We're new in our ward and I just received a calling. So when the secretary called and asked Husband to meet with the Bishop we knew it was his turn for a calling too.
He went in to meet with the new Bishop (who Husban hasn't gotten around to talking to about addiction stuff just yet) and came home to an anxious wife wondering how the meeting went.
The result?
No calling.
Just a concerned Bishop who wanted to get to know Husband better. His name had been thrown around, but because Husband works every other Sunday they hadn't really found a place for him and Bishop wanted to know more about his background. Bishop asked if he held a temple recommend and Husband spilled his guts.
Bishop offered some guidance and council. He told Husband that he wanted to be on his team. He expressed desire to help in any way he could and made it clear that Husband would not be falling through the cracks.
Husband came home feeling lighter and more free.
He feels supported and cared for.
He feels loved and appreciated.
He actually said the words "I don't really care who knows anymore....I just want to be done with it." He has never said that (or felt it) before.
I think this kind and loving Bishop acting for his kind and loving Heavenly Father has softened Husband's heart just a little. Husband is now aware that there are others out there with concern for him.
And it's amazing how far that goes.
Stay tuned for future developments.....
Sunday, December 30, 2012
A Buffalo I Killed: The Temple
I spent a lot of time in the temple last month.
I should clarify, a lot for me and there were days it broke my heart to go alone because I want more than anything to hold my sweetheart's hand in the celestial room knowing that the blessings of the temple and eternity apply to us.
But the vast majority of the time I simply LOVED being there. By myself. In the peace and quiet being taught by the spirit.
I loved to go multiple days in a row and see familiar faces of temple workers who I knew only because I was there the day before.
I loved to have built in study and prayer time. Silent. Calm. And mine.
I loved putting Husband's name on the prayer roll (role? roll?) along with other dear friends' and exercising my faith with others there on their behalf.
I loved coming home and bringing the spirit and the angels with me.
I loved learning different things from different ordinances.
I loved doing names from a ward member who needed help.
It was a beautiful experience to be there so much.
Once after doing sealings, the Sealer stopped me afterward and said "I hope you'll come back to do sealings again soon. You should bring your husband with you!" I told him I'd be back soon and bit my tongue about Husband. Of course I should bring him with me! I'd love nothing more. And I hoped with all my heart I could do exactly that. But the truth is that it isn't up to me.
Early in December Husband attended a temple sealing of a dear friend with me. He was worthy and it was beautiful. He mentioned more than once that he wanted to go do some work soon, but he's not so great with the planning and follow through and I am learning to be better at not taking over his good ideas. So I didn't say anything and he didn't go.
Then he lost.
And now he can't go.
I am trying desperately to find my place in his healing. To be supportive, but not take over. But now I wish I had planned my own temple day and simply invited him. It takes so much effort for me to leave him alone, that I fear I go too far and am not supportive. Like everything in life finding the balance is the most difficult part for me.
I believe the answer is that I'm not going to let his worthiness for a temple recommend influence my temple attendance. I will go when I need to and want to go. And he will do the same. I won't resent him when he can't or won't come and I won't force him when he can. I'll simply do what I know I need to do and trust that he'll do what he needs to do too. Even if what he needs looks different from what I need.
I should clarify, a lot for me and there were days it broke my heart to go alone because I want more than anything to hold my sweetheart's hand in the celestial room knowing that the blessings of the temple and eternity apply to us.
But the vast majority of the time I simply LOVED being there. By myself. In the peace and quiet being taught by the spirit.
I loved to go multiple days in a row and see familiar faces of temple workers who I knew only because I was there the day before.
I loved to have built in study and prayer time. Silent. Calm. And mine.
I loved putting Husband's name on the prayer roll (role? roll?) along with other dear friends' and exercising my faith with others there on their behalf.
I loved coming home and bringing the spirit and the angels with me.
I loved learning different things from different ordinances.
I loved doing names from a ward member who needed help.
It was a beautiful experience to be there so much.
Once after doing sealings, the Sealer stopped me afterward and said "I hope you'll come back to do sealings again soon. You should bring your husband with you!" I told him I'd be back soon and bit my tongue about Husband. Of course I should bring him with me! I'd love nothing more. And I hoped with all my heart I could do exactly that. But the truth is that it isn't up to me.
Early in December Husband attended a temple sealing of a dear friend with me. He was worthy and it was beautiful. He mentioned more than once that he wanted to go do some work soon, but he's not so great with the planning and follow through and I am learning to be better at not taking over his good ideas. So I didn't say anything and he didn't go.
Then he lost.
And now he can't go.
I am trying desperately to find my place in his healing. To be supportive, but not take over. But now I wish I had planned my own temple day and simply invited him. It takes so much effort for me to leave him alone, that I fear I go too far and am not supportive. Like everything in life finding the balance is the most difficult part for me.
I believe the answer is that I'm not going to let his worthiness for a temple recommend influence my temple attendance. I will go when I need to and want to go. And he will do the same. I won't resent him when he can't or won't come and I won't force him when he can. I'll simply do what I know I need to do and trust that he'll do what he needs to do too. Even if what he needs looks different from what I need.
Monday, December 24, 2012
A Buffalo I Killed: Triathlon
Again, impressive mostly just because I'm me.
I did a sprint triathlon. You don't know me (unless you do) but that is seriously impressive for a girl of my (short and squatty - mostly squatty) stature. I trained for it and I did it.
Slowly.
But I did it.
I recruited some friends to do it with me. And after doing the teeny tiniest baby one in the Spring, this fall I did a Sprint distance. Still not Olympic, it was a stretch for me.
Swim 350 yd (6 minutes....best part of the race and it was over in just 6 minutes)
Bike 13 miles
Run 3.4 miles
The friends who accompanied me were exceptional. They are awesome. They probably woulndn't have thought they could do it if I hadn't told them I was doing it. So I'm glad. A million times over glad that I did it.
I did a sprint triathlon. You don't know me (unless you do) but that is seriously impressive for a girl of my (short and squatty - mostly squatty) stature. I trained for it and I did it.
Slowly.
But I did it.
I recruited some friends to do it with me. And after doing the teeny tiniest baby one in the Spring, this fall I did a Sprint distance. Still not Olympic, it was a stretch for me.
Swim 350 yd (6 minutes....best part of the race and it was over in just 6 minutes)
Bike 13 miles
Run 3.4 miles
The friends who accompanied me were exceptional. They are awesome. They probably woulndn't have thought they could do it if I hadn't told them I was doing it. So I'm glad. A million times over glad that I did it.
Friday, December 21, 2012
6 months
July brought the fateful day when Husband and I decided that we HAD to give it 6 months with no talk of who was leaving who because one (or both) of us had had it with our crappy relationship.
Our 6 months is up and we both agree that we're happier than we've been in a long time.
Recovery wise Husband is doing almost nothing to maintain or achieve success. And it shows. And it's frustrating. BUT he has starting replacing one addiction with another. And he's now spending his spare time playing computer nerd games. So...there's that.
Recovery wise I am avoiding starting Step 4 like the plague because...well....it's step 4 and I'm terrified. But I keep feeling like I need to get it started. So, I attend my weekly 12 step meetings and get a little more courage every week to begin. I am doing a lot of other things to work on my own recovery, I'm making sure to spend time meeting my own needs and although they are teeny tiny baby steps and most of you would look at my habits and likely be disappointed, it's progress for me.
Relationship wise I'm giving a little and he's giving a little and we're both more committed than we've been since we got married. And we're having more fun than we've had in a long time. We're dating and playing and talking and having all kinds of fun.
Based on the serious lack of recovery stuff on his part and the tortise-like pace I'm taking I feel fully confident that this happy period won't last forever. And we certainly still have our bad days. But instead of having a few good days mingled in with the horror of regular life, we now have a few bad days mixed in with the fun and getting along.
Technically that's progress.
So I'll take it.
And I'll be eternally thankful for these last 6 months when I've been more willing (and able) to give our marriage all I had.
Our 6 months is up and we both agree that we're happier than we've been in a long time.
Recovery wise Husband is doing almost nothing to maintain or achieve success. And it shows. And it's frustrating. BUT he has starting replacing one addiction with another. And he's now spending his spare time playing computer nerd games. So...there's that.
Recovery wise I am avoiding starting Step 4 like the plague because...well....it's step 4 and I'm terrified. But I keep feeling like I need to get it started. So, I attend my weekly 12 step meetings and get a little more courage every week to begin. I am doing a lot of other things to work on my own recovery, I'm making sure to spend time meeting my own needs and although they are teeny tiny baby steps and most of you would look at my habits and likely be disappointed, it's progress for me.
Relationship wise I'm giving a little and he's giving a little and we're both more committed than we've been since we got married. And we're having more fun than we've had in a long time. We're dating and playing and talking and having all kinds of fun.
Based on the serious lack of recovery stuff on his part and the tortise-like pace I'm taking I feel fully confident that this happy period won't last forever. And we certainly still have our bad days. But instead of having a few good days mingled in with the horror of regular life, we now have a few bad days mixed in with the fun and getting along.
Technically that's progress.
So I'll take it.
And I'll be eternally thankful for these last 6 months when I've been more willing (and able) to give our marriage all I had.
Monday, September 24, 2012
A buffalo I killed
What's funny about this is that I began this post 2 months ago, then couldn't honestly think of anything impressive so I left it in my drafts hoping to do something impressive I could brag to you about. For the sake of honesty, I'm posting this incomplete and unimpressive list so that when I'm a regular Buffalo Bundy (ok, that wasn't funny....poor taste. Why can't I bring myself to delete it?) I can refer back to this to see how far I've come.
Now, the original post:
************************************************************
Here's hoping this is a regular feature on my blog. Because I have A LOT of work to do in the buffalo murderer area.
I depend far too much on the people around me. I resent it when people don't do what I think they should do.
And because buffalo killing (for me) is far more about my attitude than the behavior this might not be at all impressive to you, but I promise I'll only write what's impressive for me.
[insert graceful bow here]
Now, the original post:
************************************************************
Here's hoping this is a regular feature on my blog. Because I have A LOT of work to do in the buffalo murderer area.
- Packing and unpacking for camping. All of it. The equipment, the food (which I planned and shopped for) and the "stuff". That's a lot of work all the way around and with a child on each ankle, I feel like it was awesome.
- Costco. I hate Costco (and I love it too) I hate the giant carts you can't move around and the fact that there are never fewer than 9 million people in the way and that when you get home you can only haul one thing at a time up the stairs. And that the babies want to eat all the samples, and ride in the bottom of the cart, no the top of the cart, no your shoulders, no NO CART!!! So hauling the kids, bringing the stuff upstairs (even the stuff that could wait for the big strong man in my life to do it.) and I didn't hate Husband for not contributing.
- Making and breaking camp. The whole deal. Setting up tents, pack and play and rolling our foam pads tight enough to put away. Putting the babies to bed.
- Getting the kids ready for church on my own and still being plenty early.
[insert graceful bow here]
Friday, September 21, 2012
MIA
There have been some major life changes in our world since I last wrote, Husband got a job, we moved (in with my parents!) and life as I know it has been dumped on its head. I currently have 100 of your posts to read and heaven only knows how many thoughts I've failed to write.
But last night I walked in on something that had me all smiles and I can only share it here.
Husband's new job came with a long commute, one that was simply outside of reasonable for us. So we moved. Only we had nowhere to go and had to be out of our home. Because my parents live closest (by far) to the new job, we asked if we could occupy a couple of their unused basement bedrooms and found ourselves a storage unit.
My parents know about "The Problem" and my dad has been a source of comfort and counsel and love and support that was completely unexpected. Husband and Daddy have grown close in a way I never would have dreamed. The openness and honesty in their relationship and remaining mutual love and respect is admirable.
I stepped out for the evening and when I came home my children were asleep in bed and Husband and Daddy were sitting in the kitchen talking. I sortof crashed their party and silently (at least attempted silence) observed the way they spoke. They talked about the atonement, grace, addiciton in all its forms. They talked openly about sin and judgement. They frankly discussed the why and possible solutions.
The family I grew up in does not discuss problems. We talk about happy things and pretend the less-happy things don't exist. Especially if the less-happy things are caused by sin or error. And MOST ESPECIALLY if the sin and error are still happening. We typically like to slap a smile on our face and move on with life. And maybe in 10 years when it isn't a problem anymore we can bring it up in a "remember when" kind of way.
So to see this exchange between the two men I love and admire more than any others was a very big deal. Husband has been hiding the addiction for so long, and although I've heard him talk about it to Therapist I've never heard him discuss it with any other living soul. I was floored to listen to him.
He was using the words of someone in recovery. He was logical and detached. He sounded sober. (Which he is, 6 weeks now and he's a temple recommend holder.)
Sometimes I find it exceptionally easy to love him and feel confident in his abilities. This was one of those times.
But last night I walked in on something that had me all smiles and I can only share it here.
Husband's new job came with a long commute, one that was simply outside of reasonable for us. So we moved. Only we had nowhere to go and had to be out of our home. Because my parents live closest (by far) to the new job, we asked if we could occupy a couple of their unused basement bedrooms and found ourselves a storage unit.
My parents know about "The Problem" and my dad has been a source of comfort and counsel and love and support that was completely unexpected. Husband and Daddy have grown close in a way I never would have dreamed. The openness and honesty in their relationship and remaining mutual love and respect is admirable.
I stepped out for the evening and when I came home my children were asleep in bed and Husband and Daddy were sitting in the kitchen talking. I sortof crashed their party and silently (at least attempted silence) observed the way they spoke. They talked about the atonement, grace, addiciton in all its forms. They talked openly about sin and judgement. They frankly discussed the why and possible solutions.
The family I grew up in does not discuss problems. We talk about happy things and pretend the less-happy things don't exist. Especially if the less-happy things are caused by sin or error. And MOST ESPECIALLY if the sin and error are still happening. We typically like to slap a smile on our face and move on with life. And maybe in 10 years when it isn't a problem anymore we can bring it up in a "remember when" kind of way.
So to see this exchange between the two men I love and admire more than any others was a very big deal. Husband has been hiding the addiction for so long, and although I've heard him talk about it to Therapist I've never heard him discuss it with any other living soul. I was floored to listen to him.
He was using the words of someone in recovery. He was logical and detached. He sounded sober. (Which he is, 6 weeks now and he's a temple recommend holder.)
Sometimes I find it exceptionally easy to love him and feel confident in his abilities. This was one of those times.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Who would've thought?
I'd been reading a book in which one of the characters is married to this manipulative douche of a guy. (Forgive my language.) She doesn't see it and just keeps thinking she needs to try harder. And harder. And be better. And prettier. And smarter. And give more. and and and....
Eventually he hits her and she threatens to leave and he talks her into staying. They have a child together and when he hits her again she leaves.
