I'd been reading a book in which one of the characters is married to this manipulative douche of a guy. (Forgive my language.) She doesn't see it and just keeps thinking she needs to try harder. And harder. And be better. And prettier. And smarter. And give more. and and and....
Eventually he hits her and she threatens to leave and he talks her into staying. They have a child together and when he hits her again she leaves.
I read this book and kept thinking am I that girl? Am I sticking around being stupid and how bad will it have to be before I leave? You need to know Husband has never hit me. He is a quiet calm man and although he gets frustrated he never takes it out on me or the kids - he just gets mad and eventually masturbates or looks at porn. Would somebody read the story of my life and be yelling at my pages "leave him!!! you are much better than that! LEAVE HIM!!! It will be OK!" Would I have followers routing for me to make it on my own?
I recommended this book to Husband because I thoroughly enjoyed it and thought he would too. This relationship story is a small part of a much bigger story following an LDS family during WWII.
We happened to be on a long road trip together when Husband was listening to this part of the book and he was visibly emotional listening to this story.
Good. He's realizing what a horrible person he's been. I thought.
He's seeing himself from a 3rd party perspective and he's realizing how poorly he's been treating us.
After a few miles when she had left her abusive Husband and settled into her own life I asked Husband if he wanted to talk about it.
"I just need you to know I will never put up with being hit." he started.
A few minutes into his speech I realized He thought He was the one being abused. He was relating to the same character I was. The battered wife. It never crossed his mind that he might be the manipulative douchey husband. I was floored. Because it never crossed my mind either.
I am definitely the one with the stronger personality of the two of us. I am a master at belittling him and reminding him that he's ruining our life. I almost always know which words will hurt the most and I rarely hold them back. Because in my mind he deserves it. Am I the douchey husband? Is he the one who's scared of ME?
A few weeks later when we had our commitment talk I realized that when we discuss separating and he tells me he doesn't know if he can "do it" he isn't talking about sobriety.
I say "I'm tired of this and I don't know how much longer I can do it." It = stay married to you because your'e making my life unbearable.
He says "I don't know either." It = stay married to you because you're making my life unbearable.
I always thought he meant he didn't know how long he could stop behaving this way so I would stay married to him, but it turns out he doesn't even want to be marrieed to me. He doesn't know how long he can stand it because he's miserable too.
What a slap in the face.
I hate admitting that I'm so self-righteous it never occurred to me, but I am.
I hate admitting that I might be making him miserable too, but I am.
I hate admitting that now I know that because if I know I'm ruining his life and I don't change then I am doing exactly what I hate about him.
But there it is. In black and white. And as we all know, if it's on the internet then it's true. (ha ha ha ha!) And now I've put it onthe internet.
Ouch. It's not easy being the bad guy.
In the last year I have taken a good look at my contributions to our relationship, and it is very humbling and painful to admit that I am often the toxic one. We feel like we have this right to point out everything they are doing wrong all the time, because they have hurt us. In reality, I was just beating him up emotionally. In fact, just last night it finally came out that I've lost faith in him. Not just faith that he'll be honest with me or beat his addiction. Faith that he can make anything of himself or work hard enough to accomplish things in general. I felt terrible as he put two and two together in the conversation and realized how I had been feeling. Can you imagine someone telling you that? That they don't think you're capable of making anything of yourself? I think it's so important for us to look at how we are damaging the other person as well. That's why I often post about (putting addiction issues aside) how WE are contributing to our marriages. It's really hard to admit that we are not helping the marriage in any way but constantly blaming the other person for all the problems THEY brought into the marriage. I know it hurts. Sending you love and support. You have my number, right? Feel free to text or call me if you ever need to talk.
ReplyDeleteOuch. Can I just say, yet again, that I could've pretty much written this same post!?
ReplyDeleteI'm totally the stronger personality, married to someone who is much more passive and just 'takes it' way more than I ever would -- I'm the manipulative one -- and I feel SO justified when I do it, 'cause HE has hurt ME so bad and put everything at risk, etc, etc, etc, so I do or say the things that'll have the most impact on him, just 'cause I want to get his attention (or, for the love, to see him react to something, just to know he really is FEELING something about all this instead of just standing their stoically and taking it all in and me never knowing if he's just listening or if he's really hearing and getting it.) I feel like we're making real progress on these fronts, but it's taken a lot of me eating humble pie to understand my role in things -- and I don't always like eating humble pie and understanding my role, there are times I miss the black and white days of 'he's the bad guy and I'm the victim', 'cause emotionally it was hell but it was clear cut. Now that I see my part in things more, and am trying to be better, it's painful, hard, I have to bite my tongue (which is WAY hard :-)!) and be more empathetic myself. And he speaks up for himself more -- which from a mental health standpoint and recovery and all that is excellent -- but sometimes as the spouse, it's hard to have him honestly express his issues with me and my reactions.
So, I get it :-) But, remember, you are being put through a lot, so be patient with yourself too . . . nobody should have to have this crap in their marriage, so you do have a right to be hurt, it's not like you're lashing out with absolutely no reason or anything -- you feel hurt and betrayed and wonder where the heck this is all gonna end up, which is stressful and disorienting and painful. So, try your best to see him and treat him the way God would want you too, but cut yourself some slack when you fall short. :-)
And email me after your move -- you'll be closer to me and we totally have to take the kids out somewhere together. :-)
What brave, raw honesty. Thank you for your courage in sharing this. I think it's an important message to share in terms of recovery -- and shows why recovery is so important for the spouse, too.
ReplyDeleteIt's great that you were able to have this conversation, as hard as it was.
I remember that moment well, when in perfect clarity I saw the ways I'd hurt HIM. Just another step forward, right? :) love you.
ReplyDeletedito,to what Jane said. It is with perfect clarity that I saw how wrong I had been too.
DeleteI just recently found this amazing world of blogs...it's been 3 months since DDay and I'm still reeling. But I'm finally starting to emerge from the fog and try to move forward in terms of recovery for myself. So, first, thanks for blogging (to all of you out there!). It has made me realize how I am not alone in this, which is good (for me) but so sad that there are so many of us out there.
ReplyDeleteOn to your post...this has been the hardest part for me lately. How can the man who hurt me so much have the balls to say he might not want to be married to ME? And how unfair that we are supposed to reconnect and fall in love when I'm a basket case? I know that I am not to blame for what he did, but I know I am not blameless in the problems our marriage had outside of his SA. Thanks for writing...I need to remember to try to be the best me there is (and bite my tongue), even when I want to rip his head off!