A Buffalo I Killed: The Temple

I spent a lot of time in the temple last month.

I should clarify, a lot for me and there were days it broke my heart to go alone because I want more than anything to hold my sweetheart's hand in the celestial room knowing that the blessings of the temple and eternity apply to us.

But the vast majority of the time I simply LOVED being there. By myself. In the peace and quiet being taught by the spirit.

I loved to go multiple days in a row and see familiar faces of temple workers who I knew only because I was there the day before.
I loved to have built in study and prayer time. Silent. Calm. And mine.
I loved putting Husband's name on the prayer roll (role? roll?) along with other dear friends' and exercising my faith with others there on their behalf.
I loved coming home and bringing the spirit and the angels with me.
I loved learning different things from different ordinances.
I loved doing names from a ward member who needed help.

It was a beautiful experience to be there so much.

Once after doing sealings, the Sealer stopped me afterward and said "I hope you'll come back to do sealings again soon. You should bring your husband with you!" I told him I'd be back soon and bit my tongue about Husband. Of course I should bring him with me! I'd love nothing more. And I hoped with all my heart I could do exactly that. But the truth is that it isn't up to me.

Early in December Husband attended a temple sealing of a dear friend with me. He was worthy and it was beautiful. He mentioned more than once that he wanted to go do some work soon, but he's not so great with the planning and follow through and I am learning to be better at not taking over his good ideas. So I didn't say anything and he didn't go.

Then he lost.
And now he can't go.

I am trying desperately to find my place in his healing. To be supportive, but not take over. But now I wish I had planned my own temple day and simply invited him. It takes so much effort for me to leave him alone, that I fear I go too far and am not supportive. Like everything in life finding the balance is the most difficult part for me.

I believe the answer is that I'm not going to let his worthiness for a temple recommend influence my temple attendance. I will go when I need to and want to go. And he will do the same. I won't resent him when he can't or won't come and I won't force him when he can. I'll simply do what I know I need to do and trust that he'll do what he needs to do too. Even if what he needs looks different from what I need.