I read this book and kept thinking am I that girl? Am I sticking around being stupid and how bad will it have to be before I leave? You need to know Husband has never hit me. He is a quiet calm man and although he gets frustrated he never takes it out on me or the kids - he just gets mad and eventually masturbates or looks at porn. Would somebody read the story of my life and be yelling at my pages "leave him!!! you are much better than that! LEAVE HIM!!! It will be OK!" Would I have followers routing for me to make it on my own?
I recommended this book to Husband because I thoroughly enjoyed it and thought he would too. This relationship story is a small part of a much bigger story following an LDS family during WWII.
We happened to be on a long road trip together when Husband was listening to this part of the book and he was visibly emotional listening to this story.
Good. He's realizing what a horrible person he's been. I thought.
He's seeing himself from a 3rd party perspective and he's realizing how poorly he's been treating us.
After a few miles when she had left her abusive Husband and settled into her own life I asked Husband if he wanted to talk about it.
"I just need you to know I will never put up with being hit." he started.
A few minutes into his speech I realized He thought He was the one being abused. He was relating to the same character I was. The battered wife. It never crossed his mind that he might be the manipulative douchey husband. I was floored. Because it never crossed my mind either.
I am definitely the one with the stronger personality of the two of us. I am a master at belittling him and reminding him that he's ruining our life. I almost always know which words will hurt the most and I rarely hold them back. Because in my mind he deserves it. Am I the douchey husband? Is he the one who's scared of ME?
A few weeks later when we had our commitment talk I realized that when we discuss separating and he tells me he doesn't know if he can "do it" he isn't talking about sobriety.
I say "I'm tired of this and I don't know how much longer I can do it." It = stay married to you because your'e making my life unbearable.
He says "I don't know either." It = stay married to you because you're making my life unbearable.
I always thought he meant he didn't know how long he could stop behaving this way so I would stay married to him, but it turns out he doesn't even want to be marrieed to me. He doesn't know how long he can stand it because he's miserable too.
What a slap in the face.
I hate admitting that I'm so self-righteous it never occurred to me, but I am.
I hate admitting that I might be making him miserable too, but I am.
I hate admitting that now I know that because if I know I'm ruining his life and I don't change then I am doing exactly what I hate about him.
But there it is. In black and white. And as we all know, if it's on the internet then it's true. (ha ha ha ha!) And now I've put it onthe internet.
Ouch. It's not easy being the bad guy.
Eventually he hits her and she threatens to leave and he talks her into staying. They have a child together and when he hits her again she leaves.
I read this book and kept thinking am I that girl? Am I sticking around being stupid and how bad will it have to be before I leave? You need to know Husband has never hit me. He is a quiet calm man and although he gets frustrated he never takes it out on me or the kids - he just gets mad and eventually masturbates or looks at porn. Would somebody read the story of my life and be yelling at my pages "leave him!!! you are much better than that! LEAVE HIM!!! It will be OK!" Would I have followers routing for me to make it on my own?
I recommended this book to Husband because I thoroughly enjoyed it and thought he would too. This relationship story is a small part of a much bigger story following an LDS family during WWII.
We happened to be on a long road trip together when Husband was listening to this part of the book and he was visibly emotional listening to this story.
Good. He's realizing what a horrible person he's been. I thought.
He's seeing himself from a 3rd party perspective and he's realizing how poorly he's been treating us.
After a few miles when she had left her abusive Husband and settled into her own life I asked Husband if he wanted to talk about it.
"I just need you to know I will never put up with being hit." he started.
A few minutes into his speech I realized He thought He was the one being abused. He was relating to the same character I was. The battered wife. It never crossed his mind that he might be the manipulative douchey husband. I was floored. Because it never crossed my mind either.
I am definitely the one with the stronger personality of the two of us. I am a master at belittling him and reminding him that he's ruining our life. I almost always know which words will hurt the most and I rarely hold them back. Because in my mind he deserves it. Am I the douchey husband? Is he the one who's scared of ME?
A few weeks later when we had our commitment talk I realized that when we discuss separating and he tells me he doesn't know if he can "do it" he isn't talking about sobriety.
I say "I'm tired of this and I don't know how much longer I can do it." It = stay married to you because your'e making my life unbearable.
He says "I don't know either." It = stay married to you because you're making my life unbearable.
I always thought he meant he didn't know how long he could stop behaving this way so I would stay married to him, but it turns out he doesn't even want to be marrieed to me. He doesn't know how long he can stand it because he's miserable too.
What a slap in the face.
I hate admitting that I'm so self-righteous it never occurred to me, but I am.
I hate admitting that I might be making him miserable too, but I am.
I hate admitting that now I know that because if I know I'm ruining his life and I don't change then I am doing exactly what I hate about him.
But there it is. In black and white. And as we all know, if it's on the internet then it's true. (ha ha ha ha!) And now I've put it onthe internet.
Ouch. It's not easy being the bad guy.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
A Race?
I "ran" a race this weekend with Husband and the kids (always a good experience) and when we got back to our car this flyer was on it.
I love this for no less than 29 reasons all of which I won't list here.
Just know that a free 5k supporting the idea of replacing addiction with exercise is something I can't stand NOT to attend. I bet that this isn't the "type" of addiction they have in mind, but I don't mind being outnumbered by other addicts.
Besides, since Husband is a sucker for free stuff, and I'm a sucker for supporting stuff, we plan to be there.
Are you in Utah? Will you come with us? Please?
*Can you read that? More info at the Addict II Athlete website here.
I love this for no less than 29 reasons all of which I won't list here.
Just know that a free 5k supporting the idea of replacing addiction with exercise is something I can't stand NOT to attend. I bet that this isn't the "type" of addiction they have in mind, but I don't mind being outnumbered by other addicts.
Besides, since Husband is a sucker for free stuff, and I'm a sucker for supporting stuff, we plan to be there.
Are you in Utah? Will you come with us? Please?
*Can you read that? More info at the Addict II Athlete website here.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Off the Table
Husband and I "celebrated" our anniversary last month.
Last year on our 5th anniversary I felt like I had exactly nothing to celebrate. We were two people living together who positively couldn't stand each other. I cried all the time because I couldn't believe my life was such a sham. But I had no idea what to do. I had an almost-two-year-old son and another on the way. I had married Husband fully believing that our life together was worth living. But somehow everything had gone horribly wrong and on our 5th anniversary I didn't know if we'd last even one more week, let alone another year.
Before we were married we played the "where will we be in 5 years" game often. Usually our answers were things like a house, kids, done with school, a real live job!, living somewhere new and exciting but on our 5th anniversary we were sitting in our therapists office wondering if we'd stay together or separate.
As our anniversary approached this year (6 years) I started to feel some hope. Maybe this year we'll celebrate for real. We'll have something worth celebrating. And although we're still very much in the thick of it, I finally felt like we had accomplished something by making it this far no matter what the future holds.
But on our 6th anniversary we wandered the local mall fighting and weeping and feeling nothing but hopelessness and anger.
I asked Husband if he wanted in or out because I've been second guessing where we'd be for far too long. He gave me his typical answer.
"I don't know, if we can be happy I want us to be together. If not I don't see the point."
The same thing I think about much too often.
So I told him I needed some kind of commitment.
He told me that we may as well separate then. Because he just didn't know.
After some further discussion we both decided that we could commit to a short period of time during which our separation would not be an option.
So for 6 months, beginning on our anniversary (in July) separation is not an option. We're in. No matter what.
This was hard for me to commit to. Because I'm afraid of what might happen. I don't know if I'm really in "no matter what". I feel like we've been teetering for so long that it wouldn't take much for me to throw in the towel. But for the next 6 months at least we'll be together. Here's hoping that 6 months doubles and our 7th anniversary is something worth celebrating.
What do you think - stupid? Unreasonable? Sad?
Last year on our 5th anniversary I felt like I had exactly nothing to celebrate. We were two people living together who positively couldn't stand each other. I cried all the time because I couldn't believe my life was such a sham. But I had no idea what to do. I had an almost-two-year-old son and another on the way. I had married Husband fully believing that our life together was worth living. But somehow everything had gone horribly wrong and on our 5th anniversary I didn't know if we'd last even one more week, let alone another year.
Before we were married we played the "where will we be in 5 years" game often. Usually our answers were things like a house, kids, done with school, a real live job!, living somewhere new and exciting but on our 5th anniversary we were sitting in our therapists office wondering if we'd stay together or separate.
As our anniversary approached this year (6 years) I started to feel some hope. Maybe this year we'll celebrate for real. We'll have something worth celebrating. And although we're still very much in the thick of it, I finally felt like we had accomplished something by making it this far no matter what the future holds.
But on our 6th anniversary we wandered the local mall fighting and weeping and feeling nothing but hopelessness and anger.
I asked Husband if he wanted in or out because I've been second guessing where we'd be for far too long. He gave me his typical answer.
"I don't know, if we can be happy I want us to be together. If not I don't see the point."
The same thing I think about much too often.
So I told him I needed some kind of commitment.
He told me that we may as well separate then. Because he just didn't know.
After some further discussion we both decided that we could commit to a short period of time during which our separation would not be an option.
So for 6 months, beginning on our anniversary (in July) separation is not an option. We're in. No matter what.
This was hard for me to commit to. Because I'm afraid of what might happen. I don't know if I'm really in "no matter what". I feel like we've been teetering for so long that it wouldn't take much for me to throw in the towel. But for the next 6 months at least we'll be together. Here's hoping that 6 months doubles and our 7th anniversary is something worth celebrating.
What do you think - stupid? Unreasonable? Sad?
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Losing It
I have a strong personality and strong opinions about most things and apparently I can be a bit controlling.
Husband is laid back and easy going and usually is willing to go with whatever is happening.
But lately Husband has been standing up for himself more and it's making me realize my own issues.
I am frustrated and angry and have so very little patience and tolerance for Husband. I'm so mad and so angry and I say so many things I almost immediately regret. I totally lose control and I'm still not sure why.
The good news is I know a good therapist. (ha ha ha. I hate knowing a good therapist.) and while I'd much rather just pretend it's not a problem because Husband should do things my way anyway, (it is the right way after all) and then we won't have to do anything different; I'm fairly confident that at some point I'm going to have to learn how to make it through that feeling of anxiety without hating the person causing it.
Husband is laid back and easy going and usually is willing to go with whatever is happening.
But lately Husband has been standing up for himself more and it's making me realize my own issues.
I am frustrated and angry and have so very little patience and tolerance for Husband. I'm so mad and so angry and I say so many things I almost immediately regret. I totally lose control and I'm still not sure why.
The good news is I know a good therapist. (ha ha ha. I hate knowing a good therapist.) and while I'd much rather just pretend it's not a problem because Husband should do things my way anyway, (it is the right way after all) and then we won't have to do anything different; I'm fairly confident that at some point I'm going to have to learn how to make it through that feeling of anxiety without hating the person causing it.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Fact or Fiction
When I get surrounded by WoPAs I feel woefully inadequate. I haven't read or studied enough. I haven't experienced enough pain. I don't know what it's like to have my spouse actually sleep with someone else. I don't even think I've ever been lied to about it. Sometimes the truth is a bit delayed, but it always comes out without prompting from me.
Don't get me wrong, I feel betrayed, embarrassed and cheated. My life is not what I had planned and through no fault of my own I sit by myself at temple sealings for family members trying to offer a good reason that Husband isn't there. I feel like our relationship is lies. I feel pressure to do (or not do) things that he has seen. I feel judged and compared and inadequate.
But I've never known anyone as willing to pile the confessions on like Husband. He can't handle the guilt, so he drops it all in my lap telling me what happened and why and how it's never going to happen again.
At least I think that's the case.
I always chase that "he's always told me" statement with a quick "as far as I know" because I don't want to appear naive. I want other WoPAs to know that I know I might be stupid or blind or simply unwilling to look hard. I know he might be lying. I know there might be more. I know that I don't know anything.
But the truth is I believe him. One time I found something he hadn't told me about and approached him. He backtracked and gave me at least 9 excuses in 30 seconds, like bullets from a gun.
"It wasn't me."
"I was just looking at something for school."
"Somebody else must have clicked on that."
"It popped up out of nowhere and I closed it right away."
"I just had a moment of weakness, but I got control and nothing happened.:
"I don't know how it got there."
He is a super-crappy liar. I like to think it's because he's had so little practice, but for all I know, that's a big lie too right? Maybe he's a super-fantastic liar who is so good at lying he pretends to be crappy. Lulling me into a false sense of security. It's all part of his master plan.
I found some comfort in the fact that a fellow WoPA had a rediculously honest husband too. I felt like I wasn't merrited in calling Husband's problem and addiction if he hadn't lied. And at the same time I felt like he probably was lying and I was just blind to it because I'm stupid. I can't stand to be the only one experiencing it the way I am. It makes me feel lonely and foolish and lost.
So I'm wondering, is it all a lie? Or is he in fact insanely stupidly honest? Is it even possible?
Don't get me wrong, I feel betrayed, embarrassed and cheated. My life is not what I had planned and through no fault of my own I sit by myself at temple sealings for family members trying to offer a good reason that Husband isn't there. I feel like our relationship is lies. I feel pressure to do (or not do) things that he has seen. I feel judged and compared and inadequate.
But I've never known anyone as willing to pile the confessions on like Husband. He can't handle the guilt, so he drops it all in my lap telling me what happened and why and how it's never going to happen again.
At least I think that's the case.
I always chase that "he's always told me" statement with a quick "as far as I know" because I don't want to appear naive. I want other WoPAs to know that I know I might be stupid or blind or simply unwilling to look hard. I know he might be lying. I know there might be more. I know that I don't know anything.
But the truth is I believe him. One time I found something he hadn't told me about and approached him. He backtracked and gave me at least 9 excuses in 30 seconds, like bullets from a gun.
"It wasn't me."
"I was just looking at something for school."
"Somebody else must have clicked on that."
"It popped up out of nowhere and I closed it right away."
"I just had a moment of weakness, but I got control and nothing happened.:
"I don't know how it got there."
He is a super-crappy liar. I like to think it's because he's had so little practice, but for all I know, that's a big lie too right? Maybe he's a super-fantastic liar who is so good at lying he pretends to be crappy. Lulling me into a false sense of security. It's all part of his master plan.
I found some comfort in the fact that a fellow WoPA had a rediculously honest husband too. I felt like I wasn't merrited in calling Husband's problem and addiction if he hadn't lied. And at the same time I felt like he probably was lying and I was just blind to it because I'm stupid. I can't stand to be the only one experiencing it the way I am. It makes me feel lonely and foolish and lost.
So I'm wondering, is it all a lie? Or is he in fact insanely stupidly honest? Is it even possible?
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Rodents
I live in a neighborhood with a brutal rodent problem. Mice and voles to be exact.
Until last month I didn't know what voles even were. But now I see their tiny body parts strewn across my sidewalks every time I leave my house.
The infestation is so bad that each time I jog or bike on the trail nearby I measure my distance in dead rodents. This morning's jog was 37 rodents. Also 37 minutes. So....there's that.
