The year is 2010 Husband and I are sitting on our shrink's sofa. The cushions haven't yet molded to our butts because we're still relatively new here.
Shrink: Well, I guess what I'm saying is that you get to choose. Live with it or don't.
Buffalo Gal: I don't want to. I want it to go away. I hate that this is part of MY life when I didn't invite it.
S: Well, you get to choose. Live with it or don't.
BG: I choose don't.
S: Husband, what do you choose?
H: Well obviously this isn't what I wanted in my life.
S: So....
A few weeks later I saw Shrink alone for the first time. He was Husband's Shrink and I stole him.
Shrink: There's a woman in my ward who is married to an alcoholic. He's not working on it. She hates that he's an alcoholic and she doesn't want him to be, but he is and he's who she married. So she comes to church with her kids and listens to the lessons and serves in callings and goes home to her alcoholic husband every day. Sometimes he's drunk, sometimes he's not, but she lives the way she wants to all the time.
BG: I will never ever do that. I don't want to just accept it. I don't want to live with it. I don't want to tolerate it or start to believe there are worse things. I like hating this behavior because it's wrong and I'm right to hate it.
Shrink: Yep. You are. So I guess what I'm saying is that you get to choose. Live with it or don't.
BG: I choose don't.
I'm not really sure when it happened, but somewhere along the way, I changed my mind. Today I choose live with it.
The thought of Husband in his addiction no longer disgusts me or makes me want to claw the arms of the couch wishing I could crawl inside it.
When I see people living with imperfect people my blood doesn't boil and I no longer sit on my high horse reminding them that they should hate with a fiery passion all that is wrong.
I suppose I've climbed down and chosen to slum it with the addict. A choice I couldn't even comprehend 3 years ago.
But here I am. I'd still like to live without it because the addiction magically disappears one night, but if not, today I choose to stay. And that choice doesn't sound as idiotic and weak as it used to.
Great post :) I choose to live with it, too. You are amazing!
ReplyDeleteI like this post! I can relate to the evolution of thought as the years go on. I am making a choice to stay, too. It's good to be reminded of that.
ReplyDeleteWow. This post is incredible. What insight. "slum it with the addict." "should hate with a fiery passion all that is wrong." I like the difference. It's like switching your energy from focusing on it and loathing it, to accepting (though not approving) it, and find happiness in there somehow.
ReplyDeleteI just adore you. Seriously, I do.