No respecter of calendars

When I was a young girl I fought with my brother one Christmas Eve and my mom was horrified that we "ruined Christmas!!!" She had a meltdown we didn't see her for a while and when we did the guilt trip was enormous.

I hadn't intended to ruin Christmas. And while we were fighting I didn't realize that I was ruining Christmas for her. But afterward I felt bad (of course) and wished I could enjoy Chrismtas instead of feeling guilty. But every time I saw my mom and her disappointment I couldn't do anything but wallow in the guilt of my enormous error.

Husband lost on Christmas Eve. I still had a lovely holiday, but he was bitterly disappointed when my boundaries (hands off after loss!) still applied even though "it's Christmas!"

Then he lost again (he tends to hit a downward spiral immediately after loss) and was disappointed again when I held firm "even on New Year's Eve?...."

I feel bad for him, I get that he's disappointed, and I am too. I'd much rather feel close and connected to my Husband during holidays and special occasions. I'd much rather snuggle in close to him by the fire and feel safe and secure in his arms.

But the truth is: I don't. So I didn't.

But the other truth is Christmas wasn't ruined. I think I inherited some (ok a lot) of my mom's perfectionism. The inability to shrug off the bad and move on. So what if your kids fight with each other. They're kids? Let's open some presents and give thanks to each other.

I'm working hard on being able to isolate the heartbreak of addiction. Give it its proper place, then move on. Christmas Eve was a lovely holiday. We enjoyed time with family, continued on with our traditions and enjoyed being together. My children's eyes widened at the sight of presents, they tore wrapping paper and giggled. Husband was pleasantly surprised and we all played games to our hearts' content.

The place for disappointment was later, and I let it stay there instead of allowing it to seep into all of our other holiday joy.

In the meantime, perhaps my own personal Christmas gift from above, we have been blessed with Wonder-Bishop who has lit a fire under Husband that I haven't seen before. Husband is engaged and interested in overcoming addiction in a way he never has been before. I'm not at all confident it will last, but I am confident he's getting a taste of real change. And I hope he likes it enough to keep it up.

But if not, he's a good man, a good father, and a quite pleasant companion when he wants to be.

I'll take it.