Confidence in my Core

Self esteem or confidence or worth or value or whatever you want to call it, is something I've never been good at.

Which is strange because I think I'm a reasonably decent person. I have some excellent skills, I am intelligent, I can do things, and I am (often) capable of dealing with stuff that I would never dream I could deal with. I get promotions at work. I feel good about my ability to connect with people.

Sure I have insecurities. My body doesn't look or do what I want it to. I say awkward things. I'm not as gentle or reverent as I'd like to be.... But none of those are debilitating for me. I don't hate me, and I feel when I look at my life that I'm a relatively well balanced person.

But I still have this nagging feeling that I am not enough.

The strange part is that I don't feel like I have to work harder, do more, or be better. I'm fine with the things I'm doing and the skills I have. Even confident in those areas.

But today I was able to identify that feeling.

It is that I am not enough.

Take away all my skills, abilities, knowledge, experience, whatever. All of the things I'm confident about and I'm left with being just me. And that is not enough. The very core of me has no value.

Say I get hit by a bus, or have some horrible debilitating disease and spend all day every day on the couch drooling for the rest of my life while other people take care of me - I really don't know that I would be loveable. And I am confident that I would not be enough. Simply being isn't good enough.

A dear friend said the common words people like me hear all the time "you don't know who you are." but she said them with fire in her eyes and love in her soul. You should see this woman's eyes.

I'd like to blame my overachieving family (when in doubt, blame the root family - that's my motto) who taught me to focus on things we can do. Or show. Or recognize. I learned quickly how to work hard and do good things and even to feel good about my accomplishments.

But I still haven't learned who I am. When all of the rest is taken away. What is left at the very core of me?

Is it the part you throw away?

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Or is it that part that grows into something beautiful?

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