Feeling good

About 6 weeks ago Husband and I had a (typical) meeting with Therapist. We talked about all the normal things and got the same advice we've been getting on a regular basis for the past 2 years.

"You have an anxiety disorder. You cannot skip things like people without a disorder do."
"If you don't start talking about things, it won't be better."
"You have to monitor yourself"

Nothing was new information. Nothing was a big revelation. But suddenly Husband heard number 2. "You HAVE to talk more."

When Husband and I were dating we couldn't talk to each other enough. We always had so much to say, but over the last few years our conversations have dwindled almost to the point of not existing. When we do talk it's strictly business.

 "Did you pay this bill?"
"Can you stay home with the boys while I get groceries?"
"What should we do about the constant fit-throwing?"
"What time is your meeting?"

Except when Husband has a big breakdown. Then it's a long painful overwhelming conversation filled with emotions and tears and reassurance.

But as we left Therapist's office that day, it was like someone had flipped the "on" switch to Husband's brain and he heard it suddenly.

He started talking to me the way he did when we were dating. Immediately. No warming into it, no slowly getting better, he was just suddenly and miraculously capable of conversation in a way that he hasn't been for years.

These 6 weeks have been amazing. Husband has acted out, he's lost battles with Satan, he's made poor choices, and he's disappointed me.

But I don't care like I used to. I don't hate him for it. I wish it was different, I wish he wasn't so sad, I wish he could see the way his choices affect us. But I'm not mad. At all.

Instead I'm in love with him again. He is my friend and my confidant. I am his friend and I just want him to be happy and healthy. I am cheering him on and crying with him instead of crying because of him. We're both trying and it feels amazing.

I've missed him these past few years.