When Husband and I went through infertility crap I was very open with pretty much everyone about our struggles. My heart was breaking and it was so comforting to know that people were praying for me, helping me, and thinking about me. Because I was able to share with them, there weren't any judging "why don't you have kids yet" questions or stares.They knew what was happening and that my heart was broken, they were gentle with me.
I was immediately adopted into the infertility club. A small group of women who were experiencing the same childless heartache though all of us for different reasons. We all earned badges of courage in that group.
Then surprisingly I got pregnant.
And suddenly it was like I couldn't possibly understand the pain of all my infertile friends. Though nobody ever said anything directly, I didn't fit in that group anymore. I was stripped of my badge.
While there are similarities, this kind of heartbreak is so very different.
I never dreamed I'd feel so alone. I couldn't imagine Husband being the reason my heart was breaking and my dreams were shattered. I wouldn't explain this to anyone, and in general people in my life don't know to pray for me and withhold judgement. I get snappy remarks and unknowingly cutting remarks.
Then I found a group of women and I immediately felt a part of a "hard life" club again. Prayers and support and love and acceptance and so SO much understanding.
But every now and then I feel as if my story is inadequate.
In a world filled with horrifying and heartbreaking stories of infidelity and addiction, it's easy to compare our stories and feel as if I haven't earned my badge. It's easy to question if Husband's behavior really merits all of the ache. It's hard not to wonder if the friends I love so dearly are looking at me and thinking about how good I have it, wondering what I'm whining about.
But every now and then, when I have the opportunity to talk to people who aren't immersed in addiction and recovery and the horribly awful world of porn, I feel validated. I feel like I'm earning my badge. I feel like this trial in my life is legitimate. And it's OK for me to feel all of the betrayal and heartache I feel.
I can really relate to what you said in the second to last paragraph. But, I am going to validate myself and say, if anybody else lived my life, in my shoes, I bet they would feel jilted too. We are all at different stations within a common, but not identical, realm. Your pain is real. My pain is real. I wish we knew if/when the pain will end, but I guess that is part of the test....
ReplyDeleteThe lies that "this isn't that bad" or "you're always overreacting" or "this shouldn't bother you" are just that. Lies. I fight internally everyday about whether I have a right to feel the way I do. As time has gone on, I've accepted some things I thought I'd never allow in my home and life. That doesn't mean it's okay. Satan entices us to justify sin, every bit as much as our addicts. I don't know if my story is any "better" or "worse" than yours. It doesn't matter. It's so hard for all of us- even if we wanted to, I don't think we could compare. We've all earned our badge, and should you (and hopefully your husband too) fully recover, that badge will NEVER be stripped, as far as I'm concerned. You'll just get to add another for surviving the storm!
ReplyDeleteJane wrote a beautiful post of comparing our trials http://hisstrugglemystruggle.blogspot.com/2013/01/i-have-enough.html. In a later post she said something about "guilting herself out of sorrow". I have "guilted myself out of sorrow" so many times. Why is it we are encouraged to not compare our lives to others when we think we have it worse than them, but encouraged to compare ourselves (in an effort to make us feel better) to others misfortunes when we go through trials? Just because someone appears to have a harder life does not mean your pain isn't real. Or that you aren't justified in feeling a certain way. This is our reality, and we can wear whatever badge we choose!!
ReplyDeleteI want to validate, too. The 'severity' of the addiction is not the measuring stick for the impact on the spouse. The patterns that I have seen in how the women feel are essentially the same, no matter where the 'acting out' behaviors may be on the spectrum.
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