The Doorstep

Every time I hear a story of when it all fell apart and there came a point when the pain was just too great. It seems that more often than not, you hear the line "and I showed up on _______'s doorstep"I keep thinking about this doorstep scene. Do we gravitate toward it because it seems like something from a movie? Or is that moment truly more significant than all the others surrounding it?

I did the same thing, 3 years ago.  The day I showed up on my mom's doorstep with a baby, a 2 year old, an overnight bag and 2 eyes full of tears. 

That moment was big for me. Big for my relationship with my mom. Big for my relationship with my husband (who I had left behind) and big for my recovery.

I had finally had enough of having the same fight and I was finished, absolutely finished having the same damn discussion every stupid day. I couldn't handle it anymore. And although I knew I wasn't leaving him, I didn't know what I was doing. I only knew I couldn't be there anymore.

So I packed a bag with a million diapers and changes of clothes for my kids and left.

I got in the car and realized I had nowhere to go. Nobody knew anything that was going on and I didn't really want to tell anybody. Of course I wound up at my mom's house, because getting anywhere else would have taken more conscious effort and brain power I simply lacked.

So there I stood, in my doorstep moment. Ringing my mother's doorbell for the first (and only) time ever in my life. Not sure if I wanted her to be home or not. She opened the door and I fell apart on the porch. She got my bags and helped me carry in my little ones and let me cry on her shoulder for at least 20 minutes before I offered any kind of explanation.She invited my in all of my mess into her home and held me in my pain.

I think that's what the big deal about the doorstep is. You stand there, waiting. Hoping that the person on the other side of that door will open the door and accept you in all of your mess. But until they do, you just wait. You just stand there waiting for their open arms to pull you in and take care of you.

pendulating progress

Therapist used a word today that I just really love even though I'm certain I don't understand it yet in the clinical way he means it. But we were about to talk through some really tough stuff and he wanted to make sure before we dove in that I was ready and that I had a safe place to retreat. 

So, we talked through the ways we create a safe place to return after doing something hard/scary. 

"You want to be able to picture a serene and calming place in your mind. Visualize it very clearly and easily. Make sure it's comfortable and inviting." I nodded almost immediately. There are a few happy places in my mind I could recall quickly and easily. Because the truth is this is a beautiful world filled with happy places.

 

"An important skill is to breath and calm your body. Notice your heart rate. Be able to sooth and calm it afterward." I nodded again, (thank you Sariah for your breathing tracks on the membership area of addorecovery.com, Calm your breath to calm your heart She says. Breath in with your heart beat, then notice the beats of your heart at the top of that breath. Keeping the awareness of your heart, release your breath counting the beats. Calm your breath to calm your heart.) 

 

"It's so helpful to have a few very close friends to whom you can retreat. Someone whose shoulder you can cry on, who can be with you in your experience and who you can count on." The fastest nod yet. I have many of these people, and a few in particular whose shoulders I cry on regularly. 

 

"And a physical place you can go that is safe for you. It might be a park, a holy place, a room in your home. Somewhere that you can connect, calm, sooth, and feel safe." Again! I have so many! I have my zen yoga room in my home, my chair in my bedroom, my backyard, the neighborhood park, a temple (or 5) within a 30 minute drive. 

After running through that checklist we dug in and did all (okay, just some) of the hard things. I didn't notice it until I had retreated to my safe people, done some breathing, writing, thinking and processing that I realized what a beautiful thing it is to have my life set up to support me. I have places to go, people to turn to, and many calming habits and tools I didn't have a year ago. 

A year ago he would have said these same things getting ready to go in and process the hard trauma, and he would have started "picture a place in your mind" and I would have (and probably did) burst into tears and stopped breathing because I couldn't even imagine feeling safe or comfortable and there was no place on earth I wanted to be. Today, we blew past that. And the next 3 ways to create a safe home base. 

And so we rode the pendulum. Into the trauma, noticing it, observing it, feeling it, noticing what it means, and then back out to my safe place. Into the trauma and back to breathing. Into the trauma and back at a distance to notice the effects.

So today I feel relieved and happy about the progress made. Now to master the art of swinging into the trauma and back out. And of course to make that more consistent.

Soul Loves

My friend Jane shared a Glennon video with me, all about the things your soul loves.
(Go click the link, you won't be sorry. It's beautiful.)

