Ma'am?

The other night it all went to hell. My kids and my husband all demanded too much from me and I lost it and ran away.

Too many requests.
Too much touching.
Too many tears.

The weep and wailing were too loud and the gnashing of teeth was just beginning.

So I grabbed my keys, recited my "I can't do this, I need space" line and left.

With no purse and no shoes, I wasn't ready to go out in public. The sun was long gone and I couldn't exactly go for a walk.

So I drove.

17 year old me took over and I drove to the local make-out point with stunning views of the valley and stars that never end.

In a minivan.
Alone.
With no shoes on.
Sobbing the whole way.

When I got there I pointed the van at the valley and turned off the car. I opened my phone and stared into the hypnotic blue glow. And I cried for all the things I feel I've lost.

Right on the cue the rain started to fall, and I rolled down the window to breath in the deliciously wet air.

That's when I saw a figure walking toward the car in the rearview mirror. but not in an ax murderer kind of way...

When he got to my open window the officer announced his presence. "Ma'am. Are you OK?"

"Yes, just trying to calm down after a long hard day." I tried to explain through my blubbering.

"Well the park is technically closed. But I'm sure it won't be a problem if you stay here and enjoy the view a little longer. ....." awkward pause "Is there anything the police force can do for you tonight?"

I assured him I'd be fine, and that I wasn't making out with anyone, and that I'd go home well before dawn.
He assured me I could stay as long as I want.

And after he left I started to laugh. Because I suddenly realized how stupid it must seem to any sane and well adjusted adult. Alone in a minivan in the middle of the night crying in the rain? Pathetic.

But to my little WoPA heart it was all just a regular Wednesday night.

One foot out the door

I feel his absence all the time.

He's mentally unaware of things that go on in our family.
He spends A LOT of time working.
He obsesses over money so he can pick up extra jobs and extra shifts.
He volunteers to help with things. Good things. But extra things just the same.
He looks for things to do to keep him busy.

Busy.
Away.
Unavailable.

I knew all that, but him saying "I like to stand by the door so I can leave quickly when I want to." still felt like a punch in the gut.

That's where he is. Exactly where he is. One foot out the door.

Which contributes to this lonely feeling. Like I am solely responsible for our life. The life we created - Our Littles. Our home. Our friends, neighbors, jobs. It's all on me. Because if he doesn't like what he's seeing, he's out. He's halfway out even when he's in.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I leave when it's overwhelming for me too. My recently discovered right to personal space has me overusing my car keys perhaps. When it all gets crazy here and I can't get space at home, I grab my keys the shoes nearest the door and I bolt. 
Sometimes I shop, or enjoy the view at our local makeout point, and always I come back, but I'm sure it's no picnic for him when I simply throw my hands up in the air and run. Somehow I feel justified in leaving because I had more steps to take to get out.

Though I suppose gone is gone. Isn't it? 

Just Him

I spent 16 straight hours connecting with real people who I really love.

I learned real things.
I felt real love.
I knew I had support.
And validation.
And connection.
And absolutely nothing to be lonely about.

But at the end of it, I got in my car (alone) and cried. Because none of it was with Husband. And that's who I want to have real love and support and validation and connection and real with. As much as I love the others, the relationship that matters the most to me has none of those things.

It was a beautiful day with new friends and old. I was genuinely happy to be there.

But at the end of the day, I just want all of that with the man I share my life with.

That's what makes it lonely.

*************************************************

It's a strange sensation to have a life changing day, then come home to everything being the same.

I feel different, I learned things, I'm ready to try something new....
 .....but I came home to the same old stuff.  Nothing new here. Same lonely. Same pain. Same bad habits. Same petty problems.

*************************************************

What If?

I know you're not supposed to play the "what if" game, but last week I had some conversations that have had me reeling ever since.

I realized that I don't like Husband and he doesn't like me. And I suddenly wondered what the hell are we doing? Why are we married? What are we hoping for at the end of this thing?

I've stayed married assuming that when the addiction is under control we'll get back to our happy loving and 'in love' selves and start enjoying each other again. But when I realized that he genuinely doesn't like me thus the constant avoidance and I'm not especially fond of him either, it all seemed so ludicrous. Why?!?!?! Why would we stay in this? I can't make him like me, what do I think will happen?

What if Husband gets his butt in recovery?
What if I stop picking on him?
What if he learns how to express himself again?
What if I figure out healthy boundaries?
What if we both just stop. it. and everything goes back to "normal"?

Then we're left with just us, and right now that's not looking very appealing. Which leaves us married to each other out of convenience.

And there I am again. Sitting on the sofa thinking what the hell?

Where Do I Want Him?

After another epic therapy session today I'm left with a lot of deep dark soul searching questions. I have a lot of writing and searching and wondering to do. And I'm an itty bit terrified of the answers. But I finally feel like I really WANT the answers. So I'll dive in and do it even if I'm afraid.

