Fact or Fiction

When I get surrounded by WoPAs I feel woefully inadequate. I haven't read or studied enough. I haven't experienced enough pain. I don't know what it's like to have my spouse actually sleep with someone else. I don't even think I've ever been lied to about it. Sometimes the truth is a bit delayed, but it always comes out without prompting from me.

Don't get me wrong, I feel betrayed, embarrassed and cheated. My life is not what I had planned and through no fault of my own I sit by myself at temple sealings for family members trying to offer a good reason that Husband isn't there. I feel like our relationship is lies. I feel pressure to do (or not do) things that he has seen. I feel judged and compared and inadequate.

But I've never known anyone as willing to pile the confessions on like Husband. He can't handle the guilt, so he drops it all in my lap telling me what happened and why and how it's never going to happen again.

At least I think that's the case.

I always chase that "he's always told me" statement with a quick "as far as I know" because I don't want to appear naive. I want other WoPAs to know that I know I might be stupid or blind or simply unwilling to look hard.  I know he might be lying. I know there might be more. I know that I don't know anything.

But the truth is I believe him. One time I found something he hadn't told me about and approached him. He backtracked and gave me at least 9 excuses in 30 seconds, like bullets from a gun.
"It wasn't me."
"I was just looking at something for school."
"Somebody else must have clicked on that."
"It popped up out of nowhere and I closed it right away."
"I just had a moment of weakness, but I got control and nothing happened.:
"I don't know how it got there."

He is a super-crappy liar. I like to think it's because he's had so little practice, but for all I know, that's a big lie too right? Maybe he's a super-fantastic liar who is so good at lying he pretends to be crappy. Lulling me into a false sense of security. It's all part of his master plan.

I found some comfort in the fact that a fellow WoPA had a rediculously honest husband too. I felt like I wasn't merrited in calling Husband's problem and addiction if he hadn't lied. And at the same time I felt like he probably was lying and I was just blind to it because I'm stupid. I can't stand to be the only one experiencing it the way I am. It makes me feel lonely and foolish and lost.
So I'm wondering, is it all a lie? Or is he in fact insanely stupidly honest? Is it even possible?

Rodents

I live in a neighborhood with a brutal rodent problem. Mice and voles to be exact.

Until last month I didn't know what voles even were. But now I see their tiny body parts strewn across my sidewalks every time I leave my house.

The infestation is so bad that each time I jog or bike on the trail nearby I measure my distance in dead rodents. This morning's jog was 37 rodents. Also 37 minutes. So....there's that.

Every time I check in on facebook there are updates of whose porch is littered with pieces of the things.

It's filthy. And disgusting. And gives us all the heebie jeebies.

And now you see why I'm writing this on "the porn blog".

It's interesting to watch everybody's reaction to the infestation:
Sister Smith has taken it upon herself to call the city demanding they do something.
Brother Johnson bought a cat and let it have a million babies all of whom are killing machines.
The Williams children throw rocks and use slingshots.
Sister Jones orders poison by the caseload every month.

But the majority of us are simply doing the very little we can to keep the filth out of own homes. We certainly don't lay out cheese and crackers, or leave our doors and windows open inviting them in.
We find the holes and fill them.
We lay traps and poison.
We try to set up barriers.
And then we clean up the carcasses.

But because of the overwhelming number, it simply isn't enough. We still find them on our lawn, sidewalks and porches. We still squirm as we watch them run across the road. There are still 37 mice in a 37 minute run.

So I'm wondering, what will it take? It seems to me that it will take an enormous unified effort. Every neighbor pitching in at once. Every person laying poison and filling holes. We ALL need to be sharing our information and connecting our resources. Because this isn't a battle one household can win alone.

And so it is with porn.

So please, share what you know. Invite people around you to meetings, blogs & forums. Let them know what has worked for you and let them share with you what works for them. This may not be every person's current top priority and that's ok but the more people sharing what works, the better off we'll be.

So.....do you feel any hope?

I had the chance to chat with my mom alone for a few hours yesterday which almost never happens. We were talking about how things are going and where I'm finding help. Then she asked "So......do you feel any hope?"

I was glad to easily answer "yes".

I explained to her that while I don't often feel like Husband is really doing what he needs to, I do think he will someday. I do know that it could be worse. I don't feel like I could leave and find someone I love more or someone who doesn't have this problem. The truth is that Husband is a wonderful match for me. He is an incredible human being, and although there are time I want to physically hurt him, there are more times that I know how lucky I am to have him.

So I suppose that's where I am now.

I've wanted to write about how things are now so I can look back in a year and see how things are. (you wanna do it too? do it!)  Moving forward? Still getting worse? Feeling happier?

The bad signs:
Husband is currently in the acting out every 5-12 days cycle.
He still thinks it's my fault and if I'd just ______ (usually "blank" is "have sex more" but sometimes it's something else) it wouldn't be a problem.
There are days I still think everything bad is his (and the addiction's) fault and I snap at him. I'm not consistently patient and loving and kind. But I'm trying to be.

The good signs:
He's been stuck in this cycle for a while, so I think he'll probably have a long stretch (3-4 months?) of sobriety ahead of him soon.
He goes to PASG every week.
He always tells me the truth. (As far as I know.) I have never caught him because he has always been upfront about it.
I have found an incredible group of women who support and encourage me. (hopeandhealinglds.com)
I am detaching. Feel sorry and sad for him instead of mad at him when he loses.
We're dating again. Which is more fun than I can even explain.


Here's hoping I remember to check back in a year to see how it's going then. Will I still feel hope? I think so.