I thought "My goodness, Glennon has a beautiful soul doesn't she?" which, of course, she does. 

Then I thought of my friend Jane, and thought "my goodness, Jane has a beautiful soul, doesn't she?" which, of course, she does. 

Then Hil, Michelle, Scabs, Harriet, the list of beautiful souls I've been blessed to know goes on and on and on. I thought of my WoPAs, all the WoPAs, my family, my friends, and so many loved ones. I walk around all day long surrounded by beautiful souls. 

Then I thought I'd try to find my soul, but that sounded hard, so I instead I decided to start where Glennon started. By finding things my soul loves. 

• good books
• stepping on fallen leaves
• campfires in the dark
• crisp morning air
• laughing - and making people laugh
• connective conversations
• writing
• breathing slowly
• making things grow
• learning
• healthy dark dirt
• a long swim in a cold COLD lake
• other souls

So I shared those things with a few close friends, and realized that my soul is beautiful. It loves beautiful things. But it also loves less-beautiful things. 

• pie. lots and lots of pie
• being right
• controlling the behavior of the people around me
• admiration
• breaking things (ice throwing contest anyone?)
• doing things I deem IMPORTANT
• validation
• feeling powerful

Jane swears that the ego is what loves all that validation and being right, the anger is probably responsible for breaking things, and well, I still don't see anything wrong with loving pie. 

I suppose the question for me is the same as it has always been. 

When I strip away everything else, does my soul love the "right" things? Am I enough?

On the day I wrote this post (more than a month ago) I answered this question with a resounding yes! But as with all things, it ebbs and flows. Some days I see my own soul's beauty, and some days I don't. Today I don't know if I can put a big fat "of course I am!!!" at the end of all this. But I do see that my soul loves beautiful beautiful things.

Togetherness

I'm still coming down off the high of The Togetherness Project's latest conference.

I wonder if I'll ever get used to that feeling. I wonder if it's possible to max out the number of times you connect with someone, or hear a story for the first time and just sit in awe of the people in front of you. I wonder if I'll ever stop coming away from these things stunned by the goodness that fills the room.

I hope not. Because being part of Togetherness has given me the opportunity to have the sacred experience of hearing people's stories. Being a witness to their greatness and hearing who they are in one of the most incredible things I've ever been able to do. It has given me extraordinary experiences and put me in the presence of greatness over and over again and that's something I cannot imagine being "used to". 

2 years

2 years ago we moved from one place to another, we weren't really sure if we'd make it together and we were fairly certain we didn't like each other much. We weren't really sure if we'd always live together after that or not.

These last 2 years have been times of pain and hurt and growth and seeing things as they are. 

A short time ago Husband and I purchased a home together. A new home. Where we will (happily) live with our family. 

We purchased it with faith that this new emotional space we've found filled with acceptance and love will last. 

We purchased it knowing that we are excited about our life together. 

We purchased with our eyes wide open to trials and pain and hurt - fully aware that all of that can (and probably will) come screaming back to the forefront of our lives, and that we are capable of handling it more maturely than we ever have before. 

We purchased FULL of hope and love. And I am praying we can in turn FILL this home with faith and love. 

Because though things feel about a million times better than they did 2 years ago, we all know this goes just one day at a time, so all we can do is have faith and love.

Compassion Came Out

For too many years I felt alone in my home. I felt like it was my job to run the house, run a business (at home with baby) and run our lives. 

 

I tried to work recovery. I tried to serve in my church. I tried to stay healthy. I tried to do it all and I felt zero support from Husband in my efforts. He worked a lot and was in school and during the rare moments that he was at home, he wasn't really present. 

 

It's easy to look back now and say I was simply overwhelmed. I had way too much on my plate and way too little support; but at the time I simply felt unqualified for life. I felt like everybody I saw around me could do it all and there was something wrong with me because I was breaking at the seams.

I still hold some resentment toward Husband because I felt like he had abandoned me. And instead of seeing that I was drowning and trying to help, he was adding more for me to do.
"We really need you to keep working, can't you do anything to get more clients?"
"I looked at porn again today, if we could just have sex more....." and
day after day with no conversations at all.

