After a few days of hell. I mean it. HELL. Husband had an amazing victory on Tuesday night. Saturday he got all crazy turned on and I felt like I’d be feeding the addiction if I “hooked a brother up” (i.e. had sex with him) So I didn’t. And for him it got harder. And harder. And harder.
This is the cycle. He's horny. I decline a sexual invitation (for any number of reasons, sunburn, period, it's 11:30 and our kids are reading stories with us....whatever). Then he acts out, confesses, feels bad, apologizes, swears it will never happen again, rededicates himself and tries harder for a while. Until he gets turned on again.
But on Tuesday night when I got home after him being home alone with the boys for 8 hours he looked like hell. He hadn’t shaved or showered since Sunday. He had been getting up at the crack of dawn and spending the days out in the yard. He was filthy and tired and looked......horrible. As I walked in the door he all but collapsed on the kitchen floor and told me he thought it was over. The horniness had finally eased up and he felt like he was going to live.
This was the first time in his life that a sexual craving – that feeling of “do or die” had left his body without him acting on it. He honestly didn’t believe that could happen. To be honest I have no idea why he let it ride this time. No clue why he worked so hard. But he did and I swear to you I’ve never been so proud of him. Ever. Suddenly we both know it is possible. And that. Is. Huge.
It has now been 48 hours since the big success and he’s back in the throes of it.
He’s mad because I pushed his hand away when he groped me this morning.
He’s hurt that I let him go through all of that earlier this week.
He’s discouraged because the high didn’t last long enough.
And he’s struggling.
As I started getting ready for work he told me he really wished I could stay home and be with the family so we could go do something fun (and distracting). He didn’t ask me to call in sick and certainly didn’t expect it, but I know he would have been over the moon if I had.
A few years ago I made a conscious decision to take the stance that his addiction would never ever impact my schedule; but after spending a night a week at recovery meetings, a fortune on therapy and far too many moments worrying, thinking, and planning I can't really pretend it doesn’t affect my schedule anymore.
Which has me wondering (again) where is that line? I’m not his babysitter, I don’t call in sick to my job because he can’t keep it in his pants and I don’t think I need to fix it for him. But I truly do want to SUPPORT any recovery behavior.
How do I clarify (for me and for him) what is an appropriate request and what is not?
I think you have already drawn the line Ina good place. Not rearranging your schedule for him is a healthy boundary. You'll be there to spend time with your family when your responsibilities are done.
ReplyDeleteOkay I don't want to be lame here, but what exactly is te recovery behavior you're wanting to support?
ReplyDeleteYay for the survival. You ever read Andrew's posts on Rowboatandmarbles?? Sex is indeed optional. So is masturbation. People can die without eating food...they don't die without sex. Haha, I laugh only bc I know how it is. You survive a day. or a moment, only to be attacked the next day. And you surrender it again. AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN. It is a miracle that only GOD can grant us because frankly...addicts can't beat this on their own. They simply cannot. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I've mentioned before in other posts that I don't think masturbation is actually a bad/evil thing that needs to be avoided completely, but this post just made me realize that I want to have many conversations with my kids about the importance of always being in control of ourselves. I think (there go my uninformed opinions again...) that if young men learn to control themselves when young they can have a choice when they are older. (And by "control themselves" I don't mean deprive themselves and feel ashamed and live in fear of messing up, but learning how to choose when to seek pleasure in life and when to hold back for a better good, which in this case would be not being a slave to sexual urges in the future.) Does that make sense? Perhaps I should write this in my blog so I don't forget to talk to my boys about it in the future. :)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm happy for the small step. Hang in there. My advice? Rearrange your schedule for things that have to do with healthy family behavior. Not necessarily so he can have a distraction from his addiction. That's his job, not yours.