When I get surrounded by WoPAs I feel woefully inadequate. I haven't read or studied enough. I haven't experienced enough pain. I don't know what it's like to have my spouse actually sleep with someone else. I don't even think I've ever been lied to about it. Sometimes the truth is a bit delayed, but it always comes out without prompting from me.
Don't get me wrong, I feel betrayed, embarrassed and cheated. My life is not what I had planned and through no fault of my own I sit by myself at temple sealings for family members trying to offer a good reason that Husband isn't there. I feel like our relationship is lies. I feel pressure to do (or not do) things that he has seen. I feel judged and compared and inadequate.
But I've never known anyone as willing to pile the confessions on like Husband. He can't handle the guilt, so he drops it all in my lap telling me what happened and why and how it's never going to happen again.
At least I think that's the case.
I always chase that "he's always told me" statement with a quick "as far as I know" because I don't want to appear naive. I want other WoPAs to know that I know I might be stupid or blind or simply unwilling to look hard. I know he might be lying. I know there might be more. I know that I don't know anything.
But the truth is I believe him. One time I found something he hadn't told me about and approached him. He backtracked and gave me at least 9 excuses in 30 seconds, like bullets from a gun.
"It wasn't me."
"I was just looking at something for school."
"Somebody else must have clicked on that."
"It popped up out of nowhere and I closed it right away."
"I just had a moment of weakness, but I got control and nothing happened.:
"I don't know how it got there."
He is a super-crappy liar. I like to think it's because he's had so little practice, but for all I know, that's a big lie too right? Maybe he's a super-fantastic liar who is so good at lying he pretends to be crappy. Lulling me into a false sense of security. It's all part of his master plan.
I found some comfort in the fact that a fellow WoPA had a rediculously honest husband too. I felt like I wasn't merrited in calling Husband's problem and addiction if he hadn't lied. And at the same time I felt like he probably was lying and I was just blind to it because I'm stupid. I can't stand to be the only one experiencing it the way I am. It makes me feel lonely and foolish and lost.
So I'm wondering, is it all a lie? Or is he in fact insanely stupidly honest? Is it even possible?
Monday, June 25, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Rodents
I live in a neighborhood with a brutal rodent problem. Mice and voles to be exact.
Until last month I didn't know what voles even were. But now I see their tiny body parts strewn across my sidewalks every time I leave my house.
The infestation is so bad that each time I jog or bike on the trail nearby I measure my distance in dead rodents. This morning's jog was 37 rodents. Also 37 minutes. So....there's that.
Every time I check in on facebook there are updates of whose porch is littered with pieces of the things.
It's filthy. And disgusting. And gives us all the heebie jeebies.
And now you see why I'm writing this on "the porn blog".
It's interesting to watch everybody's reaction to the infestation:
Sister Smith has taken it upon herself to call the city demanding they do something.
Brother Johnson bought a cat and let it have a million babies all of whom are killing machines.
The Williams children throw rocks and use slingshots.
Sister Jones orders poison by the caseload every month.
But the majority of us are simply doing the very little we can to keep the filth out of own homes. We certainly don't lay out cheese and crackers, or leave our doors and windows open inviting them in.
We find the holes and fill them.
We lay traps and poison.
We try to set up barriers.
And then we clean up the carcasses.
But because of the overwhelming number, it simply isn't enough. We still find them on our lawn, sidewalks and porches. We still squirm as we watch them run across the road. There are still 37 mice in a 37 minute run.
So I'm wondering, what will it take? It seems to me that it will take an enormous unified effort. Every neighbor pitching in at once. Every person laying poison and filling holes. We ALL need to be sharing our information and connecting our resources. Because this isn't a battle one household can win alone.
And so it is with porn.
So please, share what you know. Invite people around you to meetings, blogs & forums. Let them know what has worked for you and let them share with you what works for them. This may not be every person's current top priority and that's ok but the more people sharing what works, the better off we'll be.
Until last month I didn't know what voles even were. But now I see their tiny body parts strewn across my sidewalks every time I leave my house.
The infestation is so bad that each time I jog or bike on the trail nearby I measure my distance in dead rodents. This morning's jog was 37 rodents. Also 37 minutes. So....there's that.
