When I was a young girl I fought with my brother one Christmas Eve and my mom was horrified that we "ruined Christmas!!!" She had a meltdown we didn't see her for a while and when we did the guilt trip was enormous.
I hadn't intended to ruin Christmas. And while we were fighting I didn't realize that I was ruining Christmas for her. But afterward I felt bad (of course) and wished I could enjoy Chrismtas instead of feeling guilty. But every time I saw my mom and her disappointment I couldn't do anything but wallow in the guilt of my enormous error.
Husband lost on Christmas Eve. I still had a lovely holiday, but he was bitterly disappointed when my boundaries (hands off after loss!) still applied even though "it's Christmas!"
Then he lost again (he tends to hit a downward spiral immediately after loss) and was disappointed again when I held firm "even on New Year's Eve?...."
I feel bad for him, I get that he's disappointed, and I am too. I'd much rather feel close and connected to my Husband during holidays and special occasions. I'd much rather snuggle in close to him by the fire and feel safe and secure in his arms.
But the truth is: I don't. So I didn't.
But the other truth is Christmas wasn't ruined. I think I inherited some (ok a lot) of my mom's perfectionism. The inability to shrug off the bad and move on. So what if your kids fight with each other. They're kids? Let's open some presents and give thanks to each other.
I'm working hard on being able to isolate the heartbreak of addiction. Give it its proper place, then move on. Christmas Eve was a lovely holiday. We enjoyed time with family, continued on with our traditions and enjoyed being together. My children's eyes widened at the sight of presents, they tore wrapping paper and giggled. Husband was pleasantly surprised and we all played games to our hearts' content.
The place for disappointment was later, and I let it stay there instead of allowing it to seep into all of our other holiday joy.
In the meantime, perhaps my own personal Christmas gift from above, we have been blessed with Wonder-Bishop who has lit a fire under Husband that I haven't seen before. Husband is engaged and interested in overcoming addiction in a way he never has been before. I'm not at all confident it will last, but I am confident he's getting a taste of real change. And I hope he likes it enough to keep it up.
But if not, he's a good man, a good father, and a quite pleasant companion when he wants to be.
I'll take it.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Sunday, December 30, 2012
A Kind and Loving Bishop
We're new in our ward and I just received a calling. So when the secretary called and asked Husband to meet with the Bishop we knew it was his turn for a calling too.
He went in to meet with the new Bishop (who Husban hasn't gotten around to talking to about addiction stuff just yet) and came home to an anxious wife wondering how the meeting went.
The result?
No calling.
Just a concerned Bishop who wanted to get to know Husband better. His name had been thrown around, but because Husband works every other Sunday they hadn't really found a place for him and Bishop wanted to know more about his background. Bishop asked if he held a temple recommend and Husband spilled his guts.
Bishop offered some guidance and council. He told Husband that he wanted to be on his team. He expressed desire to help in any way he could and made it clear that Husband would not be falling through the cracks.
Husband came home feeling lighter and more free.
He feels supported and cared for.
He feels loved and appreciated.
He actually said the words "I don't really care who knows anymore....I just want to be done with it." He has never said that (or felt it) before.
I think this kind and loving Bishop acting for his kind and loving Heavenly Father has softened Husband's heart just a little. Husband is now aware that there are others out there with concern for him.
And it's amazing how far that goes.
Stay tuned for future developments.....
He went in to meet with the new Bishop (who Husban hasn't gotten around to talking to about addiction stuff just yet) and came home to an anxious wife wondering how the meeting went.
The result?
No calling.
Just a concerned Bishop who wanted to get to know Husband better. His name had been thrown around, but because Husband works every other Sunday they hadn't really found a place for him and Bishop wanted to know more about his background. Bishop asked if he held a temple recommend and Husband spilled his guts.
Bishop offered some guidance and council. He told Husband that he wanted to be on his team. He expressed desire to help in any way he could and made it clear that Husband would not be falling through the cracks.
Husband came home feeling lighter and more free.
He feels supported and cared for.
He feels loved and appreciated.
He actually said the words "I don't really care who knows anymore....I just want to be done with it." He has never said that (or felt it) before.
I think this kind and loving Bishop acting for his kind and loving Heavenly Father has softened Husband's heart just a little. Husband is now aware that there are others out there with concern for him.
And it's amazing how far that goes.
Stay tuned for future developments.....
A Buffalo I Killed: The Temple
I spent a lot of time in the temple last month.
