Getting Used to Disappointment

After Hell Year (2011-2012) I thought I'd never be satisfied with life again.

Ever.

I felt like I was living in a fog. I couldn't understand or see things that were happening. I couldn't see the next step I should take.

But slowly and gradually "things" got better. Not that Husband stopped acting out (he didn't) or that I stopped freaking out at him (I didn't) or that we were suddenly doing everything right (we aren't), but the intense feeling of constant despair started to lift. The questions and the doubts subsided. I started to breath again. And not just during yoga.

Now instead of the intense darkness, I feel like I am more fully seeing things as they are.

I have 2 beautiful boys. Beautiful loving exhausting boys.
I have compassion for people who struggle in all kinds of things because I see that they are just struggling. They are not bad or icky, they are struggling.
I live in a rundown dirty old house which I dearly love. Surrounded by neighbors and friends who I dearly love.
I have more patience and more kind words for my kids when they break things, melt down and disobey (again!).
I see the good in Husband. The qualities that made me love him in The Beginning.

But I also see much that is disappointing. The poor habits we both still have. The inability to behave like the grownups in the family and the lack of patience and compassion for each other.

Tonight there was a parenting blow-up after a lovely walk with some friends along the trail close by. Apparently I said something horrifyingly wrong to Husband. Something like "Hey Bud (3 years old), it's OK if you don't want to walk, I'll carry you. Husband, can you stop the stroller for a sec?" And he (Husband) hated me, shunned, me, slammed doors in my face (and Bud's) and told me I was disrespectful to him as a result.

I haven't been so mad or discusted or disappointed in him in a long time. I truly wanted to leave. I wanted to lock all the doors or run away while he was driving off steam. I couldn't (and can't) stand the thought of being in the same room as him. When he flies off the handle like that it's almost always because he's losing - or about to.

With my new (again) ability to see things I suppose I'm getting used to disappointment (again).