Every time I check in on facebook there are updates of whose porch is littered with pieces of the things.
It's filthy. And disgusting. And gives us all the heebie jeebies.
And now you see why I'm writing this on "the porn blog".
It's interesting to watch everybody's reaction to the infestation:
Sister Smith has taken it upon herself to call the city demanding they do something.
Brother Johnson bought a cat and let it have a million babies all of whom are killing machines.
The Williams children throw rocks and use slingshots.
Sister Jones orders poison by the caseload every month.
But the majority of us are simply doing the very little we can to keep the filth out of own homes. We certainly don't lay out cheese and crackers, or leave our doors and windows open inviting them in.
We find the holes and fill them.
We lay traps and poison.
We try to set up barriers.
And then we clean up the carcasses.
But because of the overwhelming number, it simply isn't enough. We still find them on our lawn, sidewalks and porches. We still squirm as we watch them run across the road. There are still 37 mice in a 37 minute run.
So I'm wondering, what will it take? It seems to me that it will take an enormous unified effort. Every neighbor pitching in at once. Every person laying poison and filling holes. We ALL need to be sharing our information and connecting our resources. Because this isn't a battle one household can win alone.
And so it is with porn.
So please, share what you know. Invite people around you to meetings, blogs & forums. Let them know what has worked for you and let them share with you what works for them. This may not be every person's current top priority and that's ok but the more people sharing what works, the better off we'll be.
Until last month I didn't know what voles even were. But now I see their tiny body parts strewn across my sidewalks every time I leave my house.
The infestation is so bad that each time I jog or bike on the trail nearby I measure my distance in dead rodents. This morning's jog was 37 rodents. Also 37 minutes. So....there's that.
Every time I check in on facebook there are updates of whose porch is littered with pieces of the things.
It's filthy. And disgusting. And gives us all the heebie jeebies.
And now you see why I'm writing this on "the porn blog".
It's interesting to watch everybody's reaction to the infestation:
Sister Smith has taken it upon herself to call the city demanding they do something.
Brother Johnson bought a cat and let it have a million babies all of whom are killing machines.
The Williams children throw rocks and use slingshots.
Sister Jones orders poison by the caseload every month.
But the majority of us are simply doing the very little we can to keep the filth out of own homes. We certainly don't lay out cheese and crackers, or leave our doors and windows open inviting them in.
We find the holes and fill them.
We lay traps and poison.
We try to set up barriers.
And then we clean up the carcasses.
But because of the overwhelming number, it simply isn't enough. We still find them on our lawn, sidewalks and porches. We still squirm as we watch them run across the road. There are still 37 mice in a 37 minute run.
So I'm wondering, what will it take? It seems to me that it will take an enormous unified effort. Every neighbor pitching in at once. Every person laying poison and filling holes. We ALL need to be sharing our information and connecting our resources. Because this isn't a battle one household can win alone.
And so it is with porn.
So please, share what you know. Invite people around you to meetings, blogs & forums. Let them know what has worked for you and let them share with you what works for them. This may not be every person's current top priority and that's ok but the more people sharing what works, the better off we'll be.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
So.....do you feel any hope?
I had the chance to chat with my mom alone for a few hours yesterday which almost never happens. We were talking about how things are going and where I'm finding help. Then she asked "So......do you feel any hope?"
I was glad to easily answer "yes".
I explained to her that while I don't often feel like Husband is really doing what he needs to, I do think he will someday. I do know that it could be worse. I don't feel like I could leave and find someone I love more or someone who doesn't have this problem. The truth is that Husband is a wonderful match for me. He is an incredible human being, and although there are time I want to physically hurt him, there are more times that I know how lucky I am to have him.
So I suppose that's where I am now.
I've wanted to write about how things are now so I can look back in a year and see how things are. (you wanna do it too? do it!) Moving forward? Still getting worse? Feeling happier?
The bad signs:
Husband is currently in the acting out every 5-12 days cycle.
He still thinks it's my fault and if I'd just ______ (usually "blank" is "have sex more" but sometimes it's something else) it wouldn't be a problem.
There are days I still think everything bad is his (and the addiction's) fault and I snap at him. I'm not consistently patient and loving and kind. But I'm trying to be.
The good signs:
He's been stuck in this cycle for a while, so I think he'll probably have a long stretch (3-4 months?) of sobriety ahead of him soon.
He goes to PASG every week.
He always tells me the truth. (As far as I know.) I have never caught him because he has always been upfront about it.
I have found an incredible group of women who support and encourage me. (hopeandhealinglds.com)
I am detaching. Feel sorry and sad for him instead of mad at him when he loses.
We're dating again. Which is more fun than I can even explain.
Here's hoping I remember to check back in a year to see how it's going then. Will I still feel hope? I think so.
I was glad to easily answer "yes".
I explained to her that while I don't often feel like Husband is really doing what he needs to, I do think he will someday. I do know that it could be worse. I don't feel like I could leave and find someone I love more or someone who doesn't have this problem. The truth is that Husband is a wonderful match for me. He is an incredible human being, and although there are time I want to physically hurt him, there are more times that I know how lucky I am to have him.
So I suppose that's where I am now.
I've wanted to write about how things are now so I can look back in a year and see how things are. (you wanna do it too? do it!) Moving forward? Still getting worse? Feeling happier?
The bad signs:
Husband is currently in the acting out every 5-12 days cycle.
He still thinks it's my fault and if I'd just ______ (usually "blank" is "have sex more" but sometimes it's something else) it wouldn't be a problem.
There are days I still think everything bad is his (and the addiction's) fault and I snap at him. I'm not consistently patient and loving and kind. But I'm trying to be.
The good signs:
He's been stuck in this cycle for a while, so I think he'll probably have a long stretch (3-4 months?) of sobriety ahead of him soon.
He goes to PASG every week.
He always tells me the truth. (As far as I know.) I have never caught him because he has always been upfront about it.
I have found an incredible group of women who support and encourage me. (hopeandhealinglds.com)
I am detaching. Feel sorry and sad for him instead of mad at him when he loses.
We're dating again. Which is more fun than I can even explain.
Here's hoping I remember to check back in a year to see how it's going then. Will I still feel hope? I think so.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
A Plan
Husband lost this morning.
He is embarrassed.
He is disappointed.
He is surprised that it happened so easily.
But the good news is that I am not heartbroken.
I don't feel betrayed.
And I don't feel responsible.
Husband called to tell me and I feel bad for him. I'm disappointed FOR him instead of IN him. But I am glad that this time when he said "I don't know what to do" I could respond with "I thought you had a plan of what to do when this happens." and he immediately knew what he had to do.
He doesn't like it, but he has planned what needs to happen and I think that is a bit of a relief for him.
We certainly aren't flying through the steps or making fast enormous strides in this recovery process, but for today - having a plan is a good step forward.
He is embarrassed.
He is disappointed.
He is surprised that it happened so easily.
But the good news is that I am not heartbroken.
I don't feel betrayed.
And I don't feel responsible.
Husband called to tell me and I feel bad for him. I'm disappointed FOR him instead of IN him. But I am glad that this time when he said "I don't know what to do" I could respond with "I thought you had a plan of what to do when this happens." and he immediately knew what he had to do.
He doesn't like it, but he has planned what needs to happen and I think that is a bit of a relief for him.
We certainly aren't flying through the steps or making fast enormous strides in this recovery process, but for today - having a plan is a good step forward.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
MIA
Sometimes I get distracted and don't post here for a while.
And when I see that I haven't posted here for a while, I wonder if I haven't done anything for a while.
It makes me wonder, how am I doing?
Could it be: The less I post here, the better I'm doing? Because it means I've been busy living real life.
Playing with my kids.
Hanging out with friends.
Picnics.
Zoo trips.
Dating Husband.
Cooking meals.
Or Could it be: The worse I'm doing? Because I'm neglecting my own healing.
I'm ignoring a problem hoping it will fix itself.
I'm not reading or writing.
I'm sleeping instead of healing.
I have nothing uplifting to say.
I'm not sure yet which it is. But I do know I've been decidedly MIA while I'm trying to catch up on real life.
And I'm hoping when I return to steadily writing (and reading) I won't find out about a big backslide I didn't notice while it was happening.
And when I see that I haven't posted here for a while, I wonder if I haven't done anything for a while.
It makes me wonder, how am I doing?
Could it be: The less I post here, the better I'm doing? Because it means I've been busy living real life.
Playing with my kids.
Hanging out with friends.
Picnics.
Zoo trips.
Dating Husband.
Cooking meals.
Or Could it be: The worse I'm doing? Because I'm neglecting my own healing.
I'm ignoring a problem hoping it will fix itself.
I'm not reading or writing.
I'm sleeping instead of healing.
I have nothing uplifting to say.
I'm not sure yet which it is. But I do know I've been decidedly MIA while I'm trying to catch up on real life.
And I'm hoping when I return to steadily writing (and reading) I won't find out about a big backslide I didn't notice while it was happening.
Need Daddy
This morning my Toddler Man (age 2.5) sniffled and whimpered on the sofa whining "I just neeeed Daddy. Neeed Daddy." and I was immediately thankful that Daddy lives here.
Since Husband wasn't a "hide the big secret for years until I'm busted" type and instead was the "confess to every little loss while we are both sinking deeper and deeper into it without noticing" type, I feel like I've always known about the addiction.
We wanted to wait about a year before having kids after we were married. Which we did.
But then those kids didn't come.
And didn't come.
And didn't come.
And that was (at the time) the hardest thing that had ever happened to me. I was heartbroken in a way I can't even describe.
This heartache overshadowed the pain of the addiction at that time. The addiction sucked. I knew it was there. But it was not as big of a deal as infertility.
Then miraculously I was pregnant.
I immediately knew that everything in my world would be right. Everything would be OK. Magically all was well.
A year later I was sitting in a PASG meeting and a young woman came in for the first time. She was with her mother and as she told her story, they both sobbed. During the previous 2 weeks she had discovered her husband's second life. She talked about how she couldn't understand why anybody would stay with a man like that. She had something of a zero tolerance policy.They hadn't even been married a year and she left him. She moved back in with her mom and all of the things she hoped for when they married in the temple were gone.
Then her mother spoke about the heartache she felt for her daughter. And how glad she was that it had been discovered before there were children involved so she (the daughter) could make the choice that was best for her.
In no way did either of these women say that these choices were the best for everyone, but I sat there silently wiping away my own tears wondering if that period of infidelity was my chance to leave. Did I miss an opportunity to do what was best for me?
For 2.5 years I wracked my brain trying to understand what purpose the infertility could possibly serve. And now I wonder if that was my open door. I could leave with no strings attached. I could get out and never see Husband again.
But during that time I never wanted to leave. I felt lucky that Husband would stay with me even though I couldn't make him a father. It never even crossed my mind that there might be someone better for me out there.
As the addiction has become worse and worse I've had moments wondering if I should leave. And if it would solve enough problems. But we have two little boys, and (right now) for me I am confident that it would not be best for them to grow up without him. I am tied to husband through my children.
I wonder now if the reason we finally did have kids when we did was to keep us together. Because there are days I'm not certain I'd hang in there if it wasn't so clear that they need him.
The only thing I know is that there is a plan for me. My responsibility is the make the best choices I can right now. During that period of infertility, I didn't want to leave. During this time of young children, I don't feel like leaving is best for my family. And when I initially chose to marry Husband, I knew it was the right decision.
So all I know is that right now I'm doing the best I can do.
Toddler Man is right, he does "neeed daddy".
Since Husband wasn't a "hide the big secret for years until I'm busted" type and instead was the "confess to every little loss while we are both sinking deeper and deeper into it without noticing" type, I feel like I've always known about the addiction.
We wanted to wait about a year before having kids after we were married. Which we did.
But then those kids didn't come.
And didn't come.
And didn't come.
And that was (at the time) the hardest thing that had ever happened to me. I was heartbroken in a way I can't even describe.
This heartache overshadowed the pain of the addiction at that time. The addiction sucked. I knew it was there. But it was not as big of a deal as infertility.
Then miraculously I was pregnant.
I immediately knew that everything in my world would be right. Everything would be OK. Magically all was well.
A year later I was sitting in a PASG meeting and a young woman came in for the first time. She was with her mother and as she told her story, they both sobbed. During the previous 2 weeks she had discovered her husband's second life. She talked about how she couldn't understand why anybody would stay with a man like that. She had something of a zero tolerance policy.They hadn't even been married a year and she left him. She moved back in with her mom and all of the things she hoped for when they married in the temple were gone.
Then her mother spoke about the heartache she felt for her daughter. And how glad she was that it had been discovered before there were children involved so she (the daughter) could make the choice that was best for her.
In no way did either of these women say that these choices were the best for everyone, but I sat there silently wiping away my own tears wondering if that period of infidelity was my chance to leave. Did I miss an opportunity to do what was best for me?
For 2.5 years I wracked my brain trying to understand what purpose the infertility could possibly serve. And now I wonder if that was my open door. I could leave with no strings attached. I could get out and never see Husband again.
But during that time I never wanted to leave. I felt lucky that Husband would stay with me even though I couldn't make him a father. It never even crossed my mind that there might be someone better for me out there.
As the addiction has become worse and worse I've had moments wondering if I should leave. And if it would solve enough problems. But we have two little boys, and (right now) for me I am confident that it would not be best for them to grow up without him. I am tied to husband through my children.
I wonder now if the reason we finally did have kids when we did was to keep us together. Because there are days I'm not certain I'd hang in there if it wasn't so clear that they need him.
The only thing I know is that there is a plan for me. My responsibility is the make the best choices I can right now. During that period of infertility, I didn't want to leave. During this time of young children, I don't feel like leaving is best for my family. And when I initially chose to marry Husband, I knew it was the right decision.
So all I know is that right now I'm doing the best I can do.
Toddler Man is right, he does "neeed daddy".
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Coming Out
2011 was a tough year addiction-wise.
At the end of the year my little baby was born. I was already at the end of my rope with the addiction and I'd sortof had it with Husband and his attempt to look like he was trying to get better. And in December when Baby was just 5 weeks old Husband told me about his most gruesome and horrible loss to date which had happened earlier in the day "because" of my sexual inactivity. 5 weeks post-partum!
My sleep-deprived, exhausted, horrified, emotional self had an epic meltdown. I broke down in a major way, explaining to Husband that I simply couldn't do this anymore. I didn't have the energy to deal with the constant up and down. The roller coaster of emotions. The wondering if we'd be married at this time next year. The constant doubt and fear of misstep. I was spent in every possible way.
So I told Husband that I was leaving. Not forever, but that for now I needed someone to take care of me instead of demanding that I take care of them. I packed bags for me and the kids. I didn't know how long I'd be gone or even where I was going, but I knew I couldn't possibly handle him coming home tonight. I needed help with the new baby, the older baby and my own baby-like tendencies.
I just wanted to cry and have somebody tell me it was all going to be OK. I needed emotional support and love that Husband wasn't capable of providing.
So I went home.
