One of the things Dusty talked about was reprogramming our brains to do what we want them to do. It isn't a new concept, but when Husband asked how you do that, and more specifically WHAT you reprogram your brain to do (Husband is scared the shink will tell him he has to run. He hates running.) Dusty told him to think about what it's for.
If the crap ads on the bottom of your yahoo account trigger you, think about what yahoo mail is for. And re evaluate the way you use it based on what it is for.
If seeing an attractive woman is a trigger for you, think about what a woman is for.
If showering is a trigger for you, think about what a shower is for.
Once you've decided what it's for, you can recreate the way you interact with those things. Create new patterns and habits, yadda yadda.
Again, nothing new. Except for the earth shattering question: What is it for?
Now I'm thinking about my triggers. Starting with the one that makes me lose control faster than any other.
Confession.
When Husband tells me he masturbated or looked at porn, what is that for?
I have a few things come to mind immediately, but I'm curious and hoping for more insight. What do you think that's for?
I like this a lot. And maybe where it's less obvious, it might be helpful to me to point out what its not for. (In the beginning.)
ReplyDeleteSo- confession is for
-improved communication
-transparency in recovery
When I think about my compulsive eating habits I think
Food is for
-sustaining life
-enhancing our quality of life
NOT for
-passing time
-coping with emotions
Good stuff. Thanks for sharing!
I like what Jane said.
ReplyDeleteI've never experienced a true disclosure, only discovery. In addition to what Jane said, an honest disclosure from my husband would be for ->
-rebuilding and maintaining trust
-working on honesty with not only me, but himself
-accountability (though not ideal for it to JUST be the spouse in my mind)
In a general way, I believe that confession is a sign of repentance, when un-forced. It may be that a pressured confession holds some benefit as well, but not as a sign of repentance. I suppose that it does force some humility (or humiliation?). Whether that is good or bad is unclear in my mind. My two cents worth. But a GREAT question!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jane...
ReplyDeleteI like this question--"What it is for" It can apply to SO many things in our lives. I need to start looking at the things I do and ask myself that question.
Thanks for sharing!
Will you send me your email, i can't seem to find it in my address book
ReplyDeleteeatmyscab@gmail.com
Thanks!
I agree as well:) I am going to think on this...thanks for the insights!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing a new way to analyze the hard stuff.
ReplyDeleteFantastic post. I really really like this question “what is if for” That changes the perspective on everything. I may blog on this.
ReplyDeletePhyscial attraction:
Brings a man and woman closer, leads to a lot of happiness if built on commitment, trust, and love
Not used for: feeding our lusts, taking from others to satiate our ‘fix’
Trials:
Brings us closer to God, learning opportunities, strengthens a relationship we two struggle together
Not used for: “God is punishing me and hates me” “I most be evil and bad” “The world is after me!”
I like what Jane said about food. Food is perfectly normal….but used in those ways, it is harmful.
So many ‘good’ things too become skewed; food, even sex it seems. It all becomes things that we resent and despise. But they are natural and good things.
I love this!! Man - I'm chewing on it... hmm... when you ask what is viewing and acting out for... the first thought that comes to my mind is "numbing"... that's what it was for me.
ReplyDeleteI can't speak for everyone.
And for the ads that trigger at the bottom of yahoo mail... kill yahoo. If there is a trigger and it can be avoided, avoid it!
Showering - we can't avoid... or, we can, but then we will end up being the ones avoided haha... So I'd set a timer... and at times, I'd make my shower cold.. so it wasn't comfortable. I'd get out fast.
Just my thoughts... Love this concept though. Thanks!
i love this too! a lot. great way of thinking about it!
ReplyDeletenot always easy to do in the heat of the moment, but what great self control it would be to stop and remind ourselves the point of the things we do (and they do) and take a broader perspective.
i feel like i recently learned this (and blogged about), i took a step back from worrying about something in particular (about him fantasizing) and asked myself, "what is this doing for me and for him?" when i could say that absolutely nothing positive was coming from it, i knew i had to change my behavior and way of thinking.
tough, but powerful stuff!
keep on keepin on!
love