Deliver all day, every day. From then throughout eternity.
Dear Me,
It. Will. All. Be. OK. Say it with me now.
It will all be OK. All of it.
Trust that.
Love,
Me
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Faith in the Process
I spoke with a sister in my neighborhood earlier this week who surprised me by opening up with some pretty personal details of her life.
She has been married 10 years and is ridiculously madly in love with her husband. She's always ooing and ahhhing over everything he does and there are posts on facebook and blogs which make me bite my tongue and remember that some people might genuinely be that happy.
But here's the thing: she cheated. Long story which isn't mine to tell, but the bottom line is their relationship wasn't so great, and she fell into another that was so great. And when they finally decided to tell she was sure her loving and devoted husband would take their 3 kids and run.
But he didn't.
They set some boundaries, they recognized that they had a choice and they worked their tiny tushies off to make it right. They were members of the church, but not so active. They have just recently been through the temple and been sealed to their kids.
The first time I talked with her she told me she was pretty inactive, but that she was trying. So from the perspective of most members she's not doing what she should. But in real life, she is converted in a way that many members only hope to be. She has a testimony that simply cannot be shaken.
We talked of faith that night. This is a woman of faith. She hoped and prayed that they would make it through their ugly ugly hardships. She hardly dared ask for the blessings she has received. But through her life experiences, she knows the Power of God. She knows what can happen and what people can overcome. She understands the atonement.
And when she posts something ridiculously sappy about how perfect her husband is, it's because she is amazed every day that he stuck with her. She honestly thinks that much of him and is legimitely glad they are together.
I told her about some things Husband and I are going through (job issues for Husband, I'm going back to work and leaving my kids for the first time) and she told me to simply have faith in the process. Trust that God has a plan for me and that if I'm following the promptings I seek out, I will be doing what I should. It might not look the way I think it should, and I might have to do hard things (duh) but the process is the point.
I look at her and remember that we're each somewhere in our progression and it doesn't really matter where. I'm not mad at or disappointed by my 10 month old for crawling instead of walking or grunting instead of speaking. I simply understand that he is in a different place than I am developmentally.
Likewise I am not disappointmed in this dear sister when she doesn't show up at church on Sunday. I simply know that she is in a different place - one I may or may not experience. And one day she'll make it a habit to be there.
I hope that she can look at me and not be disappointed with my struggle to recognize promptings or get my own answers or have the faith to do what I'm asked to do. I hope she just knows that she is in a different place. And one day I'll get there. I'm just still processing.
She has been married 10 years and is ridiculously madly in love with her husband. She's always ooing and ahhhing over everything he does and there are posts on facebook and blogs which make me bite my tongue and remember that some people might genuinely be that happy.
But here's the thing: she cheated. Long story which isn't mine to tell, but the bottom line is their relationship wasn't so great, and she fell into another that was so great. And when they finally decided to tell she was sure her loving and devoted husband would take their 3 kids and run.
But he didn't.
They set some boundaries, they recognized that they had a choice and they worked their tiny tushies off to make it right. They were members of the church, but not so active. They have just recently been through the temple and been sealed to their kids.
The first time I talked with her she told me she was pretty inactive, but that she was trying. So from the perspective of most members she's not doing what she should. But in real life, she is converted in a way that many members only hope to be. She has a testimony that simply cannot be shaken.
We talked of faith that night. This is a woman of faith. She hoped and prayed that they would make it through their ugly ugly hardships. She hardly dared ask for the blessings she has received. But through her life experiences, she knows the Power of God. She knows what can happen and what people can overcome. She understands the atonement.
And when she posts something ridiculously sappy about how perfect her husband is, it's because she is amazed every day that he stuck with her. She honestly thinks that much of him and is legimitely glad they are together.
I told her about some things Husband and I are going through (job issues for Husband, I'm going back to work and leaving my kids for the first time) and she told me to simply have faith in the process. Trust that God has a plan for me and that if I'm following the promptings I seek out, I will be doing what I should. It might not look the way I think it should, and I might have to do hard things (duh) but the process is the point.