I went to my mom's house, knocked on the door and asked if we could come in. I had melted into a puddle of tears and exhaustion before even getting through the doorway. She gathered me and my babies and held me patiently while I told her what was wrong.
This was the first time someone who wasn't an addict or a professional learned about Husband's addiction.
My mom was kind and understanding and supportive. My dad is a kind and patient and generous man who has a heart of gold. I have always had a special connection with my daddy and I wanted him to turn all Hulk and go crazy being mad and bloodthirsty because "how dare you hurt my baby girl!!!" but he didn't.
He started counseling and encouraging and working with Husband. They text each other regularly and he is constantly sending message of support and love. And deep down I'm glad. But the shallow un-Christ-like selfish pity-party part of me desperately wants someone to hate Husband for ruining my life. But nobody does.
So my parents know. Husband's parents do not. It's amazing how much that changes the dynamic of who I'd rather spend time with. I love my in-laws, but there is a pretense and a fake feeling when we're there.
"How are things?" they ask genuinely.
"Great. Nothing new. Just life." we mutter honestly....but not whole heartedly.
We don't talk about it regularly with my parents (usually when we're there other family members are too), but at least I know they know what they're asking and they know what I'm answering.
***********************
It's Mother's Day and we did the tour of the grandmas. We saw both of Husband's moms and my mom in a long drive across 3 counties. It's exhausting.
Mostly we spent the bulk of our day with my mom since we were with Husband's mom a lot yesterday.
While Husband was off playing with my kiddos, mom and I chatted a bit. At a lull in the conversation the questioning began.
Mom: "so...how are things going?"
Me: "Pretty good. I still get discouraged and we have good days and bad - but it's overall good....I think."
Mom: "Seems like there's still a lot of up and down." I assume my dad shares some of the accountability stuff with my mom.
Me: "Yeah. I think that's the nature of it, but that's worst part to me. I don't know really how he's doing. I think there will always be up and down, but I don't know if the downs getting downer means it's worse or if the ups getting upper means it's getting better."
Mom: [crickets]
I think people (mom & myself included) don't understand the nature of this.
There are days that I feel like eventually Husband's heart will change and he won't want this anymore. He'll quit craving such horrifying things.
But then I remember how he's addicted.
And then I remember that miracles happen and that the atonement can change people.
And then I remember that addicts in recovery don't call themselves "cured". They call themselves "in recovery".
And then I remember that anything is possible.
And then.....
So I wonder what recovery really looks (and feels) like. Does the worrying stop? Do you quit wondering? Do you still talk about it every day? Are the temptations still constant? Do you KNOW you will be celebrating your next anniversary?
I appreciate the concern, the love and support from my mom. But at the same time, I simply don't know how it's going. I don't know how to guage the recovery. I know we're trying. I know I see good signs. But I also know he still loses. And I also know he still wants to lose.
I hate the not knowing.
More than anything, I hate not knowing.
At the end of the year my little baby was born. I was already at the end of my rope with the addiction and I'd sortof had it with Husband and his attempt to look like he was trying to get better. And in December when Baby was just 5 weeks old Husband told me about his most gruesome and horrible loss to date which had happened earlier in the day "because" of my sexual inactivity. 5 weeks post-partum!
My sleep-deprived, exhausted, horrified, emotional self had an epic meltdown. I broke down in a major way, explaining to Husband that I simply couldn't do this anymore. I didn't have the energy to deal with the constant up and down. The roller coaster of emotions. The wondering if we'd be married at this time next year. The constant doubt and fear of misstep. I was spent in every possible way.
So I told Husband that I was leaving. Not forever, but that for now I needed someone to take care of me instead of demanding that I take care of them. I packed bags for me and the kids. I didn't know how long I'd be gone or even where I was going, but I knew I couldn't possibly handle him coming home tonight. I needed help with the new baby, the older baby and my own baby-like tendencies.
I just wanted to cry and have somebody tell me it was all going to be OK. I needed emotional support and love that Husband wasn't capable of providing.
So I went home.
I went to my mom's house, knocked on the door and asked if we could come in. I had melted into a puddle of tears and exhaustion before even getting through the doorway. She gathered me and my babies and held me patiently while I told her what was wrong.
This was the first time someone who wasn't an addict or a professional learned about Husband's addiction.
My mom was kind and understanding and supportive. My dad is a kind and patient and generous man who has a heart of gold. I have always had a special connection with my daddy and I wanted him to turn all Hulk and go crazy being mad and bloodthirsty because "how dare you hurt my baby girl!!!" but he didn't.
He started counseling and encouraging and working with Husband. They text each other regularly and he is constantly sending message of support and love. And deep down I'm glad. But the shallow un-Christ-like selfish pity-party part of me desperately wants someone to hate Husband for ruining my life. But nobody does.
So my parents know. Husband's parents do not. It's amazing how much that changes the dynamic of who I'd rather spend time with. I love my in-laws, but there is a pretense and a fake feeling when we're there.
"How are things?" they ask genuinely.
"Great. Nothing new. Just life." we mutter honestly....but not whole heartedly.
We don't talk about it regularly with my parents (usually when we're there other family members are too), but at least I know they know what they're asking and they know what I'm answering.
***********************
It's Mother's Day and we did the tour of the grandmas. We saw both of Husband's moms and my mom in a long drive across 3 counties. It's exhausting.
Mostly we spent the bulk of our day with my mom since we were with Husband's mom a lot yesterday.
While Husband was off playing with my kiddos, mom and I chatted a bit. At a lull in the conversation the questioning began.
Mom: "so...how are things going?"
Me: "Pretty good. I still get discouraged and we have good days and bad - but it's overall good....I think."
Mom: "Seems like there's still a lot of up and down." I assume my dad shares some of the accountability stuff with my mom.
Me: "Yeah. I think that's the nature of it, but that's worst part to me. I don't know really how he's doing. I think there will always be up and down, but I don't know if the downs getting downer means it's worse or if the ups getting upper means it's getting better."
Mom: [crickets]
I think people (mom & myself included) don't understand the nature of this.
There are days that I feel like eventually Husband's heart will change and he won't want this anymore. He'll quit craving such horrifying things.
But then I remember how he's addicted.
And then I remember that miracles happen and that the atonement can change people.
And then I remember that addicts in recovery don't call themselves "cured". They call themselves "in recovery".
And then I remember that anything is possible.
And then.....
So I wonder what recovery really looks (and feels) like. Does the worrying stop? Do you quit wondering? Do you still talk about it every day? Are the temptations still constant? Do you KNOW you will be celebrating your next anniversary?
I appreciate the concern, the love and support from my mom. But at the same time, I simply don't know how it's going. I don't know how to guage the recovery. I know we're trying. I know I see good signs. But I also know he still loses. And I also know he still wants to lose.
I hate the not knowing.
More than anything, I hate not knowing.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
I need eggs and flour and....
I am struggling to find the appropriate balance between having a healthy sex life and not feeling like my husband's hooker.
His (nearly constant) desire for sex is something I struggle to make amends with and if I'm being honest with myself I often blame the porn and masturbation.
To say I've closed down sexually is probably an understatement, but I don't know how to get things going again without feeling like I am just one more piece of his addiction.
So I thought I'd start by having one night a week that I promised myself I wouldn't turn down sex if the opportunity arose. But I didn't to tell Husband my plan because I knew he'd be crawling all over me and the Hand Monster would take over.
The first day arrived and I signed my text to my husband with x's and o's. I tried to flirt with him and kissed him when he came home from work. He thanked me for showing him affection and told me that he had lost that day. And I was suddenly repulsed by him.
Figures.
And sex night went right out the window.
Week 2 came around and I made the same efforts. Husband came home stressed out and ornery about a school thing (grades? test scores? clinic? something.) and we fought even while I tried to avoid it.
Am I picking fights because I don't really want to do this?
Sex night went right out the window.
A few weeks in things still hadn't gone as planned. We'd had sex, but not happy healthy mutually fulfilling sex.
I wound up telling Husband about my plan to have a night I wouldn't shoot him down. Then I immediately started qualifying that night.
"But that doesn't mean you just come home from work and get some!"
"But you still have to talk to me!"
"But I still need you to be nice to me."
"Can you pretend you're still working for it?"
"Don't think that you can be an idiot all week (or even all day) and still have sex that night."
"But you also have to give me a date night!"
And then I had one of those moments where I wondered if he was understanding.
"But I don't want you to feel like you have to earn it. You aren't a dog and I'm not your treat. You know?"
He didn't know. He doesn't get it.
But by then I had walked into the grocery store and my location wasn't allowing me to be frank with him anymore.
"I'm just saying that if you want me to make a cake, I need the ingredients. Right now I don't have any eggs or flour or.....just make sure I have the ingredients and I promsie I'll make you cake."
It's so clear to me that there are things I need in order for us to have a really great sex-life. The difference between me punshing him or him having to earn sex and the natural effects of his behaviors is so clear to me.
But I don't know how to make it any more clear to him. I honestly believe he thinks I sit around all day thinking up ways to punish him for his bad behavior and reward him for his good.
Any hubsands out there who get this? Is it just me that can't explain it properly?
His (nearly constant) desire for sex is something I struggle to make amends with and if I'm being honest with myself I often blame the porn and masturbation.
To say I've closed down sexually is probably an understatement, but I don't know how to get things going again without feeling like I am just one more piece of his addiction.
So I thought I'd start by having one night a week that I promised myself I wouldn't turn down sex if the opportunity arose. But I didn't to tell Husband my plan because I knew he'd be crawling all over me and the Hand Monster would take over.
The first day arrived and I signed my text to my husband with x's and o's. I tried to flirt with him and kissed him when he came home from work. He thanked me for showing him affection and told me that he had lost that day. And I was suddenly repulsed by him.
Figures.
And sex night went right out the window.
Week 2 came around and I made the same efforts. Husband came home stressed out and ornery about a school thing (grades? test scores? clinic? something.) and we fought even while I tried to avoid it.
Am I picking fights because I don't really want to do this?
Sex night went right out the window.
A few weeks in things still hadn't gone as planned. We'd had sex, but not happy healthy mutually fulfilling sex.
I wound up telling Husband about my plan to have a night I wouldn't shoot him down. Then I immediately started qualifying that night.
"But that doesn't mean you just come home from work and get some!"
"But you still have to talk to me!"
"But I still need you to be nice to me."
"Can you pretend you're still working for it?"
"Don't think that you can be an idiot all week (or even all day) and still have sex that night."
"But you also have to give me a date night!"
And then I had one of those moments where I wondered if he was understanding.
"But I don't want you to feel like you have to earn it. You aren't a dog and I'm not your treat. You know?"
He didn't know. He doesn't get it.
But by then I had walked into the grocery store and my location wasn't allowing me to be frank with him anymore.
"I'm just saying that if you want me to make a cake, I need the ingredients. Right now I don't have any eggs or flour or.....just make sure I have the ingredients and I promsie I'll make you cake."
It's so clear to me that there are things I need in order for us to have a really great sex-life. The difference between me punshing him or him having to earn sex and the natural effects of his behaviors is so clear to me.
But I don't know how to make it any more clear to him. I honestly believe he thinks I sit around all day thinking up ways to punish him for his bad behavior and reward him for his good.
Any hubsands out there who get this? Is it just me that can't explain it properly?
Monday, May 7, 2012
Oh the Horror!!!
We went about a month without having sex. Oh the horror!
[insert sarcasm and eye-rolling here]
I should correct that, I went a whole month without having sex. Husband was off pleasing himself on a regular basis.
Husband chatted with Therapist by himself for the first time in more months than I can count. (Which isn't saying much considering my brain is mostly mush these days...) and Husband told on me for not wanting to have sex with him.
And do you know what Therapist said? (From Husband's perspective of course....)
Therapist told him that not having sex for a month is usually a sign that the relationship is dying and we really needed to work on that.
We've been seeing Therapist on a regular basis for 1.5 years now. He knows what's going on. He's specialized in sexual addiction. But he also specializes in marriage counseling.
I get that sex is important for marriage. And I really REALLY get that sex is important to Husband since (in his words) "it's the only way I know you love me." And I swear it's not like it's my goal in life to cut him off and never have sex again. But lately it's been loss after loss. It's been one "slip up" after the next and when he isn't acting out, he's intolerable because he's about to.
I hate having sex with him before he loses because I feel like I'm his porn. I'm his fix. I'm the solution to his problem.
So yeah, I didn't have sex with him for a month. But he didn't go more than a week without doing it himself. So I have a tough time feeling bad for him.
So I'm wondering what Therapist was thinking when he said whatever he said that Husband interpreted as "go home and have sex now!!! it's the end of the world! do it all the time!!!!!"
Next week we'll see Therapist together. A meeting I'm very much looking forward to because I think we have some things to straighten out.
[insert sarcasm and eye-rolling here]
I should correct that, I went a whole month without having sex. Husband was off pleasing himself on a regular basis.
Husband chatted with Therapist by himself for the first time in more months than I can count. (Which isn't saying much considering my brain is mostly mush these days...) and Husband told on me for not wanting to have sex with him.
And do you know what Therapist said? (From Husband's perspective of course....)
Therapist told him that not having sex for a month is usually a sign that the relationship is dying and we really needed to work on that.
We've been seeing Therapist on a regular basis for 1.5 years now. He knows what's going on. He's specialized in sexual addiction. But he also specializes in marriage counseling.
I get that sex is important for marriage. And I really REALLY get that sex is important to Husband since (in his words) "it's the only way I know you love me." And I swear it's not like it's my goal in life to cut him off and never have sex again. But lately it's been loss after loss. It's been one "slip up" after the next and when he isn't acting out, he's intolerable because he's about to.
I hate having sex with him before he loses because I feel like I'm his porn. I'm his fix. I'm the solution to his problem.
So yeah, I didn't have sex with him for a month. But he didn't go more than a week without doing it himself. So I have a tough time feeling bad for him.
So I'm wondering what Therapist was thinking when he said whatever he said that Husband interpreted as "go home and have sex now!!! it's the end of the world! do it all the time!!!!!"
Next week we'll see Therapist together. A meeting I'm very much looking forward to because I think we have some things to straighten out.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
He's Better After
I might be the only person alive who feels this way. But I do not hate my husband after he loses. (Technically I don't ever hate him....I guess....) Husband gets crazy helpful and nice and respectful becuase he feel so guilty after he loses. The days following a loss are always filled with laughter and support and love.
He is thankful that I'm still here, that I'm working with him and I'm "on his team". He is physically relieved because he just lost. He is ramped up and ready to fight again becasue he remembers how much he hates this addiction.
It's the days leading up to the loss that I simply can't stand. He is grumpy and mad at me. It's my fault that he's stressed. It's the kids' fault that we never do anything fun. It's the world's fault that our life isn't great. He's tired and stressed and he can't act out to relieve himself. He is thoughtless and snippy. He is short and withdrawn. He is everything he wasn't when I met (and married) him.