We're heading into a busy work week for him and he'll be gone an awful lot. He works 13-14 hour days and he has picked up some extra shifts which means that yesterday was his only day off in a 9 day stretch. He will be exhausted at the end of every day and come home to sleep. He won't be present. He won't help around the house. I won't get an extra set of hands for bedtime, or getting my littles where they need to be. I'll be on my own again - which brings up all those unsettled feelings of resentment. 

I had expressed this concern to him in a less-than-kind discussion. I whined and pissed and moaned and told him I hate that he does this. I reminded him of his uselessness and exhaustion when he works too much. I told him I was too tired to take it all on again. I laid it all out and he sat there - removed from the conversation thinking that I'm crazy.

Yesterday (the only day off) he did a lot of stuff. He tried to catch up some household chores, he took the kids out for a fun afternoon at a local hands-on children's museum and by the end of the day he was exhausted. I ran from one appointment to the next all day, and when I sat down to dinner at 6:15 knowing that I had somewhere to be at 6:30, I took a second to look across the table. I saw the familiar bloodshot eyes and sagging lids. I saw the slumped posture and the heavy hands. I saw the exhaustion all over his face and (though I'm not proud of it) I was so glad. I wanted him to understand how I felt during those years. I wanted him to see what he put me through. And in that moment I was prepared to show him exactly why our discussion about him doing this to me again this week was heated. Why I still felt strongly about it.

This is how I felt every day for 3 years! All the while you asked me to make more money, take on more work, be more available to you and be a better person! This is how I still feel every day at 6:15 knowing that you'll technically be off work in 15 minutes but won't come home for another hour or 2. This is the time of day when the only reason I don't run out the front door screaming is that it would take too much effort. This is the part where you start counting down the minutes until an extra set of hands comes home - but the car never pulls up and there is no extra set of hands. THIS IS WHY I HATE YOU. 

I thought all of those things, and I was well prepared to say them. So I opened my mouth, and by the grace of God none of that came out. Compassion came out instead. 

"I can tell you have been working hard all day and you are totally exhausted. I can see that you could really use some help right now, and that you're overwhelmed. I'm so sorry for that and I know that you know I'm about to leave and you're facing bedtime alone and that probably feels like yet another mountain to climb. I'm so sorry that I won't be here to help tonight."

I still felt all of the resentment and the sick pleasure that maybe he was finally understanding a little tiny piece of what I went through. I wasn't feeling compassion as I spoke - but compassion is what came out of my mouth. 

After my other appointments, when I came home to do the remaining dishes and laundry, THEN I felt compassion and gratitude. I was thankful that he took the time to play with my Littles. I was relieved that he made the effort to make my week easier. And most importantly, I truly felt compassion for that horribly exhausting evening. Because the feeling is familiar to me, and (finally) I was sorry he experienced it too. 

It's such a strange thing to open your mouth prepared to say one thing, and have something different come out. But I am glad it did. I am glad that what I spoke became true a few hours later. And though I haven't asked him, I feel comfortable saying that those words were at least a little healing for him.

In Buffalo House we often miss the boat, but there are still many many signs of improvement, growth and learning.

Missing the Boat

Sometimes we sit in therapy together and I think "this is it! THIS is the big thing that will change it all! I can tell, that _______ is just around the corner!"

A few weeks ago we had been shown some very clear issues in therapy. Highlighted in big bold letters above our heads.
For Husband: "YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO FEEL LOVE IN WAYS THAT ARE NOT SEXUAL."
and for me "YOU HAVE TO STOP SEEING HIM IN THE WORST LIGHT - LOOK IN HIS EYES AND SEE WHO HE REALLY IS."

So I went about my day knowing that everything would be different when I came home.

But when I took off my shoes and headed to the bedroom to put them away, there was the lingerie, laying out on the bed waiting for me to "love him".

I saw it and immediately contacted Friend, "He DOESN'T get it! And he never will! He's a fool and a psycho and a sex addict!"

There we were, 6 hours later, him trying to have sex to show love and me seeing him in the worst possible light.

This is what they mean when they say "it takes time. there will be setbacks. it won't all set in immediately. getting help doesn't mean curing it immediately."

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

Stop reading my blog and so openly mocking me. OK?

Just because I finally dared to post about how detaching ruins everything doesn't mean I'm asking for Husband to pick on me and make me want to run away and detach. OK?