Every time I check in on facebook there are updates of whose porch is littered with pieces of the things.
It's filthy. And disgusting. And gives us all the heebie jeebies.
And now you see why I'm writing this on "the porn blog".
It's interesting to watch everybody's reaction to the infestation:
Sister Smith has taken it upon herself to call the city demanding they do something.
Brother Johnson bought a cat and let it have a million babies all of whom are killing machines.
The Williams children throw rocks and use slingshots.
Sister Jones orders poison by the caseload every month.
But the majority of us are simply doing the very little we can to keep the filth out of own homes. We certainly don't lay out cheese and crackers, or leave our doors and windows open inviting them in.
We find the holes and fill them.
We lay traps and poison.
We try to set up barriers.
And then we clean up the carcasses.
But because of the overwhelming number, it simply isn't enough. We still find them on our lawn, sidewalks and porches. We still squirm as we watch them run across the road. There are still 37 mice in a 37 minute run.
So I'm wondering, what will it take? It seems to me that it will take an enormous unified effort. Every neighbor pitching in at once. Every person laying poison and filling holes. We ALL need to be sharing our information and connecting our resources. Because this isn't a battle one household can win alone.
And so it is with porn.
So please, share what you know. Invite people around you to meetings, blogs & forums. Let them know what has worked for you and let them share with you what works for them. This may not be every person's current top priority and that's ok but the more people sharing what works, the better off we'll be.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
So.....do you feel any hope?
I had the chance to chat with my mom alone for a few hours yesterday which almost never happens. We were talking about how things are going and where I'm finding help. Then she asked "So......do you feel any hope?"
I was glad to easily answer "yes".
I explained to her that while I don't often feel like Husband is really doing what he needs to, I do think he will someday. I do know that it could be worse. I don't feel like I could leave and find someone I love more or someone who doesn't have this problem. The truth is that Husband is a wonderful match for me. He is an incredible human being, and although there are time I want to physically hurt him, there are more times that I know how lucky I am to have him.
So I suppose that's where I am now.
I've wanted to write about how things are now so I can look back in a year and see how things are. (you wanna do it too? do it!) Moving forward? Still getting worse? Feeling happier?
The bad signs:
Husband is currently in the acting out every 5-12 days cycle.
He still thinks it's my fault and if I'd just ______ (usually "blank" is "have sex more" but sometimes it's something else) it wouldn't be a problem.
There are days I still think everything bad is his (and the addiction's) fault and I snap at him. I'm not consistently patient and loving and kind. But I'm trying to be.
The good signs:
He's been stuck in this cycle for a while, so I think he'll probably have a long stretch (3-4 months?) of sobriety ahead of him soon.
He goes to PASG every week.
He always tells me the truth. (As far as I know.) I have never caught him because he has always been upfront about it.
I have found an incredible group of women who support and encourage me. (hopeandhealinglds.com)
I am detaching. Feel sorry and sad for him instead of mad at him when he loses.
We're dating again. Which is more fun than I can even explain.
Here's hoping I remember to check back in a year to see how it's going then. Will I still feel hope? I think so.
I was glad to easily answer "yes".
I explained to her that while I don't often feel like Husband is really doing what he needs to, I do think he will someday. I do know that it could be worse. I don't feel like I could leave and find someone I love more or someone who doesn't have this problem. The truth is that Husband is a wonderful match for me. He is an incredible human being, and although there are time I want to physically hurt him, there are more times that I know how lucky I am to have him.
So I suppose that's where I am now.
I've wanted to write about how things are now so I can look back in a year and see how things are. (you wanna do it too? do it!) Moving forward? Still getting worse? Feeling happier?
The bad signs:
Husband is currently in the acting out every 5-12 days cycle.
He still thinks it's my fault and if I'd just ______ (usually "blank" is "have sex more" but sometimes it's something else) it wouldn't be a problem.
There are days I still think everything bad is his (and the addiction's) fault and I snap at him. I'm not consistently patient and loving and kind. But I'm trying to be.
The good signs:
He's been stuck in this cycle for a while, so I think he'll probably have a long stretch (3-4 months?) of sobriety ahead of him soon.