These are the days that I wonder if we'll make it.
These are the days I'm not sure if I married the right guy.
These are the days that I want to tell him to find another place to live until he works this out because we simply can't stand to be around him.
Then he loses and becomes the man I married again - slowly fading into the shadow of that man as he battles more and more. Eventually becoming simply a dark spot in my otherwise sunny life.
And do you want to know the crazy part? While I ultimately want him to win every battle and be YEARS clean and sober, during those days (when everything is rotten), I wish he would just do it and get it over with. So he can be the man I married again.
He is thankful that I'm still here, that I'm working with him and I'm "on his team". He is physically relieved because he just lost. He is ramped up and ready to fight again becasue he remembers how much he hates this addiction.
It's the days leading up to the loss that I simply can't stand. He is grumpy and mad at me. It's my fault that he's stressed. It's the kids' fault that we never do anything fun. It's the world's fault that our life isn't great. He's tired and stressed and he can't act out to relieve himself. He is thoughtless and snippy. He is short and withdrawn. He is everything he wasn't when I met (and married) him.
These are the days that I wonder if we'll make it.
These are the days I'm not sure if I married the right guy.
These are the days that I want to tell him to find another place to live until he works this out because we simply can't stand to be around him.
Then he loses and becomes the man I married again - slowly fading into the shadow of that man as he battles more and more. Eventually becoming simply a dark spot in my otherwise sunny life.
And do you want to know the crazy part? While I ultimately want him to win every battle and be YEARS clean and sober, during those days (when everything is rotten), I wish he would just do it and get it over with. So he can be the man I married again.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
A Boundary
Setting reasonable boundaries is something I really struggle with. For a lot of different reasons.
Partly because I don't trust my ability to be reasonable when it comes to this addiction and sex and our relationship.
Partly because I don't dare stand up for what I suspect might be reasonable.
Partly because I'm lazy and tired of fighting and it's much easier to just go with it.
But mostly because when I think about it, nothing that makes sense comes to mind.
Person A says that XX days after a loss they don't have sex.
Person B says that their husband has to leave the house to look at porn.
Person C says demands that husband has to get rid of the porn stash or move out.
Person D says that after a loss the husband sleeps on the couch because she doesn't feel safe with him.
This will be a whole other post, but I don't hate my husband after he looses. He often overcompensates for his stupidity and becomes the man I used to know. So all of these "punishments" after losing don't match my feelings. Maybe they should....but they don't.
But he has a grooming habit that triggers ALL of the emotions of lying, sneaking around, selfishness, and putting his "needs" above EVERYthing else in his life. And every time this grooming habit surfaces I shut down. I feel rejected, unimportant, not good enough. I wonder what he's been looking at and thinking about. I worry that he's losing again.
So I told him I he was welcome to do that grooming thing, but that I couldn't have sex with him afterward.
As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt like this was the GREATEST boundary of all time. Being close to him is too painful for me. And while this particular habit is not inherently wrong, I'm just not over it.
But now I'm wondering, is this just a trigger for me and I need to chill out? Is this a boundary-worthy issue or something I that I ought to be fighting against. Again this thing is NOT (by any stretch of the imagination) inappropriate. But every time he does it he loses and it immediately makes me nervous and uncomfortable around him.
*sigh* I really hate that we have to figure this out. But once I get it figured out I'll be really really excited and feel exceptionally intelligent. :D
Partly because I don't trust my ability to be reasonable when it comes to this addiction and sex and our relationship.
Partly because I don't dare stand up for what I suspect might be reasonable.
Partly because I'm lazy and tired of fighting and it's much easier to just go with it.
But mostly because when I think about it, nothing that makes sense comes to mind.
Person A says that XX days after a loss they don't have sex.
Person B says that their husband has to leave the house to look at porn.
Person C says demands that husband has to get rid of the porn stash or move out.
Person D says that after a loss the husband sleeps on the couch because she doesn't feel safe with him.
This will be a whole other post, but I don't hate my husband after he looses. He often overcompensates for his stupidity and becomes the man I used to know. So all of these "punishments" after losing don't match my feelings. Maybe they should....but they don't.
But he has a grooming habit that triggers ALL of the emotions of lying, sneaking around, selfishness, and putting his "needs" above EVERYthing else in his life. And every time this grooming habit surfaces I shut down. I feel rejected, unimportant, not good enough. I wonder what he's been looking at and thinking about. I worry that he's losing again.
So I told him I he was welcome to do that grooming thing, but that I couldn't have sex with him afterward.
As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt like this was the GREATEST boundary of all time. Being close to him is too painful for me. And while this particular habit is not inherently wrong, I'm just not over it.
But now I'm wondering, is this just a trigger for me and I need to chill out? Is this a boundary-worthy issue or something I that I ought to be fighting against. Again this thing is NOT (by any stretch of the imagination) inappropriate. But every time he does it he loses and it immediately makes me nervous and uncomfortable around him.
*sigh* I really hate that we have to figure this out. But once I get it figured out I'll be really really excited and feel exceptionally intelligent. :D
Sunday, April 29, 2012
The Solution
There I was chanting my don't panic mantra, and Husband was off planning his success.
Husband has 4 younger siblings, all of whom simply adore him. he invited the youngest 3 including a newly returned misisonary, a sister in college and littlest brother (16) to come have a sleepover and play games all night long.
He got a pizza, busted out the Wii and had (willing) babysitters for himself all weekend long.
They came shortly after I left on Friday, and stayed helping with the kids and playing games and enjoying each other's company until Saturday afternoon. He had a harder time doing The Stuff to the full extent with such a full house, but he did at least a shortened version of everything. He made sure to keep all of his own rules and was especially glad for the company until the wee hours of the morning when it would have been so so hard.
Sometimes I'm amazed by his thoughtlessness and seeming stupidity. But other times I regain confidence in his foresight and ability to make good decisions.
What a great weekend victory for him.
*As a side note, I can feel the tension rising. he's on edge, it's been a while, and this is typically when he gets sloppy and stupid. These are the hardest weeks for me because I'm constantly waiting for him to lose. Suggestions on how to avoid pushing him over the edge? I'm open!*
Husband has 4 younger siblings, all of whom simply adore him. he invited the youngest 3 including a newly returned misisonary, a sister in college and littlest brother (16) to come have a sleepover and play games all night long.
He got a pizza, busted out the Wii and had (willing) babysitters for himself all weekend long.
They came shortly after I left on Friday, and stayed helping with the kids and playing games and enjoying each other's company until Saturday afternoon. He had a harder time doing The Stuff to the full extent with such a full house, but he did at least a shortened version of everything. He made sure to keep all of his own rules and was especially glad for the company until the wee hours of the morning when it would have been so so hard.
Sometimes I'm amazed by his thoughtlessness and seeming stupidity. But other times I regain confidence in his foresight and ability to make good decisions.
What a great weekend victory for him.
*As a side note, I can feel the tension rising. he's on edge, it's been a while, and this is typically when he gets sloppy and stupid. These are the hardest weeks for me because I'm constantly waiting for him to lose. Suggestions on how to avoid pushing him over the edge? I'm open!*
Friday, April 27, 2012
Don't Panic, don't panic, don't panic
I'm running in a 5k in a city about an hour's drive from my home. Since I'm doing it with a bunch of girls in the ward and since we really like each other, we're turning it into a girls weekend and spending the night away from home.
A (teeny tiny and ever shrinking) part of me is a bit nervous for Husband. But the bigger (and growing) part of me realizes that it's all the same whether I'm here or not. That's part of the addiction. No safeguards will prevent it.
So off I go for a weekend of relaxing and running and having a ball! Chanting to myself all the way.
don't panic, don't panic, don't panic. you got this. he's got this. don't panic.
Because of all the things I am, I am not his babysitter.
A (teeny tiny and ever shrinking) part of me is a bit nervous for Husband. But the bigger (and growing) part of me realizes that it's all the same whether I'm here or not. That's part of the addiction. No safeguards will prevent it.
So off I go for a weekend of relaxing and running and having a ball! Chanting to myself all the way.
don't panic, don't panic, don't panic. you got this. he's got this. don't panic.
Because of all the things I am, I am not his babysitter.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Until My Eyeballs Burn
Sunday night is Addiction Night at my house.
Husbang goes to PASG and I become immersed in the blogs the messages boards and forums. I write and weep and google. All until my eyeballs burn.
I want so desperately for it all to be better. I don't care that I'm running on 4 hours sleep and the house is quiet. I want to learn what I'm supposed to learn, to check in on my dear friends who I love, and to write and think and PRAY.
It's rare that I go to sleep before the burning sets in.
So when Husband comes home and takes one look at my raging red eyes asking if I've been crying I always say yes.
My heart has been weeping for sisters I've never met.
My spirit has been crying out for help! Help me know what to say. What not to say. What to ask. What to read. What to skim. What is worth this time.
And often I have been literally crying. Water from my eyes. Not continually for the hours he's been gone, but I've certainly shed a tear or two while thinking about my life and the lives of those I know.
So yes, I've been reading, and crying, and I'll likely continue to do it every week. Until my eyeballs burn.
Husbang goes to PASG and I become immersed in the blogs the messages boards and forums. I write and weep and google. All until my eyeballs burn.
I want so desperately for it all to be better. I don't care that I'm running on 4 hours sleep and the house is quiet. I want to learn what I'm supposed to learn, to check in on my dear friends who I love, and to write and think and PRAY.
It's rare that I go to sleep before the burning sets in.
So when Husband comes home and takes one look at my raging red eyes asking if I've been crying I always say yes.
My heart has been weeping for sisters I've never met.
My spirit has been crying out for help! Help me know what to say. What not to say. What to ask. What to read. What to skim. What is worth this time.
And often I have been literally crying. Water from my eyes. Not continually for the hours he's been gone, but I've certainly shed a tear or two while thinking about my life and the lives of those I know.
So yes, I've been reading, and crying, and I'll likely continue to do it every week. Until my eyeballs burn.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Marriage Enrichment Night
Marriage Enrichment is a program based here in Utah that I really really love. Every quarter they have a "Date night" where a special guest speaker comes and talks in a pretty small setting about how to strengthen marriages. I just found out that tomorrow's date night is taught by Dr. Mark Chamberlain - a sexual addiction specialist. These nights are always well done and I always come away from them feeling uplifted and ready for what's next.
I know this is really late notice, but if you are available or in the area, please consider coming! Here's the information I just received. Please spread the word to anybody you think could benefit!
Our APRIL 21 Date Night will feature Mark Chamberlain a well known author of several books and a local family counselor.
To be held at 7:30
Foothill 6th Ward -- 2200 East 1500 South
Dr. Chamberlain, Ph.D. is a psychologist specializing in the treatment of sexual issues, addiction, and marriage. He received his Ph.D. from Brigham Young University. Before joining ARCH he worked at Utah Youth Village, McKay-Dee Hospital's drug and alcohol treatment program, and taught psychology at Brigham Young University-Idaho. He has served on the boards of trustees for a domestic violence shelter, the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists, and Evergreen International. Over the last several years he has traveled throughout the United States providing continuing education training for therapists on treating pornography addiction and other sexual problems. Mark is the author or coauthor of several books including Willpower Is Not Enough: Why We Don’t Succeed at Change, Wanting More: The Challenge of Enjoyment in the Age of Addiction, and Confronting Pornography. He and his wife, Jenny, are the parents of seven children.
I know this is really late notice, but if you are available or in the area, please consider coming! Here's the information I just received. Please spread the word to anybody you think could benefit!
Our APRIL 21 Date Night will feature Mark Chamberlain a well known author of several books and a local family counselor.
To be held at 7:30
Foothill 6th Ward -- 2200 East 1500 South
Dr. Chamberlain, Ph.D. is a psychologist specializing in the treatment of sexual issues, addiction, and marriage. He received his Ph.D. from Brigham Young University. Before joining ARCH he worked at Utah Youth Village, McKay-Dee Hospital's drug and alcohol treatment program, and taught psychology at Brigham Young University-Idaho. He has served on the boards of trustees for a domestic violence shelter, the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists, and Evergreen International. Over the last several years he has traveled throughout the United States providing continuing education training for therapists on treating pornography addiction and other sexual problems. Mark is the author or coauthor of several books including Willpower Is Not Enough: Why We Don’t Succeed at Change, Wanting More: The Challenge of Enjoyment in the Age of Addiction, and Confronting Pornography. He and his wife, Jenny, are the parents of seven children.
The Biggest Tiny Victory
I am not a runner. But I sometimes run - only because it's good for me and I like how I feel AFTER the run. But I am slow. And I max out at about 3.5 miles. I run 3-4 times/week, but I am NOT a runner.
The root of Husband's addiction is anxiety. Pretty deep anxiety. And one of the things Therapist has suggested is Husband exercising every day.
Husband adds it to his Stuff list and does the very bare minimum. Walking, pacing, or going up and down our stairs for 15 minutes at a time.
So it was our ward 5K a couple of weeks ago, and I was going to run it, but the day of the race, Husband decided he wanted to come too. So we threw the boys in the jogging stroller and did it together. It was lovely. We chatted, we walked, we ran, we pushed. We had a great time.
And immediately after the race, while still on the running high, Husband casually said "we should do this every other day from now on" and I said "Sure!".
So we've been running together this week. We're starting from ground zero, walking a lot, running a little, and talking the whole time. But it has been great. It gets us outside, enjoying each other, and treating our bodies well all at once.
So the running in itself is a gigantic victory in my mind. The real conversation while we run is huge too.
But yesterday as Husband and I got to the trail where we run we had to choose Left or Right, husband had the Biggest Tiny Victory. I told him these were his runs and he could choose. I didn't care. He picked Left and on we went.
At the end of our run, he said told me why.
"I'm feeling pretty proud of myself." he started.
"Yeah, this was a great run, you did awesome and we went far!" I assumed (like usual) that I knew what he was talking about.
"Yeah, but I picked Left." he corrected me.
........
"I don't know if you noticed, but when we got to the trail, there was a lady running just ahead of us. She was wearing skimpy running clothes and I thought hey....we could run behind her and look at that the whole time! and then chose Left instead. I thought running away from her would have been better. So I picked Left."
He was surprised when I told him that THOSE were the kinds of decisions that made the difference in this addiciton. THAT was winning a battle. I was so proud and he was shocked that I was so happy he told me.
When losing weight, my favorites are the non-scale victories NSVs. Losing a pound or 2 (or 50!) is awesome and feels great. But riding my bike as transportation, or outrunning my kids is WAY better.
This was a non-porn victory (NPV) in my mind. If he can keep these tiny personal private thoughts in his head clean, he won't ever get to the point of sitting in front of his laptop staring at the blinking google search bar. When he has consistent NPVs he won't even have to fight the big battles.
So today we're celebrating the Biggest tiny victory. And praying for more like them.
The root of Husband's addiction is anxiety. Pretty deep anxiety. And one of the things Therapist has suggested is Husband exercising every day.
