Who would've thought?

I'd been reading a book in which one of the characters is married to this manipulative douche of a guy. (Forgive my language.) She doesn't see it and just keeps thinking she needs to try harder. And harder. And be better. And prettier. And smarter. And give more. and and and....

Eventually he hits her and she threatens to leave and he talks her into staying. They have a child together and when he hits her again she leaves.

I read this book and kept thinking am I that girl? Am I sticking around being stupid and how bad will it have to be before I leave? You need to know Husband has never hit me. He is a quiet calm man and although he gets frustrated he never takes it out on me or the kids - he just gets mad and eventually masturbates or looks at porn. Would somebody read the story of my life and be yelling at my pages "leave him!!! you are much better than that! LEAVE HIM!!! It will be OK!" Would I have followers routing for me to make it on my own?

I recommended this book to Husband because I thoroughly enjoyed it and thought he would too. This relationship story is a small part of a much bigger story following an LDS family during WWII.

We happened to be on a long road trip together when Husband was listening to this part of the book and he was visibly emotional listening to this story.
Good. He's realizing what a horrible person he's been. I thought.
He's seeing himself from a 3rd party perspective and he's realizing how poorly he's been treating us.
After a few miles when she had left her abusive Husband and settled into her own life I asked Husband if he wanted to talk about it.

"I just need you to know I will never put up with being hit." he started.

A few minutes into his speech I realized He thought He was the one being abused. He was relating to the same character I was. The battered wife. It never crossed his mind that he might be the manipulative douchey husband. I was floored. Because it never crossed my mind either.

I am definitely the one with the stronger personality of the two of us. I am a master at belittling him and reminding him that he's ruining our life. I almost always know which words will hurt the most and I rarely hold them back. Because in my mind he deserves it. Am I the douchey husband? Is he the one who's scared of ME?

A few weeks later when we had our commitment talk I realized that when we discuss separating and he tells me he doesn't know if he can "do it" he isn't talking about sobriety.
I say "I'm tired of this and I don't know how much longer I can do it." It = stay married to you because your'e making my life unbearable.
He says "I don't know either." It = stay married to you because you're making my life unbearable.
I always thought he meant he didn't know how long he could stop behaving this way so I would stay married to him, but it turns out he doesn't even want to be marrieed to me. He doesn't know how long he can stand it because he's miserable too.

What a slap in the face.
I hate admitting that I'm so self-righteous it never occurred to me, but I am.
I hate admitting that I might be making him miserable too, but I am.
I hate admitting that now I know that because if I know I'm ruining his life and I don't change then I am doing exactly what I hate about him.

But there it is. In black and white. And as we all know, if it's on the internet then it's true. (ha ha ha ha!) And now I've put it onthe internet.

Ouch. It's not easy being the bad guy.

A Race?

I "ran" a race this weekend with Husband and the kids (always a good experience) and when we got back to our car this flyer was on it.

I love this for no less than 29 reasons all of which I won't list here.

Just know that a free 5k supporting the idea of replacing addiction with exercise is something I can't stand NOT to attend. I bet that this isn't the "type" of addiction they have in mind, but I don't mind being outnumbered by other addicts.

Besides, since Husband is a sucker for free stuff, and I'm a sucker for supporting stuff, we plan to be there.

Are you in Utah? Will you come with us? Please?

*Can you read that? More info at the Addict II Athlete website here.

Off the Table

Husband and I "celebrated" our anniversary last month.

Last year on our 5th anniversary I felt like I had exactly nothing to celebrate. We were two people living together who positively couldn't stand each other. I cried all the time because I couldn't believe my life was such a sham. But I had no idea what to do. I had an almost-two-year-old son and another on the way. I had married Husband fully believing that our life together was worth living. But somehow everything had gone horribly wrong and on our 5th anniversary I didn't know if we'd last even one more week, let alone another year.

Before we were married we played the "where will we be in 5 years" game often. Usually our answers were things like a house, kids, done with school, a real live job!, living somewhere new and exciting but on our 5th anniversary we were sitting in our therapists office wondering if we'd stay together or separate.

As our anniversary approached this year (6 years) I started to feel some hope. Maybe this year we'll celebrate for real. We'll have something worth celebrating. And although we're still very much in the thick of it, I finally felt like we had accomplished something by making it this far no matter what the future holds.

But on our 6th anniversary we wandered the local mall fighting and weeping and feeling nothing but hopelessness and anger.

I asked Husband if he wanted in or out because I've been second guessing where we'd be for far too long. He gave me his typical answer.

"I don't know, if we can be happy I want us to be together. If not I don't see the point."

The same thing I think about much too often.

So I told him I needed some kind of commitment.

He told me that we may as well separate then. Because he just didn't know.

After some further discussion we both decided that we could commit to a short period of time during which our separation would not be an option.

So for 6 months, beginning on our anniversary (in July) separation is not an option. We're in. No matter what.

This was hard for me to commit to. Because I'm afraid of what might happen. I don't know if I'm really in "no matter what". I feel like we've been teetering for so long that it wouldn't take much for me to throw in the towel. But for the next 6 months at least we'll be together. Here's hoping that 6 months doubles and our 7th anniversary is something worth celebrating.

What do you think - stupid? Unreasonable? Sad?

Losing It

I have a strong personality and strong opinions about most things and apparently I can be a bit controlling.

Husband is laid back and easy going and usually is willing to go with whatever is happening.

But lately Husband has been standing up for himself more and it's making me realize my own issues.

I am frustrated and angry and have so very little patience and tolerance for Husband. I'm so mad and so angry and I say so many things I almost immediately regret. I totally lose control and I'm still not sure why.

