Sometimes I know exactly what I want to write, and other times I just know that I want to write.
Today it is the latter, so I apologize in advance for my scattered thoughts.
I would say that Husband and I have been doing well, our relationship progressing and our life running as smoothly as it can given our current circumstances.
But every now and then he says something that just screams "HE'S AN ADDICT!!! RUN THE OTHER WAY!!!!" in my face and I find myself wondering what on earth I'm doing here. How did I let my life become this way?
I suppose the small victory I am celebrating is that when this happens I don't buy into it. I don't feel guilty or let him talk me into being at fault. I don't let his flawed (addict) logic win and I refuse to feel guilty about that. I'm comfortable letting the (obvious) desired response go unsaid because it simply isn't true.
Tonight over dinner Husband told me he thought I was beautiful. It sounded sweet and meaningful, but given some of his behaviors over the last few days I was suspicious about what he meant. So I asked. "What do you mean when you say that?"
After a bit of prodding he said "I saw you getting out of the shower today and I keep thinking about being naked and getting turned on. I'm horny, I want sex, I want relief and I know that the only way I'll get it from you is if I talk to you and tell you what you want to hear."
I didn't respond at all. Again, the tiny victory that you have to be looking for is his honesty.
He made a few attempts at conversation as we got the boys ready for bed. "So....did you like church today?" and "Did you rotate your car tires?" were the best of the bad.
I called him out, explaining that I feel like he's trying to manipulate me so he can get what he wants: sex. Always sex. The only motivation he can seem to find in life.
I suppose I technically appreciate that he's attempting to meet my needs (conversation, connection that isn't physical, etc.) before he starts in on the regular "hook a brother up" requests. But it's just SO FAR from anything real, it's so full of "I'll do anything to get some" mentality and I just can't stand to let it be that way.
I want something that is naturally real instead of forced and calculated and contrived. Is this (settling for a lame attempt instead of the real thing) part of faking it till you make it? Or is this as idiotic as it seems (to me)?
I know this feeling. Where requests for intimacy are laced with something dirty something degrading something you know isn't intimate. Personally, I don't think faking it till you make is healthy for me in my situation, not when it comes to sex anyway.
ReplyDeleteBasically I set up this boundary for my husband, if you want intimacy and love and sex, than you will earn it. I need communication that is intimate and real---no more skating along on the surface. It's easy to talk about kids and soccer practice. I demanded (i know, strong language) but really, I demanded his openness and vulnerability for there to be any intimacy or sex.
Sometimes i walked him through how to have deeper communication than daily surface subjects. Therapy has helped us with this. When he moved back into the house after our separation, we made a deal. If he made a point of spending a few minutes opening up and being genuine with me than he could sleep in my bed that night. If not, he slept in the guest bed. Elementary I know, but somehow it seems to work.
I think the thing that bothers me most about the attitude of ...come on just "hook a brother up" was that it feels too much like his addiction. If he just needed a hook up then flip on the internet or go visit a massage parlor! And I am not willing to play part in the hook up.
On the other hand, once my husband realized the difference between hooking up and intimacy he understood. He wanted something deep and meaningful and real, not shallow and weak. These men have lost touch with intimacy and I couldn't reward my spouse for any lame attempts.
Although sex/porn addiction isn't about the sex...developing a deep sexual relationship with our spouse again become such a loaded issue full of emotion and vulnerability.
I'm sorry, this is such a difficult issue to navigate.
When Husband is being himself good conversation and closelenss flows naturally. I KNOW he's capable of it (something even my therapist questioned for a while. But he IS!) But when he's Addict-Husband he's a whole different person. He can't figure out what to say or how to say it. Our interactions are more awkward than they were on our first date.
DeleteAmen on the hooking a brother up! I totally feel like I'm feeding his addiction and I CAN'T do that anymore! (right? right?!?!) If he wants to get hooked he can find a hooker. (Not that he ever has....just that I feel like a hooker when he's like that.)
I struggle to find the line between using sex as a bartering tool or a reward for good behavior and not caving when he's not doing anything to make that connection real. I don't want sex to be a training tool and I don't want to hold it over his head. "Jump this high and you can have a treat!" I just want a good REAL connection instead of this emptiness.
Good puppy! Lol just kidding!
DeleteExactly! Maybe a squirt bottle would work better? :)
DeleteThat was the hardest part for me during my marriage. I never reached the point of creating sexual boundaries--often, (not all the time ,but often), I would have sex with him WHENEVER he wanted it, in hopes that he wouldn't go elsewhere. I realize now how totally unhealthy that was: I faked it and never made it anywhere, and he kept falling and falling deeper and deeper into his adultery. April is right--this is SO hard to navigate, but I think she makes some really stellar points. Creating intimacy and closeness is the goal, since healthy sex is a natural outgrowth of that. Prayers for you. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI think it's essential to your recovery to trust your gut and decide what you want. If you are feeling manipulated, as you did, draw your boundary. Part of recovery as defined by the Sexaholics Anonymous program is not just the avoidance of pornographic material or the seeking for sexual release outside of the marriage, it's also a progressive victory over lust. In my opinion, seeking a 'fix' from you is still being driven at some level by lust, especially if he's manipulating you to get it. The further he gets into recovery, the more his brain can heal and his heart can feel.
ReplyDeleteThat's going to be a process, to be sure, but it's not an unreasonable thing to hope for in what recovery can look like in the ideal.
How to navigate that middle space is the tricky part, of course. But again, I'd say trust your gut. It's also ok to just own it and say, "I don't feel safe right now" -- even if he's doing his best, you can just own that where you are. And then keep working your recovery, too so that you can keep your gut as uncluttered as possible from fear, anger, etc.