Husband adds it to his Stuff list and does the very bare minimum. Walking, pacing, or going up and down our stairs for 15 minutes at a time.
So it was our ward 5K a couple of weeks ago, and I was going to run it, but the day of the race, Husband decided he wanted to come too. So we threw the boys in the jogging stroller and did it together. It was lovely. We chatted, we walked, we ran, we pushed. We had a great time.
And immediately after the race, while still on the running high, Husband casually said "we should do this every other day from now on" and I said "Sure!".
So we've been running together this week. We're starting from ground zero, walking a lot, running a little, and talking the whole time. But it has been great. It gets us outside, enjoying each other, and treating our bodies well all at once.
So the running in itself is a gigantic victory in my mind. The real conversation while we run is huge too.
But yesterday as Husband and I got to the trail where we run we had to choose Left or Right, husband had the Biggest Tiny Victory. I told him these were his runs and he could choose. I didn't care. He picked Left and on we went.
At the end of our run, he said told me why.
"I'm feeling pretty proud of myself." he started.
"Yeah, this was a great run, you did awesome and we went far!" I assumed (like usual) that I knew what he was talking about.
"Yeah, but I picked Left." he corrected me.
........
"I don't know if you noticed, but when we got to the trail, there was a lady running just ahead of us. She was wearing skimpy running clothes and I thought hey....we could run behind her and look at that the whole time! and then chose Left instead. I thought running away from her would have been better. So I picked Left."
He was surprised when I told him that THOSE were the kinds of decisions that made the difference in this addiciton. THAT was winning a battle. I was so proud and he was shocked that I was so happy he told me.
When losing weight, my favorites are the non-scale victories NSVs. Losing a pound or 2 (or 50!) is awesome and feels great. But riding my bike as transportation, or outrunning my kids is WAY better.
This was a non-porn victory (NPV) in my mind. If he can keep these tiny personal private thoughts in his head clean, he won't ever get to the point of sitting in front of his laptop staring at the blinking google search bar. When he has consistent NPVs he won't even have to fight the big battles.
So today we're celebrating the Biggest tiny victory. And praying for more like them.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Buffalo Art
After I read GreenOlives' comment on my last post, I wished and wished that someone had made a
"Kill Your Own Buffalo" word art over some beautiful picture of flowers or something. But they hadn't. (Weird, right? Who DOESN'T want this one their wall?)
"Kill Your Own Buffalo" word art over some beautiful picture of flowers or something. But they hadn't. (Weird, right? Who DOESN'T want this one their wall?)
And now I want to rename my blog.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Killing My Own Buffalo
On a recent post a commenter mentioned something about being a strong pioneer woman and killing her own buffalo and dragging her own handcard "across the plains" and hoping the man decides to help instead of hinder that journey.
I've been told no less than10,000 times that I need to focus on ME and MY recovery and MY life and make sure that I'M doing what I need to do to honor MY covenants and commitments.
Never before has it sounded like that. It's always sounded like one of those "you can't help someone else if you don't help yourself" statements about the oxygen things on an airplane. Or worse "get out of his business becuase you're not helpful to him anyway."
But "kill your own buffalo" shows me very clearly and simply that I am responsible for my own salvation and life.
I've been very good at playing the victim because I've never done anything wrong in my whole life! (OK that's not true, obviously...so please sense the sarcasm.) and Husband came out of nowhere and blindsided me with this horribly ugly disgusting thing in OUR life together. And it's all his fault! (Do I sound like a whiny 12 year old girl? Did you hear the sound of the door slamming? Becuase that's what I was going for...)
I have 2 children who I want to raise in a home full of the spirit. It's my job to make it so.
I have a calling, a job, a life to live regardless of what he's doing - or even if he exists.
I have a realtionship with my Heavenly Father to work on.
I have scriptures to study.
And if he chooses to join me, FABULOUS! But if he doesn't I still want those things in my life.
So I loaded up the kids and did a bunch of jobs I'd typically wait for Husband to do yesterday. I bought wood at Lowe's, tossed it in my little 4 door mom-car with it hanging out the windows, over the carseats and got it done.
I took both kids with me to the hardware store, the grocery store and for haircuts without even mentioning it to Husband.
I didn't ask for his help in hauling the heavy groceries up the stairs.
I didn't ask for his help moving the cars around.
I didn't ask him to start family scriptures.
I didn't care that he skipped out on prayers.
I didn't ask his permission to leave after the kids were in bed.
I simply saw that things needed to be done and stopped expecting him to get off his butt and do them.
Know what? I like killing buffalo.
I've been told no less than10,000 times that I need to focus on ME and MY recovery and MY life and make sure that I'M doing what I need to do to honor MY covenants and commitments.
Never before has it sounded like that. It's always sounded like one of those "you can't help someone else if you don't help yourself" statements about the oxygen things on an airplane. Or worse "get out of his business becuase you're not helpful to him anyway."
But "kill your own buffalo" shows me very clearly and simply that I am responsible for my own salvation and life.
I've been very good at playing the victim because I've never done anything wrong in my whole life! (OK that's not true, obviously...so please sense the sarcasm.) and Husband came out of nowhere and blindsided me with this horribly ugly disgusting thing in OUR life together. And it's all his fault! (Do I sound like a whiny 12 year old girl? Did you hear the sound of the door slamming? Becuase that's what I was going for...)
I have 2 children who I want to raise in a home full of the spirit. It's my job to make it so.
I have a calling, a job, a life to live regardless of what he's doing - or even if he exists.
I have a realtionship with my Heavenly Father to work on.
I have scriptures to study.
And if he chooses to join me, FABULOUS! But if he doesn't I still want those things in my life.
So I loaded up the kids and did a bunch of jobs I'd typically wait for Husband to do yesterday. I bought wood at Lowe's, tossed it in my little 4 door mom-car with it hanging out the windows, over the carseats and got it done.
I took both kids with me to the hardware store, the grocery store and for haircuts without even mentioning it to Husband.
I didn't ask for his help in hauling the heavy groceries up the stairs.
I didn't ask for his help moving the cars around.
I didn't ask him to start family scriptures.
I didn't care that he skipped out on prayers.
I didn't ask his permission to leave after the kids were in bed.
I simply saw that things needed to be done and stopped expecting him to get off his butt and do them.
Know what? I like killing buffalo.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
A Lame Attempt
Sometimes I know exactly what I want to write, and other times I just know that I want to write.
Today it is the latter, so I apologize in advance for my scattered thoughts.
I would say that Husband and I have been doing well, our relationship progressing and our life running as smoothly as it can given our current circumstances.
But every now and then he says something that just screams "HE'S AN ADDICT!!! RUN THE OTHER WAY!!!!" in my face and I find myself wondering what on earth I'm doing here. How did I let my life become this way?
I suppose the small victory I am celebrating is that when this happens I don't buy into it. I don't feel guilty or let him talk me into being at fault. I don't let his flawed (addict) logic win and I refuse to feel guilty about that. I'm comfortable letting the (obvious) desired response go unsaid because it simply isn't true.
Tonight over dinner Husband told me he thought I was beautiful. It sounded sweet and meaningful, but given some of his behaviors over the last few days I was suspicious about what he meant. So I asked. "What do you mean when you say that?"
After a bit of prodding he said "I saw you getting out of the shower today and I keep thinking about being naked and getting turned on. I'm horny, I want sex, I want relief and I know that the only way I'll get it from you is if I talk to you and tell you what you want to hear."
I didn't respond at all. Again, the tiny victory that you have to be looking for is his honesty.
He made a few attempts at conversation as we got the boys ready for bed. "So....did you like church today?" and "Did you rotate your car tires?" were the best of the bad.
I called him out, explaining that I feel like he's trying to manipulate me so he can get what he wants: sex. Always sex. The only motivation he can seem to find in life.
I suppose I technically appreciate that he's attempting to meet my needs (conversation, connection that isn't physical, etc.) before he starts in on the regular "hook a brother up" requests. But it's just SO FAR from anything real, it's so full of "I'll do anything to get some" mentality and I just can't stand to let it be that way.
I want something that is naturally real instead of forced and calculated and contrived. Is this (settling for a lame attempt instead of the real thing) part of faking it till you make it? Or is this as idiotic as it seems (to me)?
Today it is the latter, so I apologize in advance for my scattered thoughts.
I would say that Husband and I have been doing well, our relationship progressing and our life running as smoothly as it can given our current circumstances.
But every now and then he says something that just screams "HE'S AN ADDICT!!! RUN THE OTHER WAY!!!!" in my face and I find myself wondering what on earth I'm doing here. How did I let my life become this way?
I suppose the small victory I am celebrating is that when this happens I don't buy into it. I don't feel guilty or let him talk me into being at fault. I don't let his flawed (addict) logic win and I refuse to feel guilty about that. I'm comfortable letting the (obvious) desired response go unsaid because it simply isn't true.
Tonight over dinner Husband told me he thought I was beautiful. It sounded sweet and meaningful, but given some of his behaviors over the last few days I was suspicious about what he meant. So I asked. "What do you mean when you say that?"
After a bit of prodding he said "I saw you getting out of the shower today and I keep thinking about being naked and getting turned on. I'm horny, I want sex, I want relief and I know that the only way I'll get it from you is if I talk to you and tell you what you want to hear."
I didn't respond at all. Again, the tiny victory that you have to be looking for is his honesty.
He made a few attempts at conversation as we got the boys ready for bed. "So....did you like church today?" and "Did you rotate your car tires?" were the best of the bad.
I called him out, explaining that I feel like he's trying to manipulate me so he can get what he wants: sex. Always sex. The only motivation he can seem to find in life.
I suppose I technically appreciate that he's attempting to meet my needs (conversation, connection that isn't physical, etc.) before he starts in on the regular "hook a brother up" requests. But it's just SO FAR from anything real, it's so full of "I'll do anything to get some" mentality and I just can't stand to let it be that way.
I want something that is naturally real instead of forced and calculated and contrived. Is this (settling for a lame attempt instead of the real thing) part of faking it till you make it? Or is this as idiotic as it seems (to me)?
Friday, April 6, 2012
Better or Worse
I have such a hard time telling where we are in this recovery process.
There are days that I just can't believe how far we've come. I'm so relieved that we are doing so well, that Husband is doing The Stuff or paying the consequences every day. I can't believe the things we've beaten and I have a lot of tiny victories to celebrate every day. Days that I feel like we're going to make it. There will be a day that this isn't our constant focus.
But Husband eased into this addiction.
Slowly.
Painfully.
He has always been honest (I think) about what has happened and he never bothered to hide it. He'd lose and tell me how sorry he was and how it wasn't going to happen again.
Then he'd lose again, talk to the bishop, work it out, spill his guts, be real sorry and do great. Until he didn't. And when he lost again we'd repeat the cycle.
Masturbation is historically the stronger addiciton for him. Pornography is "just" an occasional problem.
But over the past year I feel like the Pornography has gotten worse. What started as a glance at a questionable magazine in the grocery store has turned into google searches that make me cringe.
There are things that encourage me, but when he loses and I know it's worse than it has ever been, I wonder all over again if we're getting better or getting worse.
How do you know when it's getting better? How do you know when it's time to quit?
There are days that I just can't believe how far we've come. I'm so relieved that we are doing so well, that Husband is doing The Stuff or paying the consequences every day. I can't believe the things we've beaten and I have a lot of tiny victories to celebrate every day. Days that I feel like we're going to make it. There will be a day that this isn't our constant focus.
But Husband eased into this addiction.
Slowly.
Painfully.
He has always been honest (I think) about what has happened and he never bothered to hide it. He'd lose and tell me how sorry he was and how it wasn't going to happen again.
Then he'd lose again, talk to the bishop, work it out, spill his guts, be real sorry and do great. Until he didn't. And when he lost again we'd repeat the cycle.
Masturbation is historically the stronger addiciton for him. Pornography is "just" an occasional problem.
But over the past year I feel like the Pornography has gotten worse. What started as a glance at a questionable magazine in the grocery store has turned into google searches that make me cringe.
There are things that encourage me, but when he loses and I know it's worse than it has ever been, I wonder all over again if we're getting better or getting worse.
How do you know when it's getting better? How do you know when it's time to quit?
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
We're Not Alone
Husband and I were talking about what we heard of conference last night and for the first time in a long time neither one of us could remember a talk about porn and/or repentance. (Keep in mind, we have 2 young kids and although conference was on all day, we admittedtly didn't hear it all- or even most.)
"I guess it's just not a problem anymore." I joked with him.
"Yeah. That's what I hear at Group. Nobody's struggling these days, it has just vanished." He responded.
3 or 4 years ago I would have bet that Husband and I were the only ones in the whole wide world with such a horrific problem. Except for perverts, child molesters, and a bunch of people in prison of course.
I had no idea that so many people struggled with pornography and sexual addiciton. I had no idea that GOOD people struggled with it. And I certainly had no idea that MOST people struggled on some level. (I'd say "most" is a a generous understatment - wouldn't you?)
After Husband returned from PASG I realized that the entire time he was gone I read and read and read. New blogs, old blogs and forum posts. I got sucked into the world of addiction recovery and didn't come out for nearly 2 hours.
I found new friends and checked in with old friends. I read miraculous and heartbreaking stories. I found strength among my sisters who are also fighting this addiction with all they have. And I came out inspired (a little tired) and stronger.
To say I'm in good company is an understatement.
I'm glad to know now what I didn't know then.
"I guess it's just not a problem anymore." I joked with him.
"Yeah. That's what I hear at Group. Nobody's struggling these days, it has just vanished." He responded.
3 or 4 years ago I would have bet that Husband and I were the only ones in the whole wide world with such a horrific problem. Except for perverts, child molesters, and a bunch of people in prison of course.
I had no idea that so many people struggled with pornography and sexual addiciton. I had no idea that GOOD people struggled with it. And I certainly had no idea that MOST people struggled on some level. (I'd say "most" is a a generous understatment - wouldn't you?)
After Husband returned from PASG I realized that the entire time he was gone I read and read and read. New blogs, old blogs and forum posts. I got sucked into the world of addiction recovery and didn't come out for nearly 2 hours.
I found new friends and checked in with old friends. I read miraculous and heartbreaking stories. I found strength among my sisters who are also fighting this addiction with all they have. And I came out inspired (a little tired) and stronger.
To say I'm in good company is an understatement.
I'm glad to know now what I didn't know then.
Monday, April 2, 2012
10 minutes
I know a woman who prays for 30 mintues every day without fail. This is a part of her life that she simply cannot live without.
I have two young children, a business, and a fairly demanding calling and I often remind myself that I simply "don't have that kind of time". The truth is I could make that kind of time if I wanted to - but I haven't done it.
But this month is the month of 10 minute prayers. Every day. I have told my husband that I am off limits to him (and the kids) because I am alloting myself 10 straight minutes of time to be with my Heavenly Father every day. And I get to pick when it is.
