About 6 weeks ago Husband and I had a (typical) meeting with Therapist. We talked about all the normal things and got the same advice we've been getting on a regular basis for the past 2 years.
"You have an anxiety disorder. You cannot skip things like people without a disorder do."
"If you don't start talking about things, it won't be better."
"You have to monitor yourself"
Nothing was new information. Nothing was a big revelation. But suddenly Husband heard number 2. "You HAVE to talk more."
When Husband and I were dating we couldn't talk to each other enough. We always had so much to say, but over the last few years our conversations have dwindled almost to the point of not existing. When we do talk it's strictly business.
"Did you pay this bill?"
"Can you stay home with the boys while I get groceries?"
"What should we do about the constant fit-throwing?"
"What time is your meeting?"
Except when Husband has a big breakdown. Then it's a long painful overwhelming conversation filled with emotions and tears and reassurance.
But as we left Therapist's office that day, it was like someone had flipped the "on" switch to Husband's brain and he heard it suddenly.
He started talking to me the way he did when we were dating. Immediately. No warming into it, no slowly getting better, he was just suddenly and miraculously capable of conversation in a way that he hasn't been for years.
These 6 weeks have been amazing. Husband has acted out, he's lost battles with Satan, he's made poor choices, and he's disappointed me.
But I don't care like I used to. I don't hate him for it. I wish it was different, I wish he wasn't so sad, I wish he could see the way his choices affect us. But I'm not mad. At all.
Instead I'm in love with him again. He is my friend and my confidant. I am his friend and I just want him to be happy and healthy. I am cheering him on and crying with him instead of crying because of him. We're both trying and it feels amazing.
I've missed him these past few years.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Ouch
I serve in RS presidency in my ward, and Husband serves in another presidency. We're very active and (I think) from the outside look like our little perfect life is little and perfect. Our incredibly close (really might as well be family) friend in the ward serves as EQ President. He is teaching the presidency instruction lesson next month and called last night asking me for a favor.
He wants me to write a letter explaining why it means so much to me to have the Priesthood in my home. He also wants me to say one thing I wish my husband (as a priesthood holder) would do better. He's asking a few people to do this and they will be shared anonymously in Elder's Quorum. When he asked I caught my breath, and willingly agreed to do it. Then immediately hung up the phone and wept.
How am I supposed to write this letter? I'm NOT glad to have the priesthood in my home because I don't. I desperately wish I did, but the truth of the matter is that my perfect little family is terribly flawed. I go to the temple, but Husband can't. I desperately wish I could have a blessing of comfort and guidance, but Husband can't give one to me. I hope that by the time my boys are of age, he'll be able to baptize them, but I don't know if that will happen. Right now he just isn't the Priesthood holder that I wish he was. What can he do better? He could stop looking at porn for starters! (OK I know it's not that simple....but really - how great would that be?)
I was in the kitchen when the call came and Husband was in the living room eavesdropping on my side of the conversation. I cried and he asked what was wrong. I told him about the request from our good friend and he was speechless.
Within a few minutes I was fine again. (I'm a crier. My tears don't signify a MAJOR disruption in life...) But Husband was stung pretty badly. It was one of those (few) moments that it was very clear to him what his addiction is costing our family.
I have a few days to think about how to write this letter....I'm praying that I can say the right thing and be honest.
He wants me to write a letter explaining why it means so much to me to have the Priesthood in my home. He also wants me to say one thing I wish my husband (as a priesthood holder) would do better. He's asking a few people to do this and they will be shared anonymously in Elder's Quorum. When he asked I caught my breath, and willingly agreed to do it. Then immediately hung up the phone and wept.
How am I supposed to write this letter? I'm NOT glad to have the priesthood in my home because I don't. I desperately wish I did, but the truth of the matter is that my perfect little family is terribly flawed. I go to the temple, but Husband can't. I desperately wish I could have a blessing of comfort and guidance, but Husband can't give one to me. I hope that by the time my boys are of age, he'll be able to baptize them, but I don't know if that will happen. Right now he just isn't the Priesthood holder that I wish he was. What can he do better? He could stop looking at porn for starters! (OK I know it's not that simple....but really - how great would that be?)
I was in the kitchen when the call came and Husband was in the living room eavesdropping on my side of the conversation. I cried and he asked what was wrong. I told him about the request from our good friend and he was speechless.
Within a few minutes I was fine again. (I'm a crier. My tears don't signify a MAJOR disruption in life...) But Husband was stung pretty badly. It was one of those (few) moments that it was very clear to him what his addiction is costing our family.
I have a few days to think about how to write this letter....I'm praying that I can say the right thing and be honest.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
The Short Version
Husband and I have been married since 2006. Our first son was born in 2009 and our second in 2011.
Before we were married, Husband had a problem with masturbation. But he (and I) were pretty sure that once we were married (and therefore sexually active) there would be no need for that. Turns out that is not quite how it works.
About a year into our marriage Husband had one "small" issue with porn. Which he "took care of" (what is that supposed to mean anyway?) and we moved on. Then it happened again. And again. And again. A lot of Bishops didn't think it was a big deal because he wasn't a frequent or intense user.
It's been almost 5 years now and he's finally starting to treat this as an addiction. We have a lot of bad days and some good days and we're working through it. At least that's the goal.
Before we were married, Husband had a problem with masturbation. But he (and I) were pretty sure that once we were married (and therefore sexually active) there would be no need for that. Turns out that is not quite how it works.
About a year into our marriage Husband had one "small" issue with porn. Which he "took care of" (what is that supposed to mean anyway?) and we moved on. Then it happened again. And again. And again. A lot of Bishops didn't think it was a big deal because he wasn't a frequent or intense user.
It's been almost 5 years now and he's finally starting to treat this as an addiction. We have a lot of bad days and some good days and we're working through it. At least that's the goal.
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