I should clarify, a lot for me and there were days it broke my heart to go alone because I want more than anything to hold my sweetheart's hand in the celestial room knowing that the blessings of the temple and eternity apply to us.
But the vast majority of the time I simply LOVED being there. By myself. In the peace and quiet being taught by the spirit.
I loved to go multiple days in a row and see familiar faces of temple workers who I knew only because I was there the day before.
I loved to have built in study and prayer time. Silent. Calm. And mine.
I loved putting Husband's name on the prayer roll (role? roll?) along with other dear friends' and exercising my faith with others there on their behalf.
I loved coming home and bringing the spirit and the angels with me.
I loved learning different things from different ordinances.
I loved doing names from a ward member who needed help.
It was a beautiful experience to be there so much.
Once after doing sealings, the Sealer stopped me afterward and said "I hope you'll come back to do sealings again soon. You should bring your husband with you!" I told him I'd be back soon and bit my tongue about Husband. Of course I should bring him with me! I'd love nothing more. And I hoped with all my heart I could do exactly that. But the truth is that it isn't up to me.
Early in December Husband attended a temple sealing of a dear friend with me. He was worthy and it was beautiful. He mentioned more than once that he wanted to go do some work soon, but he's not so great with the planning and follow through and I am learning to be better at not taking over his good ideas. So I didn't say anything and he didn't go.
Then he lost.
And now he can't go.
I am trying desperately to find my place in his healing. To be supportive, but not take over. But now I wish I had planned my own temple day and simply invited him. It takes so much effort for me to leave him alone, that I fear I go too far and am not supportive. Like everything in life finding the balance is the most difficult part for me.
I believe the answer is that I'm not going to let his worthiness for a temple recommend influence my temple attendance. I will go when I need to and want to go. And he will do the same. I won't resent him when he can't or won't come and I won't force him when he can. I'll simply do what I know I need to do and trust that he'll do what he needs to do too. Even if what he needs looks different from what I need.
I should clarify, a lot for me and there were days it broke my heart to go alone because I want more than anything to hold my sweetheart's hand in the celestial room knowing that the blessings of the temple and eternity apply to us.
But the vast majority of the time I simply LOVED being there. By myself. In the peace and quiet being taught by the spirit.
I loved to go multiple days in a row and see familiar faces of temple workers who I knew only because I was there the day before.
I loved to have built in study and prayer time. Silent. Calm. And mine.
I loved putting Husband's name on the prayer roll (role? roll?) along with other dear friends' and exercising my faith with others there on their behalf.
I loved coming home and bringing the spirit and the angels with me.
I loved learning different things from different ordinances.
I loved doing names from a ward member who needed help.
It was a beautiful experience to be there so much.
Once after doing sealings, the Sealer stopped me afterward and said "I hope you'll come back to do sealings again soon. You should bring your husband with you!" I told him I'd be back soon and bit my tongue about Husband. Of course I should bring him with me! I'd love nothing more. And I hoped with all my heart I could do exactly that. But the truth is that it isn't up to me.
Early in December Husband attended a temple sealing of a dear friend with me. He was worthy and it was beautiful. He mentioned more than once that he wanted to go do some work soon, but he's not so great with the planning and follow through and I am learning to be better at not taking over his good ideas. So I didn't say anything and he didn't go.
Then he lost.
And now he can't go.
I am trying desperately to find my place in his healing. To be supportive, but not take over. But now I wish I had planned my own temple day and simply invited him. It takes so much effort for me to leave him alone, that I fear I go too far and am not supportive. Like everything in life finding the balance is the most difficult part for me.
I believe the answer is that I'm not going to let his worthiness for a temple recommend influence my temple attendance. I will go when I need to and want to go. And he will do the same. I won't resent him when he can't or won't come and I won't force him when he can. I'll simply do what I know I need to do and trust that he'll do what he needs to do too. Even if what he needs looks different from what I need.
Monday, December 24, 2012
A Buffalo I Killed: Triathlon
Again, impressive mostly just because I'm me.
I did a sprint triathlon. You don't know me (unless you do) but that is seriously impressive for a girl of my (short and squatty - mostly squatty) stature. I trained for it and I did it.
Slowly.
But I did it.
I recruited some friends to do it with me. And after doing the teeny tiniest baby one in the Spring, this fall I did a Sprint distance. Still not Olympic, it was a stretch for me.
Swim 350 yd (6 minutes....best part of the race and it was over in just 6 minutes)
Bike 13 miles
Run 3.4 miles
The friends who accompanied me were exceptional. They are awesome. They probably woulndn't have thought they could do it if I hadn't told them I was doing it. So I'm glad. A million times over glad that I did it.
