There I was chanting my don't panic mantra, and Husband was off planning his success.
Husband has 4 younger siblings, all of whom simply adore him. he invited the youngest 3 including a newly returned misisonary, a sister in college and littlest brother (16) to come have a sleepover and play games all night long.
He got a pizza, busted out the Wii and had (willing) babysitters for himself all weekend long.
They came shortly after I left on Friday, and stayed helping with the kids and playing games and enjoying each other's company until Saturday afternoon. He had a harder time doing The Stuff to the full extent with such a full house, but he did at least a shortened version of everything. He made sure to keep all of his own rules and was especially glad for the company until the wee hours of the morning when it would have been so so hard.
Sometimes I'm amazed by his thoughtlessness and seeming stupidity. But other times I regain confidence in his foresight and ability to make good decisions.
What a great weekend victory for him.
*As a side note, I can feel the tension rising. he's on edge, it's been a while, and this is typically when he gets sloppy and stupid. These are the hardest weeks for me because I'm constantly waiting for him to lose. Suggestions on how to avoid pushing him over the edge? I'm open!*
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Don't Panic, don't panic, don't panic
I'm running in a 5k in a city about an hour's drive from my home. Since I'm doing it with a bunch of girls in the ward and since we really like each other, we're turning it into a girls weekend and spending the night away from home.
A (teeny tiny and ever shrinking) part of me is a bit nervous for Husband. But the bigger (and growing) part of me realizes that it's all the same whether I'm here or not. That's part of the addiction. No safeguards will prevent it.
So off I go for a weekend of relaxing and running and having a ball! Chanting to myself all the way.
don't panic, don't panic, don't panic. you got this. he's got this. don't panic.
Because of all the things I am, I am not his babysitter.
A (teeny tiny and ever shrinking) part of me is a bit nervous for Husband. But the bigger (and growing) part of me realizes that it's all the same whether I'm here or not. That's part of the addiction. No safeguards will prevent it.
So off I go for a weekend of relaxing and running and having a ball! Chanting to myself all the way.
don't panic, don't panic, don't panic. you got this. he's got this. don't panic.
Because of all the things I am, I am not his babysitter.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Until My Eyeballs Burn
Sunday night is Addiction Night at my house.
Husbang goes to PASG and I become immersed in the blogs the messages boards and forums. I write and weep and google. All until my eyeballs burn.
I want so desperately for it all to be better. I don't care that I'm running on 4 hours sleep and the house is quiet. I want to learn what I'm supposed to learn, to check in on my dear friends who I love, and to write and think and PRAY.
It's rare that I go to sleep before the burning sets in.
So when Husband comes home and takes one look at my raging red eyes asking if I've been crying I always say yes.
My heart has been weeping for sisters I've never met.
My spirit has been crying out for help! Help me know what to say. What not to say. What to ask. What to read. What to skim. What is worth this time.
And often I have been literally crying. Water from my eyes. Not continually for the hours he's been gone, but I've certainly shed a tear or two while thinking about my life and the lives of those I know.
So yes, I've been reading, and crying, and I'll likely continue to do it every week. Until my eyeballs burn.
Husbang goes to PASG and I become immersed in the blogs the messages boards and forums. I write and weep and google. All until my eyeballs burn.
I want so desperately for it all to be better. I don't care that I'm running on 4 hours sleep and the house is quiet. I want to learn what I'm supposed to learn, to check in on my dear friends who I love, and to write and think and PRAY.
It's rare that I go to sleep before the burning sets in.
So when Husband comes home and takes one look at my raging red eyes asking if I've been crying I always say yes.
My heart has been weeping for sisters I've never met.
My spirit has been crying out for help! Help me know what to say. What not to say. What to ask. What to read. What to skim. What is worth this time.
And often I have been literally crying. Water from my eyes. Not continually for the hours he's been gone, but I've certainly shed a tear or two while thinking about my life and the lives of those I know.