Yesterday was the first of the month and it was a beautiful 10 minutes. I'm amazed that things I have to discuss, ideas, people, thoughts that I have been neglecting. I hope that during this month I create a habit that lasts through my whole life.
I have two young children, a business, and a fairly demanding calling and I often remind myself that I simply "don't have that kind of time". The truth is I could make that kind of time if I wanted to - but I haven't done it.
But this month is the month of 10 minute prayers. Every day. I have told my husband that I am off limits to him (and the kids) because I am alloting myself 10 straight minutes of time to be with my Heavenly Father every day. And I get to pick when it is.
Yesterday was the first of the month and it was a beautiful 10 minutes. I'm amazed that things I have to discuss, ideas, people, thoughts that I have been neglecting. I hope that during this month I create a habit that lasts through my whole life.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The Stuff
Sometimes I talk about "The Stuff". Here's what it is for me:
1) Read Scriptures (10 minutes)
2) Pray (sincerely)
3) Talk (at least 2 meaningful conversations with Mrs. A.)
4) 3 minute shower (Husband struggled in the shower, and limiting his time there has significantly helped with thoughtless losses)
5) Not Home Alone (Husband struggles to be alone in our home. So, if his levels are out of whack, he has to leave our house.)
6) Check Levels (On a scale of 1-10 he rates his (a) desire to lose (b) dedication NOT to lose (c) anxiety)
7) Exercise (15 minutes)
8) Relaxation (ususally deep breaths or hand rolling or something similarly relaxing)
This is his list, that he decides everything about. He makes adjustments when he feels like something isn't working or is too demanding. He picks his "punishments" and tells me whether or not he thinks he completed each task on the list good enough. I do not drive this, but he has asked me to help him be accountable by asking him to report if he doesn't. Listening to him is the extent of my involvement.
The Stuff refers to the things that Husband has decided are important for him to do EVERY day without fail. Each night he goes through his (written) list and tells me what he did. If he chooses not to do these things, he has some form of "punishment" attached - his choice. (Irregular hosehold chore, giving up $$, etc.) This list sometimes changes and has adjustments, but it currently includes:
1) Read Scriptures (10 minutes)
2) Pray (sincerely)
3) Talk (at least 2 meaningful conversations with Mrs. A.)
4) 3 minute shower (Husband struggled in the shower, and limiting his time there has significantly helped with thoughtless losses)
5) Not Home Alone (Husband struggles to be alone in our home. So, if his levels are out of whack, he has to leave our house.)
6) Check Levels (On a scale of 1-10 he rates his (a) desire to lose (b) dedication NOT to lose (c) anxiety)
7) Exercise (15 minutes)
8) Relaxation (ususally deep breaths or hand rolling or something similarly relaxing)
This is his list, that he decides everything about. He makes adjustments when he feels like something isn't working or is too demanding. He picks his "punishments" and tells me whether or not he thinks he completed each task on the list good enough. I do not drive this, but he has asked me to help him be accountable by asking him to report if he doesn't. Listening to him is the extent of my involvement.
I'm curiuos. Do you have your own "Stuff"? Does your addict? Is it different from this list?
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Do I deserve what I want?
I attended a stake conference a year or two ago in which there was a visiting general authority.
He and his wife spoke at the adult session and very nearly broke my heart. They spoke about marriage and how important, divine, eternal and happy it should be.
They offered tips and advice for how to make the marriage relationship work and casually told stories about their life together.
At this point in our life, we were not happy. Husband was spiralling deeper into the addiction and fighting recovery. I was demanding that he change or I leave. We were wildly unhappy. Husband was in school full time and working and I was angry that he spent so much time at school and so little time with our family.
The GA spoke about a time in his life that he was in school and his ever-supportive wife would quiz him and help him study. They joked that she could pass every test that he passed and it was only fair that she have the licensing he had at the end of it.
She spoke of the sacrifices he willingly made in order to spend quality time with her and the kids. He lovingly taught and played with them.
As she expressed her love and appreciation for him, I sat in the back row sobbing because I wanted to love my dirty-rotten-good-for-nothing husband that much. Why, WHY couldn't he be worth loving that much?
As he expressed his love and appreciation for her, I sobbed because I knew my dirty-rotten-good-for-nothing husband would never be so kind and gushing and loving to me.
Then, very suddenly I saw clearly why he would never love me that way. I was giving him absolutely nothing to gush over. I didn't help him study, I didn't invite him to be with us at the end of the day, I didn't ask how his day was or offer any support because I was too busy being hurt and mad. Of course he didn't love me, I gave him nothing to love.
I'd like to say everything changed from that day forward, but it didn't. But I am trying, and I often think of that talk. If I want him to gush and adore me, I must be adorable and gush-worthy.
Of course there are behaviors I will support and those I cannot tolerate; however if we're going to live happily in recovery I need to give Husband something to love.
And you know what? I like being lovable.
He and his wife spoke at the adult session and very nearly broke my heart. They spoke about marriage and how important, divine, eternal and happy it should be.
They offered tips and advice for how to make the marriage relationship work and casually told stories about their life together.
At this point in our life, we were not happy. Husband was spiralling deeper into the addiction and fighting recovery. I was demanding that he change or I leave. We were wildly unhappy. Husband was in school full time and working and I was angry that he spent so much time at school and so little time with our family.
The GA spoke about a time in his life that he was in school and his ever-supportive wife would quiz him and help him study. They joked that she could pass every test that he passed and it was only fair that she have the licensing he had at the end of it.
She spoke of the sacrifices he willingly made in order to spend quality time with her and the kids. He lovingly taught and played with them.
As she expressed her love and appreciation for him, I sat in the back row sobbing because I wanted to love my dirty-rotten-good-for-nothing husband that much. Why, WHY couldn't he be worth loving that much?
As he expressed his love and appreciation for her, I sobbed because I knew my dirty-rotten-good-for-nothing husband would never be so kind and gushing and loving to me.
Then, very suddenly I saw clearly why he would never love me that way. I was giving him absolutely nothing to gush over. I didn't help him study, I didn't invite him to be with us at the end of the day, I didn't ask how his day was or offer any support because I was too busy being hurt and mad. Of course he didn't love me, I gave him nothing to love.
I'd like to say everything changed from that day forward, but it didn't. But I am trying, and I often think of that talk. If I want him to gush and adore me, I must be adorable and gush-worthy.
Of course there are behaviors I will support and those I cannot tolerate; however if we're going to live happily in recovery I need to give Husband something to love.
And you know what? I like being lovable.
Monday, March 26, 2012
What I Wish I Had
My sister has 4 children. All of them boys.
She loves them all (of course) beyond all reason.
But when she found out her 4th (and last) was a(nother) boy she was heartbroken. She was studying psychology at the time, and told me that even though it sounded stupid, she needed to grieve for her loss of having a daughter. She would never do mother/daughter things. She'd never go to girls's camp with her own girl, or spend a "girls' night" during the priesthood session. She wouldn't do hair and nails before prom. She wouldn't go dress shopping or get ears pierced or or or or or.... (the list goes on).
I feel like every now and then I suddenly need to re-mourn for the things I may never have. Sometimes this is simply ridiculous and a worthless waste of emotions. Other times I think it's good for me to validate why this is so hard...
Will Husband come to his senses and be temple worthy?
Will he baptize our sons?
Will we be an adorable old couple so in love that we weep when we talk about each other?
Will we grow together and pull through this?
Or will I be consistently mourning for these things I want so desperately to have in my life?
She loves them all (of course) beyond all reason.
But when she found out her 4th (and last) was a(nother) boy she was heartbroken. She was studying psychology at the time, and told me that even though it sounded stupid, she needed to grieve for her loss of having a daughter. She would never do mother/daughter things. She'd never go to girls's camp with her own girl, or spend a "girls' night" during the priesthood session. She wouldn't do hair and nails before prom. She wouldn't go dress shopping or get ears pierced or or or or or.... (the list goes on).
I feel like every now and then I suddenly need to re-mourn for the things I may never have. Sometimes this is simply ridiculous and a worthless waste of emotions. Other times I think it's good for me to validate why this is so hard...
Will Husband come to his senses and be temple worthy?
Will he baptize our sons?
Will we be an adorable old couple so in love that we weep when we talk about each other?
Will we grow together and pull through this?
Or will I be consistently mourning for these things I want so desperately to have in my life?
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Exhaustion
I feel like I spent a lot of the time "in the beginning" (I don't really know when "the beginning" ends and something else starts....whatever, I'm calling it the beginning anyway) trying desperately to find and avoid Husband's triggers.
He couldn't be alone - so I babysat him.
He couldn't be stressed - so I took on everything I could to relieve him.
He couldn't be angry - so I walked on eggshells. I'm bad at shell-walking. But I sure tried.
He couldn't be bored - so I invented things for him to do.
In case you're new to the addict language THAT is a beautiful picture of codependence.
But I have worked (and am continually working) to let him be the boss of making sure his triggers don't happen often and he deals with them properly when they do.
It's left me all kinds of time for me to identify MY triggers for my bad behavior.
And exhaustion is a big one for me.
Not just being tired. Or not sleeping enough. I can usually deal with that pretty well, but that run-ragged can't do enough, be enough, or try enough kind of exhaustion. It kills me - every time.
The thought of cooking another meal, writing another e-mail, or reading one more story to my boys makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.
I get overwhelmed and overworked and overtired and I simply can't deal with my life and all that it demands of me.
So I lash out, and I suddenly see all of the horrible things that I hate about the people around me. Husband included. I simply can't tolerate my extraordinarily imperfect life.
So I am trying hard to avoid exhaustion by better managing my time and resources. I'm trying to work more efficiently and spend time doing the most important things. But I know that I won't always be able to avoid that feeling of complete exhaustion when I simply can't deal anymore.
So I'm curious - what do you do when you hit that wall? (or any other wall that you might have...)
He couldn't be alone - so I babysat him.
He couldn't be stressed - so I took on everything I could to relieve him.
He couldn't be angry - so I walked on eggshells. I'm bad at shell-walking. But I sure tried.
He couldn't be bored - so I invented things for him to do.
In case you're new to the addict language THAT is a beautiful picture of codependence.
But I have worked (and am continually working) to let him be the boss of making sure his triggers don't happen often and he deals with them properly when they do.
It's left me all kinds of time for me to identify MY triggers for my bad behavior.
And exhaustion is a big one for me.
Not just being tired. Or not sleeping enough. I can usually deal with that pretty well, but that run-ragged can't do enough, be enough, or try enough kind of exhaustion. It kills me - every time.
The thought of cooking another meal, writing another e-mail, or reading one more story to my boys makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.
I get overwhelmed and overworked and overtired and I simply can't deal with my life and all that it demands of me.
So I lash out, and I suddenly see all of the horrible things that I hate about the people around me. Husband included. I simply can't tolerate my extraordinarily imperfect life.
So I am trying hard to avoid exhaustion by better managing my time and resources. I'm trying to work more efficiently and spend time doing the most important things. But I know that I won't always be able to avoid that feeling of complete exhaustion when I simply can't deal anymore.
So I'm curious - what do you do when you hit that wall? (or any other wall that you might have...)
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Sacrifice
I am certainly aware that we are going to have to make some significant sacrifices if we're going to beat this thing.
Both of us will.
It has impacted our lives and disrupted our schedules.
It has turned things upside down and sideways.
We are learning and doing differently than we ever thought we would.
As an addict Husband doesn't get to behave the way a non-addict would. He doesn't get to take days off from "The Stuff", he doesn't have time to waste, he can't allow casually dangerous behaviors.
As the wife of an addict my standards are going to have to be higher. I can't allow material that is even a little bit questionable into my home. I don't get to spend Sunday evenings with my family (PASG night), I don't get to read "whatever I want" because right now all of my available reading time is spent studying this addiction and the atonement and working on my own healing.
Sometimes I hate these sacrifices. Sometimes I hate that our lives can't be "normal" ever again. Sometimes I'm bitter that Husband's choices took over MY life.
But today I'm thankful for these changes. None of them are bad. None of them are things I should ignore or put off anyway. So while I hate the addiction and most of its affects on my family, I love that it is bringing us to our knees and raising our bar.
Both of us will.
It has impacted our lives and disrupted our schedules.
It has turned things upside down and sideways.
We are learning and doing differently than we ever thought we would.
As an addict Husband doesn't get to behave the way a non-addict would. He doesn't get to take days off from "The Stuff", he doesn't have time to waste, he can't allow casually dangerous behaviors.
As the wife of an addict my standards are going to have to be higher. I can't allow material that is even a little bit questionable into my home. I don't get to spend Sunday evenings with my family (PASG night), I don't get to read "whatever I want" because right now all of my available reading time is spent studying this addiction and the atonement and working on my own healing.
Sometimes I hate these sacrifices. Sometimes I hate that our lives can't be "normal" ever again. Sometimes I'm bitter that Husband's choices took over MY life.
But today I'm thankful for these changes. None of them are bad. None of them are things I should ignore or put off anyway. So while I hate the addiction and most of its affects on my family, I love that it is bringing us to our knees and raising our bar.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Blame
I mentioned that I'm just starting to see that not everything bad in my life is because of my husband's addiction. I know it sounds unreasonable, but I have honestly felt that it was.
We were so happy and so in love before this (which just happened to be the first year of our marriage) that it seemed logical to me that every unhappy moment came back to the addiction.
Don't get me wrong, this addiction has wreaked havoc on our lives and on our marriage, but I was taking it to the VERY extreme.
I'm sitting here scrubbing dishes in the middle of the night because my idiot husband is addicted to porn. I'd think. If he wasn't addicted he would be much less lazy, much more giving, and less selfish. He would be willing to help out around here. He'd have time to do things and he'd care aobut me enough to wash his own dishes.
If Husband didn't have an addiction we'd be able to spend our Sunday evenings enjoying each other as a family instead of going to PASG meetings. Just one more night away.
I wouldn't be so worried about my boys if I knew they had a decent human being for a father.
Writing it makes me feel a bit foolish and a lot childish, but the truth is I could not see any bad thing in life that wasn't his fault. Every fight, every chore, every thing I did not love was caused by the addiction in my mind.
I was venting to Therapist about how much I had grown to hate Husband one day because "He's good for nothing. He continually hurts me and I don't trust him. We don't have the connection we used to have and quite frankly he grosses me out."
Therapist asked me why I do the things I do at home. Why do I change diapers, wash clothes, run errands and work. My (sad) answer was this. "Because Husband certainly won't. So I have to." And what causes the negativity between Husband and I? "The addiction. Before the addiction he was perfect, we talked and laughed and enjoyed each other, but this addiction has made him mean and selfish and ornery."
Here is the truth. I do dishes, run errands and change diapers because I love my family. We'd eat and wear clothes no matter what Husband was doing in his spare time. Husband is in school full time and working full time, so he'd be largely unavailable to me no matter what he looked at on the internet. While isolation, selfishness and retreat are signs of a problem, they are not caused by the problem, nor cured by the lack of the addiction. Husband wasn't perfect before and I'm not perfect now. Our lives are different now in a million different ways. (2 kids, more school, more jobs, more responsibilities and less time for fun.)
