There I was chanting my don't panic mantra, and Husband was off planning his success.
Husband has 4 younger siblings, all of whom simply adore him. he invited the youngest 3 including a newly returned misisonary, a sister in college and littlest brother (16) to come have a sleepover and play games all night long.
He got a pizza, busted out the Wii and had (willing) babysitters for himself all weekend long.
They came shortly after I left on Friday, and stayed helping with the kids and playing games and enjoying each other's company until Saturday afternoon. He had a harder time doing The Stuff to the full extent with such a full house, but he did at least a shortened version of everything. He made sure to keep all of his own rules and was especially glad for the company until the wee hours of the morning when it would have been so so hard.
Sometimes I'm amazed by his thoughtlessness and seeming stupidity. But other times I regain confidence in his foresight and ability to make good decisions.
What a great weekend victory for him.
*As a side note, I can feel the tension rising. he's on edge, it's been a while, and this is typically when he gets sloppy and stupid. These are the hardest weeks for me because I'm constantly waiting for him to lose. Suggestions on how to avoid pushing him over the edge? I'm open!*
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Don't Panic, don't panic, don't panic
I'm running in a 5k in a city about an hour's drive from my home. Since I'm doing it with a bunch of girls in the ward and since we really like each other, we're turning it into a girls weekend and spending the night away from home.
A (teeny tiny and ever shrinking) part of me is a bit nervous for Husband. But the bigger (and growing) part of me realizes that it's all the same whether I'm here or not. That's part of the addiction. No safeguards will prevent it.
So off I go for a weekend of relaxing and running and having a ball! Chanting to myself all the way.
don't panic, don't panic, don't panic. you got this. he's got this. don't panic.
Because of all the things I am, I am not his babysitter.
A (teeny tiny and ever shrinking) part of me is a bit nervous for Husband. But the bigger (and growing) part of me realizes that it's all the same whether I'm here or not. That's part of the addiction. No safeguards will prevent it.
So off I go for a weekend of relaxing and running and having a ball! Chanting to myself all the way.
don't panic, don't panic, don't panic. you got this. he's got this. don't panic.
Because of all the things I am, I am not his babysitter.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Until My Eyeballs Burn
Sunday night is Addiction Night at my house.
Husbang goes to PASG and I become immersed in the blogs the messages boards and forums. I write and weep and google. All until my eyeballs burn.
I want so desperately for it all to be better. I don't care that I'm running on 4 hours sleep and the house is quiet. I want to learn what I'm supposed to learn, to check in on my dear friends who I love, and to write and think and PRAY.
It's rare that I go to sleep before the burning sets in.
So when Husband comes home and takes one look at my raging red eyes asking if I've been crying I always say yes.
My heart has been weeping for sisters I've never met.
My spirit has been crying out for help! Help me know what to say. What not to say. What to ask. What to read. What to skim. What is worth this time.
And often I have been literally crying. Water from my eyes. Not continually for the hours he's been gone, but I've certainly shed a tear or two while thinking about my life and the lives of those I know.
So yes, I've been reading, and crying, and I'll likely continue to do it every week. Until my eyeballs burn.
Husbang goes to PASG and I become immersed in the blogs the messages boards and forums. I write and weep and google. All until my eyeballs burn.
I want so desperately for it all to be better. I don't care that I'm running on 4 hours sleep and the house is quiet. I want to learn what I'm supposed to learn, to check in on my dear friends who I love, and to write and think and PRAY.
It's rare that I go to sleep before the burning sets in.
So when Husband comes home and takes one look at my raging red eyes asking if I've been crying I always say yes.
My heart has been weeping for sisters I've never met.
My spirit has been crying out for help! Help me know what to say. What not to say. What to ask. What to read. What to skim. What is worth this time.
And often I have been literally crying. Water from my eyes. Not continually for the hours he's been gone, but I've certainly shed a tear or two while thinking about my life and the lives of those I know.
