I had the chance to chat with my mom alone for a few hours yesterday which almost never happens. We were talking about how things are going and where I'm finding help. Then she asked "So......do you feel any hope?"
I was glad to easily answer "yes".
I explained to her that while I don't often feel like Husband is really doing what he needs to, I do think he will someday. I do know that it could be worse. I don't feel like I could leave and find someone I love more or someone who doesn't have this problem. The truth is that Husband is a wonderful match for me. He is an incredible human being, and although there are time I want to physically hurt him, there are more times that I know how lucky I am to have him.
So I suppose that's where I am now.
I've wanted to write about how things are now so I can look back in a year and see how things are. (you wanna do it too? do it!) Moving forward? Still getting worse? Feeling happier?
The bad signs:
Husband is currently in the acting out every 5-12 days cycle.
He still thinks it's my fault and if I'd just ______ (usually "blank" is "have sex more" but sometimes it's something else) it wouldn't be a problem.
There are days I still think everything bad is his (and the addiction's) fault and I snap at him. I'm not consistently patient and loving and kind. But I'm trying to be.
The good signs:
He's been stuck in this cycle for a while, so I think he'll probably have a long stretch (3-4 months?) of sobriety ahead of him soon.
He goes to PASG every week.
He always tells me the truth. (As far as I know.) I have never caught him because he has always been upfront about it.
I have found an incredible group of women who support and encourage me. (hopeandhealinglds.com)
I am detaching. Feel sorry and sad for him instead of mad at him when he loses.
We're dating again. Which is more fun than I can even explain.
Here's hoping I remember to check back in a year to see how it's going then. Will I still feel hope? I think so.
I love all the good signs -- for both of you! Love the hope!
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting because I had a conversation like that of sorts in my head because of something my therapist said, but your tangible lists explaining why you feel hope are pretty cool. I do think I'll do it. This also motivates me to finally blog about the conversation I had in my head about HOPE because I am trying - like you - to document where I am so I can look back & hopefully see me moving forward.
ReplyDeleteI have one question for you - do you think you would feel hope if he wasn't seeking recovery?
"We are dating again." LOVE IT! I love all the hope signs. I think in a year, you are going to be so surprised at far you both have come. :)
ReplyDeleteJust like it says on Jacy's blog, we gotta be POSITIVE. :)
ReplyDeleteYou go girl! YOU are an incredible woman who supports and encourages me!
ReplyDeleteI had to laugh at your sentence about sometimes wanting to "physically hurt him." Ah, sweet honesty.
Love you.
~a
Wow. Youre in such a healthy strong place. Way to go! And hoping June next year it will be even better.
ReplyDeleteHope you don't mind ... I have put you on board my time machine. heh heh heh
ReplyDeletehttp://healingatheavensfountain.blogspot.com/2012/06/experiment-time-machine.html
Actually, one of your last sentences, "Here's hoping I remember to check back in a year to see how it's going then," gave me the idea to put the links in! Let me know what you think! And help me spread the word?