On a recent post a commenter mentioned something about being a strong pioneer woman and killing her own buffalo and dragging her own handcard "across the plains" and hoping the man decides to help instead of hinder that journey.
I've been told no less than10,000 times that I need to focus on ME and MY recovery and MY life and make sure that I'M doing what I need to do to honor MY covenants and commitments.
Never before has it sounded like that. It's always sounded like one of those "you can't help someone else if you don't help yourself" statements about the oxygen things on an airplane. Or worse "get out of his business becuase you're not helpful to him anyway."
But "kill your own buffalo" shows me very clearly and simply that I am responsible for my own salvation and life.
I've been very good at playing the victim because I've never done anything wrong in my whole life! (OK that's not true, obviously...so please sense the sarcasm.) and Husband came out of nowhere and blindsided me with this horribly ugly disgusting thing in OUR life together. And it's all his fault! (Do I sound like a whiny 12 year old girl? Did you hear the sound of the door slamming? Becuase that's what I was going for...)
I have 2 children who I want to raise in a home full of the spirit. It's my job to make it so.
I have a calling, a job, a life to live regardless of what he's doing - or even if he exists.
I have a realtionship with my Heavenly Father to work on.
I have scriptures to study.
And if he chooses to join me, FABULOUS! But if he doesn't I still want those things in my life.
So I loaded up the kids and did a bunch of jobs I'd typically wait for Husband to do yesterday. I bought wood at Lowe's, tossed it in my little 4 door mom-car with it hanging out the windows, over the carseats and got it done.
I took both kids with me to the hardware store, the grocery store and for haircuts without even mentioning it to Husband.
I didn't ask for his help in hauling the heavy groceries up the stairs.
I didn't ask for his help moving the cars around.
I didn't ask him to start family scriptures.
I didn't care that he skipped out on prayers.
I didn't ask his permission to leave after the kids were in bed.
I simply saw that things needed to be done and stopped expecting him to get off his butt and do them.
Know what? I like killing buffalo.
Go girl! Careful not to burn out, though, doing this day after day after day. (Take it for someone who knows.) Remember you are a person too! For sanity's sake, there has to be something left (at least a piece of you) at the end of the day.
ReplyDelete:) True that! Part of me killing my own buffalo means I have to make sure I'm taking care of me so I can kill tomorrow too.
DeleteYES YES and YES! This is what I'm talking about! WOO HOO! I had chills running down my whole body A!
ReplyDeleteKilling buffalo is great isn't it? You are providing for you! Like Angel said, it is most important that you also give that incredibly strong pioneer woman a break here and there too... a massage... a pedi... a few hours away if you can... just so you can rejuvenate and be ready to do it again tomorrow... because you still have to make that arduous journey across the plains... regardless if your pooped out of your living mind, you have to keep going!
I am so glad this helped you because when I was in the thick of it and my shrink told me this, it was as if he had hit me over the head with a frying pan! It makes SO MUCH SENSE!
YES! Way to go girl!
:D and THIS is why we blog. Thank YOU for sharing!
DeleteNice inventory!
ReplyDeleteI'm no scriptorian but the scripture that reads something like...if you bring but one soul unto me how great shall be your joy...has new meaning for me. I never realized that one soul was me.
I have chills. Why have I never read it that way before? I'm the one who is struggling. Both in my life and with my testimony. Duh.
Delete:D I love those moments of realization.
DeleteDING! THANK YOU! I think I just had one of those moments of clarity. or frying pan head bashing (; Maybe I have been looking at this all wrong. I have always understood that it is my responsibility to live to the covenants I have made. But living everyday feeling sorry for myself wishing things were different being Sad all the time. Working on myself to be the "example" for what he should be doing, is getting old. I want to be the best ME, Mother, Sister, Daughter, Friend and even Wife I can be. It doesn't depend on what any one else does.
ReplyDeleteI am going to write and note to myself and carry it in my wallet,
"KILL YOUR OWN DAMN BUFFALO" I might leave the damn out (;
:D Kill your own damn buffalo sounds like a great motto to me! I wanna put it on my wall!
Delete"Welcome guests - kill your own damn buffalo."
Loved this. Ditto to what Angel said. It can get exhausting. And to GreenOlives' "Kill your own damn buffalo," I might start saying this in reference to my husband (not to him, but in reference to him) when I feel the need to manage his life for him. I'll kill my buffalo and let him kill his own damn buffalo. He just as capable as I. Why would I need to drag two buffalo?? (Did that make sense?)
ReplyDeleteTotally makes sense. One woman only needs one buffalo. :D And really you can't kill his buffalo for him anyway, so let him do it.
Deletedrag two buffalo, that cracks me up. I showed my little wallet sign to me sister today (she also is going through many trials in her own life different but still just as hard) She laughed and knew just what it meant.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing! I keep thinking I wish I'd found you and jacy a few years ago - but I think it's ok that the time is NOW not then. Thankyou so much for sharing what you are doing to move on and stop waiting for him. I had that impression years ago - but after listening to talks and people I felt imense guilt at taking away his priesthood responsibilities. But at that time I didn't know what he was doing without telling me.
ReplyDeleteI haven't expected anything from my husband in a long time and it has been great as my Savior has really helped me through it. But lately I am in the stage, as a poster says, "I know a woman can do everything herself, but a real man won't let her."
ReplyDelete