Love,
Trying hard not to, but feeling the need to detach anyway.

Story Reverence

Last week I went to Togetherness Project in Phoenix and I was again awed by the courage and beauty of women who come to these things and share their stories for the first time.

My first day back at work I explained to my Boss where I was and what I was doing. He was in awe. And as I spoke about the women who are new to my life, he gave words to what I have been feeling ever since our first conference back in October.

"What an honor for someone to allow your ears to be the ones to hear their story. It must be such a sacred experience."

And he's right. 100%. It's sacred. There's no good reason that my ears were ever chosen for anybody, but to have been the woman hearing these stories for the first time is just an incredible experience.

Step 4

I have loved a lot of people in my life, had a lot of best friends and learned to trust many. I feel like I have typically been blessed in my life to have the relationships which are most healing to me exactly when I need them. 
When I needed a mom going through new motherhood just like I was, I got one. 
When I needed a friend to lean back, have a little fun and forget my troubles, I got one. 

When I needed a friend who would testify of Christ and teach me what sacrifice, service and love really were, I got one. 

These days I need a sponsor-friend. I need someone who can help me work through the crap in an unbiased and loving way. I need someone who will call me on my stupidity, remind me that Husband's words might not always sound as stupid as they do right now and that I can forgive him and move forward. And I have been blessed with many of even these oddly specific relationships. 

I put one of My People in the car and drove her to Arizona with me last week to attend The Togetherness Project. We talked and laughed and cried together for days. We didn't sleep enough, but couldn't bring ourselves to value sleep above what we were doing. By the time the weekend was over and it was time to come home, I was dreading the drive home. We were exhausted, and Arizona is freakin' hot and my CD player had a stupid non-music CD stuck in it and all I really wanted to do was sleep and unpack and get ready for my crazy week ahead, but instead I'd be driving. But, Friend was the silver lining. If you're gonna be trapped in a hot car taking backroads through 2 states she's the one you want with you. 

What I didn't expect was to be so healed. Friend and I don't have many secrets, there really aren't topics of conversation we avoid. There's nothing that I'd be too scared to tell her and we probably cross a lot of lines when we get really detailed - but it's helpful for me, so I don't even try to stop that. 

Even with our history of extreme honesty and no off-limits topics I was surprised when the conversation turned toward "mistakes I've made". We talked about the poor choices we'd made and why, we talked about how we want to talk with our kids about these kinds of mistakes when they make them, we talked abut how it made us feel and how the people who loved us dealt (or didn't deal) with them. As we got closer to our destination I joked "I think we just did step 5."

I've struggled to appreciate fully the 12-step program because Husband and I weren't good at working it when we attended weekly (for 2-3 YEARS). I worked steps 1, 2, & 3 over and over again because I could easily see how they were important, but I couldn't bring myself to do step 4 because I knew step 5 was coming and I was still so rooted in shame I couldn't look at myself that way. I just wasn't ready yet. But a few months ago I started feeling the pull to go back to the 12 steps. I wonder if it would be different now? I thought. Now that I'm more whole, could I face those awful truths about myself? Am I ready? I think I am, but I haven't made time in my schedule to attend meetings. So my ARP manual sits gathering dust on my bookshelf and I roll around the concepts in my brain. 

Until they come spilling out at the end of a long, involved, emotional weekend. And then at the end of the drive, I feel a tiny piece of the healing which I fully believe can come from doing step 4.

Now I feel totally confident I can do a formal step 5. I'm not sure when I'll do it, but I know I can. And that is a kind of healing I wasn't really expecting from my weekend away.

Next Post: dead step 4 buffalo. (I hope.)

Detatching Danger

OK my friends. As you know I'm very hesitant to post this, because I'm not so sure about these ideas....but here has been my experience. This is my "detaching" post. Feel free to disagree, even to (respectfully) discuss in the comments. I trust you to be kind.

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In draft from October 2013 - just at the beginning of trying to get him "in my middle".
I'm not one to tell anybody what to do (which might be the best thing I've ever [not] done) because nobody can make any big decisions for anybody else.

But I'm a talker and I have to "talk" through this. So please don't take this as advice for you because this post is primarily for me to remember. I know I know...get a journal.

Detaching was hard. Damn hard. I was emotionally invested in this relationship and I loved Husband and I wanted desperately to fix everything.