So yes, I've been reading, and crying, and I'll likely continue to do it every week. Until my eyeballs burn.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Marriage Enrichment Night
Marriage Enrichment is a program based here in Utah that I really really love. Every quarter they have a "Date night" where a special guest speaker comes and talks in a pretty small setting about how to strengthen marriages. I just found out that tomorrow's date night is taught by Dr. Mark Chamberlain - a sexual addiction specialist. These nights are always well done and I always come away from them feeling uplifted and ready for what's next.
I know this is really late notice, but if you are available or in the area, please consider coming! Here's the information I just received. Please spread the word to anybody you think could benefit!
Our APRIL 21 Date Night will feature Mark Chamberlain a well known author of several books and a local family counselor.
To be held at 7:30
Foothill 6th Ward -- 2200 East 1500 South
Dr. Chamberlain, Ph.D. is a psychologist specializing in the treatment of sexual issues, addiction, and marriage. He received his Ph.D. from Brigham Young University. Before joining ARCH he worked at Utah Youth Village, McKay-Dee Hospital's drug and alcohol treatment program, and taught psychology at Brigham Young University-Idaho. He has served on the boards of trustees for a domestic violence shelter, the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists, and Evergreen International. Over the last several years he has traveled throughout the United States providing continuing education training for therapists on treating pornography addiction and other sexual problems. Mark is the author or coauthor of several books including Willpower Is Not Enough: Why We Don’t Succeed at Change, Wanting More: The Challenge of Enjoyment in the Age of Addiction, and Confronting Pornography. He and his wife, Jenny, are the parents of seven children.
I know this is really late notice, but if you are available or in the area, please consider coming! Here's the information I just received. Please spread the word to anybody you think could benefit!
Our APRIL 21 Date Night will feature Mark Chamberlain a well known author of several books and a local family counselor.
To be held at 7:30
Foothill 6th Ward -- 2200 East 1500 South
Dr. Chamberlain, Ph.D. is a psychologist specializing in the treatment of sexual issues, addiction, and marriage. He received his Ph.D. from Brigham Young University. Before joining ARCH he worked at Utah Youth Village, McKay-Dee Hospital's drug and alcohol treatment program, and taught psychology at Brigham Young University-Idaho. He has served on the boards of trustees for a domestic violence shelter, the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists, and Evergreen International. Over the last several years he has traveled throughout the United States providing continuing education training for therapists on treating pornography addiction and other sexual problems. Mark is the author or coauthor of several books including Willpower Is Not Enough: Why We Don’t Succeed at Change, Wanting More: The Challenge of Enjoyment in the Age of Addiction, and Confronting Pornography. He and his wife, Jenny, are the parents of seven children.
The Biggest Tiny Victory
I am not a runner. But I sometimes run - only because it's good for me and I like how I feel AFTER the run. But I am slow. And I max out at about 3.5 miles. I run 3-4 times/week, but I am NOT a runner.
The root of Husband's addiction is anxiety. Pretty deep anxiety. And one of the things Therapist has suggested is Husband exercising every day.
Husband adds it to his Stuff list and does the very bare minimum. Walking, pacing, or going up and down our stairs for 15 minutes at a time.
So it was our ward 5K a couple of weeks ago, and I was going to run it, but the day of the race, Husband decided he wanted to come too. So we threw the boys in the jogging stroller and did it together. It was lovely. We chatted, we walked, we ran, we pushed. We had a great time.
And immediately after the race, while still on the running high, Husband casually said "we should do this every other day from now on" and I said "Sure!".
So we've been running together this week. We're starting from ground zero, walking a lot, running a little, and talking the whole time. But it has been great. It gets us outside, enjoying each other, and treating our bodies well all at once.
So the running in itself is a gigantic victory in my mind. The real conversation while we run is huge too.
But yesterday as Husband and I got to the trail where we run we had to choose Left or Right, husband had the Biggest Tiny Victory. I told him these were his runs and he could choose. I didn't care. He picked Left and on we went.