He goes to PASG every week.
He always tells me the truth. (As far as I know.) I have never caught him because he has always been upfront about it.
I have found an incredible group of women who support and encourage me. (hopeandhealinglds.com)
I am detaching. Feel sorry and sad for him instead of mad at him when he loses.
We're dating again. Which is more fun than I can even explain.
Here's hoping I remember to check back in a year to see how it's going then. Will I still feel hope? I think so.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
A Plan
Husband lost this morning.
He is embarrassed.
He is disappointed.
He is surprised that it happened so easily.
But the good news is that I am not heartbroken.
I don't feel betrayed.
And I don't feel responsible.
Husband called to tell me and I feel bad for him. I'm disappointed FOR him instead of IN him. But I am glad that this time when he said "I don't know what to do" I could respond with "I thought you had a plan of what to do when this happens." and he immediately knew what he had to do.
He doesn't like it, but he has planned what needs to happen and I think that is a bit of a relief for him.
We certainly aren't flying through the steps or making fast enormous strides in this recovery process, but for today - having a plan is a good step forward.
He is embarrassed.
He is disappointed.
He is surprised that it happened so easily.
But the good news is that I am not heartbroken.
I don't feel betrayed.
And I don't feel responsible.
Husband called to tell me and I feel bad for him. I'm disappointed FOR him instead of IN him. But I am glad that this time when he said "I don't know what to do" I could respond with "I thought you had a plan of what to do when this happens." and he immediately knew what he had to do.
He doesn't like it, but he has planned what needs to happen and I think that is a bit of a relief for him.
We certainly aren't flying through the steps or making fast enormous strides in this recovery process, but for today - having a plan is a good step forward.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
MIA
Sometimes I get distracted and don't post here for a while.
And when I see that I haven't posted here for a while, I wonder if I haven't done anything for a while.
It makes me wonder, how am I doing?
Could it be: The less I post here, the better I'm doing? Because it means I've been busy living real life.
Playing with my kids.
Hanging out with friends.
Picnics.
Zoo trips.
Dating Husband.
Cooking meals.
Or Could it be: The worse I'm doing? Because I'm neglecting my own healing.
I'm ignoring a problem hoping it will fix itself.
I'm not reading or writing.
I'm sleeping instead of healing.
I have nothing uplifting to say.
I'm not sure yet which it is. But I do know I've been decidedly MIA while I'm trying to catch up on real life.
And I'm hoping when I return to steadily writing (and reading) I won't find out about a big backslide I didn't notice while it was happening.
And when I see that I haven't posted here for a while, I wonder if I haven't done anything for a while.
It makes me wonder, how am I doing?
Could it be: The less I post here, the better I'm doing? Because it means I've been busy living real life.
Playing with my kids.
Hanging out with friends.
Picnics.
Zoo trips.
Dating Husband.
Cooking meals.
Or Could it be: The worse I'm doing? Because I'm neglecting my own healing.
I'm ignoring a problem hoping it will fix itself.
I'm not reading or writing.
I'm sleeping instead of healing.
I have nothing uplifting to say.
I'm not sure yet which it is. But I do know I've been decidedly MIA while I'm trying to catch up on real life.
And I'm hoping when I return to steadily writing (and reading) I won't find out about a big backslide I didn't notice while it was happening.
Need Daddy
This morning my Toddler Man (age 2.5) sniffled and whimpered on the sofa whining "I just neeeed Daddy. Neeed Daddy." and I was immediately thankful that Daddy lives here.
Since Husband wasn't a "hide the big secret for years until I'm busted" type and instead was the "confess to every little loss while we are both sinking deeper and deeper into it without noticing" type, I feel like I've always known about the addiction.
We wanted to wait about a year before having kids after we were married. Which we did.
But then those kids didn't come.
And didn't come.
And didn't come.
And that was (at the time) the hardest thing that had ever happened to me. I was heartbroken in a way I can't even describe.
This heartache overshadowed the pain of the addiction at that time. The addiction sucked. I knew it was there. But it was not as big of a deal as infertility.
Then miraculously I was pregnant.
