Who would've thought?

I'd been reading a book in which one of the characters is married to this manipulative douche of a guy. (Forgive my language.) She doesn't see it and just keeps thinking she needs to try harder. And harder. And be better. And prettier. And smarter. And give more. and and and....

Eventually he hits her and she threatens to leave and he talks her into staying. They have a child together and when he hits her again she leaves.

I read this book and kept thinking am I that girl? Am I sticking around being stupid and how bad will it have to be before I leave? You need to know Husband has never hit me. He is a quiet calm man and although he gets frustrated he never takes it out on me or the kids - he just gets mad and eventually masturbates or looks at porn. Would somebody read the story of my life and be yelling at my pages "leave him!!! you are much better than that! LEAVE HIM!!! It will be OK!" Would I have followers routing for me to make it on my own?

I recommended this book to Husband because I thoroughly enjoyed it and thought he would too. This relationship story is a small part of a much bigger story following an LDS family during WWII.

We happened to be on a long road trip together when Husband was listening to this part of the book and he was visibly emotional listening to this story.
Good. He's realizing what a horrible person he's been. I thought.
He's seeing himself from a 3rd party perspective and he's realizing how poorly he's been treating us.
After a few miles when she had left her abusive Husband and settled into her own life I asked Husband if he wanted to talk about it.

"I just need you to know I will never put up with being hit." he started.

A few minutes into his speech I realized He thought He was the one being abused. He was relating to the same character I was. The battered wife. It never crossed his mind that he might be the manipulative douchey husband. I was floored. Because it never crossed my mind either.

I am definitely the one with the stronger personality of the two of us. I am a master at belittling him and reminding him that he's ruining our life. I almost always know which words will hurt the most and I rarely hold them back. Because in my mind he deserves it. Am I the douchey husband? Is he the one who's scared of ME?

A few weeks later when we had our commitment talk I realized that when we discuss separating and he tells me he doesn't know if he can "do it" he isn't talking about sobriety.
I say "I'm tired of this and I don't know how much longer I can do it." It = stay married to you because your'e making my life unbearable.
He says "I don't know either." It = stay married to you because you're making my life unbearable.
I always thought he meant he didn't know how long he could stop behaving this way so I would stay married to him, but it turns out he doesn't even want to be marrieed to me. He doesn't know how long he can stand it because he's miserable too.

What a slap in the face.
I hate admitting that I'm so self-righteous it never occurred to me, but I am.
I hate admitting that I might be making him miserable too, but I am.
I hate admitting that now I know that because if I know I'm ruining his life and I don't change then I am doing exactly what I hate about him.

But there it is. In black and white. And as we all know, if it's on the internet then it's true. (ha ha ha ha!) And now I've put it onthe internet.

Ouch. It's not easy being the bad guy.

A Race?

I "ran" a race this weekend with Husband and the kids (always a good experience) and when we got back to our car this flyer was on it.

I love this for no less than 29 reasons all of which I won't list here.

Just know that a free 5k supporting the idea of replacing addiction with exercise is something I can't stand NOT to attend. I bet that this isn't the "type" of addiction they have in mind, but I don't mind being outnumbered by other addicts.

Besides, since Husband is a sucker for free stuff, and I'm a sucker for supporting stuff, we plan to be there.

Are you in Utah? Will you come with us? Please?

*Can you read that? More info at the Addict II Athlete website here.

Off the Table

Husband and I "celebrated" our anniversary last month.

Last year on our 5th anniversary I felt like I had exactly nothing to celebrate. We were two people living together who positively couldn't stand each other. I cried all the time because I couldn't believe my life was such a sham. But I had no idea what to do. I had an almost-two-year-old son and another on the way. I had married Husband fully believing that our life together was worth living. But somehow everything had gone horribly wrong and on our 5th anniversary I didn't know if we'd last even one more week, let alone another year.

Before we were married we played the "where will we be in 5 years" game often. Usually our answers were things like a house, kids, done with school, a real live job!, living somewhere new and exciting but on our 5th anniversary we were sitting in our therapists office wondering if we'd stay together or separate.

As our anniversary approached this year (6 years) I started to feel some hope. Maybe this year we'll celebrate for real. We'll have something worth celebrating. And although we're still very much in the thick of it, I finally felt like we had accomplished something by making it this far no matter what the future holds.

But on our 6th anniversary we wandered the local mall fighting and weeping and feeling nothing but hopelessness and anger.

I asked Husband if he wanted in or out because I've been second guessing where we'd be for far too long. He gave me his typical answer.

"I don't know, if we can be happy I want us to be together. If not I don't see the point."

The same thing I think about much too often.

So I told him I needed some kind of commitment.

He told me that we may as well separate then. Because he just didn't know.

After some further discussion we both decided that we could commit to a short period of time during which our separation would not be an option.

So for 6 months, beginning on our anniversary (in July) separation is not an option. We're in. No matter what.

This was hard for me to commit to. Because I'm afraid of what might happen. I don't know if I'm really in "no matter what". I feel like we've been teetering for so long that it wouldn't take much for me to throw in the towel. But for the next 6 months at least we'll be together. Here's hoping that 6 months doubles and our 7th anniversary is something worth celebrating.

What do you think - stupid? Unreasonable? Sad?

Losing It

I have a strong personality and strong opinions about most things and apparently I can be a bit controlling.

Husband is laid back and easy going and usually is willing to go with whatever is happening.

But lately Husband has been standing up for himself more and it's making me realize my own issues.

I am frustrated and angry and have so very little patience and tolerance for Husband. I'm so mad and so angry and I say so many things I almost immediately regret. I totally lose control and I'm still not sure why.

The good news is I know a good therapist. (ha ha ha.  I hate knowing a good therapist.) and while I'd much rather just pretend it's not a problem because Husband should do things my way anyway, (it is the right way after all) and then we won't have to do anything different; I'm fairly confident that at some point I'm going to have to learn how to make it through that feeling of anxiety without hating the person causing it.