So I started doing what I could. I asked him to do things which I knew would help. I did things that would obviously change his behaviors (and then his heart). I looked into what we could do together when we were done with the first things. I made a list. I did the stuff on the list. I insisted that he do the stuff on the list.

But then I failed.
Again and again I failed. And He failed. So of course we failed together.

We fought and I cried.
He acted out and my heart broke.
I was exhausted from trying so hard.

But when people told me to just detach it hurt.

"You can be happy without him" they said.
"Live your life no matter what he does or says" they told me.
"Be happy regardless of his choices" they encouraged me.
"You are worthy of living life no matter what he does".

I heard it enough times that I finally decided it was true. I don't need him to be happy. I can heal with or without him. I can't count on him to fix things so if I want it fixed I'll do it myself.

So I headed out to the wilderness to Kill My Own Damn Buffalo.

But I still live with him. I'm still married to him. We still have children together.
I think I'm learning that I can only go so far without him. I think I misunderstood all that advice.

It wasn't about living my life alone or doing everything without help. It wasn't about cutting off the human connection or even the marital relationship. It wasn't about being my own person and leaving him to work it out on his own.

It was about learning to be happy. To cope. To adjust to my circumstance.

It was about stepping off the crazy train before it leaves the station.
It was about being me.

But now I'm still confused because part of "me" is him. We are married and we agreed to be one.

When I pulled away so "I could work on me while he worked on him" we created scary habits. I filled my life with other people, hobbies and interests. I was perfectly capable of being happy and let him come home and sleep in "our" house because he paid "our" bills. But we had very little relationship. Our conversations (even the ones about porn) were surface level. Even when we were so hurt we'd cry or shout or isolate, there was a wall between us. Though it took conscious effort to put that wall up, it turned out to be thicker and higher and more impenetrable than I ever imagined it would be.

After working so hard to detach, it's hell trying to reattach appropriately. Allowing him in has become such a terrifying thing for me that I cry just writing the words. To let him see the hurt, the fear and the hope seems impossible. Trusting him to be kind with my emotions is paralyzing. The thought that he would be the person I'd call if something exciting or fun happened in my life is strange.

So while I suppose it's possible that detaching was an important part of my journey (was it really? could I have done this without it?) it isn't the destination. I am left wondering if the journey back from Detached is really worth any benefit it might have had.

Togetherness Spring 2014

Remember last time The Togetherness Project had a conference? How it was all amazing and changed people lives and stuff?


Well, we're taking that show on the road, and going to Phoenix in April! (And just in case you wondered I hate that it's Phoenix, because I cannot spell that word correctly on my first try. Ever.)






Early registration (by February 2nd) is only $85. So if you're planning to attend, register now and work out the details later.

I hope I see you there! (If you're planning to be there, e-mail me! Let's get to know each other beforehand.) And please share this info with the people you love. Groups, therapists, friends, family, strangers...

In My Middle

I've had a post "in draft" for about 6 months about my theories on detaching and the danger in it.

I knew it would be unpopular, and to be honest I wasn't even sure if what I was claiming was true. So it's been sitting in draft.

I'm still not sure that my theories are universal. And I AM sure that I've worded it in a way that is offensive and/or triggery, so I'm not publishing that drafted post.

BUT you guys. This is working for me.

6 months ago as a therapy exercise I diagrammed my "circles of intimacy". This exercise just has a few concentric circles, like this:

 

The assignment was (is) to put people/things/activities where they belonged with the center circle being the most intimate. 

First, I did the assignment as my life was that day. The things which took most of my time, worry, love, attention in the center, each following ring representing a lower level of intimacy. It was a very very full center. It included many things I care a lot about. It included many people I felt close to. But it was too full, not enough room for the things I wanted to be in my center. 

Then I did the assignment as I wanted it to be. And tried to decide how I'd make that happen. My center included only Husband and God. It felt idealistic and a bit foolish, but it was how I wanted to feel.

Fast-forward through months of therapy, many breakdowns, panic attacks, fights with people I love and many many many relapses. Though I was still actively working on "things" with Husband, I mostly forgot that assignment.

