Common Goals and Magic Moments

Over the past 6 weeks Huband and I have experienced a few magic moments.

They've come out of the blue, the same crappy feeling the day before and the day after.
The same fights.
The same concerns.
The same worries and fears and hurts.

Then suddenly, we have a magic moment.
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The first was on a Sunday. We were wrestling (who were being just as rotten as they know how) during church and I returned from the hallways with the whiny-tired-hangry 2-year-old plopping on the pew between us. My 4-year-old brrrrmmmm'd his car right up the little ones' toes and the howling started fresh. As I tried to calm the screamer, Husband caught my eye, smiled and distracted the brrrrrm-er.

There we were, living our regular mess of a life. Nothing was easy or fixed or safe, but it felt that way. We smiled at each other and held hands through the rest of church and that easy feeling of togetherness continued through the day.

This was the first time I felt like myself in longer than I care to admit. Everything was just fun and easy and stress-free. It. Was. Magic.
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The 2nd happened in a similar circumstance. As one child started barfing in the night I buckled down getting emotionally ready for a sleepless night of comforting and cleaning on my own.

But then Husband got himself out of bed to help. He started laundry while I soothed The Barfer, and when the 2nd one lost it, Husband helped with that too. We were up most of the night, running barf bowls back and forth trying to keep the laundry progressing. We comforted and cringed together. Again he caught my eye and we felt the magic.
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So I asked my Shrink why.

I didn't wake up that morning and decide to be a better wife or to make special effort or to "increase intimate interactions". I didn't even decide to be especially kind or forgiving to him that day. It just happened.

Honestly I think it was a gift from God. I've spend much of the past 6 weeks wondering whether there is anything worth fighting for between us. Or if I'm foolishly holding on for something that will ultimately leave both of us disappointed.

After a conversation with Shrink that offered me almost zero answers, I think I finally get what he was saying. Those moments were about common goals. Something we seriously lack otherwise.

He suggests that setting goals together matters. And is in fact essential to success as a couple.

This idea has been rolling around in my brain for a few weeks, but I've been hesitant to even discuss it with Husband because it requires way too much vulnerability for me.

I don't trust him to be careful or considerate of my ideas of what we'd like.
I don't trust him to come up with good ideas of his own. (Because "more sex" is not a worthy goal in my mind.)
I don't trust him to work toward our common goals with me.
I don't trust him to stop letting me down.

But that's going to have to change. I'm going to have a(nother) hard conversation and see where we stand. Perhaps we are working for more of the same things than I think.

Like:

• raising happy healthy children
• being financially stable
• enjoying each other and having a strong relationship
• living in a world where we spend more money on groceries than therapy

So I'm curious, what are your common goals? With your husband? Your kid? Your family? Do you have them? Are the written or just understood? Have you done this?

Feeling It

I wrote a guest post for the good people at Lehi Lifestar.

Come join me over there, because the truth is, we're all feeling it, aren't we?

I Used to be Known for Games

Husband and I liked to play a lot of board games. Card games. Dice games. Strategy or speed. It didn't really matter, we loved them all.

We'd move into a new neighborhood, find the people who wanted to play like us and we'd make fast friends. Then those friends would say "oooh you should meet the Smiths! They love to play games too!" and we'd connect with the Smith's and everyone would have a good day.

We don't play games as much these days, and though we both miss it, I'm sure it will be some time before we get into that again.

These days when someone says "there's someone I want you to meet" or an old friend I haven't talked to for a while wants to know when we can get together "to talk" I know what's coming.

My mom knows someone who is married to a porn addict and they think they're the only ones.
My friend's son is headed down that path and she wants my perspective.
My dad's students can't seem to get married because the men are all addicted and the women want to marry in the temple.
My old college roommate is suddenly wants to hang out. 

People used to introduce me to other people for fun things, but I swear I haven't made a new friend who wasn't a porn friend in at least 2 years.

Fortunately for me, porn friends are my favorite ones. Yes you.

But every now and then I'm sad that the only reason a person would want to hang out with me is because I get it. What about fun me? Will she ever be back?

Insert Proper Response Here

Last night I threw a major fit about something that looked stupid but was very real to me.

"I found a piece of furniture that I want and it's free" I told him.
"I think this is a really bad time to get more stuff." he responded "aren't we supposed to be getting RID of stuff?"
Rewind. We're moving. Our landlord didn't give us much notice because he's sortof a jerk and we have until the end of the month (that's right, thanksgiving weekend) to find a place, pack up and move.
"It's FREE." Sometimes I don't listen to what he's saying because I already think I know what his objection will be. (money. or sex - though sex doesn't apply here.)
"But we have to put it in the moving truck which will already be full of all our crap. And that was BEFORE you bought a piano - now there's no way it will fit. I don't want to move MORE stuff."


I entered my familiar tirade about how I'm on my own and I can't count on him and blah blah blah.

The insults and personal attacks shot out of my mouth like bullets.

