A Plan

Husband lost this morning.

He is embarrassed.
He is disappointed.
He is surprised that it happened so easily.

But the good news is that I am not heartbroken.
I don't feel betrayed.
And I don't feel responsible.

Husband called to tell me and I feel bad for him. I'm disappointed FOR him instead of IN him. But I am glad that this time when he said "I don't know what to do" I could respond with "I thought you had a plan of what to do when this happens." and he immediately knew what he had to do.

He doesn't like it, but he has planned what needs to happen and I think that is a bit of a relief for him.

We certainly aren't flying through the steps or making fast enormous strides in this recovery process, but for today - having a plan is a good step forward.

MIA

Sometimes I get distracted and don't post here for a while.

And when I see that I haven't posted here for a while, I wonder if I haven't done anything for a while.

It makes me wonder, how am I doing?

Could it be: The less I post here, the better I'm doing? Because it means I've been busy living real life.
Playing with my kids.
Hanging out with friends.
Picnics.
Zoo trips.
Dating Husband.
Cooking meals.

Or Could it be: The worse I'm doing? Because I'm neglecting my own healing.
I'm ignoring a problem hoping it will fix itself.
I'm not reading or writing.
I'm sleeping instead of healing.
I have nothing uplifting to say.


I'm not sure yet which it is. But I do know I've been decidedly MIA while I'm trying to catch up on real life.

And I'm hoping when I return to steadily writing (and reading) I won't find out about a big backslide I didn't notice while it was happening.

Need Daddy

This morning my Toddler Man (age 2.5) sniffled and whimpered on the sofa whining "I just neeeed Daddy. Neeed Daddy." and I was immediately thankful that Daddy lives here.

Since Husband wasn't a "hide the big secret for years until I'm busted" type and instead was the "confess to every little loss while we are both sinking deeper and deeper into it without noticing" type, I feel like I've always known about the addiction.

We wanted to wait about a year before having kids after we were married. Which we did.

But then those kids didn't come.

And didn't come.

And didn't come.

And that was (at the time) the hardest thing that had ever happened to me. I was heartbroken in a way I can't even describe.

This heartache overshadowed the pain of the addiction at that time. The addiction sucked. I knew it was there. But it was not as big of a deal as infertility.

Then miraculously I was pregnant.

I immediately knew that everything in my world would be right. Everything would be OK. Magically all was well.

A year later I was sitting in a PASG meeting and a young woman came in for the first time. She was with her mother and as she told her story, they both sobbed. During the previous 2 weeks she had discovered her husband's second life. She talked about how she couldn't understand why anybody would stay with a man like that. She had something of a zero tolerance policy.They hadn't even been married a year and she left him. She moved back in with her mom and all of the things she hoped for when they married in the temple were gone.

Then her mother spoke about the heartache she felt for her daughter. And how glad she was that it had been discovered before there were children involved so she (the daughter) could make the choice that was best for her.

In no way did either of these women say that these choices were the best for everyone, but I sat there silently wiping away my own tears wondering if that period of infidelity was my chance to leave. Did I miss an opportunity to do what was best for me?

For 2.5 years I wracked my brain trying to understand what purpose the infertility could possibly serve. And now I wonder if that was my open door. I could leave with no strings attached. I could get out and never see Husband again.

But during that time I never wanted to leave. I felt lucky that Husband would stay with me even though I couldn't make him a father. It never even crossed my mind that there might be someone better for me out there.

As the addiction has become worse and worse I've had moments wondering if I should leave. And if it would solve enough problems. But we have two little boys, and (right now) for me I am confident that it would not be best for them to grow up without him. I am tied to husband through my children.

I wonder now if the reason we finally did have kids when we did was to keep us together. Because there are days I'm not certain I'd hang in there if it wasn't so clear that they need him.

The only thing I know is that there is a plan for me. My responsibility is the make the best choices I can right now. During that period of infertility, I didn't want to leave. During this time of young children, I don't feel like leaving is best for my family. And when I initially chose to marry Husband, I knew it was the right decision.

So all I know is that right now I'm doing the best I can do.

Toddler Man is right, he does "neeed daddy".

Coming Out

2011 was a tough year addiction-wise.

At the end of the year my little baby was born. I was already at the end of my rope with the addiction and I'd sortof had it with Husband and his attempt to look like he was trying to get better. And in December when Baby was just 5 weeks old Husband told me about his most gruesome and horrible loss to date which had happened earlier in the day "because" of my sexual inactivity. 5 weeks post-partum!

My sleep-deprived, exhausted, horrified, emotional self had an epic meltdown. I broke down in a major way, explaining to Husband that I simply couldn't do this anymore. I didn't have the energy to deal with the constant up and down. The roller coaster of emotions. The wondering if we'd be married at this time next year. The constant doubt and fear of misstep. I was spent in every possible way.

So I told Husband that I was leaving. Not forever, but that for now I needed someone to take care of me instead of demanding that I take care of them. I packed bags for me and the kids. I didn't know how long I'd be gone or even where I was going, but I knew I couldn't possibly handle him coming home tonight. I needed help with the new baby, the older baby and my own baby-like tendencies.