This week, I watched a video by Brene Brown where she talks about the people who have earned the right to hear her story. People she trusts and people with whom she has real (though she didn't use this word) intimacy. She invited us to decide who those people are for us, and the only person who came to mind immediately was Husband. As I pictured myself writing his name on that assignment paper, I saw my "circles of intimacy" assignment come back and  I realized that it has happened. He has moved from WAAAY outside my inner circle, fighting for time and attention to the middle.

I don't trust him completely with everything. He still says things that make me cringe and back off. I still hurt his feelings and he hurts mine. 

But he is in my middle. 

So I sobbed with gratitude that this is working. I'm done detaching and trying to keep him at a distance. Instead I'm being vulnerable, real, and putting myself in a scary position. A position to be hurt (again). I no longer kick him out of my house, heart and life. Instead I open up to him.

And it's working.

A New Perspective

As always, I'm learning new things about addict relationships.

As always, I'm hoping that these things I'm learning now are the absolute truths that will change our relationship forever. I have high hopes this time, though I'm also certain that I will never ever have it all figured out. 

After my extremely validating WoPA night followed by my anxiety-producing family night there was a bit of a disconnect between Husband and me. Today in therapy we talked about that. And do you know what? I don't have a clue what WoPA night is like for Husband. I know that I typically leave the house as soon as possible because I'm excited to get out and start the party with my people. Then I know that I sneak into bed next to him around 2 or 3am and I know what happens the next day. But I don't have a clue what it's like for him while I go out. I rarely bother to ask because it's eeeeearly in the morning and we both ought to be sleeping. 

I imagine it's hard for him. I know he assumes it's a lot of husband bashing (who wouldn't assume that given the nature of our connection?) and I can't blame him. It isn't, but that doesn't really matter because he probably worries. But I don't know,

Did the kids go to bed nicely? 

Did he wonder what to tell them when they asked where I was? 

In the quiet of the empty house did he wonder what I was saying about him? 

Did he worry that I was getting a lot of "freeze him out" strategies to try? 

Did he feel abandoned? Hurt? Alone?

Did he feel bad for putting me in this circle?
Did he wonder if we'd make it through this together?
Did he think about acting out to deal with that stress?

Did he feel stupid knowing that I was sharing intimate details of our life and his most foolish choices?

I don't know the answers to most of those questions, because they'd never occurred to me before. But I intend to find out what it's like for him.

This is what therapy is doing for me. It's helping me see him, notice him, and care for him - even when I think I have a right not to.

Not the Same Thing

We're not even 3 weeks into the new year and I've already been able to hang out with my WoPA friends more times this year than I did during the first whole year of knowing them.

I'm getting a little spoiled, and I'm growing more and more thankful to know the people I know. 

So on Saturday night I (again) sat in the living room in a circle of the most beautiful courageous and strong women I know. Some I had met before, many I hadn't. We introduced ourselves and we each told a bit of our story. Every time I'm in a group that does this I am amazed by the strength and courage of the women in the circle. Without fail I am inspired by their choices.

24 hours later I joined with a few family members and close friends as we started a Brene Brown e-course. We all mostly know each other, but my family typically keeps relationships superficial, so a course of this kind is going to be a stretch. As a couple of family friends introduced themselves to each other and to "the group" (just 6 of us) I felt the love for them. But I wondered, what piece of their story is missing? I kept waiting for someone to say "my name is Jane and I'm married to a porn addict, I first found out......." and tell the "other" parts of their lives. 

2 of the people doing this course with me know about the addiction, but the others do not and I don't think they should right now. But as I sat in that circle waiting for something REAL to happen, I had to bite my tongue to keep from starting it myself. "Hi, my name is Buffalo and I'm married to a porn addict. And I KILL BUFFALOS because I hate porn!"

I didn't do it, and I don't think I will. We'll have plenty of opportunity to discuss the underlying real things: joy, judgement, shame, love, anxiety, heartbreak, disappointment and hope. I'll quote my WoPA friends, and share our collective theories. And in the back of my mind I'll be thinking of my porn experiences, my dearest WoPA friends, and all the things I learn will relate primarily to this. 

 

I think keeping this group a bit more surface level is OK. Because I have my WoPA circle. 

Do you have a WoPA circle? If not, join mine. It just might make all the difference for you to sit in the safest circles I've ever known. 

Common Goals and Magic Moments

Over the past 6 weeks Huband and I have experienced a few magic moments.

