I feel his absence all the time.
He's mentally unaware of things that go on in our family.
He spends A LOT of time working.
He obsesses over money so he can pick up extra jobs and extra shifts.
He volunteers to help with things. Good things. But extra things just the same.
He looks for things to do to keep him busy.
Busy.
Away.
Unavailable.
I knew all that, but him saying "I like to stand by the door so I can leave quickly when I want to." still felt like a punch in the gut.
That's where he is. Exactly where he is. One foot out the door.
Which contributes to this lonely feeling. Like I am solely responsible for our life. The life we created - Our Littles. Our home. Our friends, neighbors, jobs. It's all on me. Because if he doesn't like what he's seeing, he's out. He's halfway out even when he's in.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I leave when it's overwhelming for me too. My recently discovered right to personal space has me overusing my car keys perhaps. When it all gets crazy here and I can't get space at home, I grab my keys the shoes nearest the door and I bolt.
Sometimes I shop, or enjoy the view at our local makeout point, and always I come back, but I'm sure it's no picnic for him when I simply throw my hands up in the air and run. Somehow I feel justified in leaving because I had more steps to take to get out.
Though I suppose gone is gone. Isn't it?
My husband's therapist would describe what you do as detaching, and what he does as isolating. It's the same pattern for me and my spouse. If I leave because I need some space, no one would wonder if I'm going to come back. I'll always come back, and I always specify a time. It's never really clear, often, with husband, whether he is really there. Or if he leaves, if and when he would come back. And I don't just mean physically, I mean emotionally too.
ReplyDeleteOK This is fascinating - it never occurred to me that they are 2 different things. (Benefits of therapy.) They look so similar, but to me it feels VERY different, I figured that was because I was the one doing it in one case and not the other.
DeleteI wonder if my detaching hurts him more because he thinks it's isolating - the only thing he's familiar with. So interesting.
Thank you for posting - great food for thought!
My good friend's husband (also a sex addict) and my husband go to the same therapist. We lovingly call him the "miracle worker". All four of us have benefitted from his amazing insight!
DeleteI agree with above comment. As I read through this, I felt like your out and his out is different. Yours is to get away moment for a bit to gather yourself, and then come back. His is straight up abandonment because even when he comes home, he's still not there, just looking for his next time to leave.
ReplyDeleteI live in Utah. I listen to country. I own that.
ReplyDeleteThere's a Chris Cagle song called "What kinda gone?" And I can't help but think of the Chorus:
Thought I heard her say something
Sounded like "I'm gone"
But these days gone can mean so many things
Well there's gone for good and there's good and gone
Then there's gone with the long before it
I wish she'd been just a little more clear
Theres gone for the day and gone for the night
Gone for the rest of your dog-gone life
Is it whiskey night or just a couple of beers
I mean what kinda gone are we talkin' 'bout here.
There ARE different types.
I totally get just wanting to up and leave for a while.
*HUGS* I wish I had something more uplifting to share, but you are NOT alone in this mess despite being in your own relationship with it's own issues. Hang in there. And if you need space- that's ok. Love you!