So yes, I've been reading, and crying, and I'll likely continue to do it every week. Until my eyeballs burn.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Marriage Enrichment Night
Marriage Enrichment is a program based here in Utah that I really really love. Every quarter they have a "Date night" where a special guest speaker comes and talks in a pretty small setting about how to strengthen marriages. I just found out that tomorrow's date night is taught by Dr. Mark Chamberlain - a sexual addiction specialist. These nights are always well done and I always come away from them feeling uplifted and ready for what's next.
I know this is really late notice, but if you are available or in the area, please consider coming! Here's the information I just received. Please spread the word to anybody you think could benefit!
Our APRIL 21 Date Night will feature Mark Chamberlain a well known author of several books and a local family counselor.
To be held at 7:30
Foothill 6th Ward -- 2200 East 1500 South
Dr. Chamberlain, Ph.D. is a psychologist specializing in the treatment of sexual issues, addiction, and marriage. He received his Ph.D. from Brigham Young University. Before joining ARCH he worked at Utah Youth Village, McKay-Dee Hospital's drug and alcohol treatment program, and taught psychology at Brigham Young University-Idaho. He has served on the boards of trustees for a domestic violence shelter, the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists, and Evergreen International. Over the last several years he has traveled throughout the United States providing continuing education training for therapists on treating pornography addiction and other sexual problems. Mark is the author or coauthor of several books including Willpower Is Not Enough: Why We Don’t Succeed at Change, Wanting More: The Challenge of Enjoyment in the Age of Addiction, and Confronting Pornography. He and his wife, Jenny, are the parents of seven children.
I know this is really late notice, but if you are available or in the area, please consider coming! Here's the information I just received. Please spread the word to anybody you think could benefit!
Our APRIL 21 Date Night will feature Mark Chamberlain a well known author of several books and a local family counselor.
To be held at 7:30
Foothill 6th Ward -- 2200 East 1500 South
Dr. Chamberlain, Ph.D. is a psychologist specializing in the treatment of sexual issues, addiction, and marriage. He received his Ph.D. from Brigham Young University. Before joining ARCH he worked at Utah Youth Village, McKay-Dee Hospital's drug and alcohol treatment program, and taught psychology at Brigham Young University-Idaho. He has served on the boards of trustees for a domestic violence shelter, the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists, and Evergreen International. Over the last several years he has traveled throughout the United States providing continuing education training for therapists on treating pornography addiction and other sexual problems. Mark is the author or coauthor of several books including Willpower Is Not Enough: Why We Don’t Succeed at Change, Wanting More: The Challenge of Enjoyment in the Age of Addiction, and Confronting Pornography. He and his wife, Jenny, are the parents of seven children.
The Biggest Tiny Victory
I am not a runner. But I sometimes run - only because it's good for me and I like how I feel AFTER the run. But I am slow. And I max out at about 3.5 miles. I run 3-4 times/week, but I am NOT a runner.
The root of Husband's addiction is anxiety. Pretty deep anxiety. And one of the things Therapist has suggested is Husband exercising every day.
Husband adds it to his Stuff list and does the very bare minimum. Walking, pacing, or going up and down our stairs for 15 minutes at a time.
So it was our ward 5K a couple of weeks ago, and I was going to run it, but the day of the race, Husband decided he wanted to come too. So we threw the boys in the jogging stroller and did it together. It was lovely. We chatted, we walked, we ran, we pushed. We had a great time.
And immediately after the race, while still on the running high, Husband casually said "we should do this every other day from now on" and I said "Sure!".
So we've been running together this week. We're starting from ground zero, walking a lot, running a little, and talking the whole time. But it has been great. It gets us outside, enjoying each other, and treating our bodies well all at once.
So the running in itself is a gigantic victory in my mind. The real conversation while we run is huge too.
