Togetherness

I'm still coming down off the high of The Togetherness Project's latest conference.

I wonder if I'll ever get used to that feeling. I wonder if it's possible to max out the number of times you connect with someone, or hear a story for the first time and just sit in awe of the people in front of you. I wonder if I'll ever stop coming away from these things stunned by the goodness that fills the room.

I hope not. Because being part of Togetherness has given me the opportunity to have the sacred experience of hearing people's stories. Being a witness to their greatness and hearing who they are in one of the most incredible things I've ever been able to do. It has given me extraordinary experiences and put me in the presence of greatness over and over again and that's something I cannot imagine being "used to". 

2 years

2 years ago we moved from one place to another, we weren't really sure if we'd make it together and we were fairly certain we didn't like each other much. We weren't really sure if we'd always live together after that or not.

These last 2 years have been times of pain and hurt and growth and seeing things as they are. 

A short time ago Husband and I purchased a home together. A new home. Where we will (happily) live with our family. 

We purchased it with faith that this new emotional space we've found filled with acceptance and love will last. 

We purchased it knowing that we are excited about our life together. 

We purchased with our eyes wide open to trials and pain and hurt - fully aware that all of that can (and probably will) come screaming back to the forefront of our lives, and that we are capable of handling it more maturely than we ever have before. 

We purchased FULL of hope and love. And I am praying we can in turn FILL this home with faith and love. 

Because though things feel about a million times better than they did 2 years ago, we all know this goes just one day at a time, so all we can do is have faith and love.

Compassion Came Out

For too many years I felt alone in my home. I felt like it was my job to run the house, run a business (at home with baby) and run our lives. 

 

I tried to work recovery. I tried to serve in my church. I tried to stay healthy. I tried to do it all and I felt zero support from Husband in my efforts. He worked a lot and was in school and during the rare moments that he was at home, he wasn't really present. 

 

It's easy to look back now and say I was simply overwhelmed. I had way too much on my plate and way too little support; but at the time I simply felt unqualified for life. I felt like everybody I saw around me could do it all and there was something wrong with me because I was breaking at the seams.

I still hold some resentment toward Husband because I felt like he had abandoned me. And instead of seeing that I was drowning and trying to help, he was adding more for me to do.
"We really need you to keep working, can't you do anything to get more clients?"
"I looked at porn again today, if we could just have sex more....." and
day after day with no conversations at all.

We're heading into a busy work week for him and he'll be gone an awful lot. He works 13-14 hour days and he has picked up some extra shifts which means that yesterday was his only day off in a 9 day stretch. He will be exhausted at the end of every day and come home to sleep. He won't be present. He won't help around the house. I won't get an extra set of hands for bedtime, or getting my littles where they need to be. I'll be on my own again - which brings up all those unsettled feelings of resentment. 

I had expressed this concern to him in a less-than-kind discussion. I whined and pissed and moaned and told him I hate that he does this. I reminded him of his uselessness and exhaustion when he works too much. I told him I was too tired to take it all on again. I laid it all out and he sat there - removed from the conversation thinking that I'm crazy.

Yesterday (the only day off) he did a lot of stuff. He tried to catch up some household chores, he took the kids out for a fun afternoon at a local hands-on children's museum and by the end of the day he was exhausted. I ran from one appointment to the next all day, and when I sat down to dinner at 6:15 knowing that I had somewhere to be at 6:30, I took a second to look across the table. I saw the familiar bloodshot eyes and sagging lids. I saw the slumped posture and the heavy hands. I saw the exhaustion all over his face and (though I'm not proud of it) I was so glad. I wanted him to understand how I felt during those years. I wanted him to see what he put me through. And in that moment I was prepared to show him exactly why our discussion about him doing this to me again this week was heated. Why I still felt strongly about it.

This is how I felt every day for 3 years! All the while you asked me to make more money, take on more work, be more available to you and be a better person! This is how I still feel every day at 6:15 knowing that you'll technically be off work in 15 minutes but won't come home for another hour or 2. This is the time of day when the only reason I don't run out the front door screaming is that it would take too much effort. This is the part where you start counting down the minutes until an extra set of hands comes home - but the car never pulls up and there is no extra set of hands. THIS IS WHY I HATE YOU. 

I thought all of those things, and I was well prepared to say them. So I opened my mouth, and by the grace of God none of that came out. Compassion came out instead. 

"I can tell you have been working hard all day and you are totally exhausted. I can see that you could really use some help right now, and that you're overwhelmed. I'm so sorry for that and I know that you know I'm about to leave and you're facing bedtime alone and that probably feels like yet another mountain to climb. I'm so sorry that I won't be here to help tonight."

I still felt all of the resentment and the sick pleasure that maybe he was finally understanding a little tiny piece of what I went through. I wasn't feeling compassion as I spoke - but compassion is what came out of my mouth. 

After my other appointments, when I came home to do the remaining dishes and laundry, THEN I felt compassion and gratitude. I was thankful that he took the time to play with my Littles. I was relieved that he made the effort to make my week easier. And most importantly, I truly felt compassion for that horribly exhausting evening. Because the feeling is familiar to me, and (finally) I was sorry he experienced it too. 

