Togetherness Spring 2014

Remember last time The Togetherness Project had a conference? How it was all amazing and changed people lives and stuff?


Well, we're taking that show on the road, and going to Phoenix in April! (And just in case you wondered I hate that it's Phoenix, because I cannot spell that word correctly on my first try. Ever.)






Early registration (by February 2nd) is only $85. So if you're planning to attend, register now and work out the details later.

I hope I see you there! (If you're planning to be there, e-mail me! Let's get to know each other beforehand.) And please share this info with the people you love. Groups, therapists, friends, family, strangers...

In My Middle

I've had a post "in draft" for about 6 months about my theories on detaching and the danger in it.

I knew it would be unpopular, and to be honest I wasn't even sure if what I was claiming was true. So it's been sitting in draft.

I'm still not sure that my theories are universal. And I AM sure that I've worded it in a way that is offensive and/or triggery, so I'm not publishing that drafted post.

BUT you guys. This is working for me.

6 months ago as a therapy exercise I diagrammed my "circles of intimacy". This exercise just has a few concentric circles, like this:

 

The assignment was (is) to put people/things/activities where they belonged with the center circle being the most intimate. 

First, I did the assignment as my life was that day. The things which took most of my time, worry, love, attention in the center, each following ring representing a lower level of intimacy. It was a very very full center. It included many things I care a lot about. It included many people I felt close to. But it was too full, not enough room for the things I wanted to be in my center. 

Then I did the assignment as I wanted it to be. And tried to decide how I'd make that happen. My center included only Husband and God. It felt idealistic and a bit foolish, but it was how I wanted to feel.

Fast-forward through months of therapy, many breakdowns, panic attacks, fights with people I love and many many many relapses. Though I was still actively working on "things" with Husband, I mostly forgot that assignment.

This week, I watched a video by Brene Brown where she talks about the people who have earned the right to hear her story. People she trusts and people with whom she has real (though she didn't use this word) intimacy. She invited us to decide who those people are for us, and the only person who came to mind immediately was Husband. As I pictured myself writing his name on that assignment paper, I saw my "circles of intimacy" assignment come back and  I realized that it has happened. He has moved from WAAAY outside my inner circle, fighting for time and attention to the middle.

I don't trust him completely with everything. He still says things that make me cringe and back off. I still hurt his feelings and he hurts mine. 

But he is in my middle. 

So I sobbed with gratitude that this is working. I'm done detaching and trying to keep him at a distance. Instead I'm being vulnerable, real, and putting myself in a scary position. A position to be hurt (again). I no longer kick him out of my house, heart and life. Instead I open up to him.

And it's working.

A New Perspective

As always, I'm learning new things about addict relationships.

As always, I'm hoping that these things I'm learning now are the absolute truths that will change our relationship forever. I have high hopes this time, though I'm also certain that I will never ever have it all figured out. 

After my extremely validating WoPA night followed by my anxiety-producing family night there was a bit of a disconnect between Husband and me. Today in therapy we talked about that. And do you know what? I don't have a clue what WoPA night is like for Husband. I know that I typically leave the house as soon as possible because I'm excited to get out and start the party with my people. Then I know that I sneak into bed next to him around 2 or 3am and I know what happens the next day. But I don't have a clue what it's like for him while I go out. I rarely bother to ask because it's eeeeearly in the morning and we both ought to be sleeping. 

I imagine it's hard for him. I know he assumes it's a lot of husband bashing (who wouldn't assume that given the nature of our connection?) and I can't blame him. It isn't, but that doesn't really matter because he probably worries. But I don't know,

Did the kids go to bed nicely? 

Did he wonder what to tell them when they asked where I was? 

In the quiet of the empty house did he wonder what I was saying about him? 

Did he worry that I was getting a lot of "freeze him out" strategies to try? 

Did he feel abandoned? Hurt? Alone?

Did he feel bad for putting me in this circle?
Did he wonder if we'd make it through this together?
Did he think about acting out to deal with that stress?

Did he feel stupid knowing that I was sharing intimate details of our life and his most foolish choices?

I don't know the answers to most of those questions, because they'd never occurred to me before. But I intend to find out what it's like for him.

This is what therapy is doing for me. It's helping me see him, notice him, and care for him - even when I think I have a right not to.

Not the Same Thing

We're not even 3 weeks into the new year and I've already been able to hang out with my WoPA friends more times this year than I did during the first whole year of knowing them.

I'm getting a little spoiled, and I'm growing more and more thankful to know the people I know. 

So on Saturday night I (again) sat in the living room in a circle of the most beautiful courageous and strong women I know. Some I had met before, many I hadn't. We introduced ourselves and we each told a bit of our story. Every time I'm in a group that does this I am amazed by the strength and courage of the women in the circle. Without fail I am inspired by their choices.

24 hours later I joined with a few family members and close friends as we started a Brene Brown e-course. We all mostly know each other, but my family typically keeps relationships superficial, so a course of this kind is going to be a stretch. As a couple of family friends introduced themselves to each other and to "the group" (just 6 of us) I felt the love for them. But I wondered, what piece of their story is missing? I kept waiting for someone to say "my name is Jane and I'm married to a porn addict, I first found out......." and tell the "other" parts of their lives. 

2 of the people doing this course with me know about the addiction, but the others do not and I don't think they should right now. But as I sat in that circle waiting for something REAL to happen, I had to bite my tongue to keep from starting it myself. "Hi, my name is Buffalo and I'm married to a porn addict. And I KILL BUFFALOS because I hate porn!"

I didn't do it, and I don't think I will. We'll have plenty of opportunity to discuss the underlying real things: joy, judgement, shame, love, anxiety, heartbreak, disappointment and hope. I'll quote my WoPA friends, and share our collective theories. And in the back of my mind I'll be thinking of my porn experiences, my dearest WoPA friends, and all the things I learn will relate primarily to this. 

 

I think keeping this group a bit more surface level is OK. Because I have my WoPA circle. 

Do you have a WoPA circle? If not, join mine. It just might make all the difference for you to sit in the safest circles I've ever known.