In My Middle

I've had a post "in draft" for about 6 months about my theories on detaching and the danger in it.

I knew it would be unpopular, and to be honest I wasn't even sure if what I was claiming was true. So it's been sitting in draft.

I'm still not sure that my theories are universal. And I AM sure that I've worded it in a way that is offensive and/or triggery, so I'm not publishing that drafted post.

BUT you guys. This is working for me.

6 months ago as a therapy exercise I diagrammed my "circles of intimacy". This exercise just has a few concentric circles, like this:

 

The assignment was (is) to put people/things/activities where they belonged with the center circle being the most intimate. 

First, I did the assignment as my life was that day. The things which took most of my time, worry, love, attention in the center, each following ring representing a lower level of intimacy. It was a very very full center. It included many things I care a lot about. It included many people I felt close to. But it was too full, not enough room for the things I wanted to be in my center. 

Then I did the assignment as I wanted it to be. And tried to decide how I'd make that happen. My center included only Husband and God. It felt idealistic and a bit foolish, but it was how I wanted to feel.

Fast-forward through months of therapy, many breakdowns, panic attacks, fights with people I love and many many many relapses. Though I was still actively working on "things" with Husband, I mostly forgot that assignment.

This week, I watched a video by Brene Brown where she talks about the people who have earned the right to hear her story. People she trusts and people with whom she has real (though she didn't use this word) intimacy. She invited us to decide who those people are for us, and the only person who came to mind immediately was Husband. As I pictured myself writing his name on that assignment paper, I saw my "circles of intimacy" assignment come back and  I realized that it has happened. He has moved from WAAAY outside my inner circle, fighting for time and attention to the middle.

I don't trust him completely with everything. He still says things that make me cringe and back off. I still hurt his feelings and he hurts mine. 

But he is in my middle. 

So I sobbed with gratitude that this is working. I'm done detaching and trying to keep him at a distance. Instead I'm being vulnerable, real, and putting myself in a scary position. A position to be hurt (again). I no longer kick him out of my house, heart and life. Instead I open up to him.

And it's working.