They've come out of the blue, the same crappy feeling the day before and the day after.
The same fights.
The same concerns.
The same worries and fears and hurts.

Then suddenly, we have a magic moment.
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The first was on a Sunday. We were wrestling (who were being just as rotten as they know how) during church and I returned from the hallways with the whiny-tired-hangry 2-year-old plopping on the pew between us. My 4-year-old brrrrmmmm'd his car right up the little ones' toes and the howling started fresh. As I tried to calm the screamer, Husband caught my eye, smiled and distracted the brrrrrm-er.

There we were, living our regular mess of a life. Nothing was easy or fixed or safe, but it felt that way. We smiled at each other and held hands through the rest of church and that easy feeling of togetherness continued through the day.

This was the first time I felt like myself in longer than I care to admit. Everything was just fun and easy and stress-free. It. Was. Magic.
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The 2nd happened in a similar circumstance. As one child started barfing in the night I buckled down getting emotionally ready for a sleepless night of comforting and cleaning on my own.

But then Husband got himself out of bed to help. He started laundry while I soothed The Barfer, and when the 2nd one lost it, Husband helped with that too. We were up most of the night, running barf bowls back and forth trying to keep the laundry progressing. We comforted and cringed together. Again he caught my eye and we felt the magic.
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So I asked my Shrink why.

I didn't wake up that morning and decide to be a better wife or to make special effort or to "increase intimate interactions". I didn't even decide to be especially kind or forgiving to him that day. It just happened.

Honestly I think it was a gift from God. I've spend much of the past 6 weeks wondering whether there is anything worth fighting for between us. Or if I'm foolishly holding on for something that will ultimately leave both of us disappointed.

After a conversation with Shrink that offered me almost zero answers, I think I finally get what he was saying. Those moments were about common goals. Something we seriously lack otherwise.

He suggests that setting goals together matters. And is in fact essential to success as a couple.

This idea has been rolling around in my brain for a few weeks, but I've been hesitant to even discuss it with Husband because it requires way too much vulnerability for me.

I don't trust him to be careful or considerate of my ideas of what we'd like.
I don't trust him to come up with good ideas of his own. (Because "more sex" is not a worthy goal in my mind.)
I don't trust him to work toward our common goals with me.
I don't trust him to stop letting me down.

But that's going to have to change. I'm going to have a(nother) hard conversation and see where we stand. Perhaps we are working for more of the same things than I think.

Like:

• raising happy healthy children
• being financially stable
• enjoying each other and having a strong relationship
• living in a world where we spend more money on groceries than therapy

So I'm curious, what are your common goals? With your husband? Your kid? Your family? Do you have them? Are the written or just understood? Have you done this?

Feeling It

I wrote a guest post for the good people at Lehi Lifestar.

Come join me over there, because the truth is, we're all feeling it, aren't we?

I Used to be Known for Games

Husband and I liked to play a lot of board games. Card games. Dice games. Strategy or speed. It didn't really matter, we loved them all.

We'd move into a new neighborhood, find the people who wanted to play like us and we'd make fast friends. Then those friends would say "oooh you should meet the Smiths! They love to play games too!" and we'd connect with the Smith's and everyone would have a good day.

We don't play games as much these days, and though we both miss it, I'm sure it will be some time before we get into that again.

These days when someone says "there's someone I want you to meet" or an old friend I haven't talked to for a while wants to know when we can get together "to talk" I know what's coming.

My mom knows someone who is married to a porn addict and they think they're the only ones.
My friend's son is headed down that path and she wants my perspective.
My dad's students can't seem to get married because the men are all addicted and the women want to marry in the temple.
My old college roommate is suddenly wants to hang out. 

People used to introduce me to other people for fun things, but I swear I haven't made a new friend who wasn't a porn friend in at least 2 years.

Fortunately for me, porn friends are my favorite ones. Yes you.

But every now and then I'm sad that the only reason a person would want to hang out with me is because I get it. What about fun me? Will she ever be back?

Insert Proper Response Here

Last night I threw a major fit about something that looked stupid but was very real to me.

