pendulating progress

Therapist used a word today that I just really love even though I'm certain I don't understand it yet in the clinical way he means it. But we were about to talk through some really tough stuff and he wanted to make sure before we dove in that I was ready and that I had a safe place to retreat. 

So, we talked through the ways we create a safe place to return after doing something hard/scary. 

"You want to be able to picture a serene and calming place in your mind. Visualize it very clearly and easily. Make sure it's comfortable and inviting." I nodded almost immediately. There are a few happy places in my mind I could recall quickly and easily. Because the truth is this is a beautiful world filled with happy places.

 

"An important skill is to breath and calm your body. Notice your heart rate. Be able to sooth and calm it afterward." I nodded again, (thank you Sariah for your breathing tracks on the membership area of addorecovery.com, Calm your breath to calm your heart She says. Breath in with your heart beat, then notice the beats of your heart at the top of that breath. Keeping the awareness of your heart, release your breath counting the beats. Calm your breath to calm your heart.) 

 

"It's so helpful to have a few very close friends to whom you can retreat. Someone whose shoulder you can cry on, who can be with you in your experience and who you can count on." The fastest nod yet. I have many of these people, and a few in particular whose shoulders I cry on regularly. 

 

"And a physical place you can go that is safe for you. It might be a park, a holy place, a room in your home. Somewhere that you can connect, calm, sooth, and feel safe." Again! I have so many! I have my zen yoga room in my home, my chair in my bedroom, my backyard, the neighborhood park, a temple (or 5) within a 30 minute drive. 

After running through that checklist we dug in and did all (okay, just some) of the hard things. I didn't notice it until I had retreated to my safe people, done some breathing, writing, thinking and processing that I realized what a beautiful thing it is to have my life set up to support me. I have places to go, people to turn to, and many calming habits and tools I didn't have a year ago. 

A year ago he would have said these same things getting ready to go in and process the hard trauma, and he would have started "picture a place in your mind" and I would have (and probably did) burst into tears and stopped breathing because I couldn't even imagine feeling safe or comfortable and there was no place on earth I wanted to be. Today, we blew past that. And the next 3 ways to create a safe home base. 

And so we rode the pendulum. Into the trauma, noticing it, observing it, feeling it, noticing what it means, and then back out to my safe place. Into the trauma and back to breathing. Into the trauma and back at a distance to notice the effects.

So today I feel relieved and happy about the progress made. Now to master the art of swinging into the trauma and back out. And of course to make that more consistent.

A New Perspective

As always, I'm learning new things about addict relationships.

As always, I'm hoping that these things I'm learning now are the absolute truths that will change our relationship forever. I have high hopes this time, though I'm also certain that I will never ever have it all figured out. 

After my extremely validating WoPA night followed by my anxiety-producing family night there was a bit of a disconnect between Husband and me. Today in therapy we talked about that. And do you know what? I don't have a clue what WoPA night is like for Husband. I know that I typically leave the house as soon as possible because I'm excited to get out and start the party with my people. Then I know that I sneak into bed next to him around 2 or 3am and I know what happens the next day. But I don't have a clue what it's like for him while I go out. I rarely bother to ask because it's eeeeearly in the morning and we both ought to be sleeping. 

I imagine it's hard for him. I know he assumes it's a lot of husband bashing (who wouldn't assume that given the nature of our connection?) and I can't blame him. It isn't, but that doesn't really matter because he probably worries. But I don't know,

Did the kids go to bed nicely? 

Did he wonder what to tell them when they asked where I was? 

In the quiet of the empty house did he wonder what I was saying about him? 

Did he worry that I was getting a lot of "freeze him out" strategies to try? 

Did he feel abandoned? Hurt? Alone?

Did he feel bad for putting me in this circle?
Did he wonder if we'd make it through this together?
Did he think about acting out to deal with that stress?

Did he feel stupid knowing that I was sharing intimate details of our life and his most foolish choices?

I don't know the answers to most of those questions, because they'd never occurred to me before. But I intend to find out what it's like for him.

This is what therapy is doing for me. It's helping me see him, notice him, and care for him - even when I think I have a right not to.

Common Goals and Magic Moments

Over the past 6 weeks Huband and I have experienced a few magic moments.

They've come out of the blue, the same crappy feeling the day before and the day after.
The same fights.
The same concerns.
The same worries and fears and hurts.

Then suddenly, we have a magic moment.
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The first was on a Sunday. We were wrestling (who were being just as rotten as they know how) during church and I returned from the hallways with the whiny-tired-hangry 2-year-old plopping on the pew between us. My 4-year-old brrrrmmmm'd his car right up the little ones' toes and the howling started fresh. As I tried to calm the screamer, Husband caught my eye, smiled and distracted the brrrrrm-er.

There we were, living our regular mess of a life. Nothing was easy or fixed or safe, but it felt that way. We smiled at each other and held hands through the rest of church and that easy feeling of togetherness continued through the day.

This was the first time I felt like myself in longer than I care to admit. Everything was just fun and easy and stress-free. It. Was. Magic.
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The 2nd happened in a similar circumstance. As one child started barfing in the night I buckled down getting emotionally ready for a sleepless night of comforting and cleaning on my own.

But then Husband got himself out of bed to help. He started laundry while I soothed The Barfer, and when the 2nd one lost it, Husband helped with that too. We were up most of the night, running barf bowls back and forth trying to keep the laundry progressing. We comforted and cringed together. Again he caught my eye and we felt the magic.
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So I asked my Shrink why.

I didn't wake up that morning and decide to be a better wife or to make special effort or to "increase intimate interactions". I didn't even decide to be especially kind or forgiving to him that day. It just happened.