I just wanted to cry and have somebody tell me it was all going to be OK. I needed emotional support and love that Husband wasn't capable of providing.

So I went home.

I went to my mom's house, knocked on the door and asked if we could come in. I had melted into a puddle of tears and exhaustion before even getting through the doorway. She gathered me and my babies and held me patiently while I told her what was wrong.

This was the first time someone who wasn't an addict or a professional learned about Husband's addiction.

My mom was kind and understanding and supportive. My dad is a kind and patient and generous man who has a heart of gold. I have always had a special connection with my daddy and I wanted him to turn all Hulk and go crazy being mad and bloodthirsty because "how dare you hurt my baby girl!!!" but he didn't.

He started counseling and encouraging and working with Husband. They text each other regularly and he is constantly sending message of support and love. And deep down I'm glad. But the shallow un-Christ-like selfish pity-party part of me desperately wants someone to hate Husband for ruining my life. But nobody does.

So my parents know. Husband's parents do not. It's amazing how much that changes the dynamic of who I'd rather spend time with. I love my in-laws, but there is a pretense and a fake feeling when we're there.

"How are things?" they ask genuinely.
"Great. Nothing new. Just life." we mutter honestly....but not whole heartedly.

We don't talk about it regularly with my parents (usually when we're there other family members are too), but at least I know they know what they're asking and they know what I'm answering.

***********************

It's Mother's Day and we did the tour of the grandmas. We saw both of Husband's moms and my mom in a long drive across 3 counties. It's exhausting.

Mostly we spent the bulk of our day with my mom since we were with Husband's mom a lot yesterday.

While Husband was off playing with my kiddos, mom and I chatted a bit. At a lull in the conversation the questioning began.

Mom: "so...how are things going?"
Me: "Pretty good. I still get discouraged and we have good days and bad - but it's overall good....I think."
Mom: "Seems like there's still a lot of up and down." I assume my dad shares some of the accountability stuff with my mom.
Me: "Yeah. I think that's the nature of it, but that's worst part to me. I don't know really how he's doing. I think there will always be up and down, but I don't know if the downs getting downer means it's worse or if the ups getting upper means it's getting better."
Mom: [crickets]

I think people (mom & myself included) don't understand the nature of this.
There are days that I feel like eventually Husband's heart will change and he won't want this anymore. He'll quit craving such horrifying things.
But then I remember how he's addicted.
And then I remember that miracles happen and that the atonement can change people.
And then I remember that addicts in recovery don't call themselves "cured". They call themselves "in recovery".
And then I remember that anything is possible.
And then.....

So I wonder what recovery really looks (and feels) like. Does the worrying stop? Do you quit wondering? Do you still talk about it every day? Are the temptations still constant? Do you KNOW you will be celebrating your next anniversary?

I appreciate the concern, the love and support from my mom. But at the same time, I simply don't know how it's going. I don't know how to guage the recovery. I know we're trying. I know I see good signs. But I also know he still loses. And I also know he still wants to lose.

I hate the not knowing.
More than anything, I hate not knowing.

I need eggs and flour and....

I am struggling to find the appropriate balance between having a healthy sex life and not feeling like my husband's hooker.

His (nearly constant) desire for sex is something I struggle to make amends with and if I'm being honest with myself I often blame the porn and masturbation.

To say I've closed down sexually is probably an understatement, but I don't know how to get things going again without feeling like I am just one more piece of his addiction.

So I thought I'd start by having one night a week that I promised myself I wouldn't turn down sex if the opportunity arose. But I didn't to tell Husband my plan because I knew he'd be crawling all over me and the Hand Monster would take over.

The first day arrived and I signed my text to my husband with x's and o's. I tried to flirt with him and kissed him when he came home from work. He thanked me for showing him affection and told me that he had lost that day. And I was suddenly repulsed by him.

Figures.

And sex night went right out the window.

Week 2 came around and I made the same efforts. Husband came home stressed out and ornery about a school thing (grades? test scores? clinic? something.) and we fought even while I tried to avoid it.

Am I picking fights because I don't really want to do this?

Sex night went right out the window.

A few weeks in things still hadn't gone as planned. We'd had sex, but not happy healthy mutually fulfilling sex.

I wound up telling Husband about my plan to have a night I wouldn't shoot him down. Then I immediately started qualifying that night.

"But that doesn't mean you just come home from work and get some!"
"But you still have to talk to me!"
"But I still need you to be nice to me."
"Can you pretend you're still working for it?"
"Don't think that you can be an idiot all week (or even all day) and still have sex that night."
"But you also have to give me a date night!"

And then I had one of those moments where I wondered if he was understanding.

"But I don't want you to feel like you have to earn it. You aren't a dog and I'm not your treat. You know?"

He didn't know. He doesn't get it.

But by then I had walked into the grocery store and my location wasn't allowing me to be frank with him anymore.

"I'm just saying that if you want me to make a cake, I need the ingredients. Right now I don't have any eggs or flour or.....just make sure I have the ingredients and I promsie I'll make you cake."

