My testimony is shallow (if I'm being critical of myself) and low maintenance (if I'm being generous) and in reality probably lies somewhere in between.
It hasn't ever been hard for me to believe in the Gospel. It hasn't been hard to make sacrifices for the church. It hasn't been hard for me to reach out or to serve or to believe in something more. My faith comes easily and with very little work. And though I feel like this addiction has brought my world crashing down it's still easy for me to see God in the little things and feel a general sense of guidance through life. Even through this, I haven't really entertained the idea that He isn't there.
That's my justification for the very little effort I put into my testimony and my relationship with God.
Husband has generally been the same way. Though this whole experience has brought him to his knees. And I'm noticing a change. The real kind.
The kind of change where he bring his scriptures with him everywhere we go. A few weeks ago we went camping and he brought them with him - even getting out of the warm tent to face the cold night to retrieve and read them in the darkness. It sounds like a "duh" thing to those of you who dive in and feast every day, but it was a big thing for me to see.
These are the kinds of changes I'm not sure I'm ready to make for myself. These are the kinds of changes I'm afraid it will take to truly discover who I am. When I think about it logically I don't know what I have to lose, I just know it's overwhelming and paralyzing right now. And for now my simple faith is more attractive.
But it's also beautiful to watch in him - not for the first time - seeing his goodness has me longing to be a better person with more depth.
It's strange for me to see this in him while simultaneously seeing the addiction rule his life. But I suppose like all things in life, it's not all good or all bad. But somewhere, wavering between.
That is wonderful!
ReplyDeleteOkay Gal- I can relate to this so much. This is why I love you!
ReplyDeleteI had some real and legitimate doubts about my faith, but I have had some good experiences and feel like in general my doubts have been resolved. But I'm realizing that having doubts about my faith made for a perfect excuse to not make any spiritual efforts.
It reminds me of a conversation I had with my therapist a few months ago. I was telling her about how whenever I have a thought to do something kind for someone my brain takes this weird turn and my thought patterns go like this
"But what if they are annoyed by my gesture? What if I'm over-stepping my bounds?"
I was convinced that my erred thinking was based in low self-esteem but my counselor asked me "What's in it for you?" Meaning, IF I decide not to do something out of fear of bothering someone, what's in it for me? Well, I am off the hook! My thinking errors were just a way of freeing myself from the guilt of not doing something for someone else.
Anyway, I've realized that a big part of my attitude about spirituality is just a way to let go of any obligation to do spiritual things. Which, I know is only hurting myself in the long run. (Assuming I really believe what I say I do about God and my relationship with him.)
Okay enough rambling! I love your honesty. Thanks for writing, I always appreciate it.
I swear Jane, you and I are made of the same stuff. Which makes me like me more. :)
DeleteI learned in some kind of therapy sometime along the way that question. "What am I getting out of this?" because there's ALWAYS a payout.
What do I get out of victimizing myself? Lower expectations. Lower expectations = higher chances of success.
Anyway, yeah. Always.
Those kind of changes make me hopeful! I'm hoping for the best for you. :)
ReplyDeleteI was a lot like you a few months ago, but something changed in me. I felt a pull to search for my identity within my past. I found old journals, letters, cards, etc and started reading. I discovered my worth there and felt a strong desire to just read anything spiritual. I started with Ensigns and then moved into my scriptures. I've been really feasting for the first time ever and I love it!
ReplyDeleteI go outside and sit at a picnic table on my back patio every morning and read before any of the kids get up and study until they find me. I don't always read my scriptures, I like to read Ensign or New Era articles or my journal. It's my self-care time. It really rejuvenates me and give me a kick of joy for the day. Sounds super cheesy I know, but I can't seem to stop doing it.
My husband is the opposite. He prefers the news before scriptures, but I do see him changing in other ways.
Reading about your husband's love for the scriptures gives me hope.