I wanted someone to tell me the right words to say and feelings to feel after Husband loses (and loses and loses). I wanted an outline.
7 minutes weeping
13 minutes kneeling
4 minutes breaking things
1 minute lecturing
16 minutes planning
21 minutes writing
But when I wrote that post. Wishing and hoping for that answer, you know whaat I heard?
You will know.
I went to church and heard the same thing over and over again.
You will know. Pray for inspiration and it will come.
Every scripture read, every talk, ever classroom discussion boiled down to just that.
But what I really wanted was a formula. A measurable checklist.
So I listened to some talks and discussions.
And wouldn't you know it? Every single one said the same thing.
You will know. Pray for answers and you will get them.
Fine. I thought, I'll do it.
So before I went to bed I prayed for help through difficult to situations. I prayed I would know how to respond.
And I'll keep praying for that and training myself to hear inspiration and stop fighting it.
I'll keep you posted on that one.
Showing posts with label Commitment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Commitment. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Friday, August 3, 2012
Off the Table
Husband and I "celebrated" our anniversary last month.
Last year on our 5th anniversary I felt like I had exactly nothing to celebrate. We were two people living together who positively couldn't stand each other. I cried all the time because I couldn't believe my life was such a sham. But I had no idea what to do. I had an almost-two-year-old son and another on the way. I had married Husband fully believing that our life together was worth living. But somehow everything had gone horribly wrong and on our 5th anniversary I didn't know if we'd last even one more week, let alone another year.
Before we were married we played the "where will we be in 5 years" game often. Usually our answers were things like a house, kids, done with school, a real live job!, living somewhere new and exciting but on our 5th anniversary we were sitting in our therapists office wondering if we'd stay together or separate.
As our anniversary approached this year (6 years) I started to feel some hope. Maybe this year we'll celebrate for real. We'll have something worth celebrating. And although we're still very much in the thick of it, I finally felt like we had accomplished something by making it this far no matter what the future holds.
But on our 6th anniversary we wandered the local mall fighting and weeping and feeling nothing but hopelessness and anger.
I asked Husband if he wanted in or out because I've been second guessing where we'd be for far too long. He gave me his typical answer.
"I don't know, if we can be happy I want us to be together. If not I don't see the point."
The same thing I think about much too often.
So I told him I needed some kind of commitment.
He told me that we may as well separate then. Because he just didn't know.
After some further discussion we both decided that we could commit to a short period of time during which our separation would not be an option.
So for 6 months, beginning on our anniversary (in July) separation is not an option. We're in. No matter what.
This was hard for me to commit to. Because I'm afraid of what might happen. I don't know if I'm really in "no matter what". I feel like we've been teetering for so long that it wouldn't take much for me to throw in the towel. But for the next 6 months at least we'll be together. Here's hoping that 6 months doubles and our 7th anniversary is something worth celebrating.
What do you think - stupid? Unreasonable? Sad?
Last year on our 5th anniversary I felt like I had exactly nothing to celebrate. We were two people living together who positively couldn't stand each other. I cried all the time because I couldn't believe my life was such a sham. But I had no idea what to do. I had an almost-two-year-old son and another on the way. I had married Husband fully believing that our life together was worth living. But somehow everything had gone horribly wrong and on our 5th anniversary I didn't know if we'd last even one more week, let alone another year.
Before we were married we played the "where will we be in 5 years" game often. Usually our answers were things like a house, kids, done with school, a real live job!, living somewhere new and exciting but on our 5th anniversary we were sitting in our therapists office wondering if we'd stay together or separate.
As our anniversary approached this year (6 years) I started to feel some hope. Maybe this year we'll celebrate for real. We'll have something worth celebrating. And although we're still very much in the thick of it, I finally felt like we had accomplished something by making it this far no matter what the future holds.
But on our 6th anniversary we wandered the local mall fighting and weeping and feeling nothing but hopelessness and anger.
I asked Husband if he wanted in or out because I've been second guessing where we'd be for far too long. He gave me his typical answer.
"I don't know, if we can be happy I want us to be together. If not I don't see the point."
The same thing I think about much too often.
So I told him I needed some kind of commitment.
He told me that we may as well separate then. Because he just didn't know.
After some further discussion we both decided that we could commit to a short period of time during which our separation would not be an option.
So for 6 months, beginning on our anniversary (in July) separation is not an option. We're in. No matter what.
This was hard for me to commit to. Because I'm afraid of what might happen. I don't know if I'm really in "no matter what". I feel like we've been teetering for so long that it wouldn't take much for me to throw in the towel. But for the next 6 months at least we'll be together. Here's hoping that 6 months doubles and our 7th anniversary is something worth celebrating.
What do you think - stupid? Unreasonable? Sad?
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