I did a sprint triathlon. You don't know me (unless you do) but that is seriously impressive for a girl of my (short and squatty - mostly squatty) stature. I trained for it and I did it.
Slowly.
But I did it.
I recruited some friends to do it with me. And after doing the teeny tiniest baby one in the Spring, this fall I did a Sprint distance. Still not Olympic, it was a stretch for me.
Swim 350 yd (6 minutes....best part of the race and it was over in just 6 minutes)
Bike 13 miles
Run 3.4 miles
The friends who accompanied me were exceptional. They are awesome. They probably woulndn't have thought they could do it if I hadn't told them I was doing it. So I'm glad. A million times over glad that I did it.
Friday, December 21, 2012
6 months
July brought the fateful day when Husband and I decided that we HAD to give it 6 months with no talk of who was leaving who because one (or both) of us had had it with our crappy relationship.
Our 6 months is up and we both agree that we're happier than we've been in a long time.
Recovery wise Husband is doing almost nothing to maintain or achieve success. And it shows. And it's frustrating. BUT he has starting replacing one addiction with another. And he's now spending his spare time playing computer nerd games. So...there's that.
Recovery wise I am avoiding starting Step 4 like the plague because...well....it's step 4 and I'm terrified. But I keep feeling like I need to get it started. So, I attend my weekly 12 step meetings and get a little more courage every week to begin. I am doing a lot of other things to work on my own recovery, I'm making sure to spend time meeting my own needs and although they are teeny tiny baby steps and most of you would look at my habits and likely be disappointed, it's progress for me.
Relationship wise I'm giving a little and he's giving a little and we're both more committed than we've been since we got married. And we're having more fun than we've had in a long time. We're dating and playing and talking and having all kinds of fun.
Based on the serious lack of recovery stuff on his part and the tortise-like pace I'm taking I feel fully confident that this happy period won't last forever. And we certainly still have our bad days. But instead of having a few good days mingled in with the horror of regular life, we now have a few bad days mixed in with the fun and getting along.
Technically that's progress.
So I'll take it.
And I'll be eternally thankful for these last 6 months when I've been more willing (and able) to give our marriage all I had.
Our 6 months is up and we both agree that we're happier than we've been in a long time.
Recovery wise Husband is doing almost nothing to maintain or achieve success. And it shows. And it's frustrating. BUT he has starting replacing one addiction with another. And he's now spending his spare time playing computer nerd games. So...there's that.
Recovery wise I am avoiding starting Step 4 like the plague because...well....it's step 4 and I'm terrified. But I keep feeling like I need to get it started. So, I attend my weekly 12 step meetings and get a little more courage every week to begin. I am doing a lot of other things to work on my own recovery, I'm making sure to spend time meeting my own needs and although they are teeny tiny baby steps and most of you would look at my habits and likely be disappointed, it's progress for me.
Relationship wise I'm giving a little and he's giving a little and we're both more committed than we've been since we got married. And we're having more fun than we've had in a long time. We're dating and playing and talking and having all kinds of fun.
Based on the serious lack of recovery stuff on his part and the tortise-like pace I'm taking I feel fully confident that this happy period won't last forever. And we certainly still have our bad days. But instead of having a few good days mingled in with the horror of regular life, we now have a few bad days mixed in with the fun and getting along.
Technically that's progress.
So I'll take it.
And I'll be eternally thankful for these last 6 months when I've been more willing (and able) to give our marriage all I had.
Monday, September 24, 2012
A buffalo I killed
What's funny about this is that I began this post 2 months ago, then couldn't honestly think of anything impressive so I left it in my drafts hoping to do something impressive I could brag to you about. For the sake of honesty, I'm posting this incomplete and unimpressive list so that when I'm a regular Buffalo Bundy (ok, that wasn't funny....poor taste. Why can't I bring myself to delete it?) I can refer back to this to see how far I've come.
Now, the original post:
************************************************************
Here's hoping this is a regular feature on my blog. Because I have A LOT of work to do in the buffalo murderer area.
I depend far too much on the people around me. I resent it when people don't do what I think they should do.
And because buffalo killing (for me) is far more about my attitude than the behavior this might not be at all impressive to you, but I promise I'll only write what's impressive for me.
[insert graceful bow here]
Now, the original post:
************************************************************
Here's hoping this is a regular feature on my blog. Because I have A LOT of work to do in the buffalo murderer area.