At the end of our run, he said told me why.
"I'm feeling pretty proud of myself." he started.
"Yeah, this was a great run, you did awesome and we went far!" I assumed (like usual) that I knew what he was talking about.
"Yeah, but I picked Left." he corrected me.
........
"I don't know if you noticed, but when we got to the trail, there was a lady running just ahead of us. She was wearing skimpy running clothes and I thought hey....we could run behind her and look at that the whole time! and then chose Left instead. I thought running away from her would have been better. So I picked Left."
He was surprised when I told him that THOSE were the kinds of decisions that made the difference in this addiciton. THAT was winning a battle. I was so proud and he was shocked that I was so happy he told me.
When losing weight, my favorites are the non-scale victories NSVs. Losing a pound or 2 (or 50!) is awesome and feels great. But riding my bike as transportation, or outrunning my kids is WAY better.
This was a non-porn victory (NPV) in my mind. If he can keep these tiny personal private thoughts in his head clean, he won't ever get to the point of sitting in front of his laptop staring at the blinking google search bar. When he has consistent NPVs he won't even have to fight the big battles.
So today we're celebrating the Biggest tiny victory. And praying for more like them.
The root of Husband's addiction is anxiety. Pretty deep anxiety. And one of the things Therapist has suggested is Husband exercising every day.
Husband adds it to his Stuff list and does the very bare minimum. Walking, pacing, or going up and down our stairs for 15 minutes at a time.
So it was our ward 5K a couple of weeks ago, and I was going to run it, but the day of the race, Husband decided he wanted to come too. So we threw the boys in the jogging stroller and did it together. It was lovely. We chatted, we walked, we ran, we pushed. We had a great time.
And immediately after the race, while still on the running high, Husband casually said "we should do this every other day from now on" and I said "Sure!".
So we've been running together this week. We're starting from ground zero, walking a lot, running a little, and talking the whole time. But it has been great. It gets us outside, enjoying each other, and treating our bodies well all at once.
So the running in itself is a gigantic victory in my mind. The real conversation while we run is huge too.
But yesterday as Husband and I got to the trail where we run we had to choose Left or Right, husband had the Biggest Tiny Victory. I told him these were his runs and he could choose. I didn't care. He picked Left and on we went.
At the end of our run, he said told me why.
"I'm feeling pretty proud of myself." he started.
"Yeah, this was a great run, you did awesome and we went far!" I assumed (like usual) that I knew what he was talking about.
"Yeah, but I picked Left." he corrected me.
........
"I don't know if you noticed, but when we got to the trail, there was a lady running just ahead of us. She was wearing skimpy running clothes and I thought hey....we could run behind her and look at that the whole time! and then chose Left instead. I thought running away from her would have been better. So I picked Left."
He was surprised when I told him that THOSE were the kinds of decisions that made the difference in this addiciton. THAT was winning a battle. I was so proud and he was shocked that I was so happy he told me.
When losing weight, my favorites are the non-scale victories NSVs. Losing a pound or 2 (or 50!) is awesome and feels great. But riding my bike as transportation, or outrunning my kids is WAY better.
This was a non-porn victory (NPV) in my mind. If he can keep these tiny personal private thoughts in his head clean, he won't ever get to the point of sitting in front of his laptop staring at the blinking google search bar. When he has consistent NPVs he won't even have to fight the big battles.
So today we're celebrating the Biggest tiny victory. And praying for more like them.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Buffalo Art
After I read GreenOlives' comment on my last post, I wished and wished that someone had made a
"Kill Your Own Buffalo" word art over some beautiful picture of flowers or something. But they hadn't. (Weird, right? Who DOESN'T want this one their wall?)
"Kill Your Own Buffalo" word art over some beautiful picture of flowers or something. But they hadn't. (Weird, right? Who DOESN'T want this one their wall?)
