I might be the only person alive who feels this way. But I do not hate my husband after he loses. (Technically I don't ever hate him....I guess....) Husband gets crazy helpful and nice and respectful becuase he feel so guilty after he loses. The days following a loss are always filled with laughter and support and love.
He is thankful that I'm still here, that I'm working with him and I'm "on his team". He is physically relieved because he just lost. He is ramped up and ready to fight again becasue he remembers how much he hates this addiction.
It's the days leading up to the loss that I simply can't stand. He is grumpy and mad at me. It's my fault that he's stressed. It's the kids' fault that we never do anything fun. It's the world's fault that our life isn't great. He's tired and stressed and he can't act out to relieve himself. He is thoughtless and snippy. He is short and withdrawn. He is everything he wasn't when I met (and married) him.
These are the days that I wonder if we'll make it.
These are the days I'm not sure if I married the right guy.
These are the days that I want to tell him to find another place to live until he works this out because we simply can't stand to be around him.
Then he loses and becomes the man I married again - slowly fading into the shadow of that man as he battles more and more. Eventually becoming simply a dark spot in my otherwise sunny life.
And do you want to know the crazy part? While I ultimately want him to win every battle and be YEARS clean and sober, during those days (when everything is rotten), I wish he would just do it and get it over with. So he can be the man I married again.
I was saying that exact thing to someone tonight. He can be cruel when he is being tempted, and sometimes I just want the night/week to be over so I can have the nice guy back again.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was journaling along with step 2, there was a question about patience . . . and as I was writing about patience I realized I am actually a bit impatient for him to lose, so I can see how we handle it, so I can see if he tells me the truth, so I'm not walking on eggshells just WAITING for it to happen again . . . I was really surprised once I realized that! For me, at least, there's so much uncertainty in sobriety, it's so different than what we're used to, and I just am so antsy to see how things all 'work out' that part of me almost craves the familiarity of his acting out and a release from this uncertainty and anxiousness of waiting to see when it happens again . . .
ReplyDeleteIt was a really surprising thing to find out about myself! Still trying to pray for patience to get past this stage :-)
Funny, I hadn't even realated it to patience until you posted this. But that's what it is. I don't want to endure the awful tense husband, I want the repentant happy husband NOW.
DeleteThis is a very interesting post. I just posted on this before i read this. I hate the tension. I hate the "when will i be attacked next?!" But certainly losing on a regular basis can't be the goal. Is it possible for the men to endure/outlast the build-up and still stay clean?? And still be an A+ husband?? Recovery teaches us SOOO much patience doesn't it? :)
ReplyDelete"certainly losing on a regular basis can't be the goal" is what keeps rolling through my head. So why do I prefer the lost husband? *sigh*
DeleteI was that way. Grumpy because "we never do it anymore", then I'd A/O and be happy for awhile. BUT, since sincerely taking the first step, not like all the other times I took it, I haven't been grumpy at all. I'm surrendered.
ReplyDelete