It's so clear to me that there are things I need in order for us to have a really great sex-life. The difference between me punshing him or him having to earn sex and the natural effects of his behaviors is so clear to me.

But I don't know how to make it any more clear to him. I honestly believe he thinks I sit around all day thinking up ways to punish him for his bad behavior and reward him for his good.

Any hubsands out there who get this? Is it just me that can't explain it properly?

Oh the Horror!!!

We went about a month without having sex. Oh the horror!

[insert sarcasm and eye-rolling here]

I should correct that, I went a whole month without having sex. Husband was off pleasing himself on a regular basis.

Husband chatted with Therapist by himself for the first time in more months than I can count. (Which isn't saying much considering my brain is mostly mush these days...) and Husband told on me for not wanting to have sex with him.

And do you know what Therapist said? (From Husband's perspective of course....)

Therapist told him that not having sex for a month is usually a sign that the relationship is dying and we really needed to work on that.

We've been seeing Therapist on a regular basis for 1.5 years now. He knows what's going on. He's specialized in sexual addiction. But he also specializes in marriage counseling.

I get that sex is important for marriage. And I really REALLY get that sex is important to Husband since (in his words) "it's the only way I know you love me." And I swear it's not like it's my goal in life to cut him off and never have sex again. But lately it's been loss after loss. It's been one "slip up" after the next and when he isn't acting out, he's intolerable because he's about to.

I hate having sex with him before he loses because I feel like I'm his porn. I'm his fix. I'm the solution to his problem.

So yeah, I didn't have sex with him for a month. But he didn't go more than a week without doing it himself. So I have a tough time feeling bad for him.

So I'm wondering what Therapist was thinking when he said whatever he said that Husband interpreted as "go home and have sex now!!! it's the end of the world! do it all the time!!!!!"

Next week we'll see Therapist together. A meeting I'm very much looking forward to because I think we have some things to straighten out.

He's Better After

I might be the only person alive who feels this way. But I do not hate my husband after he loses. (Technically I don't ever hate him....I guess....) Husband gets crazy helpful and nice and respectful becuase he feel so guilty after he loses. The days following a loss are always filled with laughter and support and love.

He is thankful that I'm still here, that I'm working with him and I'm "on his team". He is physically relieved because he just lost. He is ramped up and ready to fight again becasue he remembers how much he hates this addiction.

It's the days leading up to the loss that I simply can't stand. He is grumpy and mad at me. It's my fault that he's stressed. It's the kids' fault that we never do anything fun. It's the world's fault that our life isn't great. He's tired and stressed and he can't act out to relieve himself. He is thoughtless and snippy. He is short and withdrawn. He is everything he wasn't when I met (and married) him.

These are the days that I wonder if we'll make it.
These are the days I'm not sure if I married the right guy.
These are the days that I want to tell him to find another place to live until he works this out because we simply can't stand to be around him.

Then he loses and becomes the man I married again - slowly fading into the shadow of that man as he battles more and more. Eventually becoming simply a dark spot in my otherwise sunny life.

And do you want to know the crazy part? While I ultimately want him to win every battle and be YEARS clean and sober, during those days (when everything is rotten), I wish he would just do it and get it over with. So he can be the man I married again.

A Boundary

Setting reasonable boundaries is something I really struggle with. For a lot of different reasons.

Partly because I don't trust my ability to be reasonable when it comes to this addiction and sex and our relationship.
Partly because I don't dare stand up for what I suspect might be reasonable.
Partly because I'm lazy and tired of fighting and it's much easier to just go with it.

But mostly because when I think about it, nothing that makes sense comes to mind.

Person A says that XX days after a loss they don't have sex.
Person B says that their husband has to leave the house to look at porn.
Person C says demands that husband has to get rid of the porn stash or move out.
Person D says that after a loss the husband sleeps on the couch because she doesn't feel safe with him.

This will be a whole other post, but I don't hate my husband after he looses. He often overcompensates for his stupidity and becomes the man I used to know. So all of these "punishments" after losing don't match my feelings. Maybe they should....but they don't.

But he has a grooming habit that triggers ALL of the emotions of lying, sneaking around, selfishness, and putting his "needs" above EVERYthing else in his life. And every time this grooming habit surfaces I shut down. I feel rejected, unimportant, not good enough. I wonder what he's been looking at and thinking about. I worry that he's losing again.

So I told him I he was welcome to do that grooming thing, but that I couldn't have sex with him afterward.

As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt like this was the GREATEST boundary of all time. Being close to him is too painful for me. And while this particular habit is not inherently wrong, I'm just not over it.

But now I'm wondering, is this just a trigger for me and I need to chill out? Is this a boundary-worthy issue or something I that I ought to be fighting against. Again this thing is NOT (by any stretch of the imagination) inappropriate. But every time he does it he loses and it immediately makes me nervous and uncomfortable around him.

*sigh* I really hate that we have to figure this out. But once I get it figured out I'll be really really excited and feel exceptionally intelligent. :D