What If?

I know you're not supposed to play the "what if" game, but last week I had some conversations that have had me reeling ever since.

I realized that I don't like Husband and he doesn't like me. And I suddenly wondered what the hell are we doing? Why are we married? What are we hoping for at the end of this thing?

I've stayed married assuming that when the addiction is under control we'll get back to our happy loving and 'in love' selves and start enjoying each other again. But when I realized that he genuinely doesn't like me thus the constant avoidance and I'm not especially fond of him either, it all seemed so ludicrous. Why?!?!?! Why would we stay in this? I can't make him like me, what do I think will happen?

What if Husband gets his butt in recovery?
What if I stop picking on him?
What if he learns how to express himself again?
What if I figure out healthy boundaries?
What if we both just stop. it. and everything goes back to "normal"?

Then we're left with just us, and right now that's not looking very appealing. Which leaves us married to each other out of convenience.

And there I am again. Sitting on the sofa thinking what the hell?