I am struggling to find the appropriate balance between having a healthy sex life and not feeling like my husband's hooker.
His (nearly constant) desire for sex is something I struggle to make amends with and if I'm being honest with myself I often blame the porn and masturbation.
To say I've closed down sexually is probably an understatement, but I don't know how to get things going again without feeling like I am just one more piece of his addiction.
So I thought I'd start by having one night a week that I promised myself I wouldn't turn down sex if the opportunity arose. But I didn't to tell Husband my plan because I knew he'd be crawling all over me and the Hand Monster would take over.
The first day arrived and I signed my text to my husband with x's and o's. I tried to flirt with him and kissed him when he came home from work. He thanked me for showing him affection and told me that he had lost that day. And I was suddenly repulsed by him.
Figures.
And sex night went right out the window.
Week 2 came around and I made the same efforts. Husband came home stressed out and ornery about a school thing (grades? test scores? clinic? something.) and we fought even while I tried to avoid it.
Am I picking fights because I don't really want to do this?
Sex night went right out the window.
A few weeks in things still hadn't gone as planned. We'd had sex, but not happy healthy mutually fulfilling sex.
I wound up telling Husband about my plan to have a night I wouldn't shoot him down. Then I immediately started qualifying that night.
"But that doesn't mean you just come home from work and get some!"
"But you still have to talk to me!"
"But I still need you to be nice to me."
"Can you pretend you're still working for it?"
"Don't think that you can be an idiot all week (or even all day) and still have sex that night."
"But you also have to give me a date night!"
And then I had one of those moments where I wondered if he was understanding.
"But I don't want you to feel like you have to earn it. You aren't a dog and I'm not your treat. You know?"
He didn't know. He doesn't get it.
But by then I had walked into the grocery store and my location wasn't allowing me to be frank with him anymore.
"I'm just saying that if you want me to make a cake, I need the ingredients. Right now I don't have any eggs or flour or.....just make sure I have the ingredients and I promsie I'll make you cake."
It's so clear to me that there are things I need in order for us to have a really great sex-life. The difference between me punshing him or him having to earn sex and the natural effects of his behaviors is so clear to me.
But I don't know how to make it any more clear to him. I honestly believe he thinks I sit around all day thinking up ways to punish him for his bad behavior and reward him for his good.
Any hubsands out there who get this? Is it just me that can't explain it properly?
It's so interesting to me that everyone is talking about the whole sex issue right now on their blogs. My husband and I have been discussing this a lot the last week or so. I don't think either of us had realized just how damaged things had gotten (since until recently, I was still doing the obligatory 2-3 times a week, and he could blame my 'less than enthusiastic' attitude on the new baby and not the fact that I was not enjoying it at all 'cause I was so uncomfortable being sexual with him and not reading a dozen things in to it.) We're doing 12 weeks without sex, at his request, and it's been SO good for me. (He's not enjoying it much, he's also stayed 'sober' the whole time, and I think between the two he has no way 'medicate' away any of his stress or emotions and he's 'feeling' a lot more than he normally has to and it's hard for him -- but he realizes it's necessary too.) I'm closer and more affectionate with him. I'm more physically affectionate 'cause I don't worry about it leading to sex. I don't feel dirty, 'cause he's not being all 'grope-y' with me, as he's also trying to avoid overly sexual actions whether they lead to sex or not. It's actually gotten to the point I want to have sex with him again, which is a welcome change (when we were first married it was such a mutually beneficial, and instigated, thing -- it really has been one of the big casualties of this whole porn thing). But, at the same time I'm glad we have 8 more weeks, 'cause I like where things are headed and I think it's really good for him to not have sex be such a focus for awhile.
ReplyDeleteDitto. I feel so much closer and more affectionate when I don't feel obligated. Sex is off the table for us right now for 7 weeks. I've already had more desire than I have in the last two years simply knowing it's up to me. Maybe you could recommend taking a break? We are doing the recommended 7 week thing in "And They Were Not Ashamed." You spend three nights a week together, intimately, without sex to help rebuild that relationship. It has helped so far, for me.
