I used to keep track of Husband's losses. I'd write them on the calendar and celebrate his successes and remind him when he hit big milestones and mourn with him when he wasn't doing so well. I was trying to be supportive - but (who knew?) codependant!!!!
These days I don't. They are his successes and losses. I'll let him tell me about the milestones and although he tells me when he loses, I don't keep track beyond my 7 day grace period.
That was a big step for me.
Then I stopped letting his idiocy rule my life. I refused to sulk and cry all day and feel worthless. I determined to go on no matter what. Doing my life the way I would do it if he didn't exist.
But I find myself stuffing all the anger and hurt and pretending it doesn't exist. Not dealing with it.
Despite the recent shift in attitude Husband is in another downward spiral losing frequently and losing resolve with each loss. And although I have done my life regardless of him, today I am convinced that's not the way to do it.
It's been about a month since his last stretch of sobriety lasting longer than a week and I'm tired. And I don't want to do it anymore. His losses suck my energy and break my heart.
So this morning when I texted me from work to tell me he (like an idiot) lost at work more than once, I decided I wasn't doing regular life. I didn't clean up after the kids or make nutitious meals, I didn't bother getting dressed or do my regular cleaning, I spent my whole day trying to figure out how the hell I'm supposed to respond.
And I have nothing.
And I feel like a crappy mom because I let my stupid crappy day make me do things I wouldn't normally do.
And I feel like a crappy person because it's been 5 years and I still have no idea how to properly respond when my Husband calls to tell me he's losing.
Things with the two of us have been much better in spite of his lack of success, but today I sortof can't stand the thought of him.
Will somebody please please PLEASE tell me what I am supposed to do when he loses?
I have been thinking about you and want to email you when I get back to civilization. I think I have come a long way in my responses. But I'm learning that it never stops hurting, and I'm not going to respond the same way every time. Maybe I will be patient and forgiving, maybe I'll be angry and frustrated. Maybe I'll be apathetic and put it behind me, maybe I will want to talk about it and cry a bit. For right now I'm just going to take it one day at a time, and I don't ever have to justify my reactions to him or anyone, including myself. That is where I am.
ReplyDeleteI love you Jane.
DeleteJane is right...just one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteTrust in God and he'll help you know how to respond. It suck big time and it's okay to break from routine and let your feelings hang loose for awhile. You don't have to explain it to him or anyone.
Praying for you:)Wish I had the magic answer...still trying to figure it out myself.
Praying that whatever my response, it can be made right....
DeleteSince you're asking I'm going to give an opinion. I'll qualify it by confessing that I only have two months of active recovery. Maybe some book says this is all wrong, but Unless I am giving my wife some very certain signals, by action and speech and feelings, that I am in solid recovery, she would just assume, correctly, that I am not. This prevents a need for all of those awkward, humiliating, crushing regular confessions. My wife seemed to be way happier that way. I know I was.
ReplyDeleteSo you don't tell your wife when you look at porn or masturbate? She just assumes you always are unless she sees X Y Z of recovery behavior?
DeleteYes. My experience is that the recovering addict is working his recovery so hard that it is just plain impossible to miss. You can't get him to shut up about it! The active addict gives you few clues as to how he is doing.
ReplyDeleteNow that I know I am in recovery I have made a personal committment, that if I should slip, I will tell my wife, my sponsor, the bishop and you all within 48 hrs. I'm just not certain that it is desirable or necessary for an active addict (ie someone who is slipping every few days) to continuously report his failures, thus reinforcing his negative self image and depressing his wife.
ReplyDeleteAn interesting take. I always think "at least he's honest with me" and he's TRYING to be in recovery (though I think we both know he's not doing enough) so I wonder....
DeleteI completely agree with Dan..."The active addict gives you few clues as to how he is doing". My husband never really let me know how he was doing, good or bad, when he wasn't in recovery. Now, he CAN'T stop talking about recovery and truthfully I don't want him to. He is teaching me so much. There is an obvious difference between him in true recovery and all the times when he "thought" he was.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts and prayers are with you. I know it hurts something awful to know that he falls over and over again. Trust in the Lord and allow Him to guide you in how to deal with with your husband's struggles.