But yesterday as Husband and I got to the trail where we run we had to choose Left or Right, husband had the Biggest Tiny Victory. I told him these were his runs and he could choose. I didn't care. He picked Left and on we went.
At the end of our run, he said told me why.
"I'm feeling pretty proud of myself." he started.
"Yeah, this was a great run, you did awesome and we went far!" I assumed (like usual) that I knew what he was talking about.
"Yeah, but I picked Left." he corrected me.
........
"I don't know if you noticed, but when we got to the trail, there was a lady running just ahead of us. She was wearing skimpy running clothes and I thought hey....we could run behind her and look at that the whole time! and then chose Left instead. I thought running away from her would have been better. So I picked Left."
He was surprised when I told him that THOSE were the kinds of decisions that made the difference in this addiciton. THAT was winning a battle. I was so proud and he was shocked that I was so happy he told me.
When losing weight, my favorites are the non-scale victories NSVs. Losing a pound or 2 (or 50!) is awesome and feels great. But riding my bike as transportation, or outrunning my kids is WAY better.
This was a non-porn victory (NPV) in my mind. If he can keep these tiny personal private thoughts in his head clean, he won't ever get to the point of sitting in front of his laptop staring at the blinking google search bar. When he has consistent NPVs he won't even have to fight the big battles.
So today we're celebrating the Biggest tiny victory. And praying for more like them.
The root of Husband's addiction is anxiety. Pretty deep anxiety. And one of the things Therapist has suggested is Husband exercising every day.
Husband adds it to his Stuff list and does the very bare minimum. Walking, pacing, or going up and down our stairs for 15 minutes at a time.
So it was our ward 5K a couple of weeks ago, and I was going to run it, but the day of the race, Husband decided he wanted to come too. So we threw the boys in the jogging stroller and did it together. It was lovely. We chatted, we walked, we ran, we pushed. We had a great time.
And immediately after the race, while still on the running high, Husband casually said "we should do this every other day from now on" and I said "Sure!".
So we've been running together this week. We're starting from ground zero, walking a lot, running a little, and talking the whole time. But it has been great. It gets us outside, enjoying each other, and treating our bodies well all at once.
So the running in itself is a gigantic victory in my mind. The real conversation while we run is huge too.
But yesterday as Husband and I got to the trail where we run we had to choose Left or Right, husband had the Biggest Tiny Victory. I told him these were his runs and he could choose. I didn't care. He picked Left and on we went.
At the end of our run, he said told me why.
"I'm feeling pretty proud of myself." he started.
"Yeah, this was a great run, you did awesome and we went far!" I assumed (like usual) that I knew what he was talking about.
"Yeah, but I picked Left." he corrected me.
........
"I don't know if you noticed, but when we got to the trail, there was a lady running just ahead of us. She was wearing skimpy running clothes and I thought hey....we could run behind her and look at that the whole time! and then chose Left instead. I thought running away from her would have been better. So I picked Left."
He was surprised when I told him that THOSE were the kinds of decisions that made the difference in this addiciton. THAT was winning a battle. I was so proud and he was shocked that I was so happy he told me.
When losing weight, my favorites are the non-scale victories NSVs. Losing a pound or 2 (or 50!) is awesome and feels great. But riding my bike as transportation, or outrunning my kids is WAY better.
This was a non-porn victory (NPV) in my mind. If he can keep these tiny personal private thoughts in his head clean, he won't ever get to the point of sitting in front of his laptop staring at the blinking google search bar. When he has consistent NPVs he won't even have to fight the big battles.
So today we're celebrating the Biggest tiny victory. And praying for more like them.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Buffalo Art
After I read GreenOlives' comment on my last post, I wished and wished that someone had made a
"Kill Your Own Buffalo" word art over some beautiful picture of flowers or something. But they hadn't. (Weird, right? Who DOESN'T want this one their wall?)
"Kill Your Own Buffalo" word art over some beautiful picture of flowers or something. But they hadn't. (Weird, right? Who DOESN'T want this one their wall?)