And now I want to rename my blog.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Killing My Own Buffalo
On a recent post a commenter mentioned something about being a strong pioneer woman and killing her own buffalo and dragging her own handcard "across the plains" and hoping the man decides to help instead of hinder that journey.
I've been told no less than10,000 times that I need to focus on ME and MY recovery and MY life and make sure that I'M doing what I need to do to honor MY covenants and commitments.
Never before has it sounded like that. It's always sounded like one of those "you can't help someone else if you don't help yourself" statements about the oxygen things on an airplane. Or worse "get out of his business becuase you're not helpful to him anyway."
But "kill your own buffalo" shows me very clearly and simply that I am responsible for my own salvation and life.
I've been very good at playing the victim because I've never done anything wrong in my whole life! (OK that's not true, obviously...so please sense the sarcasm.) and Husband came out of nowhere and blindsided me with this horribly ugly disgusting thing in OUR life together. And it's all his fault! (Do I sound like a whiny 12 year old girl? Did you hear the sound of the door slamming? Becuase that's what I was going for...)
I have 2 children who I want to raise in a home full of the spirit. It's my job to make it so.
I have a calling, a job, a life to live regardless of what he's doing - or even if he exists.
I have a realtionship with my Heavenly Father to work on.
I have scriptures to study.
And if he chooses to join me, FABULOUS! But if he doesn't I still want those things in my life.
So I loaded up the kids and did a bunch of jobs I'd typically wait for Husband to do yesterday. I bought wood at Lowe's, tossed it in my little 4 door mom-car with it hanging out the windows, over the carseats and got it done.
I took both kids with me to the hardware store, the grocery store and for haircuts without even mentioning it to Husband.
I didn't ask for his help in hauling the heavy groceries up the stairs.
I didn't ask for his help moving the cars around.
I didn't ask him to start family scriptures.
I didn't care that he skipped out on prayers.
I didn't ask his permission to leave after the kids were in bed.
I simply saw that things needed to be done and stopped expecting him to get off his butt and do them.
Know what? I like killing buffalo.
I've been told no less than10,000 times that I need to focus on ME and MY recovery and MY life and make sure that I'M doing what I need to do to honor MY covenants and commitments.
Never before has it sounded like that. It's always sounded like one of those "you can't help someone else if you don't help yourself" statements about the oxygen things on an airplane. Or worse "get out of his business becuase you're not helpful to him anyway."
But "kill your own buffalo" shows me very clearly and simply that I am responsible for my own salvation and life.
I've been very good at playing the victim because I've never done anything wrong in my whole life! (OK that's not true, obviously...so please sense the sarcasm.) and Husband came out of nowhere and blindsided me with this horribly ugly disgusting thing in OUR life together. And it's all his fault! (Do I sound like a whiny 12 year old girl? Did you hear the sound of the door slamming? Becuase that's what I was going for...)
I have 2 children who I want to raise in a home full of the spirit. It's my job to make it so.
I have a calling, a job, a life to live regardless of what he's doing - or even if he exists.
I have a realtionship with my Heavenly Father to work on.
I have scriptures to study.
And if he chooses to join me, FABULOUS! But if he doesn't I still want those things in my life.
So I loaded up the kids and did a bunch of jobs I'd typically wait for Husband to do yesterday. I bought wood at Lowe's, tossed it in my little 4 door mom-car with it hanging out the windows, over the carseats and got it done.
I took both kids with me to the hardware store, the grocery store and for haircuts without even mentioning it to Husband.
I didn't ask for his help in hauling the heavy groceries up the stairs.
I didn't ask for his help moving the cars around.
I didn't ask him to start family scriptures.
I didn't care that he skipped out on prayers.
I didn't ask his permission to leave after the kids were in bed.
I simply saw that things needed to be done and stopped expecting him to get off his butt and do them.
Know what? I like killing buffalo.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
A Lame Attempt
Sometimes I know exactly what I want to write, and other times I just know that I want to write.
Today it is the latter, so I apologize in advance for my scattered thoughts.