I immediately knew that everything in my world would be right. Everything would be OK. Magically all was well.
A year later I was sitting in a PASG meeting and a young woman came in for the first time. She was with her mother and as she told her story, they both sobbed. During the previous 2 weeks she had discovered her husband's second life. She talked about how she couldn't understand why anybody would stay with a man like that. She had something of a zero tolerance policy.They hadn't even been married a year and she left him. She moved back in with her mom and all of the things she hoped for when they married in the temple were gone.
Then her mother spoke about the heartache she felt for her daughter. And how glad she was that it had been discovered before there were children involved so she (the daughter) could make the choice that was best for her.
In no way did either of these women say that these choices were the best for everyone, but I sat there silently wiping away my own tears wondering if that period of infidelity was my chance to leave. Did I miss an opportunity to do what was best for me?
For 2.5 years I wracked my brain trying to understand what purpose the infertility could possibly serve. And now I wonder if that was my open door. I could leave with no strings attached. I could get out and never see Husband again.
But during that time I never wanted to leave. I felt lucky that Husband would stay with me even though I couldn't make him a father. It never even crossed my mind that there might be someone better for me out there.
As the addiction has become worse and worse I've had moments wondering if I should leave. And if it would solve enough problems. But we have two little boys, and (right now) for me I am confident that it would not be best for them to grow up without him. I am tied to husband through my children.
I wonder now if the reason we finally did have kids when we did was to keep us together. Because there are days I'm not certain I'd hang in there if it wasn't so clear that they need him.
The only thing I know is that there is a plan for me. My responsibility is the make the best choices I can right now. During that period of infertility, I didn't want to leave. During this time of young children, I don't feel like leaving is best for my family. And when I initially chose to marry Husband, I knew it was the right decision.
So all I know is that right now I'm doing the best I can do.
Toddler Man is right, he does "neeed daddy".
Since Husband wasn't a "hide the big secret for years until I'm busted" type and instead was the "confess to every little loss while we are both sinking deeper and deeper into it without noticing" type, I feel like I've always known about the addiction.
We wanted to wait about a year before having kids after we were married. Which we did.
But then those kids didn't come.
And didn't come.
And didn't come.
And that was (at the time) the hardest thing that had ever happened to me. I was heartbroken in a way I can't even describe.
This heartache overshadowed the pain of the addiction at that time. The addiction sucked. I knew it was there. But it was not as big of a deal as infertility.
Then miraculously I was pregnant.
I immediately knew that everything in my world would be right. Everything would be OK. Magically all was well.
A year later I was sitting in a PASG meeting and a young woman came in for the first time. She was with her mother and as she told her story, they both sobbed. During the previous 2 weeks she had discovered her husband's second life. She talked about how she couldn't understand why anybody would stay with a man like that. She had something of a zero tolerance policy.They hadn't even been married a year and she left him. She moved back in with her mom and all of the things she hoped for when they married in the temple were gone.
Then her mother spoke about the heartache she felt for her daughter. And how glad she was that it had been discovered before there were children involved so she (the daughter) could make the choice that was best for her.
In no way did either of these women say that these choices were the best for everyone, but I sat there silently wiping away my own tears wondering if that period of infidelity was my chance to leave. Did I miss an opportunity to do what was best for me?
For 2.5 years I wracked my brain trying to understand what purpose the infertility could possibly serve. And now I wonder if that was my open door. I could leave with no strings attached. I could get out and never see Husband again.
But during that time I never wanted to leave. I felt lucky that Husband would stay with me even though I couldn't make him a father. It never even crossed my mind that there might be someone better for me out there.
As the addiction has become worse and worse I've had moments wondering if I should leave. And if it would solve enough problems. But we have two little boys, and (right now) for me I am confident that it would not be best for them to grow up without him. I am tied to husband through my children.
I wonder now if the reason we finally did have kids when we did was to keep us together. Because there are days I'm not certain I'd hang in there if it wasn't so clear that they need him.
The only thing I know is that there is a plan for me. My responsibility is the make the best choices I can right now. During that period of infertility, I didn't want to leave. During this time of young children, I don't feel like leaving is best for my family. And when I initially chose to marry Husband, I knew it was the right decision.