I look at her and remember that we're each somewhere in our progression and it doesn't really matter where. I'm not mad at or disappointed by my 10 month old for crawling instead of walking or grunting instead of speaking. I simply understand that he is in a different place than I am developmentally.
| photo snatched here |
Likewise I am not disappointmed in this dear sister when she doesn't show up at church on Sunday. I simply know that she is in a different place - one I may or may not experience. And one day she'll make it a habit to be there.
I hope that she can look at me and not be disappointed with my struggle to recognize promptings or get my own answers or have the faith to do what I'm asked to do. I hope she just knows that she is in a different place. And one day I'll get there. I'm just still processing.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Small Signs
This is the acknowledgements page from The Five Love Lanugages by Dr. Gary Chapman. A book I really love and can relate to in a million ways. One that I am learning a lot from (again) and that I recommend to any human being who is any relationship of any kind. Husband/wife, parent/child, sibling, grandparent, friends, yadda yadda. Dr. Chapman is something of a genius.
But this line makes me furious beyond all reason.
If all wives loved as she does [speaking of his wife], fewere men would be looking over the fence.I read this line and nearly threw the book against the wall. I can't believe he's blaming lousy good for nothing cheating men on their wives not loving them enough!!! I can't believe ANYBODY actually thinks that these women are to blame! Especially a professional. I hate this!!!
My reaction surprised me a little. I know know that Husband's addiction isn't my fault, but apparently it's still a sensitive issue.....who knew?
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Sunshine and Rainbows
I don't need to tell you that life is not all sunshine and rainbows no matter where you are or who people think you are.
But I have recently been reminded (a lot) that the opposite of my trials and the things I pray for all day every day are not always easy either.
Before my beautiful boys were born Husband and I had some fertility problems. My heart broke every time I saw another person with a baby or a belly. I cried at family get togethers as the only married and childless person there. I avoided people at church. I felt uncomfortable everywhere and I wondered what was wrong with me. I cringed when someone whined about being up all night with a newborn. Didn't they know what a blessing that was? I'd gladly go months - years without sleep! Just to hold my own child in my arsm. Why couldn't I have a baby - why couldn't I have the life I wanted?
Then my little brother got his girlfriend pregnant.
I love Little Brother and my heart went out to him as soon as I heard the news. He loved his girlfriend, but just out of high school he certainly wasn't ready for a family. He was missing out on the care free young adult experience. He was embarrassed and felt like a failure. He was scared of what came next. He didn't know how to make the enormous decisions ahead of him.
The answer to my prayers were a very real trial for someone else in a different situation.
*******************************
Right now I feel robbed of so very many blessings in my life because of Husband's unworthiness and lack of commitment to the Gospel.
My sister is married to someone who is (and to my knowledge) always has been worthy and commited. He serves in the Bishopric, he attends every meeting and activity and spends nearly all of his supposed free time being commited to the church. He is a busy busy man. And with 3 little ones; his activity, worthiness, and dedication are a challenge to her. Don't get me wrong, she doesn't complain or whine or pity herself, but I know it's hard to be the sole provider for every child's needs all day every day.
It's hard to sit alone every week in church no matter the reason.
It's hard to do all of the house, yard, and child work - even if it's because your husband is off doing things you approve of.
It's hard to be alone no matter where your husband is mentally or physically.
Having a worthy and willing husband may be the answer to my prayers, but that doesn't make it easy for anyone else.
******************************
And that's exactly why it's important for me to be able to kill my own buffalo.
No matter the reason for Husband's absense on the buffalo killing front, it's up to me to be sure that I have what I need.
So I'll read my own scriptures, say my own prayers and keep my own covenants. I'll follow inspiration and learn lessons from my life experiences.
All while realizing that these are things I need to do regardless of his choices.
But I have recently been reminded (a lot) that the opposite of my trials and the things I pray for all day every day are not always easy either.
Before my beautiful boys were born Husband and I had some fertility problems. My heart broke every time I saw another person with a baby or a belly. I cried at family get togethers as the only married and childless person there. I avoided people at church. I felt uncomfortable everywhere and I wondered what was wrong with me. I cringed when someone whined about being up all night with a newborn. Didn't they know what a blessing that was? I'd gladly go months - years without sleep! Just to hold my own child in my arsm. Why couldn't I have a baby - why couldn't I have the life I wanted?
