I attended a stake conference a year or two ago in which there was a visiting general authority.
He and his wife spoke at the adult session and very nearly broke my heart. They spoke about marriage and how important, divine, eternal and happy it should be.
They offered tips and advice for how to make the marriage relationship work and casually told stories about their life together.
At this point in our life, we were not happy. Husband was spiralling deeper into the addiction and fighting recovery. I was demanding that he change or I leave. We were wildly unhappy. Husband was in school full time and working and I was angry that he spent so much time at school and so little time with our family.
The GA spoke about a time in his life that he was in school and his ever-supportive wife would quiz him and help him study. They joked that she could pass every test that he passed and it was only fair that she have the licensing he had at the end of it.
She spoke of the sacrifices he willingly made in order to spend quality time with her and the kids. He lovingly taught and played with them.
As she expressed her love and appreciation for him, I sat in the back row sobbing because I wanted to love my dirty-rotten-good-for-nothing husband that much. Why, WHY couldn't he be worth loving that much?
As he expressed his love and appreciation for her, I sobbed because I knew my dirty-rotten-good-for-nothing husband would never be so kind and gushing and loving to me.
Then, very suddenly I saw clearly why he would never love me that way. I was giving him absolutely nothing to gush over. I didn't help him study, I didn't invite him to be with us at the end of the day, I didn't ask how his day was or offer any support because I was too busy being hurt and mad. Of course he didn't love me, I gave him nothing to love.
I'd like to say everything changed from that day forward, but it didn't. But I am trying, and I often think of that talk. If I want him to gush and adore me, I must be adorable and gush-worthy.
Of course there are behaviors I will support and those I cannot tolerate; however if we're going to live happily in recovery I need to give Husband something to love.
And you know what? I like being lovable.
This is always such a hard balance for us. Finding the right balance between being a loving and lovable companion and looking out for our own well being. I have a hard time with this. But I do agree that, addictions aside, we are just as responsible for the health of our marriage, and we can work on our contributions as our husbands work on theirs.
ReplyDeleteHmmm ... Do you guys have a date night? I'm not being accusatory or flippant. I'm actually going somewhere with this. ;) Do you ever take a break from everything? Just for an hour or two? Just the two of you? Doesn't have to cost anything ... maybe just a walk. No talk about the addiction. (VERY important component for this to be effective!!!) Actually, no talk about anything negative at all. Just for an hour or two. The no-negative-talk rule can be more challenging than it sounds. Believe me! I know from experience! But ... it can also be pretty refreshing if you do this kind of an outing right. Like coming up for air when you've been drowning in a swimming pool for a while! I just read a great post on Jane's blog titled "It feels like dating all over again" that might get your wheels turning! I see it's on your sidebar. Have you read it yet? If you haven't, give it a whirl!
ReplyDeleteSo funny that you should reference Jane's post - I just commented on it saying how much I think it's good for us to have a (monthly) date that's not about addiction. :D It's just once a month, but it's so so good (and hard!)
DeleteI sincerely hope that in our (post school) world it will be weekly isntead. But we'll build up to that. Baby steps.
I'm glad that your profile is now linked to your blog! I had clicked on your before, but didn't see anything, so now I'm glad to have a link to your blog Angel. :D
DeleteI loved your post! I loved how you were able to shift the moment of finger pointing from him to you. That's tough to do. That's what true recovery is all about thought, right?
ReplyDeleteMy stake conference experience was our Stake President spoke about "living after the manner of happiness." He was emphasizing how because we have the gospel we should be happy. Believe me, at the moment in my life, I did not feel happy! My life already stinks, and now I have to get lectured at church because I am not happy?? My glimmer of positivity is that at least now that I am working the steps and trying to focus on ME, I do have happy moments, days, and occasionally weeks or months. I know the journey ahead will be long, but I also know it will be sprinkled with goodness along the way.
Oh, and though I don't know you well, I bet you are gush worthy!