I have such a hard time telling where we are in this recovery process.
There are days that I just can't believe how far we've come. I'm so relieved that we are doing so well, that Husband is doing The Stuff or paying the consequences every day. I can't believe the things we've beaten and I have a lot of tiny victories to celebrate every day. Days that I feel like we're going to make it. There will be a day that this isn't our constant focus.
But Husband eased into this addiction.
Slowly.
Painfully.
He has always been honest (I think) about what has happened and he never bothered to hide it. He'd lose and tell me how sorry he was and how it wasn't going to happen again.
Then he'd lose again, talk to the bishop, work it out, spill his guts, be real sorry and do great. Until he didn't. And when he lost again we'd repeat the cycle.
Masturbation is historically the stronger addiciton for him. Pornography is "just" an occasional problem.
But over the past year I feel like the Pornography has gotten worse. What started as a glance at a questionable magazine in the grocery store has turned into google searches that make me cringe.
There are things that encourage me, but when he loses and I know it's worse than it has ever been, I wonder all over again if we're getting better or getting worse.
How do you know when it's getting better? How do you know when it's time to quit?
This sounds JUST like my husband. Each time he messes up I feel like we lost all the ground we had gained, like there was no progress. But I'm starting to feel a little differently now, we are both learning each time. He learns about what went wrong, and I learn about how to cope with it. Does it mean it's never going to happen again? Unfortunately no. But I'm going to be okay. And I do believe that at some point, the cumulation of all the small things my husband has learned along the way will work together for him to overcome it altogether.
ReplyDeleteMy quitting point would come if, through the power of prayer and discernment God revealed to me that my husband's heart was no longer wanting/willing to change. And I truly believe that I'm entitled to that revelation from God if I sincerely seek it.
Jane I dig your new avatar too! very nice pic
DeleteI love your pic, too!
DeleteAgreed!
DeleteThis is one of the worst feelings. I've felt a lot of it too. In fact at one point I had my divorce paper filled out and ready to be filed. It was all toooooo much. That is truly one of the nagging questions "should i stay, should i go?" And I echo what Jane has said, pray for massive amounts of patience and our Heavenly Father will certainly speak to us letting us know when it's time to leave. My sponsor told me that divorce don't solve anything it just creates new problems...it's an exchange we have to be willing to make. I don't know. every situation is widely different and each woman can handle only so much.
ReplyDeleteIs he changing? It may be slow, but is it constant? And it sounds like you have his honesty which is HUGE!
I'm thinking of you tonight.
You know when you read a story about someone who is tkaing crap they shouldn't take and you're thinking "get out get out get OUT!!!" I wonder if I will look at my life later and think that. But for now, I usually feel like I'm OK.
DeleteGosh, I wish I knew the answer to that question. I feel like my husband is getting better every week. Of course, I still worry that there's dishonesty there and that it's not actually getting better, but I do feel like it's getting better. I don't know how you decide when enough is enough, but I like Jane's thought: that we will know when it's time through prayer and revelation.
ReplyDeleteJane's always right isn't she. :D Better every week is a good goal! Maybe we'll aim for more like that.
DeleteI'm not sure of the answer... but I do know that I took what my counselor said very seriously (and obviously my ex was into A LOT of very deviant things so you can take this for what it's worth since our situations are different)....
ReplyDeleteHe said to
a) judge how you feel around him. Do you feel safe in his presence?
b) keep on living your life as the pioneer woman. Raise your kids, keep trekking across the plains, kill your OWN buffalo, and pull that HEAVY cart yourself! IF he is willing to do what it takes, he will.... he will help lighten the burden and he will make HUGE strides in overcoming this addiction... but if he's lollygagging in the dust or dangling his feet off of the wagon, slowing you down, you'll know that it's time to possibly re-evaluate the situation.
For me, the cart became so heavy that I knew, I KNEW it was over. There was no doubt in my mind and I never looked back. Heavenly Father was right there... confirming it all!
Again, totally different situations, but maybe this little but of info can help you... keep going... if he' being honest with you, then like Scabs said, that's a HUGE jump start to the journey.
Thinking of you Mrs A!
P.S. I think it's be awesome if you added a follower gadget so that we can be updated of your posts! Just sayin' :)
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
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I LOVE that. And now I wanna go kill a buffalo! (Only not...) I'll go add a follower thing now. :)
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