Need Daddy

This morning my Toddler Man (age 2.5) sniffled and whimpered on the sofa whining "I just neeeed Daddy. Neeed Daddy." and I was immediately thankful that Daddy lives here.

Since Husband wasn't a "hide the big secret for years until I'm busted" type and instead was the "confess to every little loss while we are both sinking deeper and deeper into it without noticing" type, I feel like I've always known about the addiction.

We wanted to wait about a year before having kids after we were married. Which we did.

But then those kids didn't come.

And didn't come.

And didn't come.

And that was (at the time) the hardest thing that had ever happened to me. I was heartbroken in a way I can't even describe.

This heartache overshadowed the pain of the addiction at that time. The addiction sucked. I knew it was there. But it was not as big of a deal as infertility.

Then miraculously I was pregnant.

I immediately knew that everything in my world would be right. Everything would be OK. Magically all was well.

A year later I was sitting in a PASG meeting and a young woman came in for the first time. She was with her mother and as she told her story, they both sobbed. During the previous 2 weeks she had discovered her husband's second life. She talked about how she couldn't understand why anybody would stay with a man like that. She had something of a zero tolerance policy.They hadn't even been married a year and she left him. She moved back in with her mom and all of the things she hoped for when they married in the temple were gone.

Then her mother spoke about the heartache she felt for her daughter. And how glad she was that it had been discovered before there were children involved so she (the daughter) could make the choice that was best for her.

In no way did either of these women say that these choices were the best for everyone, but I sat there silently wiping away my own tears wondering if that period of infidelity was my chance to leave. Did I miss an opportunity to do what was best for me?

For 2.5 years I wracked my brain trying to understand what purpose the infertility could possibly serve. And now I wonder if that was my open door. I could leave with no strings attached. I could get out and never see Husband again.

But during that time I never wanted to leave. I felt lucky that Husband would stay with me even though I couldn't make him a father. It never even crossed my mind that there might be someone better for me out there.

As the addiction has become worse and worse I've had moments wondering if I should leave. And if it would solve enough problems. But we have two little boys, and (right now) for me I am confident that it would not be best for them to grow up without him. I am tied to husband through my children.

I wonder now if the reason we finally did have kids when we did was to keep us together. Because there are days I'm not certain I'd hang in there if it wasn't so clear that they need him.

The only thing I know is that there is a plan for me. My responsibility is the make the best choices I can right now. During that period of infertility, I didn't want to leave. During this time of young children, I don't feel like leaving is best for my family. And when I initially chose to marry Husband, I knew it was the right decision.

So all I know is that right now I'm doing the best I can do.

Toddler Man is right, he does "neeed daddy".