I would say that Husband and I have been doing well, our relationship progressing and our life running as smoothly as it can given our current circumstances.
But every now and then he says something that just screams "HE'S AN ADDICT!!! RUN THE OTHER WAY!!!!" in my face and I find myself wondering what on earth I'm doing here. How did I let my life become this way?
I suppose the small victory I am celebrating is that when this happens I don't buy into it. I don't feel guilty or let him talk me into being at fault. I don't let his flawed (addict) logic win and I refuse to feel guilty about that. I'm comfortable letting the (obvious) desired response go unsaid because it simply isn't true.
Tonight over dinner Husband told me he thought I was beautiful. It sounded sweet and meaningful, but given some of his behaviors over the last few days I was suspicious about what he meant. So I asked. "What do you mean when you say that?"
After a bit of prodding he said "I saw you getting out of the shower today and I keep thinking about being naked and getting turned on. I'm horny, I want sex, I want relief and I know that the only way I'll get it from you is if I talk to you and tell you what you want to hear."
I didn't respond at all. Again, the tiny victory that you have to be looking for is his honesty.
He made a few attempts at conversation as we got the boys ready for bed. "So....did you like church today?" and "Did you rotate your car tires?" were the best of the bad.
I called him out, explaining that I feel like he's trying to manipulate me so he can get what he wants: sex. Always sex. The only motivation he can seem to find in life.
I suppose I technically appreciate that he's attempting to meet my needs (conversation, connection that isn't physical, etc.) before he starts in on the regular "hook a brother up" requests. But it's just SO FAR from anything real, it's so full of "I'll do anything to get some" mentality and I just can't stand to let it be that way.
I want something that is naturally real instead of forced and calculated and contrived. Is this (settling for a lame attempt instead of the real thing) part of faking it till you make it? Or is this as idiotic as it seems (to me)?
Today it is the latter, so I apologize in advance for my scattered thoughts.
I would say that Husband and I have been doing well, our relationship progressing and our life running as smoothly as it can given our current circumstances.
But every now and then he says something that just screams "HE'S AN ADDICT!!! RUN THE OTHER WAY!!!!" in my face and I find myself wondering what on earth I'm doing here. How did I let my life become this way?
I suppose the small victory I am celebrating is that when this happens I don't buy into it. I don't feel guilty or let him talk me into being at fault. I don't let his flawed (addict) logic win and I refuse to feel guilty about that. I'm comfortable letting the (obvious) desired response go unsaid because it simply isn't true.
Tonight over dinner Husband told me he thought I was beautiful. It sounded sweet and meaningful, but given some of his behaviors over the last few days I was suspicious about what he meant. So I asked. "What do you mean when you say that?"
After a bit of prodding he said "I saw you getting out of the shower today and I keep thinking about being naked and getting turned on. I'm horny, I want sex, I want relief and I know that the only way I'll get it from you is if I talk to you and tell you what you want to hear."
I didn't respond at all. Again, the tiny victory that you have to be looking for is his honesty.
He made a few attempts at conversation as we got the boys ready for bed. "So....did you like church today?" and "Did you rotate your car tires?" were the best of the bad.
I called him out, explaining that I feel like he's trying to manipulate me so he can get what he wants: sex. Always sex. The only motivation he can seem to find in life.
I suppose I technically appreciate that he's attempting to meet my needs (conversation, connection that isn't physical, etc.) before he starts in on the regular "hook a brother up" requests. But it's just SO FAR from anything real, it's so full of "I'll do anything to get some" mentality and I just can't stand to let it be that way.
I want something that is naturally real instead of forced and calculated and contrived. Is this (settling for a lame attempt instead of the real thing) part of faking it till you make it? Or is this as idiotic as it seems (to me)?
Friday, April 6, 2012
Better or Worse
I have such a hard time telling where we are in this recovery process.
There are days that I just can't believe how far we've come. I'm so relieved that we are doing so well, that Husband is doing The Stuff or paying the consequences every day. I can't believe the things we've beaten and I have a lot of tiny victories to celebrate every day. Days that I feel like we're going to make it. There will be a day that this isn't our constant focus.