The good news is I know a good therapist. (ha ha ha.  I hate knowing a good therapist.) and while I'd much rather just pretend it's not a problem because Husband should do things my way anyway, (it is the right way after all) and then we won't have to do anything different; I'm fairly confident that at some point I'm going to have to learn how to make it through that feeling of anxiety without hating the person causing it.

Fact or Fiction

When I get surrounded by WoPAs I feel woefully inadequate. I haven't read or studied enough. I haven't experienced enough pain. I don't know what it's like to have my spouse actually sleep with someone else. I don't even think I've ever been lied to about it. Sometimes the truth is a bit delayed, but it always comes out without prompting from me.

Don't get me wrong, I feel betrayed, embarrassed and cheated. My life is not what I had planned and through no fault of my own I sit by myself at temple sealings for family members trying to offer a good reason that Husband isn't there. I feel like our relationship is lies. I feel pressure to do (or not do) things that he has seen. I feel judged and compared and inadequate.

But I've never known anyone as willing to pile the confessions on like Husband. He can't handle the guilt, so he drops it all in my lap telling me what happened and why and how it's never going to happen again.

At least I think that's the case.

I always chase that "he's always told me" statement with a quick "as far as I know" because I don't want to appear naive. I want other WoPAs to know that I know I might be stupid or blind or simply unwilling to look hard.  I know he might be lying. I know there might be more. I know that I don't know anything.

But the truth is I believe him. One time I found something he hadn't told me about and approached him. He backtracked and gave me at least 9 excuses in 30 seconds, like bullets from a gun.
"It wasn't me."
"I was just looking at something for school."
"Somebody else must have clicked on that."
"It popped up out of nowhere and I closed it right away."
"I just had a moment of weakness, but I got control and nothing happened.:
"I don't know how it got there."

He is a super-crappy liar. I like to think it's because he's had so little practice, but for all I know, that's a big lie too right? Maybe he's a super-fantastic liar who is so good at lying he pretends to be crappy. Lulling me into a false sense of security. It's all part of his master plan.

I found some comfort in the fact that a fellow WoPA had a rediculously honest husband too. I felt like I wasn't merrited in calling Husband's problem and addiction if he hadn't lied. And at the same time I felt like he probably was lying and I was just blind to it because I'm stupid. I can't stand to be the only one experiencing it the way I am. It makes me feel lonely and foolish and lost.
So I'm wondering, is it all a lie? Or is he in fact insanely stupidly honest? Is it even possible?

Rodents

I live in a neighborhood with a brutal rodent problem. Mice and voles to be exact.

Until last month I didn't know what voles even were. But now I see their tiny body parts strewn across my sidewalks every time I leave my house.

The infestation is so bad that each time I jog or bike on the trail nearby I measure my distance in dead rodents. This morning's jog was 37 rodents. Also 37 minutes. So....there's that.

Every time I check in on facebook there are updates of whose porch is littered with pieces of the things.

It's filthy. And disgusting. And gives us all the heebie jeebies.

And now you see why I'm writing this on "the porn blog".

It's interesting to watch everybody's reaction to the infestation:
Sister Smith has taken it upon herself to call the city demanding they do something.
Brother Johnson bought a cat and let it have a million babies all of whom are killing machines.
The Williams children throw rocks and use slingshots.
Sister Jones orders poison by the caseload every month.

But the majority of us are simply doing the very little we can to keep the filth out of own homes. We certainly don't lay out cheese and crackers, or leave our doors and windows open inviting them in.
We find the holes and fill them.
We lay traps and poison.
We try to set up barriers.
And then we clean up the carcasses.

But because of the overwhelming number, it simply isn't enough. We still find them on our lawn, sidewalks and porches. We still squirm as we watch them run across the road. There are still 37 mice in a 37 minute run.

So I'm wondering, what will it take? It seems to me that it will take an enormous unified effort. Every neighbor pitching in at once. Every person laying poison and filling holes. We ALL need to be sharing our information and connecting our resources. Because this isn't a battle one household can win alone.

And so it is with porn.

So please, share what you know. Invite people around you to meetings, blogs & forums. Let them know what has worked for you and let them share with you what works for them. This may not be every person's current top priority and that's ok but the more people sharing what works, the better off we'll be.

So.....do you feel any hope?

I had the chance to chat with my mom alone for a few hours yesterday which almost never happens. We were talking about how things are going and where I'm finding help. Then she asked "So......do you feel any hope?"

I was glad to easily answer "yes".

I explained to her that while I don't often feel like Husband is really doing what he needs to, I do think he will someday. I do know that it could be worse. I don't feel like I could leave and find someone I love more or someone who doesn't have this problem. The truth is that Husband is a wonderful match for me. He is an incredible human being, and although there are time I want to physically hurt him, there are more times that I know how lucky I am to have him.

So I suppose that's where I am now.

I've wanted to write about how things are now so I can look back in a year and see how things are. (you wanna do it too? do it!)  Moving forward? Still getting worse? Feeling happier?

The bad signs:
Husband is currently in the acting out every 5-12 days cycle.
He still thinks it's my fault and if I'd just ______ (usually "blank" is "have sex more" but sometimes it's something else) it wouldn't be a problem.
There are days I still think everything bad is his (and the addiction's) fault and I snap at him. I'm not consistently patient and loving and kind. But I'm trying to be.

The good signs:
He's been stuck in this cycle for a while, so I think he'll probably have a long stretch (3-4 months?) of sobriety ahead of him soon.
He goes to PASG every week.
He always tells me the truth. (As far as I know.) I have never caught him because he has always been upfront about it.
I have found an incredible group of women who support and encourage me. (hopeandhealinglds.com)
I am detaching. Feel sorry and sad for him instead of mad at him when he loses.
We're dating again. Which is more fun than I can even explain.


Here's hoping I remember to check back in a year to see how it's going then. Will I still feel hope? I think so.