Then my little brother got his girlfriend pregnant.
I love Little Brother and my heart went out to him as soon as I heard the news. He loved his girlfriend, but just out of high school he certainly wasn't ready for a family. He was missing out on the care free young adult experience. He was embarrassed and felt like a failure. He was scared of what came next. He didn't know how to make the enormous decisions ahead of him.
The answer to my prayers were a very real trial for someone else in a different situation.
*******************************
Right now I feel robbed of so very many blessings in my life because of Husband's unworthiness and lack of commitment to the Gospel.
My sister is married to someone who is (and to my knowledge) always has been worthy and commited. He serves in the Bishopric, he attends every meeting and activity and spends nearly all of his supposed free time being commited to the church. He is a busy busy man. And with 3 little ones; his activity, worthiness, and dedication are a challenge to her. Don't get me wrong, she doesn't complain or whine or pity herself, but I know it's hard to be the sole provider for every child's needs all day every day.
It's hard to sit alone every week in church no matter the reason.
It's hard to do all of the house, yard, and child work - even if it's because your husband is off doing things you approve of.
It's hard to be alone no matter where your husband is mentally or physically.
Having a worthy and willing husband may be the answer to my prayers, but that doesn't make it easy for anyone else.
******************************
And that's exactly why it's important for me to be able to kill my own buffalo.
No matter the reason for Husband's absense on the buffalo killing front, it's up to me to be sure that I have what I need.
So I'll read my own scriptures, say my own prayers and keep my own covenants. I'll follow inspiration and learn lessons from my life experiences.
All while realizing that these are things I need to do regardless of his choices.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
I Won't Give Up
Go ahead and hit play, it's a lovely song even in the background if you aren't watching the video.
I love this song for a lot of reasons. But the biggest reason today is that it's my boys' favorite song.
I blast music in the kitchen while I make dinner and the boys are banished to the basement. But from the first chord of this song my boys (all 3 of them! Dad, and 2 sons) come running in for a dance.
Before you roll your eyes because when life isn't sunshine and lollipops someone who has this stupidly perfect and loving family who dances in the kitchen at dinner time makes you roll your eyes. But remember that I'm a WoPA. We have hell days and times that I quite literally get ready to pack Husband's bags.
My kids are dance buffers because the truth is that dancing with Husband gets a little too touchy feely sometimes. But with a boy on each hip and big group hug, we're bonding just the right amount.
But for some reason this song melts it all away. It became our anthem when we started our 6 months because for 6 months we wouldn't give up.
And now this song is ours.
I hope it's ours forever.
But if not, it can be mine. Because the truth is, that regardless of what he does or doesn't do in addiciton recovery or any other aspect of his life I am working out my own salvation. And I won't give up on me.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Making Room
The shift in our schedules recently has been a difficult one for us. We're struggling to find our new roles in our life and to work and live together.
With Husband gone so much for the past 5 years, I've filled my life with other things. My evenings are filled with activities and hobbies and friends. My days are filled with my children and their activities and friends. None of these things are bad, but they leave little time for our relationship.
So I'm slowly cutting back. We're slowing down. We're finding space for Dad in our life rather than marching on and letting him catch up if he feels like it. A fine line between killing my own buffalo and refusing to let him help me hunt.
As I chatted with a recovering addict yesterday she told me that in the short time she's known me (3 months) she was initially impressed with my ability to reach out and make friends in a new area so quickly. (A conscious effort on my part.) But that as she has learned more about our situation, she suspects that all of those (good!) relationships are an attempt to fill the giant hole in my life where my marriage should be. The one relationship that really matters is missing.
Ouch.
Then we talked about addiction. She spoke about how desperately she tried to fill her own void with her addiction. She tried and tried and tried and failed and failed and failed to fill that hole. Until she learned that the void was caused by her lack of relationship with God. As she worked on that relationship she felt less need for her drug.
Our Bishop recently spoke about making space in our lives for God. We are busy and noisy and so often the still small voice of the Lord doesn't stand a chance at catching our attention over all the craziness.