*hugs*
Waiting for my husband to not shut up about it. :) That will be a beautiful day! Until then... *sigh* :D
DeleteAgain, I'm no expert, and before I share any more I want to say how AWESOME you are, Buffalo Gal, for being so patient and loving with your husband, and for sharing the most painful part of your life with us. My wife has not ever been involved in the S Anon or 12 step for codependents program. We just tried different stuff and sort of stuck with things that didn't hurt as much. Did that help lead me to recovery? I have no idea. But over the past 2 years I have watched her detach from trying to solve my problem. She hit upon that solution to her misery all on her own. It reduced the stress in our home if nothing else. How does one do that when one DOES care SO much? I'm not sure. Step one, I guess. But Buffalo Gal, whatever you do, or try or whatever, It's completely good! I only want to support you!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your insight. I figure we are where we are and we're doing what we think we can right now - but it's always helpful to have more insight.
DeleteBuffalo Gal. How I love you! I wish I could wrap my arms around you right now. Honey, go on with life. You rock like that. Killing your own buffalo--that's your specialty. But don't bottle. You said "But I find myself stuffing all the anger and hurt and pretending it doesn't exist. Not dealing with it." That is the part that doesn't work. Find an outlet. Write. Journal. Vent. Use the forum. Get it out. You don't have to be codependent about it. Blow him off for a bit and treat your feelings as just that: YOUR feelings. Own them. Deal with them independently of him. You're allowed!
ReplyDeleteAnd P.S. It is TOTALLY okay to be in survival mode. WHENEVER you want. It doesn't make you a bad mother or a bad wife or a bad person. It makes you human.
I love you. So so so much.
~a
I love you. THANK you! Today is much better (as it often is).
DeleteI really admire you, and have drawn a lot of strength from your posts. I am praying for you tonight. I am praying that your heart will open to hear whatever God wants you to do right now in this minute, and then the next minute and the next. He will guide you if you open your heart to him. He will. Trust him, he loves you and wants what's best for you. I pray you can feel peace for at least a few minutes tonight, and hopefully longer :) sleep well my friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you Letsy. The best thing about this forum is support like this. Thank you for your prayers and your encouragement!
DeleteThis is so interesting to me (as are the comments) because my husband has never really been honest with me. I have sometimes told myself, "Well, if he is honest with me, maybe I'll be so happy to not deal with the lies anymore that I won't care. Maybe it will be easier." Ummmm...clearly not. I'm no expert, but I really like what Angel said. I hope you are doing better today.
ReplyDeleteHusband has always been honest and up front with me about it. (I think.) I've never been suspicious or gone looking for anything and I've only "caught him" once or twice before he told me. It's a blessing and a curse. Husband's problem isn't so much with lying, it's with other things. So for you, I'm sure that a dose of honesty amid the constant lies WOULD be refreshing! Something to strive for!
DeleteDang, this does suck. Is your husband doing ANYTHING for recovery?? I think back on my last relationship what my girlfriend would do. She would tell me clearly and honestly how it hurts. How it makes her feel. Ah, this is hard b/c women do NOT like hurting people, even discussing THEIR hurts. But he needs to hear it! maybe you already tell him. And he needs to throw himself into recovery!! The whole bit of it. Dang, i feel for you. I found this awesome picture of a guy shooting a buffalo that I wish i could somehow post. I love your title (and I am not even into guns or hunting)
ReplyDeleteI wanted to share my place.... For me I hit a point where I decided to get on with my life, I find that when I am hurt by something someone does I eventually- naturally withdrawn from their presence (unless I am being codependent, currently I am reading codependent no more :) and I am going to God and finding that he supports me in my natural seperation from my Husband. But to do that I had to also hit a place where I would be ok if he slipped, fell, slip and never came back - and ultimately our marraige ends.... I am still praying for you, and I am loving all the comments on this posts.
ReplyDelete