Common Goals and Magic Moments

Over the past 6 weeks Huband and I have experienced a few magic moments.

They've come out of the blue, the same crappy feeling the day before and the day after.
The same fights.
The same concerns.
The same worries and fears and hurts.

Then suddenly, we have a magic moment.
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The first was on a Sunday. We were wrestling (who were being just as rotten as they know how) during church and I returned from the hallways with the whiny-tired-hangry 2-year-old plopping on the pew between us. My 4-year-old brrrrmmmm'd his car right up the little ones' toes and the howling started fresh. As I tried to calm the screamer, Husband caught my eye, smiled and distracted the brrrrrm-er.

There we were, living our regular mess of a life. Nothing was easy or fixed or safe, but it felt that way. We smiled at each other and held hands through the rest of church and that easy feeling of togetherness continued through the day.

This was the first time I felt like myself in longer than I care to admit. Everything was just fun and easy and stress-free. It. Was. Magic.
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The 2nd happened in a similar circumstance. As one child started barfing in the night I buckled down getting emotionally ready for a sleepless night of comforting and cleaning on my own.

But then Husband got himself out of bed to help. He started laundry while I soothed The Barfer, and when the 2nd one lost it, Husband helped with that too. We were up most of the night, running barf bowls back and forth trying to keep the laundry progressing. We comforted and cringed together. Again he caught my eye and we felt the magic.
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So I asked my Shrink why.

I didn't wake up that morning and decide to be a better wife or to make special effort or to "increase intimate interactions". I didn't even decide to be especially kind or forgiving to him that day. It just happened.

Honestly I think it was a gift from God. I've spend much of the past 6 weeks wondering whether there is anything worth fighting for between us. Or if I'm foolishly holding on for something that will ultimately leave both of us disappointed.

After a conversation with Shrink that offered me almost zero answers, I think I finally get what he was saying. Those moments were about common goals. Something we seriously lack otherwise.

He suggests that setting goals together matters. And is in fact essential to success as a couple.

This idea has been rolling around in my brain for a few weeks, but I've been hesitant to even discuss it with Husband because it requires way too much vulnerability for me.

I don't trust him to be careful or considerate of my ideas of what we'd like.
I don't trust him to come up with good ideas of his own. (Because "more sex" is not a worthy goal in my mind.)
I don't trust him to work toward our common goals with me.
I don't trust him to stop letting me down.

But that's going to have to change. I'm going to have a(nother) hard conversation and see where we stand. Perhaps we are working for more of the same things than I think.

Like:

• raising happy healthy children
• being financially stable
• enjoying each other and having a strong relationship
• living in a world where we spend more money on groceries than therapy

So I'm curious, what are your common goals? With your husband? Your kid? Your family? Do you have them? Are the written or just understood? Have you done this?