It's such a strange thing to open your mouth prepared to say one thing, and have something different come out. But I am glad it did. I am glad that what I spoke became true a few hours later. And though I haven't asked him, I feel comfortable saying that those words were at least a little healing for him.

In Buffalo House we often miss the boat, but there are still many many signs of improvement, growth and learning.

Missing the Boat

Sometimes we sit in therapy together and I think "this is it! THIS is the big thing that will change it all! I can tell, that _______ is just around the corner!"

A few weeks ago we had been shown some very clear issues in therapy. Highlighted in big bold letters above our heads.
For Husband: "YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO FEEL LOVE IN WAYS THAT ARE NOT SEXUAL."
and for me "YOU HAVE TO STOP SEEING HIM IN THE WORST LIGHT - LOOK IN HIS EYES AND SEE WHO HE REALLY IS."

So I went about my day knowing that everything would be different when I came home.

But when I took off my shoes and headed to the bedroom to put them away, there was the lingerie, laying out on the bed waiting for me to "love him".

I saw it and immediately contacted Friend, "He DOESN'T get it! And he never will! He's a fool and a psycho and a sex addict!"

There we were, 6 hours later, him trying to have sex to show love and me seeing him in the worst possible light.

This is what they mean when they say "it takes time. there will be setbacks. it won't all set in immediately. getting help doesn't mean curing it immediately."

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

Stop reading my blog and so openly mocking me. OK?

Just because I finally dared to post about how detaching ruins everything doesn't mean I'm asking for Husband to pick on me and make me want to run away and detach. OK?

Love,
Trying hard not to, but feeling the need to detach anyway.

Story Reverence

Last week I went to Togetherness Project in Phoenix and I was again awed by the courage and beauty of women who come to these things and share their stories for the first time.

My first day back at work I explained to my Boss where I was and what I was doing. He was in awe. And as I spoke about the women who are new to my life, he gave words to what I have been feeling ever since our first conference back in October.

"What an honor for someone to allow your ears to be the ones to hear their story. It must be such a sacred experience."

And he's right. 100%. It's sacred. There's no good reason that my ears were ever chosen for anybody, but to have been the woman hearing these stories for the first time is just an incredible experience.

Step 4

I have loved a lot of people in my life, had a lot of best friends and learned to trust many. I feel like I have typically been blessed in my life to have the relationships which are most healing to me exactly when I need them. 
When I needed a mom going through new motherhood just like I was, I got one. 
When I needed a friend to lean back, have a little fun and forget my troubles, I got one. 

When I needed a friend who would testify of Christ and teach me what sacrifice, service and love really were, I got one. 

These days I need a sponsor-friend. I need someone who can help me work through the crap in an unbiased and loving way. I need someone who will call me on my stupidity, remind me that Husband's words might not always sound as stupid as they do right now and that I can forgive him and move forward. And I have been blessed with many of even these oddly specific relationships. 

I put one of My People in the car and drove her to Arizona with me last week to attend The Togetherness Project. We talked and laughed and cried together for days. We didn't sleep enough, but couldn't bring ourselves to value sleep above what we were doing. By the time the weekend was over and it was time to come home, I was dreading the drive home. We were exhausted, and Arizona is freakin' hot and my CD player had a stupid non-music CD stuck in it and all I really wanted to do was sleep and unpack and get ready for my crazy week ahead, but instead I'd be driving. But, Friend was the silver lining. If you're gonna be trapped in a hot car taking backroads through 2 states she's the one you want with you. 

What I didn't expect was to be so healed. Friend and I don't have many secrets, there really aren't topics of conversation we avoid. There's nothing that I'd be too scared to tell her and we probably cross a lot of lines when we get really detailed - but it's helpful for me, so I don't even try to stop that. 

Even with our history of extreme honesty and no off-limits topics I was surprised when the conversation turned toward "mistakes I've made". We talked about the poor choices we'd made and why, we talked about how we want to talk with our kids about these kinds of mistakes when they make them, we talked abut how it made us feel and how the people who loved us dealt (or didn't deal) with them. As we got closer to our destination I joked "I think we just did step 5."

I've struggled to appreciate fully the 12-step program because Husband and I weren't good at working it when we attended weekly (for 2-3 YEARS). I worked steps 1, 2, & 3 over and over again because I could easily see how they were important, but I couldn't bring myself to do step 4 because I knew step 5 was coming and I was still so rooted in shame I couldn't look at myself that way. I just wasn't ready yet. But a few months ago I started feeling the pull to go back to the 12 steps. I wonder if it would be different now? I thought. Now that I'm more whole, could I face those awful truths about myself? Am I ready? I think I am, but I haven't made time in my schedule to attend meetings. So my ARP manual sits gathering dust on my bookshelf and I roll around the concepts in my brain. 

Until they come spilling out at the end of a long, involved, emotional weekend. And then at the end of the drive, I feel a tiny piece of the healing which I fully believe can come from doing step 4.

Now I feel totally confident I can do a formal step 5. I'm not sure when I'll do it, but I know I can. And that is a kind of healing I wasn't really expecting from my weekend away.

Next Post: dead step 4 buffalo. (I hope.)