Setting reasonable boundaries is something I really struggle with. For a lot of different reasons.
Partly because I don't trust my ability to be reasonable when it comes to this addiction and sex and our relationship.
Partly because I don't dare stand up for what I suspect might be reasonable.
Partly because I'm lazy and tired of fighting and it's much easier to just go with it.
But mostly because when I think about it, nothing that makes sense comes to mind.
Person A says that XX days after a loss they don't have sex.
Person B says that their husband has to leave the house to look at porn.
Person C says demands that husband has to get rid of the porn stash or move out.
Person D says that after a loss the husband sleeps on the couch because she doesn't feel safe with him.
This will be a whole other post, but I don't hate my husband after he looses. He often overcompensates for his stupidity and becomes the man I used to know. So all of these "punishments" after losing don't match my feelings. Maybe they should....but they don't.
But he has a grooming habit that triggers ALL of the emotions of lying, sneaking around, selfishness, and putting his "needs" above EVERYthing else in his life. And every time this grooming habit surfaces I shut down. I feel rejected, unimportant, not good enough. I wonder what he's been looking at and thinking about. I worry that he's losing again.
So I told him I he was welcome to do that grooming thing, but that I couldn't have sex with him afterward.
As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt like this was the GREATEST boundary of all time. Being close to him is too painful for me. And while this particular habit is not inherently wrong, I'm just not over it.
But now I'm wondering, is this just a trigger for me and I need to chill out? Is this a boundary-worthy issue or something I that I ought to be fighting against. Again this thing is NOT (by any stretch of the imagination) inappropriate. But every time he does it he loses and it immediately makes me nervous and uncomfortable around him.
*sigh* I really hate that we have to figure this out. But once I get it figured out I'll be really really excited and feel exceptionally intelligent. :D
I so wish I had a better understanding of boundaries! I've been working on some myself and it just gets me confused.
ReplyDeleteI think it makes total sense that if something he does causes you anxiety, you get to say you're not comfortable enough for sex! I think boundaries, at least in part, is about making sure we feel safe and comfortable enough for intimacy -- if we don't, then something needs to be different. you can't force him to do something different, but you can say what you're not willing to do if you're uncomfortable!
I have learned not to confuse boundaries with punishments. It is not my job to punish my husband. There are inherent consequences to his behavior: a relapse will make me sad. That is a law of nature. It just will. Where does the boundary come in? When I am sad I want to be alone. I'm not "punishing" my husband by making him sleep on the couch, I am giving myself space to cope with my sadness. Does that make any sense?
ReplyDeleteTHAT is the problem I have with boundaries. I feel like I'm putting a 2-year-old in time out. I have issues with "mothering" my poor husband anyway, so I don't need any extra encouragement to do so with a clever code-name. :D
DeleteOne more thing- I think you're on the right track, if a relapse doesn't cause you the same feelings it causes someone else, you don't need to make post-relapse boundaries for yourself. But if something does make you uncomfortable or emotionally unsafe, that is exactly the appropriate time for a boundary. You aren't "punishing" him for his grooming behavior, you are simply saying you are not comfortable with it and therefore you will not feel close to him emotionally after he does it. You just don't- inherent consequence.
ReplyDeleteI love you Jane. I started to reply to this, but it's becoming it's own post. So stay tuned. :)
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