Sunshine and Rainbows

I don't need to tell you that life is not all sunshine and rainbows no matter where you are or who people think you are.

But I have recently been reminded (a lot) that the opposite of my trials and the things I pray for all day every day are not always easy either.

Before my beautiful boys were born Husband and I had some fertility problems. My heart broke every time I saw another person with a baby or a belly. I cried at family get togethers as the only married and childless person there. I avoided people at church. I felt uncomfortable everywhere and I wondered what was wrong with me. I cringed when someone whined about being up all night with a newborn. Didn't they know what a blessing that was? I'd gladly go months - years without sleep! Just to hold my own child in my arsm. Why couldn't I have a baby - why couldn't I have the life I wanted?

Then my little brother got his girlfriend pregnant.

I love Little Brother and my heart went out to him as soon as I heard the news. He loved his girlfriend, but just out of high school he certainly wasn't ready for a family. He was missing out on the care free young adult experience. He was embarrassed and felt like a failure. He was scared of what came next. He didn't know how to make the enormous decisions ahead of him.

The answer to my prayers were a very real trial for someone else in a different situation.

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Right now I feel robbed of so very many blessings in my life because of Husband's unworthiness and lack of commitment to the Gospel.

My sister is married to someone who is (and to my knowledge) always has been worthy and commited. He serves in the Bishopric, he attends every meeting and activity and spends nearly all of his supposed free time being commited to the church. He is a busy busy man. And with 3 little ones; his activity, worthiness, and dedication are a challenge to her. Don't get me wrong, she doesn't complain or whine or pity herself, but I know it's hard to be the sole provider for every child's needs all day every day.

It's hard to sit alone every week in church no matter the reason.
It's hard to do all of the house, yard, and child work - even if it's because your husband is off doing things you approve of.
It's hard to be alone no matter where your husband is mentally or physically.

Having a worthy and willing husband may be the answer to my prayers, but that doesn't make it easy for anyone else.

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And that's exactly why it's important for me to be able to kill my own buffalo.

No matter the reason for Husband's absense on the buffalo killing front, it's up to me to be sure that I have what I need.

So I'll read my own scriptures, say my own prayers and keep my own covenants. I'll follow inspiration and learn lessons from my life experiences.

All while realizing that these are things I need to do regardless of his choices.