Lousy good for nothing fear.

But one question from our session today is still rolling around in the back of mind. We talked about where I want Husband. If I could place him anywhere in the room, where would I want him?

I looked around the room and saw all kinds of places I didn't want him. (in the far corner, on the table in front of me)
I knew the "right" answer which was totally wrong. (on the sofa next to me)
I knew the wrong answers which made me nervous just thinking about them.

But it took a few minutes before I found a place for him that was comfortable for me.

I finally did. I wanted him standing near the sofa. Not facing me, but facing Therapist's chair.

The obvious insight it provided was quite valuable for me. I feel safe with him at a distance working on whatever he needs to work on. Not looking to me for answers or too close. Not shunned with his face against a wall on the other side of the room. But also not right next to me working on what he needs to work on. Right now I need distance.

Unfortunately it didn't answer all my questions and it isn't my ultimate goal, and I'm still not sure how to change the way I feel about it and how to get more comfortable with having him where I really want him.....

In the meantime I was surprised by the answer, and thankful for the insight.

But now I'm curious: where is your husband? And where do you want him to be?

Porn Wife Training

Through the last few years, I've gone through some pretty rigorous Porn Wife Training. My favorite of which is *Addo Recovery. I've learned new ways to deal with old habits and as a result my life has become more manageable. I've learned basic survival skills for any WoPA.

 *disclaimer learning and implementing are different things

How to practice self care
Setting and enforcing boundaries
Avoiding triggers
Dealing with triggers
Finding support
Identifying problems
Stopping the mind chatter
Seeing through the garbage
Working through conflict
Communication and all that regular marriage crap

It's all been geared toward Husband and the porn and sexual addiction. It's all geared toward our relationship. And the thing I have in common with all my best support people is this piece.

Then I step out of porn wife mode and deal with regular problems. Typically that isn't rocket science and doesn't take a great deal of training. But every now and then I hit one that makes me think "I've learned this in my Porn Wife Training. What was the answer again?"

But too often, it's out of context and it isn't until later that I realize my Porn Wife Training would have come in handy.

This weekend I spent and unreasonable amount of time with my sisters. And during one long deep talk late at night (a recipe for disaster) I was triggered in a big way.
I felt inferior and judged.
I felt stupid and hurt.
I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole.
I was mad and embarrassed and so so sad.

I could feel the tears stuck in my throat. They burned the back of my eyes and my breathing started to sound like panting. And true to my tried and true pattern, I withdrew. 

With the perspective time always brings, now I see it for what it was. I see the appropriate and relatively simple responses I could have used. It's now clear that I could have spoken. Although I felt it, I wasn't paralyzed.

That's the thing about Porn Wife Training.

For me, it's really just Life Training.

*If you're new to the game, or old to the game; you want new tricks to deal with your addict, or your mother in law; maybe you just want to feel the illusive peace that people around you seem to experience; no matter the reason or the phase you're currently in, I cannot recommend Addo Recovery highly enough.
If you'd like to hear pieces of other women's stories, you can see these incredible women who have shared.

My Badge of Courage

When Husband and I went through infertility crap I was very open with pretty much everyone about our struggles. My heart was breaking and it was so comforting to know that people were praying for me, helping me, and thinking about me. Because I was able to share with them, there weren't any judging "why don't you have kids yet" questions or stares.They knew what was happening and that my heart was broken, they were gentle with me.

I was immediately adopted into the infertility club. A small group of women who were experiencing the same childless heartache though all of us for different reasons. We all earned badges of courage in that group.

Then surprisingly I got pregnant. 

And suddenly it was like I couldn't possibly understand the pain of all my infertile friends. Though nobody ever said anything directly, I didn't fit in that group anymore. I was stripped of my badge.

While there are similarities, this kind of heartbreak is so very different.

I never dreamed I'd feel so alone. I couldn't imagine Husband being the reason my heart was breaking and my dreams were shattered. I wouldn't explain this to anyone, and in general people in my life don't know to pray for me and withhold judgement. I get snappy remarks and unknowingly cutting remarks.

Then I found a group of women and I immediately felt a part of a "hard life" club again. Prayers and support and love and acceptance and so SO much understanding.

But every now and then I feel as if my story is inadequate.

In a world filled with horrifying and heartbreaking stories of infidelity and addiction, it's easy to compare our stories and feel as if I haven't earned my badge. It's easy to question if Husband's behavior really merits all of the ache. It's hard not  to wonder if the friends I love so dearly are looking at me and thinking about how good I have it, wondering what I'm whining about.

But every now and then, when I have the opportunity to talk to people who aren't immersed in addiction and recovery and the horribly awful world of porn, I feel validated. I feel like I'm earning my badge. I feel like this trial in my life is legitimate. And it's OK for me to feel all of the betrayal and heartache I feel.