But Husband eased into this addiction.
Slowly.
Painfully.
He has always been honest (I think) about what has happened and he never bothered to hide it. He'd lose and tell me how sorry he was and how it wasn't going to happen again.
Then he'd lose again, talk to the bishop, work it out, spill his guts, be real sorry and do great. Until he didn't. And when he lost again we'd repeat the cycle.
Masturbation is historically the stronger addiciton for him. Pornography is "just" an occasional problem.
But over the past year I feel like the Pornography has gotten worse. What started as a glance at a questionable magazine in the grocery store has turned into google searches that make me cringe.
There are things that encourage me, but when he loses and I know it's worse than it has ever been, I wonder all over again if we're getting better or getting worse.
How do you know when it's getting better? How do you know when it's time to quit?
There are days that I just can't believe how far we've come. I'm so relieved that we are doing so well, that Husband is doing The Stuff or paying the consequences every day. I can't believe the things we've beaten and I have a lot of tiny victories to celebrate every day. Days that I feel like we're going to make it. There will be a day that this isn't our constant focus.
But Husband eased into this addiction.
Slowly.
Painfully.
He has always been honest (I think) about what has happened and he never bothered to hide it. He'd lose and tell me how sorry he was and how it wasn't going to happen again.
Then he'd lose again, talk to the bishop, work it out, spill his guts, be real sorry and do great. Until he didn't. And when he lost again we'd repeat the cycle.
Masturbation is historically the stronger addiciton for him. Pornography is "just" an occasional problem.
But over the past year I feel like the Pornography has gotten worse. What started as a glance at a questionable magazine in the grocery store has turned into google searches that make me cringe.
There are things that encourage me, but when he loses and I know it's worse than it has ever been, I wonder all over again if we're getting better or getting worse.
How do you know when it's getting better? How do you know when it's time to quit?
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
We're Not Alone
Husband and I were talking about what we heard of conference last night and for the first time in a long time neither one of us could remember a talk about porn and/or repentance. (Keep in mind, we have 2 young kids and although conference was on all day, we admittedtly didn't hear it all- or even most.)
"I guess it's just not a problem anymore." I joked with him.
"Yeah. That's what I hear at Group. Nobody's struggling these days, it has just vanished." He responded.
3 or 4 years ago I would have bet that Husband and I were the only ones in the whole wide world with such a horrific problem. Except for perverts, child molesters, and a bunch of people in prison of course.
I had no idea that so many people struggled with pornography and sexual addiciton. I had no idea that GOOD people struggled with it. And I certainly had no idea that MOST people struggled on some level. (I'd say "most" is a a generous understatment - wouldn't you?)
After Husband returned from PASG I realized that the entire time he was gone I read and read and read. New blogs, old blogs and forum posts. I got sucked into the world of addiction recovery and didn't come out for nearly 2 hours.
I found new friends and checked in with old friends. I read miraculous and heartbreaking stories. I found strength among my sisters who are also fighting this addiction with all they have. And I came out inspired (a little tired) and stronger.
To say I'm in good company is an understatement.
I'm glad to know now what I didn't know then.
"I guess it's just not a problem anymore." I joked with him.
"Yeah. That's what I hear at Group. Nobody's struggling these days, it has just vanished." He responded.
3 or 4 years ago I would have bet that Husband and I were the only ones in the whole wide world with such a horrific problem. Except for perverts, child molesters, and a bunch of people in prison of course.
I had no idea that so many people struggled with pornography and sexual addiciton. I had no idea that GOOD people struggled with it. And I certainly had no idea that MOST people struggled on some level. (I'd say "most" is a a generous understatment - wouldn't you?)
After Husband returned from PASG I realized that the entire time he was gone I read and read and read. New blogs, old blogs and forum posts. I got sucked into the world of addiction recovery and didn't come out for nearly 2 hours.