"It's not a big deal, I will pick it up, I will stick it in the garage until moving day, I will ask our home teachers to personally put it on the truck when we move so you don't have to do an ounce of work" I started....then picked up steam  "because that's exactly how you want to live your life! NOT doing ANYthing. EVER! Which leaves me to be responsible for everything" I accused.
"If I want something done why do I always have to be the one to make it happen?"
"Why can't you just be happy for the work I do!"
"You're selfish and lazy!!!"
"Why can't you accept it when good things come into our life?" I threw in for good measure.

When I was done, Husband said "I don't really want to do this pattern, can we just talk about it instead?"

And I told him no. I was totally unwilling to discuss it as long as he was being a jackass.

I am entitled to my feelings. I'm allowed to be triggered. I have earned well the feeling of being abandoned and alone and solely responsible for making good happen in our lives.
 I have learned that when I'm mad and have plenty of ammunition I don't HAVE to pretend to be calm and sane and have a reasonable conversation. I don't have to bite my tongue so hard it bleeds.
I can take time and space to calm down on my own, in another place where I can do whatever I have to do. I'm allowed to feel how I feel without deciding if it's reasonable or not.

But I realize today exactly what They all meant when They said "just work on you because you can't control him". I literally smacked myself in the forehead out of anger when I attended 12 step meetings and women further along in this process told me "you didn't cause it, it isn't your fault and all you can do is come to these meetings to work on yourself."

Because if it isn't my fault why am I the one sitting in a meeting every week? Why do I have to work on me when he's the one ruining our lives? Why isn't HE doing anything?

This is why: this experience has given me a stockpile of heavy ammunition - negative and out of control feelings, thoughts and beliefs - about both of us. The little things are big because they represent the big things.
That's what I have to work on now. I've never had reason to learn to be kind to someone I'm so mad at because I've never been so mad before. I've never been betrayed like this and I've never had so much ammo available to me. 

Today, working on me means gaining control of my humanity and learning to hold back rather than emptying my clip just because I have it.

But that takes me working on me.

Do Whatever You Want

I recently taught an organizing workshop to the Relief Society in my ward. (Relief Society=women ward=local congregation) It was intimidating to do because I'm not technically an expert. I'm just sortof a pain in the ass to live with.

But there I was. Teaching an organizing workshop.

At the beginning of the class I told them that I was going to give them a whole bunch of specific rules and ideas for things. I was going to tell them about processes that work for me. And I made them solemnly swear that they wouldn't take it as truth if it stressed them out. That ultimately they would do whatever they hell they wanted.

So I wrote down rule #1 at the top of the chalkboard.

Do whatever you want.

And it was the theme of the night.

I feel like I learned Rule #1 here. In WoPA land.

We all ask for advice because we don't have a clue what to do. We want advice from everybody around us. What worked? What didn't? Why? What should I do in a similar situation?
In organization it was what do you do with all the nerf darts? And where do you store the 9 million "crafts" made out of construction paper?

I have answers for all that - but they only work for me because of my current emotional state and circumstances.

So when I said "horizontal surfaces are not storage facilities, they are for decorations only." and "it can't be in your home if it isn't functional or beautiful." I pointed to "but do whatever you want!" (because we don't say "hell" at church....even if we mean it.)

And when I spout my infinite wisdom here (and live, in person) I always want to say "stop having sex! have more sex! leave him! stay and wait! Get therapy! screw therapy! but do whatever the hell you want!" Because what do I know about you and where you are and what you should do? Who am I to tell you how to live? answer: nobody.

I definitely need a good sounding board, and I've had excellent advice from many many sources (but mostly WoPAs) and I'll be forever grateful for the tips, advice and support offered.

But it only works when I'm doing what I want.

Sometimes

Sometimes I hate people with thoughtful husbands.

Music

Husband becoming oblivious to the obvious needs around him (crying children, burning food, house on fire...ok maybe not house on fire....) is an enormous trigger to me. It's maddening because it just seems so selfish. So uninvolved. So....withdrawn.

So when I bought a piano (without his permission - do you know me in real life? It's a sortof funny story you can read on my real life blog if you want. Boom! Buffalo dead.) I was a teeny tiny bit concerned that he'd have a tendency to just play his heart out and withdraw into the piano a bit.

At the same time I hoped he would get some emotional relief and use it as a healthy way to cope with stress.

But mostly I bought it for me. Because it's MY piano. And I love it.


I read music. And I practice. I run drills and go over the same 5 measures until I can do it perfectly 3 times in a row, then I allow myself to move on. I love the feeling of having 'mastered' a song and working through the hard parts. 

Husband plays the piano by ear. He'll take a piece of music, struggle for the first few notes just to get the key and main chords down, then take off doing his own thing that sounds sortof a little bit similar to the song he started with.

It's an entirely different skill. And one that I envy.

Because this morning after a particularly painful night for both of us, he finally sat down at the piano, and what came out was our song.

And my babies came running, and we danced together while daddy played the piano.

I'd like to tell you that all the hurt and anger and sorrow melted away - but that's just not true. So I can't.
I'd like to tell you that we have suddenly realized that this piano has solved our problems and he now knows what to do with shame and hurt and stress - but that's also not true.

But what I can tell you is that for moment this morning, we all enjoyed each other.