And now I want to rename my blog.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Killing My Own Buffalo
On a recent post a commenter mentioned something about being a strong pioneer woman and killing her own buffalo and dragging her own handcard "across the plains" and hoping the man decides to help instead of hinder that journey.
I've been told no less than10,000 times that I need to focus on ME and MY recovery and MY life and make sure that I'M doing what I need to do to honor MY covenants and commitments.
Never before has it sounded like that. It's always sounded like one of those "you can't help someone else if you don't help yourself" statements about the oxygen things on an airplane. Or worse "get out of his business becuase you're not helpful to him anyway."
But "kill your own buffalo" shows me very clearly and simply that I am responsible for my own salvation and life.
I've been very good at playing the victim because I've never done anything wrong in my whole life! (OK that's not true, obviously...so please sense the sarcasm.) and Husband came out of nowhere and blindsided me with this horribly ugly disgusting thing in OUR life together. And it's all his fault! (Do I sound like a whiny 12 year old girl? Did you hear the sound of the door slamming? Becuase that's what I was going for...)
I have 2 children who I want to raise in a home full of the spirit. It's my job to make it so.
I have a calling, a job, a life to live regardless of what he's doing - or even if he exists.
I have a realtionship with my Heavenly Father to work on.
I have scriptures to study.
And if he chooses to join me, FABULOUS! But if he doesn't I still want those things in my life.
So I loaded up the kids and did a bunch of jobs I'd typically wait for Husband to do yesterday. I bought wood at Lowe's, tossed it in my little 4 door mom-car with it hanging out the windows, over the carseats and got it done.
I took both kids with me to the hardware store, the grocery store and for haircuts without even mentioning it to Husband.
I didn't ask for his help in hauling the heavy groceries up the stairs.
I didn't ask for his help moving the cars around.
I didn't ask him to start family scriptures.
I didn't care that he skipped out on prayers.
I didn't ask his permission to leave after the kids were in bed.
I simply saw that things needed to be done and stopped expecting him to get off his butt and do them.
Know what? I like killing buffalo.
I've been told no less than10,000 times that I need to focus on ME and MY recovery and MY life and make sure that I'M doing what I need to do to honor MY covenants and commitments.
Never before has it sounded like that. It's always sounded like one of those "you can't help someone else if you don't help yourself" statements about the oxygen things on an airplane. Or worse "get out of his business becuase you're not helpful to him anyway."
But "kill your own buffalo" shows me very clearly and simply that I am responsible for my own salvation and life.
I've been very good at playing the victim because I've never done anything wrong in my whole life! (OK that's not true, obviously...so please sense the sarcasm.) and Husband came out of nowhere and blindsided me with this horribly ugly disgusting thing in OUR life together. And it's all his fault! (Do I sound like a whiny 12 year old girl? Did you hear the sound of the door slamming? Becuase that's what I was going for...)
I have 2 children who I want to raise in a home full of the spirit. It's my job to make it so.
I have a calling, a job, a life to live regardless of what he's doing - or even if he exists.
I have a realtionship with my Heavenly Father to work on.
I have scriptures to study.
And if he chooses to join me, FABULOUS! But if he doesn't I still want those things in my life.
So I loaded up the kids and did a bunch of jobs I'd typically wait for Husband to do yesterday. I bought wood at Lowe's, tossed it in my little 4 door mom-car with it hanging out the windows, over the carseats and got it done.
I took both kids with me to the hardware store, the grocery store and for haircuts without even mentioning it to Husband.
I didn't ask for his help in hauling the heavy groceries up the stairs.
I didn't ask for his help moving the cars around.
I didn't ask him to start family scriptures.
I didn't care that he skipped out on prayers.
I didn't ask his permission to leave after the kids were in bed.
I simply saw that things needed to be done and stopped expecting him to get off his butt and do them.
Know what? I like killing buffalo.
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