So all I know is that right now I'm doing the best I can do.
Toddler Man is right, he does "neeed daddy".
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Coming Out
2011 was a tough year addiction-wise.
At the end of the year my little baby was born. I was already at the end of my rope with the addiction and I'd sortof had it with Husband and his attempt to look like he was trying to get better. And in December when Baby was just 5 weeks old Husband told me about his most gruesome and horrible loss to date which had happened earlier in the day "because" of my sexual inactivity. 5 weeks post-partum!
My sleep-deprived, exhausted, horrified, emotional self had an epic meltdown. I broke down in a major way, explaining to Husband that I simply couldn't do this anymore. I didn't have the energy to deal with the constant up and down. The roller coaster of emotions. The wondering if we'd be married at this time next year. The constant doubt and fear of misstep. I was spent in every possible way.
So I told Husband that I was leaving. Not forever, but that for now I needed someone to take care of me instead of demanding that I take care of them. I packed bags for me and the kids. I didn't know how long I'd be gone or even where I was going, but I knew I couldn't possibly handle him coming home tonight. I needed help with the new baby, the older baby and my own baby-like tendencies.
I just wanted to cry and have somebody tell me it was all going to be OK. I needed emotional support and love that Husband wasn't capable of providing.
So I went home.
I went to my mom's house, knocked on the door and asked if we could come in. I had melted into a puddle of tears and exhaustion before even getting through the doorway. She gathered me and my babies and held me patiently while I told her what was wrong.
This was the first time someone who wasn't an addict or a professional learned about Husband's addiction.
My mom was kind and understanding and supportive. My dad is a kind and patient and generous man who has a heart of gold. I have always had a special connection with my daddy and I wanted him to turn all Hulk and go crazy being mad and bloodthirsty because "how dare you hurt my baby girl!!!" but he didn't.
He started counseling and encouraging and working with Husband. They text each other regularly and he is constantly sending message of support and love. And deep down I'm glad. But the shallow un-Christ-like selfish pity-party part of me desperately wants someone to hate Husband for ruining my life. But nobody does.
So my parents know. Husband's parents do not. It's amazing how much that changes the dynamic of who I'd rather spend time with. I love my in-laws, but there is a pretense and a fake feeling when we're there.
"How are things?" they ask genuinely.
"Great. Nothing new. Just life." we mutter honestly....but not whole heartedly.
We don't talk about it regularly with my parents (usually when we're there other family members are too), but at least I know they know what they're asking and they know what I'm answering.
***********************
It's Mother's Day and we did the tour of the grandmas. We saw both of Husband's moms and my mom in a long drive across 3 counties. It's exhausting.
Mostly we spent the bulk of our day with my mom since we were with Husband's mom a lot yesterday.
While Husband was off playing with my kiddos, mom and I chatted a bit. At a lull in the conversation the questioning began.
Mom: "so...how are things going?"
Me: "Pretty good. I still get discouraged and we have good days and bad - but it's overall good....I think."
Mom: "Seems like there's still a lot of up and down." I assume my dad shares some of the accountability stuff with my mom.
Me: "Yeah. I think that's the nature of it, but that's worst part to me. I don't know really how he's doing. I think there will always be up and down, but I don't know if the downs getting downer means it's worse or if the ups getting upper means it's getting better."
Mom: [crickets]
I think people (mom & myself included) don't understand the nature of this.
There are days that I feel like eventually Husband's heart will change and he won't want this anymore. He'll quit craving such horrifying things.
But then I remember how he's addicted.
And then I remember that miracles happen and that the atonement can change people.
And then I remember that addicts in recovery don't call themselves "cured". They call themselves "in recovery".
And then I remember that anything is possible.
And then.....
So I wonder what recovery really looks (and feels) like. Does the worrying stop? Do you quit wondering? Do you still talk about it every day? Are the temptations still constant? Do you KNOW you will be celebrating your next anniversary?
I appreciate the concern, the love and support from my mom. But at the same time, I simply don't know how it's going. I don't know how to guage the recovery. I know we're trying. I know I see good signs. But I also know he still loses. And I also know he still wants to lose.
