Doing It Wrong

I've been doing It wrong.

Not that It. Though I've done that It wrong in the past too...

I realized a few weeks ago how simply I'd been getting my own space. Freak out, have a meltdown, be mad and POOF! Space.

I could grab my keys, storm off in a fit of rage and have all the time I needed. Nobody asks a crazy lady questions so I take the car or not. I could walk it off, go out to eat alone, or do any other thing I wanted. But I came home mad. Mad that the only way I get to be alone is after throwing a fit or getting mad. I was mad that nothing got better while I was gone. I was mad that being in my house made me crazy. Mad mad mad.

So decided to start getting space in a new way.

It wasn't easy - new patterns never are - but after the first few times I got better at it and so did Husband. The Littles are still trying to catch on - but they will.

I say "I need a minute" and I take a minute. No argument. No discussion. No whining.

If anybody asks any questions, I simply leave. Before throwing my biting comment back in response. Well I don't know WHAT the hell you're supposed to do, but you're a grown man, so I'm sure you can figure it out for at least 2 minutes without me...I do it every damn day. All day every damn day.

That was a big deal, but the bigger deal was when I realized I was doing my Space Time wrong too.

I'd worry and feel guilty and be mad reviewing our last mean words to each other over and over again storing them for evidence of what a Jerk I married. I'd cry and be sad that this was my life. I could feel the anger and the hurt bubbling out of my throat burning all the way.

But yesterday when Husband and kids were buckled in the car and ready to go to a family event, I simply bowed out. "I just need some time." I said and watched them pull away with a smile on my face.

And since I had time I did exactly what I wanted. I vegged, watched a show, ate and peed in peace.

And then, when that little voice inside me said "OK. You're good now." I got up. I did dishes, I cooked for my family and planned some upcoming events and Lady Productivity was happy to be let loose.

It's so easy when I'm mid-meltdown to stay melted. To smash down that little voice. Because an object in motion stays in motion. And changing the direction of that motion takes a decent amount of force.

Sometimes my little voice is just too little and my wallow-motion wins. But if I've entered the wallowing peacefully, it's much easier to hear. It takes far less force to change direction and at then end of my Space Time, I feel better. I've had a rejuvenating mud bath rather than having wallowed with swine.

Here's my sign. If at the end of my Space Time it's not better, I was doing it wrong.