I found new friends and checked in with old friends. I read miraculous and heartbreaking stories. I found strength among my sisters who are also fighting this addiction with all they have. And I came out inspired (a little tired) and stronger.
To say I'm in good company is an understatement.
I'm glad to know now what I didn't know then.
Monday, April 2, 2012
10 minutes
I know a woman who prays for 30 mintues every day without fail. This is a part of her life that she simply cannot live without.
I have two young children, a business, and a fairly demanding calling and I often remind myself that I simply "don't have that kind of time". The truth is I could make that kind of time if I wanted to - but I haven't done it.
But this month is the month of 10 minute prayers. Every day. I have told my husband that I am off limits to him (and the kids) because I am alloting myself 10 straight minutes of time to be with my Heavenly Father every day. And I get to pick when it is.
Yesterday was the first of the month and it was a beautiful 10 minutes. I'm amazed that things I have to discuss, ideas, people, thoughts that I have been neglecting. I hope that during this month I create a habit that lasts through my whole life.
I have two young children, a business, and a fairly demanding calling and I often remind myself that I simply "don't have that kind of time". The truth is I could make that kind of time if I wanted to - but I haven't done it.
But this month is the month of 10 minute prayers. Every day. I have told my husband that I am off limits to him (and the kids) because I am alloting myself 10 straight minutes of time to be with my Heavenly Father every day. And I get to pick when it is.
Yesterday was the first of the month and it was a beautiful 10 minutes. I'm amazed that things I have to discuss, ideas, people, thoughts that I have been neglecting. I hope that during this month I create a habit that lasts through my whole life.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The Stuff
Sometimes I talk about "The Stuff". Here's what it is for me:
1) Read Scriptures (10 minutes)
2) Pray (sincerely)
3) Talk (at least 2 meaningful conversations with Mrs. A.)
4) 3 minute shower (Husband struggled in the shower, and limiting his time there has significantly helped with thoughtless losses)
5) Not Home Alone (Husband struggles to be alone in our home. So, if his levels are out of whack, he has to leave our house.)
6) Check Levels (On a scale of 1-10 he rates his (a) desire to lose (b) dedication NOT to lose (c) anxiety)
7) Exercise (15 minutes)
8) Relaxation (ususally deep breaths or hand rolling or something similarly relaxing)
This is his list, that he decides everything about. He makes adjustments when he feels like something isn't working or is too demanding. He picks his "punishments" and tells me whether or not he thinks he completed each task on the list good enough. I do not drive this, but he has asked me to help him be accountable by asking him to report if he doesn't. Listening to him is the extent of my involvement.
The Stuff refers to the things that Husband has decided are important for him to do EVERY day without fail. Each night he goes through his (written) list and tells me what he did. If he chooses not to do these things, he has some form of "punishment" attached - his choice. (Irregular hosehold chore, giving up $$, etc.) This list sometimes changes and has adjustments, but it currently includes:
1) Read Scriptures (10 minutes)
2) Pray (sincerely)
3) Talk (at least 2 meaningful conversations with Mrs. A.)
4) 3 minute shower (Husband struggled in the shower, and limiting his time there has significantly helped with thoughtless losses)
5) Not Home Alone (Husband struggles to be alone in our home. So, if his levels are out of whack, he has to leave our house.)
6) Check Levels (On a scale of 1-10 he rates his (a) desire to lose (b) dedication NOT to lose (c) anxiety)
7) Exercise (15 minutes)
8) Relaxation (ususally deep breaths or hand rolling or something similarly relaxing)
This is his list, that he decides everything about. He makes adjustments when he feels like something isn't working or is too demanding. He picks his "punishments" and tells me whether or not he thinks he completed each task on the list good enough. I do not drive this, but he has asked me to help him be accountable by asking him to report if he doesn't. Listening to him is the extent of my involvement.
I'm curiuos. Do you have your own "Stuff"? Does your addict? Is it different from this list?
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