- Packing and unpacking for camping. All of it. The equipment, the food (which I planned and shopped for) and the "stuff". That's a lot of work all the way around and with a child on each ankle, I feel like it was awesome.
- Costco. I hate Costco (and I love it too) I hate the giant carts you can't move around and the fact that there are never fewer than 9 million people in the way and that when you get home you can only haul one thing at a time up the stairs. And that the babies want to eat all the samples, and ride in the bottom of the cart, no the top of the cart, no your shoulders, no NO CART!!! So hauling the kids, bringing the stuff upstairs (even the stuff that could wait for the big strong man in my life to do it.) and I didn't hate Husband for not contributing.
- Making and breaking camp. The whole deal. Setting up tents, pack and play and rolling our foam pads tight enough to put away. Putting the babies to bed.
- Getting the kids ready for church on my own and still being plenty early.
[insert graceful bow here]
Friday, September 21, 2012
MIA
There have been some major life changes in our world since I last wrote, Husband got a job, we moved (in with my parents!) and life as I know it has been dumped on its head. I currently have 100 of your posts to read and heaven only knows how many thoughts I've failed to write.
But last night I walked in on something that had me all smiles and I can only share it here.
Husband's new job came with a long commute, one that was simply outside of reasonable for us. So we moved. Only we had nowhere to go and had to be out of our home. Because my parents live closest (by far) to the new job, we asked if we could occupy a couple of their unused basement bedrooms and found ourselves a storage unit.
My parents know about "The Problem" and my dad has been a source of comfort and counsel and love and support that was completely unexpected. Husband and Daddy have grown close in a way I never would have dreamed. The openness and honesty in their relationship and remaining mutual love and respect is admirable.
I stepped out for the evening and when I came home my children were asleep in bed and Husband and Daddy were sitting in the kitchen talking. I sortof crashed their party and silently (at least attempted silence) observed the way they spoke. They talked about the atonement, grace, addiciton in all its forms. They talked openly about sin and judgement. They frankly discussed the why and possible solutions.
The family I grew up in does not discuss problems. We talk about happy things and pretend the less-happy things don't exist. Especially if the less-happy things are caused by sin or error. And MOST ESPECIALLY if the sin and error are still happening. We typically like to slap a smile on our face and move on with life. And maybe in 10 years when it isn't a problem anymore we can bring it up in a "remember when" kind of way.
So to see this exchange between the two men I love and admire more than any others was a very big deal. Husband has been hiding the addiction for so long, and although I've heard him talk about it to Therapist I've never heard him discuss it with any other living soul. I was floored to listen to him.
He was using the words of someone in recovery. He was logical and detached. He sounded sober. (Which he is, 6 weeks now and he's a temple recommend holder.)
Sometimes I find it exceptionally easy to love him and feel confident in his abilities. This was one of those times.
But last night I walked in on something that had me all smiles and I can only share it here.
Husband's new job came with a long commute, one that was simply outside of reasonable for us. So we moved. Only we had nowhere to go and had to be out of our home. Because my parents live closest (by far) to the new job, we asked if we could occupy a couple of their unused basement bedrooms and found ourselves a storage unit.
My parents know about "The Problem" and my dad has been a source of comfort and counsel and love and support that was completely unexpected. Husband and Daddy have grown close in a way I never would have dreamed. The openness and honesty in their relationship and remaining mutual love and respect is admirable.
I stepped out for the evening and when I came home my children were asleep in bed and Husband and Daddy were sitting in the kitchen talking. I sortof crashed their party and silently (at least attempted silence) observed the way they spoke. They talked about the atonement, grace, addiciton in all its forms. They talked openly about sin and judgement. They frankly discussed the why and possible solutions.
The family I grew up in does not discuss problems. We talk about happy things and pretend the less-happy things don't exist. Especially if the less-happy things are caused by sin or error. And MOST ESPECIALLY if the sin and error are still happening. We typically like to slap a smile on our face and move on with life. And maybe in 10 years when it isn't a problem anymore we can bring it up in a "remember when" kind of way.
So to see this exchange between the two men I love and admire more than any others was a very big deal. Husband has been hiding the addiction for so long, and although I've heard him talk about it to Therapist I've never heard him discuss it with any other living soul. I was floored to listen to him.
He was using the words of someone in recovery. He was logical and detached. He sounded sober. (Which he is, 6 weeks now and he's a temple recommend holder.)
Sometimes I find it exceptionally easy to love him and feel confident in his abilities. This was one of those times.
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