Insert Proper Response Here

Last night I threw a major fit about something that looked stupid but was very real to me.

"I found a piece of furniture that I want and it's free" I told him.
"I think this is a really bad time to get more stuff." he responded "aren't we supposed to be getting RID of stuff?"
Rewind. We're moving. Our landlord didn't give us much notice because he's sortof a jerk and we have until the end of the month (that's right, thanksgiving weekend) to find a place, pack up and move.
"It's FREE." Sometimes I don't listen to what he's saying because I already think I know what his objection will be. (money. or sex - though sex doesn't apply here.)
"But we have to put it in the moving truck which will already be full of all our crap. And that was BEFORE you bought a piano - now there's no way it will fit. I don't want to move MORE stuff."


I entered my familiar tirade about how I'm on my own and I can't count on him and blah blah blah.

The insults and personal attacks shot out of my mouth like bullets.

"It's not a big deal, I will pick it up, I will stick it in the garage until moving day, I will ask our home teachers to personally put it on the truck when we move so you don't have to do an ounce of work" I started....then picked up steam  "because that's exactly how you want to live your life! NOT doing ANYthing. EVER! Which leaves me to be responsible for everything" I accused.
"If I want something done why do I always have to be the one to make it happen?"
"Why can't you just be happy for the work I do!"
"You're selfish and lazy!!!"
"Why can't you accept it when good things come into our life?" I threw in for good measure.

When I was done, Husband said "I don't really want to do this pattern, can we just talk about it instead?"

And I told him no. I was totally unwilling to discuss it as long as he was being a jackass.

I am entitled to my feelings. I'm allowed to be triggered. I have earned well the feeling of being abandoned and alone and solely responsible for making good happen in our lives.
 I have learned that when I'm mad and have plenty of ammunition I don't HAVE to pretend to be calm and sane and have a reasonable conversation. I don't have to bite my tongue so hard it bleeds.
I can take time and space to calm down on my own, in another place where I can do whatever I have to do. I'm allowed to feel how I feel without deciding if it's reasonable or not.

But I realize today exactly what They all meant when They said "just work on you because you can't control him". I literally smacked myself in the forehead out of anger when I attended 12 step meetings and women further along in this process told me "you didn't cause it, it isn't your fault and all you can do is come to these meetings to work on yourself."

Because if it isn't my fault why am I the one sitting in a meeting every week? Why do I have to work on me when he's the one ruining our lives? Why isn't HE doing anything?

This is why: this experience has given me a stockpile of heavy ammunition - negative and out of control feelings, thoughts and beliefs - about both of us. The little things are big because they represent the big things.
That's what I have to work on now. I've never had reason to learn to be kind to someone I'm so mad at because I've never been so mad before. I've never been betrayed like this and I've never had so much ammo available to me. 

Today, working on me means gaining control of my humanity and learning to hold back rather than emptying my clip just because I have it.

But that takes me working on me.