I hate the not knowing.
More than anything, I hate not knowing.
At the end of the year my little baby was born. I was already at the end of my rope with the addiction and I'd sortof had it with Husband and his attempt to look like he was trying to get better. And in December when Baby was just 5 weeks old Husband told me about his most gruesome and horrible loss to date which had happened earlier in the day "because" of my sexual inactivity. 5 weeks post-partum!
My sleep-deprived, exhausted, horrified, emotional self had an epic meltdown. I broke down in a major way, explaining to Husband that I simply couldn't do this anymore. I didn't have the energy to deal with the constant up and down. The roller coaster of emotions. The wondering if we'd be married at this time next year. The constant doubt and fear of misstep. I was spent in every possible way.
So I told Husband that I was leaving. Not forever, but that for now I needed someone to take care of me instead of demanding that I take care of them. I packed bags for me and the kids. I didn't know how long I'd be gone or even where I was going, but I knew I couldn't possibly handle him coming home tonight. I needed help with the new baby, the older baby and my own baby-like tendencies.
I just wanted to cry and have somebody tell me it was all going to be OK. I needed emotional support and love that Husband wasn't capable of providing.
So I went home.
I went to my mom's house, knocked on the door and asked if we could come in. I had melted into a puddle of tears and exhaustion before even getting through the doorway. She gathered me and my babies and held me patiently while I told her what was wrong.
This was the first time someone who wasn't an addict or a professional learned about Husband's addiction.
My mom was kind and understanding and supportive. My dad is a kind and patient and generous man who has a heart of gold. I have always had a special connection with my daddy and I wanted him to turn all Hulk and go crazy being mad and bloodthirsty because "how dare you hurt my baby girl!!!" but he didn't.
He started counseling and encouraging and working with Husband. They text each other regularly and he is constantly sending message of support and love. And deep down I'm glad. But the shallow un-Christ-like selfish pity-party part of me desperately wants someone to hate Husband for ruining my life. But nobody does.
So my parents know. Husband's parents do not. It's amazing how much that changes the dynamic of who I'd rather spend time with. I love my in-laws, but there is a pretense and a fake feeling when we're there.
"How are things?" they ask genuinely.
"Great. Nothing new. Just life." we mutter honestly....but not whole heartedly.
We don't talk about it regularly with my parents (usually when we're there other family members are too), but at least I know they know what they're asking and they know what I'm answering.
***********************
It's Mother's Day and we did the tour of the grandmas. We saw both of Husband's moms and my mom in a long drive across 3 counties. It's exhausting.
Mostly we spent the bulk of our day with my mom since we were with Husband's mom a lot yesterday.
While Husband was off playing with my kiddos, mom and I chatted a bit. At a lull in the conversation the questioning began.
Mom: "so...how are things going?"
Me: "Pretty good. I still get discouraged and we have good days and bad - but it's overall good....I think."
Mom: "Seems like there's still a lot of up and down." I assume my dad shares some of the accountability stuff with my mom.
Me: "Yeah. I think that's the nature of it, but that's worst part to me. I don't know really how he's doing. I think there will always be up and down, but I don't know if the downs getting downer means it's worse or if the ups getting upper means it's getting better."
Mom: [crickets]
I think people (mom & myself included) don't understand the nature of this.
There are days that I feel like eventually Husband's heart will change and he won't want this anymore. He'll quit craving such horrifying things.
But then I remember how he's addicted.
And then I remember that miracles happen and that the atonement can change people.
And then I remember that addicts in recovery don't call themselves "cured". They call themselves "in recovery".
And then I remember that anything is possible.
And then.....
So I wonder what recovery really looks (and feels) like. Does the worrying stop? Do you quit wondering? Do you still talk about it every day? Are the temptations still constant? Do you KNOW you will be celebrating your next anniversary?
I appreciate the concern, the love and support from my mom. But at the same time, I simply don't know how it's going. I don't know how to guage the recovery. I know we're trying. I know I see good signs. But I also know he still loses. And I also know he still wants to lose.
I hate the not knowing.
More than anything, I hate not knowing.
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