For me I'm afraid this is the less still & small voice. This is world-crashing earth-shattering voice. "HEY!!! BUFFALO!!!!! Make room for the relationships that really matter!!!!!" It has never been more clear to me than in wading through the muck and pain of sexual addiction what (and who) really matters most to me.
So I'm working on making room.
For God
For my marriage
For inspiration
For my new life
With Husband gone so much for the past 5 years, I've filled my life with other things. My evenings are filled with activities and hobbies and friends. My days are filled with my children and their activities and friends. None of these things are bad, but they leave little time for our relationship.
So I'm slowly cutting back. We're slowing down. We're finding space for Dad in our life rather than marching on and letting him catch up if he feels like it. A fine line between killing my own buffalo and refusing to let him help me hunt.
As I chatted with a recovering addict yesterday she told me that in the short time she's known me (3 months) she was initially impressed with my ability to reach out and make friends in a new area so quickly. (A conscious effort on my part.) But that as she has learned more about our situation, she suspects that all of those (good!) relationships are an attempt to fill the giant hole in my life where my marriage should be. The one relationship that really matters is missing.
Ouch.
Then we talked about addiction. She spoke about how desperately she tried to fill her own void with her addiction. She tried and tried and tried and failed and failed and failed to fill that hole. Until she learned that the void was caused by her lack of relationship with God. As she worked on that relationship she felt less need for her drug.
Our Bishop recently spoke about making space in our lives for God. We are busy and noisy and so often the still small voice of the Lord doesn't stand a chance at catching our attention over all the craziness.
For me I'm afraid this is the less still & small voice. This is world-crashing earth-shattering voice. "HEY!!! BUFFALO!!!!! Make room for the relationships that really matter!!!!!" It has never been more clear to me than in wading through the muck and pain of sexual addiction what (and who) really matters most to me.
So I'm working on making room.
For God
For my marriage
For inspiration
For my new life
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Being the Fool
I read a letter to my grandpa from his mom during his mission this week.
He had some medical problems which disqualified him for military service, the medical problems were terrifying and intense. But through a series of small miracles, he was able to serve a mission.
When he had been out for nearly a year, he got sick again. And in the days of mail and post offices as primary means of communication, his mom didn't know about it for some time. He received a letter from her in which she expressed her concern over not hearing from him for a while; then referenced her most recent news from his mission president that he was in excellent health. Then wrote off her worry.
She hadn't been told by anyone, but he was very ill when she wrote that letter.
I haven't read the next letter yet - but I can only assume what her feelings were like when she found out.
I should have known. I know better than to trust that everything is OK!
Why didn't they tell me sooner?
Why did I doubt myself?
When will I stop feeling so foolish?
I know these feelings all too well. As soon as I say all is well, I am immediately proven wrong.
Which is why I refuse to tell you that things are going well. Also why I refuse to believe it myself. At least lately. I don't want to be a fool.
But I have to wonder, am I missing out on something (peace? calm? happiness?) by just assuming everything is bad? Or am I intelligently keeping my hopes and dreams under control?
Fine line.
He had some medical problems which disqualified him for military service, the medical problems were terrifying and intense. But through a series of small miracles, he was able to serve a mission.
When he had been out for nearly a year, he got sick again. And in the days of mail and post offices as primary means of communication, his mom didn't know about it for some time. He received a letter from her in which she expressed her concern over not hearing from him for a while; then referenced her most recent news from his mission president that he was in excellent health. Then wrote off her worry.
She hadn't been told by anyone, but he was very ill when she wrote that letter.
I haven't read the next letter yet - but I can only assume what her feelings were like when she found out.
I should have known. I know better than to trust that everything is OK!
Why didn't they tell me sooner?
Why did I doubt myself?
When will I stop feeling so foolish?
I know these feelings all too well. As soon as I say all is well, I am immediately proven wrong.
Which is why I refuse to tell you that things are going well. Also why I refuse to believe it myself. At least lately. I don't want to be a fool.
But I have to wonder, am I missing out on something (peace? calm? happiness?) by just assuming everything is bad? Or am I intelligently keeping my hopes and dreams under control?
Fine line.
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