"I found a piece of furniture that I want and it's free" I told him.
"I think this is a really bad time to get more stuff." he responded "aren't we supposed to be getting RID of stuff?"
Rewind. We're moving. Our landlord didn't give us much notice because he's sortof a jerk and we have until the end of the month (that's right, thanksgiving weekend) to find a place, pack up and move.
"It's FREE." Sometimes I don't listen to what he's saying because I already think I know what his objection will be. (money. or sex - though sex doesn't apply here.)
"But we have to put it in the moving truck which will already be full of all our crap. And that was BEFORE you bought a piano - now there's no way it will fit. I don't want to move MORE stuff."


I entered my familiar tirade about how I'm on my own and I can't count on him and blah blah blah.

The insults and personal attacks shot out of my mouth like bullets.

"It's not a big deal, I will pick it up, I will stick it in the garage until moving day, I will ask our home teachers to personally put it on the truck when we move so you don't have to do an ounce of work" I started....then picked up steam  "because that's exactly how you want to live your life! NOT doing ANYthing. EVER! Which leaves me to be responsible for everything" I accused.
"If I want something done why do I always have to be the one to make it happen?"
"Why can't you just be happy for the work I do!"
"You're selfish and lazy!!!"
"Why can't you accept it when good things come into our life?" I threw in for good measure.

When I was done, Husband said "I don't really want to do this pattern, can we just talk about it instead?"

And I told him no. I was totally unwilling to discuss it as long as he was being a jackass.

I am entitled to my feelings. I'm allowed to be triggered. I have earned well the feeling of being abandoned and alone and solely responsible for making good happen in our lives.
 I have learned that when I'm mad and have plenty of ammunition I don't HAVE to pretend to be calm and sane and have a reasonable conversation. I don't have to bite my tongue so hard it bleeds.
I can take time and space to calm down on my own, in another place where I can do whatever I have to do. I'm allowed to feel how I feel without deciding if it's reasonable or not.

But I realize today exactly what They all meant when They said "just work on you because you can't control him". I literally smacked myself in the forehead out of anger when I attended 12 step meetings and women further along in this process told me "you didn't cause it, it isn't your fault and all you can do is come to these meetings to work on yourself."

Because if it isn't my fault why am I the one sitting in a meeting every week? Why do I have to work on me when he's the one ruining our lives? Why isn't HE doing anything?

This is why: this experience has given me a stockpile of heavy ammunition - negative and out of control feelings, thoughts and beliefs - about both of us. The little things are big because they represent the big things.
That's what I have to work on now. I've never had reason to learn to be kind to someone I'm so mad at because I've never been so mad before. I've never been betrayed like this and I've never had so much ammo available to me. 

Today, working on me means gaining control of my humanity and learning to hold back rather than emptying my clip just because I have it.

But that takes me working on me.

Do Whatever You Want

I recently taught an organizing workshop to the Relief Society in my ward. (Relief Society=women ward=local congregation) It was intimidating to do because I'm not technically an expert. I'm just sortof a pain in the ass to live with.

But there I was. Teaching an organizing workshop.

At the beginning of the class I told them that I was going to give them a whole bunch of specific rules and ideas for things. I was going to tell them about processes that work for me. And I made them solemnly swear that they wouldn't take it as truth if it stressed them out. That ultimately they would do whatever they hell they wanted.

So I wrote down rule #1 at the top of the chalkboard.

Do whatever you want.

And it was the theme of the night.

I feel like I learned Rule #1 here. In WoPA land.

We all ask for advice because we don't have a clue what to do. We want advice from everybody around us. What worked? What didn't? Why? What should I do in a similar situation?
In organization it was what do you do with all the nerf darts? And where do you store the 9 million "crafts" made out of construction paper?

I have answers for all that - but they only work for me because of my current emotional state and circumstances.

So when I said "horizontal surfaces are not storage facilities, they are for decorations only." and "it can't be in your home if it isn't functional or beautiful." I pointed to "but do whatever you want!" (because we don't say "hell" at church....even if we mean it.)

And when I spout my infinite wisdom here (and live, in person) I always want to say "stop having sex! have more sex! leave him! stay and wait! Get therapy! screw therapy! but do whatever the hell you want!" Because what do I know about you and where you are and what you should do? Who am I to tell you how to live? answer: nobody.

I definitely need a good sounding board, and I've had excellent advice from many many sources (but mostly WoPAs) and I'll be forever grateful for the tips, advice and support offered.

But it only works when I'm doing what I want.