Honestly I think it was a gift from God. I've spend much of the past 6 weeks wondering whether there is anything worth fighting for between us. Or if I'm foolishly holding on for something that will ultimately leave both of us disappointed.

After a conversation with Shrink that offered me almost zero answers, I think I finally get what he was saying. Those moments were about common goals. Something we seriously lack otherwise.

He suggests that setting goals together matters. And is in fact essential to success as a couple.

This idea has been rolling around in my brain for a few weeks, but I've been hesitant to even discuss it with Husband because it requires way too much vulnerability for me.

I don't trust him to be careful or considerate of my ideas of what we'd like.
I don't trust him to come up with good ideas of his own. (Because "more sex" is not a worthy goal in my mind.)
I don't trust him to work toward our common goals with me.
I don't trust him to stop letting me down.

But that's going to have to change. I'm going to have a(nother) hard conversation and see where we stand. Perhaps we are working for more of the same things than I think.

Like:

• raising happy healthy children
• being financially stable
• enjoying each other and having a strong relationship
• living in a world where we spend more money on groceries than therapy

So I'm curious, what are your common goals? With your husband? Your kid? Your family? Do you have them? Are the written or just understood? Have you done this?

A Bottle of Water and a Footstool

At the ripe old age of 20-something I think I've seen my fair share (6) of therapists in my life. I also had the opportunity to work closely with a bunch that I wasn't seeing and I know that like any group of people they are all different.

So if you see someone and don't love it, that doesn't mean that therapy isn't for you.

Even knowing that I've seen therapists without making a lot of progress for long periods of time and now that I'm seeing someone who I really truly love I see even more how much it matters.

In previous therapists offices (who were fabulous people) I'd worry about where to sit, and what to do with my bag. I'd cross one leg under myself and sit on one foot until it fell asleep wishing I could rest them both on the table in front of me. I'd bring my own tissues, because what if they don't have any and they make me cry? I'd sniffle and sob until my mouth was so dry I couldn't eek out a coherent thought.

Perhaps it's timing and my own growing capacity to be comfortable on someone else's turf - or perhaps I've finally found the right fit for me.

These days, I walk into the office, and they greet me with a smile. They offer me a cold bottle of water - they are often the only people to offer me anything all week long - and as I rearrange the coasters, the footstool and the tissue box I feel nervously comfortable.

I always let out a deep breath as I set down my purse and silence my phone. I take off my shoes and sink into "my" corner of the couch knowing that it will be an emotional but validating hour resulting in food for thought to last the week.

I am amazed by just how much that bottle of cool water and a footstool make me feel taken care of, comfortable and at home.

I can't tell you enough how important a good therapist is.

pondering raisins and tasting carrots

Mindfulness has been a common thing in my therapy efforts lately. It keeps popping up.

During the Addo Recovery lecture this week Kevin swore he looks at raisins and stands barefoot on the grass and studies trees. While I fully believed him, I equally believed that it simply isn’t possible in my life.  If I zoned out to fully examine and be present with a raisin…..

That’s where my belief that it wasn’t possible ended.

Because the truth is that if I zone out to stare at a raisin for 3 straight minutes nothing would happen. My kids would likely make a mess. They might make noise. It’s possible they’ll break something. But in real life, if the key to not feeling this way is staring at a raisin for 3 minutes, bring it on. Because anything they can do in 3 minutes, I can undo in 5. Which means I’m out exactly 8 minutes of my day.

And if I replaced just one 25 minute show with raisin-staring or tree-watching or grass-feeling (and repairing the damage my zoning might have allowed) I’m in.

So today I didn’t really have time to sit and eat lunch before running out the door to work. So I threw some carrots and an apple in a bowl and planned to eat on my way.

My commute is roughly 10 minutes long. And 10 minutes is significantly more time than it would ordinarily take me to eat carrots and an apple. So I decided to be present with my meal. I chewed the baby carrots like 9,000 times before swallowing. I tasted the difference between the peel and the meat of the apple. I breathed between bites. And it was delicious.

And while I was being all aware (instead of enthralled with the news story on the radio or the people in cars around me) I watched the trees lining the streets. They are beautifully varying shades of green. Some have blossoms. Some have leaves. Some are still waiting for both. I noticed the clouds in the sky….yadda yadda yadda.

The point is this. I was amazed by how easily I could fit this “mindfulness” into my life. I didn’t have to buy a special chair or find my own room. I didn’t have to wake up an hour earlier or find a babysitter. My children weren’t neglected, I arrived at work safely (and on time). I didn’t do anything I wouldn’t normally do anyway. I simply chose to be mentally aware of what I was doing instead of thinking about all of my problems.

And whattya know – it was a nice break from focusing on my problems.

What is it for?

One of the things Dusty talked about was reprogramming our brains to do what we want them to do. It isn't a new concept, but when Husband asked how you do that, and more specifically WHAT you reprogram your brain to do (Husband is scared the shink will tell him he has to run. He hates running.) Dusty told him to think about what it's for.

If the crap ads on the bottom of your yahoo account trigger you, think about what yahoo mail is for. And re evaluate the way you use it based on what it is for.

If seeing an attractive woman is a trigger for you, think about what a woman is for.

If showering is a trigger for you, think about what a shower is for.

Once you've decided what it's for, you can recreate the way you interact with those things. Create new patterns and habits, yadda yadda.

Again, nothing new. Except for the earth shattering question: What is it for?

Now I'm thinking about my triggers. Starting with the one that makes me lose control faster than any other.

Confession.

When Husband tells me he masturbated or looked at porn, what is that for?

I have a few things come to mind immediately, but I'm curious and hoping for more insight. What do you think that's for?