I read a letter to my grandpa from his mom during his mission this week.
He had some medical problems which disqualified him for military service, the medical problems were terrifying and intense. But through a series of small miracles, he was able to serve a mission.
When he had been out for nearly a year, he got sick again. And in the days of mail and post offices as primary means of communication, his mom didn't know about it for some time. He received a letter from her in which she expressed her concern over not hearing from him for a while; then referenced her most recent news from his mission president that he was in excellent health. Then wrote off her worry.
She hadn't been told by anyone, but he was very ill when she wrote that letter.
I haven't read the next letter yet - but I can only assume what her feelings were like when she found out.
I should have known. I know better than to trust that everything is OK!
Why didn't they tell me sooner?
Why did I doubt myself?
When will I stop feeling so foolish?
I know these feelings all too well. As soon as I say all is well, I am immediately proven wrong.
Which is why I refuse to tell you that things are going well. Also why I refuse to believe it myself. At least lately. I don't want to be a fool.
But I have to wonder, am I missing out on something (peace? calm? happiness?) by just assuming everything is bad? Or am I intelligently keeping my hopes and dreams under control?
Fine line.
You are no fool, any more than a bishop is who doesn't know all of the things that the members of his ward are doing. You are definitely not a fool.
ReplyDeleteThis post comes to mind. I think the song captures the idea that maybe there's a third option?
ReplyDeletehttp://diaryofasparrow.blogspot.com/2013/01/fearless-and-strong-enough.html
I am definitely the same way. I think it is a way we protect ourselves. I told my husband that each time he tells me he is doing well, I don't really believe him. I smile and say that's great while inside I'm reminding myself to gear up for the next confession. I'm not sure if I'm missing out. During my husband's last round of job interviews we let ourselves get really excited. It all came crashing down when he didn't get the job. I actually think it's easier to be realistic and wait until he actually gets a job before getting excited. You know?
ReplyDeleteGod hath not given me the Spirit of fear, but of power and love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
ReplyDeleteTrust in the Lord and fear not. He will never steer you wrong:)
The fearless and strong post opened my eyes and helped me see that when I feel weak an foolish, I can let go and let God and he help me be strong enough to carry on.
Hugs!