When I get surrounded by WoPAs I feel woefully inadequate. I haven't read or studied enough. I haven't experienced enough pain. I don't know what it's like to have my spouse actually sleep with someone else. I don't even think I've ever been lied to about it. Sometimes the truth is a bit delayed, but it always comes out without prompting from me.
Don't get me wrong, I feel betrayed, embarrassed and cheated. My life is not what I had planned and through no fault of my own I sit by myself at temple sealings for family members trying to offer a good reason that Husband isn't there. I feel like our relationship is lies. I feel pressure to do (or not do) things that he has seen. I feel judged and compared and inadequate.
But I've never known anyone as willing to pile the confessions on like Husband. He can't handle the guilt, so he drops it all in my lap telling me what happened and why and how it's never going to happen again.
At least I think that's the case.
I always chase that "he's always told me" statement with a quick "as far as I know" because I don't want to appear naive. I want other WoPAs to know that I know I might be stupid or blind or simply unwilling to look hard. I know he might be lying. I know there might be more. I know that I don't know anything.
But the truth is I believe him. One time I found something he hadn't told me about and approached him. He backtracked and gave me at least 9 excuses in 30 seconds, like bullets from a gun.
"It wasn't me."
"I was just looking at something for school."
"Somebody else must have clicked on that."
"It popped up out of nowhere and I closed it right away."
"I just had a moment of weakness, but I got control and nothing happened.:
"I don't know how it got there."
He is a super-crappy liar. I like to think it's because he's had so little practice, but for all I know, that's a big lie too right? Maybe he's a super-fantastic liar who is so good at lying he pretends to be crappy. Lulling me into a false sense of security. It's all part of his master plan.
I found some comfort in the fact that a fellow WoPA had a rediculously honest husband too. I felt like I wasn't merrited in calling Husband's problem and addiction if he hadn't lied. And at the same time I felt like he probably was lying and I was just blind to it because I'm stupid. I can't stand to be the only one experiencing it the way I am. It makes me feel lonely and foolish and lost.
So I'm wondering, is it all a lie? Or is he in fact insanely stupidly honest? Is it even possible?
Some times we will just never know.
ReplyDeleteI think we all will always wonder. I know I question my husbands honesty. My husband doesn't usually straight up lie. but he is very good at keeping secrets. So then I really feel like a fool when it comes out. how could I have not known? Duh... Anyway so glad you found someone that you can relate too at your meeting. And we have to remember that Satan want's us to feel Lonely, foolish, and lost. because cause when we feel that we don't feel hope. And Jesus Christ is the HOPE. easier said than done I know.
Innocent until proven guilty. You still have the final string of trust so just cling to that. I think if your gut tells you he is being honest, he is. And then Satan tries to get in your head and make you think otherwise.
ReplyDeleteThis line made me feel sad: "I can't stand to be the only one experiencing it the way I am." I feel that way every day! So even though I don't feel your situation exactly, or you feel mine, I love you so much! And we are all getting through this together!
This made me feel so badly. Pete was just like that, dumping everything on me. Then one day he was tired of doing that to me. He felt like he let himself off the hook too easily by just confessing to me. So without informing me of his plan he started taking his issues to his dad instead. While I believe not all lies are created equal, there was some definite collateral damage to his plan, a tragic loss of trust. But ultimately no addict is the same and. I recovery is the same but none of us are alone.
ReplyDeleteI was talking about this a bit with my husband the other day -- how each person struggling with this is SO unique, and if we try and paint everyone with the same brush, we wouldn't be taking in to consideration how many different people are dealing with this in different ways. My husband has always lied about it, but he doesn't masturbate with it (since marriage, he did before marriage, and a couple times while married, but the vast majority of the time, it isn't involved in his porn use.) I sometimes feel stupid believing it, 'cause everyone says how there's no way a porn addict isn't masturbating -- but I do believe him, my Bishop believes him, and even when I haven't believed anything else he's telling me, this has always rang true. Well, usually. Until I start psyching myself out and wondering how he could be so 'rare'. But, the fact of the matter is each man dealing with this is unique -- my take on it is trust him until he gives you reason not to, or God tells you to do otherwise.
ReplyDelete(My husband has typically been extremely dishonest about things until recently in recovery -- and I think about it ALL the time, that I must be an idiot to believe him 'this time'. But I do. I really do believe him. And not because I trust him fully, but because I trust God and my gut, and both are telling me right now that we're good. God will let me know when I need to know otherwise -- and not even necessarily right when I'm first lied to, but when the time is right, God has always let me know.)
So crazy! My husband masturbates WAY more often than he looks at porn. Between our 2 men we've got one SERIOUSLY addicted (all day ebvery day) dude. :)
DeleteDon't worry...me too,as far as feeling inadequate. This is top secret so don't be spreading this around but I didn't know what WoPA meant. Nice, right?
ReplyDeleteAs for the lies, who the hell knows! This addiction runs the gamut of weird unexplained behaviors.
Oh Scabs. I just love you.
DeleteFWIW, I have heard stories of 'ridiculously honest husbands' so I don't think you are alone in that. I love what HX said about every situation being unique.
ReplyDeleteI think only a group of 12-step people would come out of this and not one person saying "you idiot! he's definitely lying!" or "of course he's telling the truth. leave him alone." but EVERYBODY does the uber-supportive "gut talk".
ReplyDeleteHave I told you lately that I love you? All of you? Because seriously.
I also have a husband who has a guilty conscious and tells all. Lies have never been our issue, and I don't doubt his honesty. Having said that, I often wonder, then WHY THE HECK IS THIS STILL GOING ON??? Isn't it secrecy that fuels the fire? We are going on 3+ years of heart to heart confessions and recovery programs. Maybe it just takes a long time. A really long time.
ReplyDeleteAnd fwiw, can I just tell you how inadequate I feel being an admin of a forum of WoPAs? Maybe we should all just sit each other down and say STOP IT with all the insecurity! ;)
ReplyDeleteMarlee,
Just had a thought about this:
" Isn't it secrecy that fuels the fire?"
I can't help but wonder if there is a difference between not being able to hide acting out (telling all) and really being honest in recovery terms about what is REALLY going on inside. I think HX's recent post about the LifeStar homework her hubby was doing is an example. I think sometimes the addiction can stay embedded not because addicts are meaning to be dishonest (and I think a key factor of recovery is honesty in an accountability-with-acting-out sense), but maybe because there is more to honesty. ... It seems in recovery stories that I've heard that a key is to learn also how to be really honest with themselves, with God, and with another person (steps 4 and 5) about what is *really* behind the addiction (and that can take time to distill and unfold...and sometimes takes a few times through the steps, even). And/or they still think they can stop on their own.
Shame/denial can also be another fuel. So I guess I wonder if sometimes the 'brutally honest' ones are not really yet honest with themselves and/or driven more by shame/fear in disclosing -- again, not because they are 'bad' but just maybe because they don't know yet how to get to that kind of honesty and humility that plants the seeds of true recovery. Maybe they are sometimes still trying to 'control' it rather than 'surrender' and let God change them from the inside-out, from the foundation up. Addiction is a symptom, so the solution won't be just about the acting out. They gotta get at the roots.
What do I know? Like HX said, every situation is so different, but your question got me thinking, so I'm thinking out loud.... ;)
just came over to see what you're up to. Hope you're having such a RAD summer that you can't take a moment to blog!
ReplyDeleteBless you April. I feel so disconnected with everything - I never know if that's because I'm busy being happy or avoiding being sad. (or wallowing in sad...let's be honest, that's always an option.)
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