DeleteHa. Maybe I'll ask my husband to write up an explanation. Guy to guy explanation, you know? Although chances are my husband is just going to look at me like I'm crazy. He doesn't "write" things. It's just not his forte so he avoids it. Oh, sex. It's such a charged topic. In all aspects. If I had it figured out, I'd tell you. But one thing I have seen in my own relationship (this coming from what my husband has told me) is that the longer he has gone with his addiction under control, the less urges and temptation he has. At least for now. There is hope. AND he mentioned the other day that it seemed like MY sex drive had gone up. I hadn't even noticed. But there's a correlation there that I think speaks very loudly. The less we feel like "hookers", the more we want to have sex. Interesting...
ReplyDeleteFrom a guys point of view, Women need a reason to have sex men just need a place. I've learned that everything needs to be in order for my wife to be in the mood. Dishes done, house clean, kids in bed or not going to walk in... I try to make sure everything is taken care of in order for her to concentrate on me. Maybe thats why we only do it once or twice a month. We're old.
ReplyDeletefunny "have the ingredients" so true I have flat out said I need this and this for you to "get some" and it has worked pretty well for he last few weeks he is really stepping up. I think it is good that you are telling him just what you feel and not making him guess. At some point he will start getting it. (;
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I really like a book called, "His Needs, Her Needs" I ran and grabbed it just now to remind myself of a few great ideas. The main premise is that men and women experience arousal in VERY different ways. To quote the author, "Most men can become aroused in a variety of ways, but the hands-down favorite is by visual means. Arousal in itself doesn't mean that much to a man: It may occur relatively effortlessly, and he sometimes experiences it whether or not he wants to."
ReplyDeleteNow for the female perspective, "For the average woman, getting aroused is more a matter of mind-set than the result of any stimulation, visual or otherwise. A woman can choose whether or not she wants to experience arousal, depending on her emotional attachment to a particular man." This next part I love because I have experienced it (!) "Once a woman decides to be aroused, she's ready to receive and respond to appropriate tactile stimulation...the very same stimulation, given to an unreceptive woman, becomes a source of great irritation."
It helped our intimacy a lot when we learned the opposite perspective. He knows that for me arousal is a choice, I can't "get there" as quick as he can. He also has learned that long conversations and feeling cared for are my big turn-ons. It's so hard to block the awful images of what "he might be thinking" out my head at times, but I trust that sex is one of our best ways to come together as a couple.
I think to require safe sexual distance after relapse is healthy, normal, important, etc.
ReplyDeleteBut what if you gave him one night a week without qualifying it? Do your own homework, gather your own ingredients(you know, psyching yourself up for it, indulging romantic thoughts of him, shaving your legs, maybe some Gentile underwear...) Let him be free to love on you, his style. Of course he will still be nice, that should come naturally. But then relinquish all other conditions. It might feel liberating. Or it might not go well at all. But it's worth a try.
gentile underwear. I love you Jane. Are you gonna have to start charging for this kind of therapy? Cuz......
DeleteThis is such a hard thing to figure out. So often we're left feeling used and wondering if we'll ever have a pulse again. Mr. Scabs and I are reading this book about rebuilding a sexual relationship after addiction. So far, so good.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQwStk_Beik
It' is great! It breaks everything down, validates our feelings and needs, takes sex at the right pace...good read.
And did I just see Jane write "gentile underwear"...i'm dying that is so so funny!!!
I absolutely love your analogy ! Maybe the men in our lives may not get it, but I am pretty sure most women get this ! I am hoping that somehow the lines of communication will open up between my husband & I so we can talk about this. I want to give him what he needs - I want to show him that affection, but I need to not feel like I am not here just to service his needs - but that it is a mutual expression of love, affection, and intimacy.
ReplyDelete