On My Own

Husband's new job has him working just a few LOOONG days each week. He leaves before the kids wake up and comes home after they're in bed again. Typically he doesn't work many of those kinds of days in a row (though he'd like to) but every now and then we hit a long stretch.

4 days on, 1 day off, 2 days on, a few more days off.

If I'm telling the truth I was terrified of this schedule. Something about being the ONLY adult responsible for EVERY part of my kids' day was overwhelming to me. I hated the thought that they'd go days without seeing him and I worry about what the long days will do to Husband.

But during this last stretch of 4 days on, I have so thoroughly enjoyed the time.

I'm a teeny tiny bit (read: extraordinarily) uptight about the way things are done. I spend plenty of time reading and thinking and planning the way I do things. So, when I do them that way, it's for a reason. I'm learning that this makes me hard to live with. (Dang! I'm the one who's hard to live with!!!)

So having 4 days to myself, to do all the things I care about and none of the things I don't was heavenly. We did everything on schedule and on time. We slowed down when we (I) were in no hurry and sped up when we (I) were. I spent all kinds of time on the floor with my littles blowing stuff up and tipping over towers and racing cars. I read books during the quiet time. I made dinner and cleaned it up while listening to things that interest me.

I fasted on Sunday for the first time in at least a year (maybe 2?!?!), I sat in Sacrament Meeting alone with my boys feeling nothing but peace about my life. Day 4 on my own and I was feeling insanely strong and capable and blissful. Don't get my wrong, I was wrestling two tiny bored tired hungry boys for 3 hours, it was exhausting and definitely NOT smooth...just blissful.

Is this the way my life will be? I wondered? Is this my chance to see that I can do it on my own? That if necessary I don't need to be afraid of separation? I don't have to stay married because I'm not capable of being a single mom? I get to choose to be married because I want to?

Things are currently going great marriage-wise at the Buffalo Home, but I haven't felt so confident in the "whatever happens happens" option for a long time. Leaving isn't even an option right now. But more comfortingly, it doesn't need to be.

It was nice to have that moment on Sunday. The feeling that I can do whatever I need to do now or in the future. Knowing that I am a good mom without Husband and that I am capable. The overwhelming feeling that my offering is good enough spoke peace to my soul in a way I haven't felt in a long time.

Now the trick is being a good mom when he's around too. Having him around throws off my groove and I need to work (hard!) on being OK with that. I've got to find the balance of being capable on my own and not crowding him out of my life.