So while there are plenty of negative side-effects I can legitimately blame on this addiction, my day-to-day life being overwhelming and exhausting is MY problem. Not his. He is capable of being an addict AND nice at the same time. And most importantly he is still the man I chose to marry. And I chose to marry him for a million reasons.
The totally awesome side-effect of this realization in my life is that I don't hate my husband anymore. I don't curse his name with every swipe of the dust cloth. I don't wonder if I should have married him every time I log in to work. When we disagree about something, I can let it be about the thing we are discussing instead about the addiction and how he "ruined our lives!"
I am learning to separate the addiction problem from all of the other problems (of which there are many).
We were so happy and so in love before this (which just happened to be the first year of our marriage) that it seemed logical to me that every unhappy moment came back to the addiction.
Don't get me wrong, this addiction has wreaked havoc on our lives and on our marriage, but I was taking it to the VERY extreme.
I'm sitting here scrubbing dishes in the middle of the night because my idiot husband is addicted to porn. I'd think. If he wasn't addicted he would be much less lazy, much more giving, and less selfish. He would be willing to help out around here. He'd have time to do things and he'd care aobut me enough to wash his own dishes.
If Husband didn't have an addiction we'd be able to spend our Sunday evenings enjoying each other as a family instead of going to PASG meetings. Just one more night away.
I wouldn't be so worried about my boys if I knew they had a decent human being for a father.
Writing it makes me feel a bit foolish and a lot childish, but the truth is I could not see any bad thing in life that wasn't his fault. Every fight, every chore, every thing I did not love was caused by the addiction in my mind.
I was venting to Therapist about how much I had grown to hate Husband one day because "He's good for nothing. He continually hurts me and I don't trust him. We don't have the connection we used to have and quite frankly he grosses me out."
Therapist asked me why I do the things I do at home. Why do I change diapers, wash clothes, run errands and work. My (sad) answer was this. "Because Husband certainly won't. So I have to." And what causes the negativity between Husband and I? "The addiction. Before the addiction he was perfect, we talked and laughed and enjoyed each other, but this addiction has made him mean and selfish and ornery."
Here is the truth. I do dishes, run errands and change diapers because I love my family. We'd eat and wear clothes no matter what Husband was doing in his spare time. Husband is in school full time and working full time, so he'd be largely unavailable to me no matter what he looked at on the internet. While isolation, selfishness and retreat are signs of a problem, they are not caused by the problem, nor cured by the lack of the addiction. Husband wasn't perfect before and I'm not perfect now. Our lives are different now in a million different ways. (2 kids, more school, more jobs, more responsibilities and less time for fun.)
So while there are plenty of negative side-effects I can legitimately blame on this addiction, my day-to-day life being overwhelming and exhausting is MY problem. Not his. He is capable of being an addict AND nice at the same time. And most importantly he is still the man I chose to marry. And I chose to marry him for a million reasons.
The totally awesome side-effect of this realization in my life is that I don't hate my husband anymore. I don't curse his name with every swipe of the dust cloth. I don't wonder if I should have married him every time I log in to work. When we disagree about something, I can let it be about the thing we are discussing instead about the addiction and how he "ruined our lives!"
I am learning to separate the addiction problem from all of the other problems (of which there are many).
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Suspicious
During the first few years of my husband's sexual addiction, I was certain we were the ONLY ones on the planet dealing with such a horrific and embarrassing problem.
Then I attended one PASG meeting and ran into someone from our ward and met no less than 15 women in my area dealing with the same thing. Then I talked to Husband and learned that the men's side of PASG was so large that they split into 2 and sometimes 3 groups. And these are just the people attending PASG.
Now it's been a few years and I am having a hard time finding anybody who I think is not dealing with sexual addiction and pornography.
Of course most people don't go around with a sign on their shirt saying "my husband is a porn addict" (although if they did I think we'd all be surprised...) but I see and hear signs that make me think people I love (or even just know) are dealing with it.
Every comment somebody makes about "having a hard time right now" = porn addiciton. Every time someone says they saw something weird on their credit but it was just fraud makes me think = LYING HUSBAND! Every time I hear of someone's marriage ending I'm confident that it is because of porn. Every unexplained negative situation leads to sexual addiction SOMEhow.
I'm just beginning to stop blaming the addiction for all of the horrible things in my own life, so maybe once I have that under control I can stop blaming addiction for all of the bad things in everybody else's life too.
Are you/did you go through a period when you were suddenly suspicious of everybody around you?
Then I attended one PASG meeting and ran into someone from our ward and met no less than 15 women in my area dealing with the same thing. Then I talked to Husband and learned that the men's side of PASG was so large that they split into 2 and sometimes 3 groups. And these are just the people attending PASG.
Now it's been a few years and I am having a hard time finding anybody who I think is not dealing with sexual addiction and pornography.
Of course most people don't go around with a sign on their shirt saying "my husband is a porn addict" (although if they did I think we'd all be surprised...) but I see and hear signs that make me think people I love (or even just know) are dealing with it.
Every comment somebody makes about "having a hard time right now" = porn addiciton. Every time someone says they saw something weird on their credit but it was just fraud makes me think = LYING HUSBAND! Every time I hear of someone's marriage ending I'm confident that it is because of porn. Every unexplained negative situation leads to sexual addiction SOMEhow.
I'm just beginning to stop blaming the addiction for all of the horrible things in my own life, so maybe once I have that under control I can stop blaming addiction for all of the bad things in everybody else's life too.
Are you/did you go through a period when you were suddenly suspicious of everybody around you?
Friday, March 2, 2012
Happy for real?
When things are good and I feel good about it, I worry that it's not real.
I want to badly to be "OK" regardless of how Husband is doing. I want my happiness and my wellness to be completely independent of his behavior, good or bad.
So every time things are going well and I'm feeling good, I find myself questioning my OKness.
Am I OK because he's doing well?
Am I happy because he's talking to me? or because I'm happy?
If he lost today, would I still feel good?
Is this faith and happiness OK to feel when he's doing well?
I almost feel like if he does well AND I'm happy, it's a manufactured happiness that I am not entitled to feel.
Currently Husband is talking to me, we're dating, we're laughing, we're playing and I'm enjoying our relationship and feeling good.
But he's still struggling on the sexual addiction front. Struggling a lot, and I don't care.
I don't mean for that to sound insensitive or disconnected. Of course I want him to make better choices and gain control of his life, but when he doesn't, I don't care. It sucks for him and I wish it didn't - but it does, and I honestly don't care.
So I'm happy in spite of his addiction - but I find myself wondering, would I be happy in spite of his addiction of he wasn't talking to me?
I hope so. But I'm not sure.
I want to badly to be "OK" regardless of how Husband is doing. I want my happiness and my wellness to be completely independent of his behavior, good or bad.
So every time things are going well and I'm feeling good, I find myself questioning my OKness.
Am I OK because he's doing well?
Am I happy because he's talking to me? or because I'm happy?
If he lost today, would I still feel good?
Is this faith and happiness OK to feel when he's doing well?
I almost feel like if he does well AND I'm happy, it's a manufactured happiness that I am not entitled to feel.
Currently Husband is talking to me, we're dating, we're laughing, we're playing and I'm enjoying our relationship and feeling good.
But he's still struggling on the sexual addiction front. Struggling a lot, and I don't care.
I don't mean for that to sound insensitive or disconnected. Of course I want him to make better choices and gain control of his life, but when he doesn't, I don't care. It sucks for him and I wish it didn't - but it does, and I honestly don't care.
So I'm happy in spite of his addiction - but I find myself wondering, would I be happy in spite of his addiction of he wasn't talking to me?
I hope so. But I'm not sure.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Feeling good
About 6 weeks ago Husband and I had a (typical) meeting with Therapist. We talked about all the normal things and got the same advice we've been getting on a regular basis for the past 2 years.
"You have an anxiety disorder. You cannot skip things like people without a disorder do."
"If you don't start talking about things, it won't be better."
"You have to monitor yourself"
Nothing was new information. Nothing was a big revelation. But suddenly Husband heard number 2. "You HAVE to talk more."
When Husband and I were dating we couldn't talk to each other enough. We always had so much to say, but over the last few years our conversations have dwindled almost to the point of not existing. When we do talk it's strictly business.
"Did you pay this bill?"
"Can you stay home with the boys while I get groceries?"
"What should we do about the constant fit-throwing?"
"What time is your meeting?"
Except when Husband has a big breakdown. Then it's a long painful overwhelming conversation filled with emotions and tears and reassurance.
But as we left Therapist's office that day, it was like someone had flipped the "on" switch to Husband's brain and he heard it suddenly.
He started talking to me the way he did when we were dating. Immediately. No warming into it, no slowly getting better, he was just suddenly and miraculously capable of conversation in a way that he hasn't been for years.
These 6 weeks have been amazing. Husband has acted out, he's lost battles with Satan, he's made poor choices, and he's disappointed me.
But I don't care like I used to. I don't hate him for it. I wish it was different, I wish he wasn't so sad, I wish he could see the way his choices affect us. But I'm not mad. At all.
Instead I'm in love with him again. He is my friend and my confidant. I am his friend and I just want him to be happy and healthy. I am cheering him on and crying with him instead of crying because of him. We're both trying and it feels amazing.
I've missed him these past few years.
"You have an anxiety disorder. You cannot skip things like people without a disorder do."
"If you don't start talking about things, it won't be better."
"You have to monitor yourself"
Nothing was new information. Nothing was a big revelation. But suddenly Husband heard number 2. "You HAVE to talk more."
When Husband and I were dating we couldn't talk to each other enough. We always had so much to say, but over the last few years our conversations have dwindled almost to the point of not existing. When we do talk it's strictly business.
"Did you pay this bill?"
"Can you stay home with the boys while I get groceries?"
"What should we do about the constant fit-throwing?"
"What time is your meeting?"
Except when Husband has a big breakdown. Then it's a long painful overwhelming conversation filled with emotions and tears and reassurance.
But as we left Therapist's office that day, it was like someone had flipped the "on" switch to Husband's brain and he heard it suddenly.
He started talking to me the way he did when we were dating. Immediately. No warming into it, no slowly getting better, he was just suddenly and miraculously capable of conversation in a way that he hasn't been for years.
These 6 weeks have been amazing. Husband has acted out, he's lost battles with Satan, he's made poor choices, and he's disappointed me.
But I don't care like I used to. I don't hate him for it. I wish it was different, I wish he wasn't so sad, I wish he could see the way his choices affect us. But I'm not mad. At all.
Instead I'm in love with him again. He is my friend and my confidant. I am his friend and I just want him to be happy and healthy. I am cheering him on and crying with him instead of crying because of him. We're both trying and it feels amazing.
I've missed him these past few years.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Ouch
I serve in RS presidency in my ward, and Husband serves in another presidency. We're very active and (I think) from the outside look like our little perfect life is little and perfect. Our incredibly close (really might as well be family) friend in the ward serves as EQ President. He is teaching the presidency instruction lesson next month and called last night asking me for a favor.
He wants me to write a letter explaining why it means so much to me to have the Priesthood in my home. He also wants me to say one thing I wish my husband (as a priesthood holder) would do better. He's asking a few people to do this and they will be shared anonymously in Elder's Quorum. When he asked I caught my breath, and willingly agreed to do it. Then immediately hung up the phone and wept.
How am I supposed to write this letter? I'm NOT glad to have the priesthood in my home because I don't. I desperately wish I did, but the truth of the matter is that my perfect little family is terribly flawed. I go to the temple, but Husband can't. I desperately wish I could have a blessing of comfort and guidance, but Husband can't give one to me. I hope that by the time my boys are of age, he'll be able to baptize them, but I don't know if that will happen. Right now he just isn't the Priesthood holder that I wish he was. What can he do better? He could stop looking at porn for starters! (OK I know it's not that simple....but really - how great would that be?)
I was in the kitchen when the call came and Husband was in the living room eavesdropping on my side of the conversation. I cried and he asked what was wrong. I told him about the request from our good friend and he was speechless.
Within a few minutes I was fine again. (I'm a crier. My tears don't signify a MAJOR disruption in life...) But Husband was stung pretty badly. It was one of those (few) moments that it was very clear to him what his addiction is costing our family.
I have a few days to think about how to write this letter....I'm praying that I can say the right thing and be honest.
He wants me to write a letter explaining why it means so much to me to have the Priesthood in my home. He also wants me to say one thing I wish my husband (as a priesthood holder) would do better. He's asking a few people to do this and they will be shared anonymously in Elder's Quorum. When he asked I caught my breath, and willingly agreed to do it. Then immediately hung up the phone and wept.
How am I supposed to write this letter? I'm NOT glad to have the priesthood in my home because I don't. I desperately wish I did, but the truth of the matter is that my perfect little family is terribly flawed. I go to the temple, but Husband can't. I desperately wish I could have a blessing of comfort and guidance, but Husband can't give one to me. I hope that by the time my boys are of age, he'll be able to baptize them, but I don't know if that will happen. Right now he just isn't the Priesthood holder that I wish he was. What can he do better? He could stop looking at porn for starters! (OK I know it's not that simple....but really - how great would that be?)
I was in the kitchen when the call came and Husband was in the living room eavesdropping on my side of the conversation. I cried and he asked what was wrong. I told him about the request from our good friend and he was speechless.
Within a few minutes I was fine again. (I'm a crier. My tears don't signify a MAJOR disruption in life...) But Husband was stung pretty badly. It was one of those (few) moments that it was very clear to him what his addiction is costing our family.
I have a few days to think about how to write this letter....I'm praying that I can say the right thing and be honest.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
The Short Version
Husband and I have been married since 2006. Our first son was born in 2009 and our second in 2011.
Before we were married, Husband had a problem with masturbation. But he (and I) were pretty sure that once we were married (and therefore sexually active) there would be no need for that. Turns out that is not quite how it works.
About a year into our marriage Husband had one "small" issue with porn. Which he "took care of" (what is that supposed to mean anyway?) and we moved on. Then it happened again. And again. And again. A lot of Bishops didn't think it was a big deal because he wasn't a frequent or intense user.
It's been almost 5 years now and he's finally starting to treat this as an addiction. We have a lot of bad days and some good days and we're working through it. At least that's the goal.
Before we were married, Husband had a problem with masturbation. But he (and I) were pretty sure that once we were married (and therefore sexually active) there would be no need for that. Turns out that is not quite how it works.
About a year into our marriage Husband had one "small" issue with porn. Which he "took care of" (what is that supposed to mean anyway?) and we moved on. Then it happened again. And again. And again. A lot of Bishops didn't think it was a big deal because he wasn't a frequent or intense user.
It's been almost 5 years now and he's finally starting to treat this as an addiction. We have a lot of bad days and some good days and we're working through it. At least that's the goal.
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