I'm seeing Husband do great things he's never been willing to do before recovery wise.
But I'm also seeing him sink to new lows.
During the last 6 months he's done things I thought I'd never see him do. Most of these things might not be that big a deal to you or yours, but they are lines I was sure he'd never cross. Things I thought he'd never do. Though I also thought he'd never look at porn....what do I know?
The latest is the one that scares me the most. He has started yelling. At me and The Littles.
His biological father was a pretty abusive man, he yelled a lot and hit them occasionally. Husband was terrified of him until the day he died. He hated that man. And it is his life's mission not to be like him. Which is why yelling has always been off limits.
WAY off limits.
I grew up in a family where we barely talked about things at all - much less yelled them. To this day I've never heard my dad raise his voice.
But on Sunday after asking and being ignored 3 times, I got in Husband's face about something and he yelled at me - not just a little. A lot. I refused to back down (one of my major flaws) and I swear there was a look in his eye I've never seen before. If he hadn't
It took most of the day and a lot of distraction to feel like I even dared talk to him; but even then I couldn't bring it up, so we still haven't discussed it.
Tonight when he shamed my son (who said he hated me) my son started to cry and screamed at the top of his lungs, Husband (while driving 85 mph on the on-ramp of the freeway) turned around and yelled/growled/shouted and my Little. When I told him to stop it and watch the road he turned on me.
He drove like a maniac the rest of the way home (about 30 minutes) while I prayed that something would slow him down before he hurt somebody. Fortunately we hit traffic and he was forced to drive a more reasonable speed.
By the time we got home Husband was back to his regular nice self. He acted like nothing happened and when he put his hand on my back and I shuddered he was offended.
How dare I hold it against him?
It wasn't a big deal, what is my problem?
He can't believe I won't just forgive him.
I swear he has moments of sanity and clarity and goodness. Glimpses of recovery.
But when it gets hard, Jekyll is nowhere to be found and Hyde runs unrestrained through my home.
That's when I feel like an idiot for sticking around. And validated for saying this is a real issue.
Oh so hard..this sounds so hard. One vice replaced by another. I know this pattern. I'm sorry you have to know it too. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to read this. I'm sure it is difficult for you and your kids to handle.
ReplyDeleteOh man, I am shuddering at all of this. :( Not okay. You are one tough woman. Seriously! It makes your blog title even more REAL because you are that tough and resilient woman that protects her children completely by herself. Like we think of olden day pioneer women, but really, the strength is in women like you.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm with you on the "being ignored" thing. Man-who-won't-be-named used to do that to me, and I HATED it!
I'm sorry. I think that addicts who are acting out can act this way. But, if your husband didn't used to yell, then maybe it is because he is not acting out and is actually feeling his feelings. Yet, he doesn't know how to appropriately deal with them. It is something he has to learn for the first time ever. I don't know. Just my thoughts. Sorry. :(
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry! And it sounds like you guys need to talk about this. Maybe he is scared too? When parts of my dad started showing up in my voice it terrified me, and I felt like I had no control. My counselor taught me to let the people around me know that I as losing it, and to please leave the room. I loved them enough to start watching for my signs of anger, and tell them to "get out now" also I talked about it afterwards with them, we still have conversations every 6 months or so about "who's fault is it if mommy yells? That's right, it's mummy's fault, and who's fault is it if YOU yell? Yep that's right it is your fault." And who's fault is it if you get in trouble? Yep that would be your fault, but if I get angry? It's my fault.
ReplyDeleteI worked hard to make sure those around me knew I loved them and was soooo sorry for my outbursts, my counselor said that by talking about it and owning it it doesn't cause the damage it could have with my kids. When my Ex's anger came out we had the same conversations, and my kids did fabulous!
What does he wish happened with his dad? Did he want someone to call the cops? Step In? Maybe you should do what he wished someone had done for him - for your son? I love you, I hope this helps :)